[Silent_tsol]

I realized today....ok I've known for a while but I'm admitting today, I've forgotten how to have fun. I've spent a great deal of my life building a wall that separates me from the world. I feel the need to appear strong and perfect no matter the situation. I'm very reserved and introverted. Lately I've had trouble having fun. I think it sort of got connected that having fun means I have to take down my wall, let go of control and at that point my whole life would fall apart.

That wall is my self protection and I have no idea how to work with it. I can smile my way through things and laugh but it's always held back to a safe and controlled level

How do I have fun again?

[kaliope]

I can relate to this. I remember my T once incredulously asking me "have you ever experienced joy?" Its a very hard thing for me. One night i was really depressed contemplating suicide and i stopped by a bar for a drink. there was a band playing and everybody was on the dance floor having a blast. i watched that questioning, why cant i do that? why cant i experience that joy? This guy comes up for a drink and starts talking to me about the band and i comment on what a great time everybody seems to be having. He goes on and on about how much fun it is. As he walks away, so uncharacteristic of me, i invite myself to join he and his friends. I danced that night. I have never danced before. I never felt so free. I ended up following this band, even getting over my fear of driving in the mountains to see them when they were at the lake. I saw them every time they were in town and danced the night away. I let myself be free to experience fun and joy and happiness, connecting with the music. They set my world right every time I saw them. They helped me thru my depressions, knowing it would be just a few more weeks till i saw them again, i could hang on till then. They were there thru the darkest time of my life. Sadly they broke up over a year ago and I havent found anything to replace that fun in my life.

[shezbut]

I am very similar, Silent tsol.

Just recently, I've noticed that not allowing myself to express or even experience happiness is a BIG problem in my life. I use crutches, like beer, to get me a little more loose & turn that stiff side of my brain off.

The problem comes along when I cannot or will not allow myself to do that without a "crutch". That's where I am right now. I wish that I had the answer in how we stop holding ourselves to "sit still". It's automatic behavior, which means that we need to do something to replace it.

Maybe someone else will post a helpful answer for us. *hope*

I have all the same issues. I am starting to learn gratitude for certain things though. My sons, my counsellor, my doctor, my internet service that enables me to be on here, and little things..like the friendliness of the people here. I love the old wreath my late sister once made which is now hanging on my door, and I have a pretty view to look at in the morning. The fact that there is a convenience stor right across from our apartment building, a drug store and grocery store just down the street as well as my doc's office, so I don't have far to walk when I need things.

[emptybee15]

I feel the same way. I think it's because I lack security, if anything happens, I have no one to call, so I stay to myself or don't say to much in case something were to happen, who do I call to have my side? There is no one.

Also, with the social anxiety, the whole time I'm in a social setting, all I'm thinking is "oh god, what are these people thinking of me? Are my pants zipped? Is there something in my hair? Was what I just said stupid and that's why no one reacted?" All the way to concentrating on making sure I don't trip while walking. I'm so focused on trying to be accepted and not doing anything dumb, that I can't be in the moment enjoying what's going on, unless I truly know the people I'm around. Then I see other people who are what you wouldn't see as "popular" and they are just living it up, with lots of friends and family.

I know it stems from my father embarrassing me in public so much and telling me that I'll never be as good as the next person. I don't know when, but I began to believe it and I just can't shake it.

So, I have no advice, but I have the same hope to get over it. Best wishes to you!

"Also, with the social anxiety, the whole time I'm in a social setting, all I'm thinking is "oh god, what are these people thinking of me? Are my pants zipped? Is there something in my hair? Was what I just said stupid and that's why no one reacted?"

I am exactly the same emptybee! I am going out tonight with my parents to a Christmas event and I have already re-checked myself 15 times, worrying about not having the perfect line to say or being invisible to everybody around me, am I making others nervous with my silence? I can totally relate to your situation emptybee. By the way...you are beautiful!

Why do we do this to ourselves?

[emptybee15]

Thank you Ingrid! While it does suck, I love it when I can just relate to someone about this because NO ONE gets it.

Then people come up to me and they're like, "you look mean," or "smile". I HATE WHEN PEOPLE TELL ME TO SMILE! What am I supposed to do, sit there and smile like a jacka** for no reason?" People do that? Sorry, I don't, and if you want me to smile, give me a freakin reason if you're that worried about it.

I do NOT understand Human beings, they make no sense.

You're awesome though INGRID! Thanks again for the compliment!

Emptybee!

I had a counselling appointment today and I wrote down all of those nasty thoughts that run through my head and gave them to her. By doing this, it helped me realize how often I listen to these thoughts. Even I did not realize it until I sat down to write them out. I thought it was only a few thoughts. I was shocked by how many destructive thoughts I carry with me from day to day.

As for the difficulty smiling.....I have a different problem there. I am constantly smiling and "acting" happy and excited, because I have worked in retail, restaurant, and customer service jobs for 30+ years now and it is a programmed response for me now. That is not healthy for me either. I told my counsellor today that even when I am feeling furious and need to express it...I always come out as polite and courteous. This will be one of the issues I have to work on.

Do you ever get the feeling though that it is all too tiring? I feel that way right now. My doc has advised me to accomplish one thing at a time. Sleep first. Now, my counsellor is setting me up with a dietitian to get my body back on track nutritionally. I also have to kick myself to do some exercises. This being winter and the holidays....wish me luck lol I just want to hibernate

After I accomplish this....I have to learn to socialize, starting with my own cousins. This is where I will need help most. Once I conquer that....I have to learn to network myself for the work force. That terrifies me lol. So for now, I am working on my diet and trying to get moving. Wish me luck.

Big hugs to you. Let's both off us try to give our minds a rest. Happy thoughts

[emptybee15]

Thanks for sharing about your appointment. I am in a desperate search for a T, but no luck. I keep running into the ones who seem to only be in it for the money or have no real advice/help to give me.

If I were to write down all my negative thoughts, I could probably fill a few pages too. I also work where I have to fake smile and be courteous and have these fake conversations because I am TRULY NOT genuinely interested in what anybody has going on. So, I know it's not GOOD to fake it, but I you kind of have to at work, but in LIFE, no, I shouldn't have to and it is DAMN tiring having to be an actress all day getting janitor wages.

I'm sure I could use a change in the types of food I eat, I'm anemic and all, but I won't take medicine/vitamins/etc. on a regular basis unless it's like life threatening. I've always had a problem with that. I think it's because of how I feel about myself.

I'm not close with too many family members and if I haven't known them from a young age, if I happen to meet them, they are just an average joe to me. So, I have anxiety talking to them too. I have been to family reunions where I feel like my mom took me to a party where everyone knows everyone but me. The thing is, no one even tries to get to know me. Story of my life!

I have a problem with talking to people for no reason too. I read a quote from Simon Cowell that said "I don't do small talk, I've never understood it." I don't either, honestly. Like I don't care how your weekend was, if I didn't ask you, don't tell me. You know? and these people at work want to small talk ALLLLL DAYYYYY LOOOONG! About plants, their pets, their kids, their surgery, their dates, their EVERYTHING! So, when you get a job, get ready for that, lol! I found my job through a temp agency, so maybe try that, once you get into a job, you can start networking with people you get along with there.

I do want to go to kickboxing/self-defense class or dance aerobics, but I have no one to go with and I can't really afford a gym membership. So many things going on, I get myself overwhelmed. Right now, I just want a T that cares and the right meds.

I have gone off on another rant...probably excited because I'm actually relating with someone...doesn't happen often, lol!