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  #1  
Old Nov 07, 2012, 10:22 PM
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Mindinpieces Mindinpieces is offline
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Does anyone else just feel it doesn’t matter what, something is not right with yourself. And whatever that is it never will be right in you. I am sure a lot of you do, but what I mean is this is something unfixable or more something about you that never was. I can’t stand the people that tell me this is just my confidence issues and in years to come things will work out. No they won’t it doesn’t matter, if someone could install all the confidence in the world magically over night there still would be no change in me as I would still be wrong in a sense. However, how do you live a life broken in a world that requires you to be fix when that is beyond yourself and not a possibility. I have tired countless time to delude myself with positive self talk and all the therapy you could throw at me but all it does is create more problems as I can’t ever preform in a sense in life just living as the next person sure I can pretend to a certain degree but then broken me still shows through and then it’s back to being in pieces, I wonder why I set myself up for that in the first place and why do I still keep going on when I should have discontinued myself years ago, but I can’t for some strange reason do that and that pains me deeply not being able to end my existence when I can’t live my life any longer. Strange thing is I am not unhappy the only thing that makes me unhappy is being in reality and realizing the horrible person I am by being around others and having to try and live around those people or try to live a life interacting with those people… I am talking about jobs here and trying to apply to places and interview or doing things to better my chances of finding work…. In the strange sense of maybe I can just hide away again behind the identity of a worker at some place. I think what really gets me is being exposed to people and their questions and their criticism…. I know what I am in life in their eyes and they are right to think that and I don’t disagree, which hurts me painfully to admit but more than often I get the feeling there is no place for me in life expect the one in the death pages and what hurts me more is the feeling that they would also openly agree with that and that I would be the one case where they would go well that’s what she deserved at least she is where she is meant to be and belongs. How the hell are you supposed to try and form a life for yourself from nothing when you have to face this every time again and again.

Just me getting it out the only way I can
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  #2  
Old Nov 07, 2012, 11:32 PM
Anonymous37781
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You think that there is something intrinsically wrong about you? I don't quite understand.
If you think you're horrible what do you think about those other people that you have to live around and interact with.
  #3  
Old Nov 08, 2012, 12:03 AM
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Mindinpieces Mindinpieces is offline
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Thank Your for the reply and please don't take my response personally as it is not aimed at you, heck I don't know you but more aimed at how I feel towards the nature of your question to me, even if you didn't reply and someone else wrote the same my response or reaction would still have been the same... so please don't take my anger or reply personally.

It appears I will always be a worthless, hopeless waste of a human, that is good for nothing, and it appears no matter how hard of trying this is all I will ever be and it looks like more than likely there will never be a time when I am not like this in the future.

What I think of the other people is they are acceptable and although not perfect they are able to be and live a life as expected and not be such a hopeless waste of a life they each have something which makes them ok to live and even if they didn’t have that there is still something different to them that I don’t have. It is like the disposition they carry about themselves or maybe it is that they think differently and view life differently…. You may say well why don’t I just learn to think differently and be like them,,,, (BY THE WAY I DON’T MEAN THIS ANGRYLY TOWARDS YOU BUT JUST POINTING IT OUT) BUT IT IS LIKE ME SAYING TO YOU THINK DIFFERENTLY AND UNDERSTAND MY POST AS I DO…. Words don’t always nor do actions sometimes have an affect….. this is what I am also on about nothing will affect in me a way where I can transform myself to be just like any other average Joe going about their life’s just doing some of the basics like having a job and be a least able not to break down into tears or get seriously angry with that not showing through to the customers and other staff members. It appears then I will always be a drain of life and a person that should not live. When there are so many more appreciative of life and able to change themselves for others so not to be horrible, but I just can’t be any different and it appears me trying to live being like this will never be accepted so there seems only one option ever for me, but I am too selfish to do that as I know I should but weirdly I can’t bring myself to end my life even though a part of me wants it to.
  #4  
Old Nov 08, 2012, 12:57 AM
Anonymous37781
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No offense taken. Are you so sure that you know what others are feeling? Thoreau wrote that most men (people) live lives of quiet desperation. I think most people with heart and soul are just doing the best they can and it could all fall apart on any given day.
Our opinion of ourselves and the way we view ourselves is usually wrong. It isn't much more valid/reliable than the way others see us. That isn't going to make you any happier but it may help you to accept yourself.
  #5  
Old Nov 08, 2012, 01:21 PM
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Thank you for the reply, I am glad your where not offened.
Unfortunately yes there is evidence to what they think and feel about me as a person and how I am just living my life the way I do. Also this is so hard when trying to start again in a new job because it is like why should we employ you when you have been out of work for a year and pretty much don’t have much to show for your life and also I can’t help it I am not the most happy person in the world and it pains me deeply to try and so that whole fake smile and be polite thing or cheery thing, what is expected of you. I gave up on humans long ago and all I would like is a quiet life and just to slog through just like the rest of you if possible but so far it is barrier after barrier and I am not sure if there is any more of me that anyone can ware away as I am pretty much gone as a person, feel like an outside shell of the remains of a human that I once was, and it appears I am not compatible with being refilled on my inside once again with the joy of living or being able to live as I once did and not be the remains of what I was or the shadow that I have appeared to left behind that hasn’t gone on with me, I really left myself years ago and believe me I have been trying to work through life one thing after another thing. Personally there is no room for acceptance of myself, I learnt that about three years ago how that done me no favours and if that was what I needed then I would be here at this point in time feeling like this with my life ending up like this.

Last edited by Mindinpieces; Nov 08, 2012 at 01:22 PM. Reason: may still not make sense sorry
  #6  
Old Nov 08, 2012, 01:54 PM
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ah but you are here... so maybe you have more hope than you think you do.
I don't know anything about you... do you mind if I visit your pc page to see what your issues are listed as?
  #7  
Old Nov 08, 2012, 02:02 PM
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Mindinpieces Mindinpieces is offline
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sure you can visit and maybe this list a little better about me or just look up some old post of mine if you want What I really think about myself and why

Can I check out your page?
  #8  
Old Nov 08, 2012, 02:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mindinpieces View Post
sure you can visit and maybe this list a little better about me or just look up some old post of mine if you want What I really think about myself and why

Can I check out your page?
Thank you. Of course you can visit. Thank you for asking... most don't ask, or they visit using the invisible option.
I'll have to make any further responses later...gotta get busy now.
  #9  
Old Nov 09, 2012, 12:05 AM
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I read the thread you linked to and visited your home page.
I'm just not getting a good picture of where your low self esteem comes from if it is indeed low. Do you have any idea where this all started? I didn't get the impression that it started with the accident. Have you always felt this way?
  #10  
Old Nov 09, 2012, 11:29 AM
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Thunder Bow Thunder Bow is offline
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It seems like you are challengeing others to make you feel better about yourself. Are you?

Thus you are determined to feel bad no matter what the responses here are. You can leave this process if you realy want to. It is all up to you and no one else!

Last edited by Thunder Bow; Nov 09, 2012 at 11:30 AM. Reason: typo
Thanks for this!
Mindinpieces
  #11  
Old Nov 09, 2012, 01:28 PM
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Hellion Hellion is offline
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Yeah that is kind of similar to how I feel. I mean like I feel rather pathetic for some reasons, reasons many would consider someone pathetic for yet people tell me I am not but then I feel like I am only lying to myself by accepting if someone says I am a good person and just a little lost for instance.

Like sometimes I wonder if I am nice to people, and maybe even a little to helpful towards them to the extent of neglecting my own needs just to make up for feeling like such a screw up and not because I am nice person. That could maybe use a lessen or two in assertiveness not to be used or walked all over.

The other day I don't know why suicide came up but my brother said he'd hate me if I did that, and well you know I thought it seemed harsh but then he explained it would just be that painful to him since I'm his sister and he loves me he would feel a lot of anger and frustration about it. So I get it, but if offing myself would hurt the very people I care about that much then what is there to do. Can't seem to make it at a job hence why I am applying for SSI, seems like I need drugs to keep then anxiety and some other symptoms under control to get enough relief to function somewhat........people tell me there is nothing wrong with it if I say I take presciption meds which I am now..but then I've been called all kinds of things for self medicating with cannabis and alcohol for the same reason I am taking the prescription meds. Like I was trying to make a point on some other site and someone basically said my opinion shouldn't count because I'm just an addict(for what doing what I could to try and get through college, yeah it ended up not working out since I still had to endure going to the campus and being reminded of the cause of my PTSD every day, couldn't really go to class drunk or high, well I suppose I could have but I felt that would be kinda disrespectful to the professors or college or whatever. But when it came to home work being a bit under the influence helped me relax so I could concentrate on my college homework rather then be distracted by a bombardment of negative thoughts). So yeah it was a bit offensive to me......but even so then I still feel bad for having had to resort to that and still failing college anyways just cause I couldn't keep going to the campus.

I think instead of having just 'substance abuse' as a symptom of PTSD they should include self medication....not saying I've never abused substances but that to me is more of a depression thing I've purposely overdone things as a form of self harm not enough to die but yeah self medication is different since the point of that is just to try and function better not self harm.

I sometimes want to try maybe going to college and taking my anxiety meds while on campus(never had any before, but got prescribed klonopin), but I don't want to just screw up again and owe even more in student debt. But yeah people don't like it when I seem 'self loathing' but then half the time I feel I have every reason to be that way...I don't imagine this is much help. But yeah I feel like there is something wrong that can never be repaired.
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Mindinpieces
  #12  
Old Nov 09, 2012, 06:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thunder Bow View Post
It seems like you are challengeing others to make you feel better about yourself. Are you?

Thus you are determined to feel bad no matter what the responses here are. You can leave this process if you realy want to. It is all up to you and no one else!

Sorry you have perceived my post in this way, if I am challenging then that is what I didn't mean to be towards others nor did I set out to do that. I was merely getting my emotions and thoughts out the way I do, which is write it down and yer strangely post it on here. I guess I hope that maybe I will have a light bulb moment of something that someone else may write back just clicks or maybe I guess I hope that going about things this way I may then see my writing differently like, oh hang on a minute, which I may not have seen before. Sometimes just writing stuff like this down on paper is no help because it is sort of like for me trying to create a space with the same items in the same room and just getting nowhere because the only thing that would create space is to remove one thing, if you get my metaphoric sense on this. So for me just posting on here removes the emotions for me.

With the determined to feel bad no matter what, well yer you may say that however there is a difference in feeling good because things in life prove that to be right and just fooling yourself to feel good because that is what everyone else required of you, when actually there is no reason or thing in your life which allows for such feelings. It is like if I just pretend or try hard enough someone has to crush me back into pieces by pointing out what a horrible person I am or they have to point out one of the many reason as to why I should not be allowed to feel happiness or just able to live in a sense, however this is not to say my problem is allowing myself to feel something or not, because that is not what I struggle with. My problem is there is nothing about my existence or life which has made me able to feel good or capable or happy, it has all been one big failure and one in which I feel I will never be able to transform from to a point in life where I can make some improvements to work on not being like this as a person.
  #13  
Old Nov 09, 2012, 07:12 PM
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Mindinpieces Mindinpieces is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by George H. View Post
I read the thread you linked to and visited your home page.
I'm just not getting a good picture of where your low self esteem comes from if it is indeed low. Do you have any idea where this all started? I didn't get the impression that it started with the accident. Have you always felt this way?


Like many childhood was a pain and yer things sort of stem from there but those things don't cause me problems and I am not bother by my childhood. However in a sense the accident felt worse for me because it link in with past feeling and thought's but then somehow they got extreme empathises on them by the accident and took on a new form for me. If you can understand me here. How I am now though is to do with the accident because it all stems around thoughts of that, in which most people's answer to is stop looking back to the past, leave it or you need to be here now in the present. Well if I could just be here and now I would have been a different me and not reacted as I did or at least been or done thigns differently but I reacted how I reacted and the accident still causes me problems I think, but only in that it change me and I can't ever be how I use to be I can only hope I can improve on how I am now in a few araes to be how I would like to be, but I am not kidding myself in thinking I could be somthing I am not, I know I will never be like I should or you would expect a person to be. However what really gets me is my body reacts in way in which I can't control which is to do with the accident, Any stress feels like that of stress you would associate with such an event, which actually the stress I should be feeling is very little to the situations going on in my life, but I react to it with such strong emotions and reactors. Which people just don't get and put down to oh she just one of those people that everything is extreme and drama.... er yer I get it you all get stress as well and the same situation you and I am in causes you stress and worry. However do they dam well feel the stressed to the extreme I get it no they don't and it has been 6 years now and I am sick of feeling constantly in this state or having to think how the hell can I not react like that or even what is really worse will I ever just be able to feel stress like some people feel, which is on a level which is acceptable or required for the given situation. Many of the thoughts I hold of myself are based on my life after the accident and how I reacted and how things have gone on since that point.
  #14  
Old Nov 09, 2012, 07:51 PM
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Mindinpieces Mindinpieces is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hellion View Post
Yeah that is kind of similar to how I feel. I mean like I feel rather pathetic for some reasons, reasons many would consider someone pathetic for yet people tell me I am not but then I feel like I am only lying to myself by accepting if someone says I am a good person and just a little lost for instance.

Like sometimes I wonder if I am nice to people, and maybe even a little to helpful towards them to the extent of neglecting my own needs just to make up for feeling like such a screw up and not because I am nice person. That could maybe use a lessen or two in assertiveness not to be used or walked all over.

The other day I don't know why suicide came up but my brother said he'd hate me if I did that, and well you know I thought it seemed harsh but then he explained it would just be that painful to him since I'm his sister and he loves me he would feel a lot of anger and frustration about it. So I get it, but if offing myself would hurt the very people I care about that much then what is there to do. Can't seem to make it at a job hence why I am applying for SSI, seems like I need drugs to keep then anxiety and some other symptoms under control to get enough relief to function somewhat........people tell me there is nothing wrong with it if I say I take presciption meds which I am now..but then I've been called all kinds of things for self medicating with cannabis and alcohol for the same reason I am taking the prescription meds. Like I was trying to make a point on some other site and someone basically said my opinion shouldn't count because I'm just an addict(for what doing what I could to try and get through college, yeah it ended up not working out since I still had to endure going to the campus and being reminded of the cause of my PTSD every day, couldn't really go to class drunk or high, well I suppose I could have but I felt that would be kinda disrespectful to the professors or college or whatever. But when it came to home work being a bit under the influence helped me relax so I could concentrate on my college homework rather then be distracted by a bombardment of negative thoughts). So yeah it was a bit offensive to me......but even so then I still feel bad for having had to resort to that and still failing college anyways just cause I couldn't keep going to the campus.

I think instead of having just 'substance abuse' as a symptom of PTSD they should include self medication....not saying I've never abused substances but that to me is more of a depression thing I've purposely overdone things as a form of self harm not enough to die but yeah self medication is different since the point of that is just to try and function better not self harm.

I sometimes want to try maybe going to college and taking my anxiety meds while on campus(never had any before, but got prescribed klonopin), but I don't want to just screw up again and owe even more in student debt. But yeah people don't like it when I seem 'self loathing' but then half the time I feel I have every reason to be that way...I don't imagine this is much help. But yeah I feel like there is something wrong that can never be repaired.

Thank you for your reply, you are of help letting me read how things are for you, I hope maybe I was of some help with my post in an indirect kind of sense, I guess. I am sorry you are feeling this way and things in your life make you feel in such a way. I hope you are glad you stayed on PC? I did reply to your thread on wanting to delete your account. How are you feeling in continuing on with here?, I hope it is of help for you!! or at least a place to find an escape for a bit in a sense from life or a break from life in a sense. Sorry sort of started replying to you but then when off onto my thoughts and this isn’t actually a reply to you, sorry, so this will just be a jumble mess of more of my thoughts and feeling so do ignore me and please don’t that this as a personal reply to you as it is not aimed at you.

Snap with the whole people tell you note to feel that way for things you know truthfully maybe actually it does make you ok to feel the way you feel. Like sometimes people tell me no you’re not horrible etc etc yet soon they would be saying to someone else well she is horrible or a waste because of this or that reason ( reason being a thing in which I have done in life). It hurts to think, do they hate me more for being up front for knowing what I am or is it actually they would like it if I just played along so they could go see she doesn't even care see how horrible she really is, when actually I was just trying to play along and be more how people expect you to be which is happy happy happy, shallow if you ask me or more delusional from your mistake.( Not to say I think people should hold thing’s against themselves to a unbareable state or use their past to harm themselves, although I do this more too often, I do have to admit.) I kind of perceive those people in my life as self-medicating with false sense of their self’s and sometimes more than one person in my life tends to clan together and share the same false sense of security of themselves and those in their close knit of friendships. Which hurts me more when I am trying to work through things and be realistic about my life and the things I have done, at no point do I kid myself in thinking I am anything I am not nor do I think I should viewed any differently from others. Nor do I think that I am owed anything in life you know how some people go down that route of you think your all that or you think just because your live you have the right to this and that.. er no I don’t think that. However I would just like to find my little place in life and take a step out of the way of being the dam annoying person in everyone else way and not be such am an example how not to live your life or be an example of how you do not want to end up like as a person. Ok so I say my little place, well yer people are going to hate me and have a go at me for wanting to end my life so yer I have to hope there is at least a place in life for me just to have a job of some sort would be the basic of my life and my existence, that is all I require to find my place in life, not asking for much here but somehow I am an heavy burden just for carrying on for the hope of this. This way if I have to keep living then I am doing it the only way I could do it and make it be not so bad for me to live but actually the chances of me ever having this are next to nothing and I am not sure how much more I or the other people in my life can take of me going on the way I am with no way to change it so I can just find my place in my life and therefore not be like this no more.

Last edited by Mindinpieces; Nov 09, 2012 at 07:58 PM. Reason: sorry prob still dont make sense and typo's arrr
  #15  
Old Nov 10, 2012, 11:02 AM
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Thunder Bow Thunder Bow is offline
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Only you can change how you feel about your self and life. No one can do that for you. I still think my original post holds true in this case.

Last edited by Thunder Bow; Nov 10, 2012 at 11:04 AM. Reason: typo
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