[beauflow]

so last 2 weeks I have been mildly depressed with up and down of good too; moody in another words (more than usual).. I took a weekend off and went some where I had never been before (I called it vaca due to it is really the only thing I can call vaca). It was so beautiful and to see nature was a blast. I had some issues with some things but my BF and I worked it out *We talked to work out my head and it spinning at some points*. But none the less....

I come back; as driving back into the state I look on Face Book the first time in about 4 day and I say- Geez I do not really know any of these people; then the thought of how easy it would be to just disappear would be (only my BF and maybe *Big maybe* his family and of Course Work would would wonder where I would be)... I am not sure why I thought of this- but I did.

My BF and I took a day just at home before going back to the usual grind of work and stuff-- also the car issue is more at rise than last week so it is on our minds.

The other day (well today in my world *work nights, so I stayed up all day and came to work*) I cleaned up the home and did laundry- everything looks awesomely great :-) which totally makes me feel better/My BF complemented the work I had done. I gave him a note that i wrote earlier he read it later and called and talked about it (I tend to write little notes to him a lot, i am not sure why) And I came to to work and worked like me (get into work sometimes I want to get things done). So far so good but there is this strange feeling in me.

I mentioned to my BF that in my note I had wrote "It'll be ok we can get through this and I will try my best to be on good behavior"-- I mentioned o had realized hours later that well I am writting that when I am not in a Shtty mood... he did not understand, I said never mind, it was ok.. He then got it sort of and said it will still be ok..

Through this whole day and the day prior- and a little on our trip I have just felt like a part of me blocking. On the Trip I figured it was due to I was meeting new people (Tend to Block and be **Nice** when I meet new people and try not to be grumpy if I am- put on my face and I am very shy so I do not open up much). I did give my self kudos for trying to talk though.
But being at work- I am doing the same Face which is normal in a way but then not.. i feel deep down I am sort of giving myself a face if that makes an sense to any one.

I am not sure if I am prepping my self; or if I am getting out of my little short rut I was in and fear I will go into a deeper rut or what...

I am not sure -- just thought I would share thought

Any one else feel this way at times?

Sorry for asking if any one could relate-

I know I have been suggested to go to a dr. even on the trip my BF and I talked about it (He mentioned something like "look at you and **blank**; you guys have issues and you dont go to a doctor"
I defended myself with "I have been thinking about it.. geez" (what a come back huh?)
He acknowledged my thinking on it recently here more often. but still.

I get worried on how much and all; plus I have known some people that go on meds and they are stuck in the hospital for a day or actually more than a week, to be "monitored"- I can not afford that (as in day off of work and bill)

any who.. guess my thoughts at the moment- sorry for babbling as I do so often.

[my3sns]

(((((beauflow))))) wish i had more to offer

[beauflow]

thanks... I don't know some times about me,

[beauflow]

Thanks My3sns again...

I am not sure- After words with all of this I guess I will write down my day here since i guess it goes along with it. I do not want to post another thread seeing few to no one would understand- I am not sure what even to say;
I woke up after ok sleep to a dog crying out side it sounded like- Not sure what was going on, but someone took the doggie away it sound like.
Then I spent the time up thinking too much, emotions every where and then bursting out with crying here and there. Some time crying when I said I was done with crying.

My BF called and he could hear I was upset even though I tried my best to put off like it was all ok- he and I talked about a half hour (he was at work so it was hard for us to talk but it still helped a little). It helped a little but I still felt down; I did not want to go out side to take my dog for a walk but was happy my dog was with me.

After dazing in the living room the dog and I went to the dark bed room with the hallway light on and laid around for about an hour. It made me a bit ok; At one point all I wanted to do was curl up and either cry myself to sleep or just go to a deep sleep... I eventually got up and said get over it (what ever it is)- I started to get ready and my BF called again to make sure things were ok and all; I was getting like panicked telling him I needed to get ready for work- It is hard to explain and I also got a little irritable out of now where due to feeling panic (this happens from time to time by the way it is always a surprise!); I apologies for myself after I felt my emotions rising i feel my heart pound and my mind get fuzzy and my BF said it was ok and finish up what I was doing and he would come eat with me. I was able to talk to my BF before coming to work which was nice- so much stuff going through my head and I do not know why. I mentioned the last few weeks I have noticed my moodiness and felt a little off with things- he seemed shocked about the last few weeks- I think he has forgotten- but that runs to another train of thought that I will get to at the bottom.

On my way to work I was dazed - It reminded me some what like being high on something but I do not do drugs any more- Sort of numb like, really out of it feeling, and something I can not quite explain.... I get to work and it is all surprising very quiet- and I am able to be cheerful with customers here.
Although when explaining to another dept. that they could not enter a room due to people where in it- they did not seem to understand- i got irritable with them but I don't think they even noticed...I say this due to they came back and talked with maps with me for about ten minutes.
Inside I am turning all over but some times outside people don't see it at all or a trace..

Some times i feel like I am in the twighlight zone ya know - or I feel like i must hide things well- or idk....

I think my BF just forgot for a moment about the last few weeks- he told me like 2 weeks ago I was an emotional thinker which then I told him I hate that label for I am not stupid- I think Logically as well. He re-worded it and explained he was not trying to be mean or others being mean by the "emotional thinker" but that it just meant that sometimes I let my emotions decided; and he agreed that yes a lot of times I am logical.

So what the hell does that make me- I read that little blurb about 10 common cognitive distortions & what to do about them


In the psychotherapy form; and I can do the top and I can do the bottom part of this article and it is hard to explain- It is like I can not control when to do them but I do both.

I am not sure about me sometimes; and I guess just writing down things today.

well wishes to all and sorry for the ramble.

[madisgram]

welcome to pc, beau. when i suffered from high to real low, swinging moods, i could not enjoy the feel good mood cause i knew i'd go under again. i went to a doc, got diagnosed, put on meds-no hospital stay- and my life is so much netter and balanced. everyone has their own choice to make but this worked for me.

[beauflow]

Thank you madisgram and my3sns, thank you.....

Madisgram thank you for the hope with sharing your reply.

I still have fears, but hopefully I can get past my pride ~of maybe i'm not doing a great job with me.... I don't like the thoughts of meds, but if so, someday will need to accept I guess.

So today at work my relief came in I got b >.< tchy with them or felt that. They never let me finish my thoughts which really gets to me.... I think they get a little upset that sometimes I can talk with ppl about an issue and some times get more response due to I bring up a valid point of safety. Any ways I left feeling like I needed to scream! after I left. I came home and hung out with my dog, he makes me smile even though he is a hand full at times. I started a list of things that make me upset and a shot why. I may take this along with some posts if/when I have courage to see a dr. Then I went to bed....

I woke up happy today! And I feel good! I have decided today when I get on a computer, to do some research on some doctors. I texted my brother to whom to sadly admit, I ignored him for a few days to he sent me a negative message that I could not deal with and had no response. Our chat was good, he is doin better which really makes me happy for him. He tries so hard, and I wish I could do more for him but can't. All I can do mostly is talk with him which I am told probably does him more help than I probably realize.
My bf also told me good news about his work....I am so happy for him too..
My dog and I went for a walk and enjoyed the green grass with no other dogs around which is great (dog has issues like me, but we are working on them to best as we know... He needs a real trainer). The dog, I like but sometimes feel is too much, but I am told he is doing better since he has with us (my bf and i). Which does make me feel good if true. We haven't had him for a full year yet.

I know I mention my bf in many posts. He is my rock sometimes. I'm grateful to have him and that we found each other. we talk a lot, I have told him more than anyone in my life, he is always hearing me.... I apologies for telling him too much about my thoughts, one time I told him I was sorry for expressing my suicide thoughts, he told me to not be, he wants to know, so he can try to help and so he is aware. At the same time I feel I put stress on him, I need to talk with some one like a dr. To get some stress off of him, but still keep him in the loop. I read a thread that a lot of ppl don't tell they SO what their T and them talk about. I don't know, I have my bf who I hope I never shut out, and I don't know if indulging too much is bad or good. I always figured we could help each other out by talking, but maybe I need more than he? I'm proud of my bf for him being him. I tell him this. He tells me the same but Idk how (lol)
I wish everyone had some one to talk to, I really do.... I remember when I had no one at one point and some things were very difficult and yeah, I was worse. I am glad there is a place like pc to give some relief and talking for some.

Any who, its a good day!
And it does not feel like a face today.

on that note, is really traits of bipolar like this, these swings seem so erratic and not cycle, like I know it for others; I realize everyone is different but Idk. Any who, whatever. I'm me lol

Thank you all! Thanks for reading my babbled text and for the replies and support.

[beauflow]

Never mind- now I am agitated and grouchy

Thanks though

[madisgram]

it sounds like you are having what they call "rapid cycling" with your moods. i'm so glad you're really considering seeing a pdoc. it can be a start for a life full of joy rather than the suffering you experience now. keep considering it... don't lose your momentum to get help. some of us have to seek outside help to improve. worse case scenario- if you don't want the help they offer you can move on to hopefully another solution. personally tho i think you're on the right track...pdoc.
here's a site you may want to explore-
http://bipolar.about.com/cs/faqs/f/faq_rapidcycle.htm

[beauflow]

thanks madisgram!
Rapid cycling I had not heard of, the first thought when reading it then re reading my stuff, I'm like a child, how sad (lol?). Idk, I remember my bf told me one time abused women tend to get stuck in the age of abuse if it was young, ie talk like a child or age of abuse, and so on, perhaps this is a connection? I am not up on psychology like some, so I guess I shouldn't wonder.

Yeah, I think last night when chatting with my bf, which I posted on a different forum cuz it sort of confused me and pissed me off. Think he wants me to decide , I expressed what he was unaware of and told him: I signed up here on pc and thinking of therapy due to some dreams came back and I was distraught over them. Which we talked about these dreams, but he didn't know I had found pc due to searching for some help on understanding a meaning. I never posted the dreams due to I really don't want to talk about them but with my bf.

I felt turned on to be honest, like last week or about, give me support on the idea; then now I go forth and find info, get told only if you think its effecting your life..

Geez I'm sorry I got lost in thoughts.

Thank you again.

I'm thinking on making a mood book, I like the tracker on here but my phone doesn't show it... Or allow me to change it... I think that would be beneficial as well to take in to some one and talk about.

Yeah I don't always have such rapid mood swings, if you can believe I can be laid back at times... Lol

Thanks again, so much help. Idk if I will call today but I have the paper work here beside me....

Thanks so much, I feel better that if there is an article about the study I'm not alone.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by beauflow

[COLOR=Black]Then I spent the time up thinking too much, emotions every where and then bursting out with crying here and there.

After dazing in the living room the dog and I went to the dark bed room with the hallway light on and laid around for about an hour.

On my way to work I was dazed

Some times i feel like I am in the twighlight zone ya know

I think you need to "do" some stuff and get yourself out of your head. I use to live in my head and it's a lonely, dark, almost useless place to be as it doesn't connect to "reality" too well?

Find some easy activities that will keep you out of your head; even just reading novels will (they get you involved with fictional characters, it's true, but that's a step better than just being involved with you inside your head). But just sitting around is "boring" so we go into our heads and then the "fun" begins with the merry-go-round thoughts and odd bits of flotsam and jetsam that wander up and get us crying and further away from anything we can explain to another (which just makes us feel even more lonely). Stay "present" with where you actually are and in the "sunshine" instead of dark rooms with the dog

[beauflow]

Perna I so agree to do things, and sometimes I can, sometimes I paint, knit, so on... Knitting I found last fall which really helped me get through the winter. But there are some days I just can't, I know maybe unethical but the other night @ work when I felt chaos in me I made post cards with my own pics for a little bit to break away from me....
thank you guess sometimes I need to try harder?