[ronnsama]

I'm not sure if this is where I should post this, so please if I'm in the incorrect place, would a mod please move it to the correct area (or remove this header since I know it's human read first, before going public)

I'm a 26 year old Google App developer/Graphics Artist. I've recently started talking with my wife of 5 years after a long separation and we are trying to work things out. The skinny of the situation is, while we were separated she was living with another man, and he was physically abusive towards her, and did other unmentionable things and without consequence.

Now, here is what everything boils down to. My wife is having a load of emotional issues with things that happened, and the fact our kids have been scattered into placement after she had to call the law on the guy beating her. I got my 4 year old son, my 6 year old daughter went to her grandparents, and "my" 8 year old son went with my daughter as well. The child she had while we were separated went to his family to be taken care of.

During this period I have been trying to be a rock for her to rely on so she can get her head straight and take care of all of her business. I've been attempting so hard to be the one she can call on when things aren't right and someone she can rely on. Lets face it, I love this woman with all my heart. We have both had our past, and done things to each other that would be called wrong, or evil, or w/e you want to call it. This is the 3rd real time we have tried to work things out, because we both love each other, or at least I believe she loves me, as much as I do her, and I try to have faith in her decisions.

Recently though, with social services being involved we can't be as open as we want to be, and this leaves a strain on our relationship. On top of the fact the youngest child (1.5 years) has been put in a home that's abusive, and then moved into one of her friends home. This made things even harder because now I can't see her at all, because she doesn't want me and her friend (who is female) around each other. I don't get along w/ her friend, and her friend doesn't get along with me.

I know this isn't enough detail to be really informed, but the whole situation boils down to. I feel as if I'm being pushed away, and it hurts more than I ever imagined. I've dated other women while we were separated and I never felt this kind of pain except with her. I really want to be with her, I want to try to work with her, and just spend time with her (non sexual). But because I'm here with my 4 year old all the time and a grandfather that doesn't understand, I'm left trying to keep "Pop" from trying to control my 4 year old son, like he's a soldier in the army, trying to keep my wife happy so she doesn't crack, and trying to keep myself together.

Right now I feel strained, and I know what I"m feeling is no where near where she is at due to all the stress, but last night I made a cry for help that I just wanted to feel loved. I wasn't getting that feeling. Infact she got mad at me for it, and told me I needed to be stronger. I'm not exactly sure how I can be any stronger. But it's leaving me the past few weeks to my thoughts racing so bad I can't sleep well without the need of marijuana to slow down (which I have quit using while my son is with me). I know relying on such crutches is a sign of weakness, but I'm attempting to do right by my child, and trying to do right by my wife.

But sometimes I just need to know I"m doing right. Was it wrong of me to cry out for her attention, even if it was just a few minutes, or am I wrong to cry for such things while she's hurting worse than me. She knows she can call me anytime, and I'll come running to her to make sure everything is ok, but I am feeling left out. I'm having thoughts of vanishing after this whole social services thing is cleared out and just paying child support. I can't live near here and watch her be with another man (this is why I left our state and wandered the country side for years and tried college and all that). But I keep coming back to her.

I'm sure that my obsessiveness with my wife is probably as unhealthy as can be, but I do not know what to do. I love her, I'd bend over backwards and give her the world on a plate. But sometimes I don't feel like I get that back. And I'm confused, I do not want to resort to experts and paying for help that a simple discussion can help, and I refuse to mess with psychotherapy drugs. I know I'm messed up in the head a bit, but I do my damn-est to meditate and try to control my thoughts through my own abilities, which while I was separated from her I did very well. I thought I had evolved into something more powerful, a stronger, more honed individual. But now I feel like I"m back in High School, I feel emo, and I'm not sure what I can do right now.

I've tried to explain this, and "Pop" says "I told you so, she was like this" and my wife says "You need to be stronger"; and I have no one else to talk to. I don't keep friends well because I'm very select who I associate with just because I've had so many people do me wrong in the past; and now I have no options but to bark in the dark for help. Any ideas any one?

[madisgram]

welcome to pc, ron. sounds like you both have a lot on your plate. the first thought i had is that you both need to be in therapy, then family therapy. lots need to be sorted out. your T's can help mediate when you and your wife have some individual therapy first. many T's have professional relationships with other T's. best scenario so they can help you in the mutual setting.
i know you feel overwhelmed but sometimes we can only do the best we can do. try to remember that. you're not weak. you are just experiencing lots of upheaval. doesn't mean you've failed in your efforts. there's nothing to be ashamed of expressing your needs. wife may be so overwhemed that she has nothing to give at this time however. good communication with each other is vital tho. try to keep it on what you all can do to get thru this in harmony. make a priority list to guide you. have her do the same if she's willing. then compare notes to be striving for the same goals re your family.
wishing you the best. keep us posted. we do care.

[Open Eyes]

Wow, you do have so much to sort out here. How can you possibly control all of this situation? Now you are dealing with a woman who is extremely unstable. I even wonder if she really loves you or just needs you to resolve her issues. The fact that she could not reciprocate love for you shows that she is way too self absorbed in confusion to give to anyone.

I really feel sad for all the children involved, not very fair to them. They are not stupid and must feel very insecure, not very good for a young brain to grow in. I hate to say it but you do really need to consider the well being of these children. Taking off and paying child support, well, she was in an abusive situation, the children felt that you know, YOUR CHILDREN? It almost sounds like the poor children are in the way, is that fair?

You can't fix this by yourself, but you do need to spend time with a therapist, someone to help you find your way through this, and not be on your own. What you are talking about here is chaos and I am sorry, but what about these children scattered about? Your ex is clearly in no real condition psychologically to handle all this, her interactions with you are proof of that. But on the other hand, no, you cant desert the situation as the best case scenario would be to have both of you get psychological help, even together and concentrate on getting things resolved and perhaps taking on the responsibility of the young lives that are being effected by all of this.

At this point you do have to consider your own mental health, you obviously can't control hers, she needs help with that. You both need help. And I hope you have discussed what it is doing to the lives of your children that you had together, honesty, why should they suffer?

If anything you do need to take the bull by the horns and get therapy and even marriage counceling, family counseling etc. Please don't try to do this on your own, there is too much damage for that, your ex is clearly under a great deal of emotional confusion.

Open Eyes

[ronnsama]

Thanks, but both me and my wife are very introverted and proud people. We do not like to call on professional therapy solely because we feel anything he can do, we can do on our own - and the fact we are both cheap.

We have a pact to always express our feelings if something is wrong, because we used to bottle up our emotions a lot. But with everything goin on it's a strain and I'm left wondering where my next action is going to be. All I can do is wait until something happens now, and I'm left sitting here trying to em-battle my own emotions and put them back under control. And it leaves me worrying about her. Right now shes "Thinking about us; and what to do" so here I am, trying to find some sort of human reletions outside of the marriage and family. As my introduction says A 3rd neutral party, and to hear their opinions.

Don't misunderstand I won't run w/ what anyone says, but I will take it into consideration; but I just need someone elses perspective, and for it to be honest and non biased. I'm one of those people, if I'm in the wrong, tell me so I can quit it; and I don't get mad over things like that, I appreciate honesty more than anything.

[ronnsama]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Wow, you do have so much to sort out here. How can you possibly control all of this situation? Now you are dealing with a woman who is extremely unstable. I even wonder if she really loves you or just needs you to resolve her issues. The fact that she could not reciprocate love for you shows that she is way too self absorbed in confusion to give to anyone.

(Shortened for viewing purposes) -Ronn

I do understand your point of view, and no the children aren't in the way. If social services would have let me, I would have taken all 4 of them. I love my kids more than anyone can believe. But I leave myself wondering if I should run and recap. I know this is a selfish decision and a weak one at that, but sometimes I cannot stop my own thoughts. I like to think I can control what they say, and I like to also think I'm attempting my best to become stronger thru this; but sometimes i have moments of weakness. This is really all it is. My knees are buckling, and I just need someone (mainly my wife) to give me some encouragement.

I know she is not all there mentally now, because of the stress on her, and I don't want to give up, never! I'm not that kinda person. But everyone knows weakness will lead to other things that aren't as "good" as others.

But no, don't misunderstand what my own weaknesses with my feeling for my children. And I have done everything I can to give my son the best home he can have, and as far as he has shown me, he's happy as he can be here with me.

[gatorgirl1980]

What I have learned and still struggle with sometimes is that I can only control myself--what I do, what I say. I can't take responsibility for what my partner does or FEELS. Those things belong to him.
It sounds like you want to self-medicate with marijuana. You mentioned that you avoid therapy in part out of financial concerns. However, if you have a Primary Care Physician, they can recommend medication or may know of a free counseling center.
I know you really love her...but as I have learned...you can't love someone out of mental illness and out of their problems. She has to be responsible for solving these things for herself.

[ronnsama]

Well in a odd twist of events and fate, Social Services decided to put me into mandatory therapy. However I'm forced to pay for it out of pocket or I lose my son pretty much. Which doesn't help with my stress level, however I can possibly find some help there as well as here. 12 weeks, of group therapy and who knows how many 1on1 therapy starting at the beginning of July. I have no clue how I'm actually going to afford it seeing as health care is expensive; and there's no such thing as "free" anything where I'm from. This town believe in taking any dollar they can.

[Open Eyes]

I think that you have to do more research in obtaining affordable therapy. Hey I know it isn't easy, but often therapists do work on a curve and try to fit therapy into a budget. I understand completely about the affordability aspect. But you cannot expect to do this on your own. I know you don't see it now, but it may help you in the long run. You have more than you can handle and I know your trying. That is when you have to be willing to ask for help and keep pushing until you get it.

I can see that you are trying as a third party to somehow find a productive resolve and it is not unreasonable for you to desire approval for you efforts, not only from others but to also feel that you are not wasting your efforts.

But running isnt the answer, you have said that yourself, you always come back to the situation, perhaps that feeling of responsibility being denied not only by others but yourself is draining you psychologically. Working with a therapist can help you understand what you can and cannot do thus bringing a personal relief. Perhaps working with the system will help you achieve not only piece of mind but a sense of what you can do that perhaps you don't see yet. By trying you are proving to be a person who may be the only one willing to step foward that can be responsible enough to produce the best enviornment for the children, or that one child you have.

The love and appreciation you are desiring has to come from yourself. Work with the system and work towards that. If your ex sees that you are gaining and working at resolve she may do the same. Your ex is obviously very confused and cannot even provide for her own personal sense of psychological strength. She does need help and you can't do it for her. Yes she is using you for some type of grounding method but you are not a therapist and you cannot provider her with all the answers. Yes you are trying but you can only work on your own issues and go from there. You have a lot of questions and your spinning. That is when you need help, that is what is seen and being suggested. Otherwise it wont be long before you get too overwhelmed by the situation, no, you cannot do for others.

Now as far as using or self medicating with drugs, wrong road. That is a form of running and avoiding problem solving. There are medications designed to help you deal with the ongoing stress, but most important you are in more need of help, not avoidance.

Here is another thing to keep in mind. Somehow you lack the knowlege in how to progress. By taking the steps toward learning how to proceed, your own personal path, you will learn how to pass that along to the children involved. It is amazing but it does make a difference. I had a very difficult time myself with a relationship issue with a child in tow and I never forgot to consider how my choices would effect her. She is now a much stronger person than me because of her witnessing me finding resolve and gaining. Even by making choices to find help and guidance.

At this point you cant afford not to get help. Getting and receiving help is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of being willing to look for resolve. Relationships take work, and they do not get resolved by running, deep inside you know that.

Open Eyes

[madisgram]

sometimes life things occur when we really need an outside opinion. you can be reserved in personality but i urge you to be open in therapy. to get help from therapy it calls for this regardless of your reserve or not. clearly it appears to some professionals this is needed. try to have an open mind. if you don't it's a waste of your time and money.
you requested we offer our perspective. you put forth the effort to find psych central to get suggestions, glad you did. anyone would be overwhelmed having all the snafus in their life. very complex issues snarled together. i hope our thoughts on your situation will help you make sound decisions on your future.
PS "pride goeth before the fall." hope you will allow help to enter. if you had all the answers you would have resolved these issues.