[soxcatch]

My girlfriend loves that I'm passionate and romantic with her. I'm never afraid to tell her how much I love her or go over-the-top to express my feelings for her.

However, that display of emotion comes with some drawbacks. I'm also passionately jealous and am quick to get upset at some of the smallest things. There are issues I'm still coping with in the fallout from the divorce with my ex-wife which was a very toxic relationship. I've been having to remind myself that my girlfriend is not my ex, but I wear my emotions on my sleeve and even when I try to hold it back my girlfriend knows when I'm upset. It's been hurting the trust in this new relationship.

[Leed]

Hi "Sox" ~ Well, trust has to be earned. Has she earned your trust? If she has NEVER done anything to make you MIS-trust her, I would think that she has earned your trust.

Jealousy can be dangerous. While some women think it's flattering, it can also be insulting. If you have NO PROOF of your girlfriend doing anything wrong, think twice before you speak. Count to ten if you have to -- but don't say anything unless you have proof. Women AND men don't like to be accused of things they haven't done. The more you accuse, the further away you're pushing them. Even suggesting something is a push away.

So be careful. You may just lose her. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[Daylight003]

Hi SoxCatch ~

Entering a new relationship with a clean slate can be hard when you're left with emotional scars from a past destructive one. But that's where that relationship is - in the past. And your feelings for your ex-wife, the one that hurt you, needs to be left with her and not transferred onto your present girlfriend. It will only damage your relationship in the long run...

It's good, however that you are able to recognize that your behavior is 'off-key'. That means that there is hope for you to work on it.

Now for the harsher part... Every time you're feeling jealous just forget about it. If she's going to cheat, she will. You (in effect) saying 'don't cheat' really won't make a difference... 'cheaters, cheat' and the sooner you realize that the better.

But, if your girlfriend truly cares about you, she's not going to cheat full stop. We all deserve to find someone that truly cares about us and who's feelings towards us are genuine. You won't need to worry because when you find that person, they wont do anything to hurt you. All in all, stop worrying, just relax and enjoy your time with your girlfriend

All the best and I wish you luck ~

[soxcatch]

Thanks for the remarks. I've already done my share of pushing away earlier on, so it's something that became a bit of a wedge between us. This is where I say what happened with the ex came into play since there was a lot of damage there that happened over the years and I developed a lot of trust issues. I don't believe my girlfriend will cheat and she's done nothing to make me think she has or will, but my mind goes off on some wild tangents sometimes.

Yes, I recognize the behavior on my part, but I have a very hard time trying to control it when it crops up. I've had issues in my past with anger as well that have gotten better with time away from the ex, so to me it's really about learning self control for a number of my emotions.

I wish I could be that calm, cool guy that could keep it all contained but that's never really been me. Even in better forms, like when I was an athlete in my younger days, I always threw my passion out there on the field.

[Daylight003]

You're welcome. (And I hope I wasn't coming across as too critical before hand. I just re-read my post and it sounded a little that way O__O)

Anyway, I understand that uncontrollable anger can be exactly that, uncontrollable for some people (- my sister has some sort of anger issues as well). Hmmm I'm not to sure what to suggest as my sister can't exactly control her emotions yet either but perhaps if you're willing to try therapy, maybe it could help? Other than that though I can only suggest that you maybe try to control it by channeling your anger/jealousy. This might sound a tad silly but it could work, have you heard of those stress balls? Well it's fairly easy to carry around, every time you feel any sort of anger/jealousy/unwanted emotions and feel like you're loosing control, you could grab it. I think if we link emotions to certain actions we can maybe learn to control our feelings. For example I've heard that clenching your fist can give you a feeling of determination and will power, and those trying to watch their weight should use this action to help give them a healthy feeling of power and control. Of course err I'm not really sure if that works, just a thought though.

But yea, you do seem further ahead than my sister given that you genuinely are ready and wanting to commit to change. And if you genuinely want that for yourself then I believe you can learn to adapt. I can't advise you in the way an expert can but keep strong and keep up the will power, not only for your girlfriend but for yourself ~

[soxcatch]

The desire to change and recognizing the problem has never really been the issue. My issue comes in the heat of the moment and trying not to let things bubble over on me.

[avlady]

I used to get jealous when my husband and I were first married-let me tell you it is no way to live happily ever after. He would get hurt when I accused him of doing things he claims he never would do, but gave me the chance to see if he was cheating or not, we've been married 17 years now happily, i love him very much and would never do that again. Also he had a friend that murdered his wife when he found out his wife cheated on him, so is it really worth all the accusations? If you can't control yourself now, what happens if you've found out she cheated on you. you don't want to ruin your life by doing something stupid if she did cheat on you. Relax and know you love her, even if she did make a mistake.

[soxcatch]

Well, last night I did a lot of pushing away. I got pretty irate because she wouldn't really tell me what was going on with a few people involving her in some ridiculous drama, and I was concerned because it was hurting her and I didn't like them involving her (I called it being protective). Well... me getting angry about it isn't protective either, so I've done a fantastic job of alienating her.

There are times in which I'm ok at keeping my emotions in check, but it bubbled over pretty quickly last night.

[hamster-bamster]

Lee has suggested that some women might find jealousy flattering while others might find it insulting. So which way is your gf?

The latter, per your posts.

avlady has suggested that you are risking her life and your freedom from jail if you do not act on this problem immediately. Very true - the "crime of passion defense" has been eliminated in most jurisdictions in the US, and even where it has not been eliminated, all it would get you is proving no premeditation and, subsequently, the reduction of the crime to manslaughter (still quite punishable) crime of passion legal definition of crime of passion. crime of passion synonyms by the Free Online Law Dictionary.

That, even in "in flagrante" cases.

I think you need to use a behavior modification strategy if you want to stay in this relationship safely for yourself and for the woman.

The behavior modification should be along the lines of "zero tolerance policy".

You should have zero tolerance for nosiness on your part.

In practical terms, it would mean never asking her questions. If she is forthcoming with her own accounts of what has been going on with her, that may be fine (unless you get irate, still), but you should not ask her any questions about what is or has been going on with anybody in her life other than YOU. It is all her private life and you should respect her as such. She does not owe you any explanations. You are not her manager and she is not your report, right?

If you cannot do that, stay away from her.

If you can stick to this behavioral policy very firmly, you can then, at your leisure, discuss your emotions on here, with a T if you have one, or with anybody else, or via journalling or creative expression, or anything safe of that sort, but you need to first be able to stick to the rules of behavior.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by soxcatch

My girlfriend loves that I'm passionate and romantic with her. I'm never afraid to tell her how much I love her or go over-the-top to express my feelings for her.

That part is great.

Good luck conquering the other part.

[soxcatch]

Oh jeez... nobody is getting violent.

The drama centers around two other guys who are fighting over her even though she has no intention of going there with either. So I'm sitting here thinking this is absolutely ridiculous since, um, I'm the boyfriend. There's also another woman in the mix between the two guys who made some offhanded comments about my girlfriend, so... from the bits I gathered it's pretty nutty, but it had me both concerned and upset that people are talking about her like that.

I did try journaling for a little while and venting into there since I like to write, but she kept poking her nose into my journal and getting upset over what I was venting about so I stopped.

[hamster-bamster]

Ok so she is being nosy. Shame on her.

Look, if you are able to post here, in an anonymous password protected manner, outside of her being nosy, you should be able to journal online in the same manner. Blogging privately, google drive, etc. Every browser has a mode for traceless using of the internet. Private browsing in safari, incognito in chrome etc. Since journaling DID help, you should pursue it.

[hamster-bamster]

For using the internet without leaving traces, that is.

Or do you prefer pen and paper?

[soxcatch]

I had been journaling in Word, each month a different file on my laptop. Yes, she has done her share of snooping, but I'm guilty of it as well. When we were first together we had a policy of transparency which no longer exists because it was too open, I suppose.

[NWgirl2013]

Hi There ~ I agree that you have a fresh slate. Congrats on that! Jealousy says more about you than her. (think controlling her in a bad way, is that really what you want to do?)
I also think you should play the "put the shoe on the other foot game".

'If my girlfriend said this to me, I would feel...' 'If she treated me that way, I would...'

It might help. Just a thought...

And by all means do as Hammy says since you find it helpful. Journals only really work if they are private.

[hamster-bamster]

I recommend google drive to upload all your word files in one fell swoop. Searchaable for one and somebody else in the cloud is responsible for data back up. My laptop was stolen in 2008 and since then I am all for storage in the cloud. In other words, google drive offers benefits besides privacy. I no longer recommend blogging for you because google drive where you can have a new file monthly matches your past routine with word files while blogging does not.

[hamster-bamster]

Exactly. You really need privacy for journaling or else you would censor yourself making journaling pointless. You can later choose to share select portions of your diary with her as you see fit.

Privacy is not secrecy or deceit. Privacy is your right.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by soxcatch

Yes, I recognize the behavior on my part, but I have a very hard time trying to control it when it crops up. I've had issues in my past with anger as well that have gotten better with time away from the ex, so to me it's really about learning self control for a number of my emotions.

I wish I could be that calm, cool guy that could keep it all contained but that's never really been me. Even in better forms, like when I was an athlete in my younger days, I always threw my passion out there on the field.

I think it is a mistake to be trying to control or contain your emotions. Emotions are information to let you know what is going on with you in relation to yourself and your world to help you make good action choices. The feeling is not the action! You can decide to be angry and state your case in a calm fashion or you can punch your fist through a wall; the first is using your head to help you, the second, not so much :-)

If I were you, I'd recognize when you are jealous, angry, etc. and then immediately be happy about that! You have "caught" your feeling as you are feeling it and can now use it, along with your brain, to come up with a really good action that will help you and the person you are with. Instead of storming over to a guy your girlfriend is talking to and telling him she's "yours" and to quit flirting with her, you first add to your jealousy how great your girlfriend is, she's "worth" flirting with! You know a wonderful person in your girlfriend.

Then, you ice that cake and remind yourself of your girlfriend's characteristics: she loves you, she is good to you, she is not off in a corner with this guy and, if you go over and stand next to her you bet she'll introduce you to the guy and include you in the conversation. . . about the fun activity the two of you did the other day.

Action? You walk over and stand next to your girlfriend with a smile on your face and wonder if the guy likes any of the same things you do because he might make a good friend since he appreciates what you appreciate (your girlfriend).

Yes, it will take time! But, the more you work on noticing the moment when you are upset, the faster you will be concentrating on yourself and how to help yourself with your anxiety/fears/hurts so they don't spill over on others where they don't belong (yet; just because you trust and are able to trust again after being hurt does not mean you will never be hurt again, only that you can take care of yourself in a healthy manner and help yourself heal). It is not so much what other people do/have done to us that matters as the number we are doing on ourselves thinking and waiting for something outside of us to make it all better. The other person has to not cheat, the other person has to not hurt you, the other person did hurt you so you are unwilling to trust this person in front of you that has not hurt/cheated on you. Looking at the other person, instead of ourselves, we can't get inside here (to our heart and healing) from out there!

[hamster-bamster]

Since there is no threat of violence, I think you can allow some moderate display of jealousy in private, not in public, treading ever so lightly and gauging her reactions and trying to capitalize on the flattering part of jealousy without angering her by the insulting part of jealousy.

[soxcatch]

No, I've never displayed any of that in public. In fact, one of the points she makes to me is that I must be able to control it since I don't do it in public, so I must be making the choice to do it in private. Perhaps it's because it's a more relaxed atmosphere and my guard is down?

What would be considered the flattering part of jealousy?

[hamster-bamster]

Passionate love, albeit possessive, is flattering.

Jealousy in most general terms means that you desire her so much that you assume that other men cannot NOT desire her as well. That is flattering.

Assuming that she is doing something wrong on the other hand can be insulting.

[soxcatch]

Pretty sure I cover all three...

[hamster-bamster]

So you will have a baby and the bathwater problem to work through.

[hamster-bamster]

From observing others rather than a direct experience:

jealousy that comes from a past relationship is very unflattering, unsexy, unappealing, and unarousing. This is because it has nothing to do with the current object. It is not about your desire for the current girlfriend and your thinking that all the other men within her earshot desire her as much as you do - the flattering part.

It is rather about your imputing to the current girlfriend things from your part girlfriends. Not sexy. Not passionate. Not flattering. Not even about her. So drop that if you can.