What am I doing with my life...

IDK, legally disabled so thus I get disability income, but I admit my life tends to be quite mudane. I am able to get out some, can usually afford a concert or two luckily most bands I like that end up touring play at smaller venues so can be pretty cheap. Admittedly I use cannabis as I find it helps some of my mental health issues more than any prescription... I also drink some(usually just a couple beers or mixed drinks), smoke cigarettes and on occasion I will indulge in other things...but its my life. Either way the income sucks, but obviously I would not be on disability if it was as simple as going and getting a job. I also just have no idea what I want in life....the idealist crap I think about is never going to happen, the world is going to remain a stressful, overly competitive, people destroying people sort of place not sure how to be blissful about that. I can look around and think satirical thoughts and be frustrated there is nothing I can really do aside from attempt to live life...and try to survive when everything falls apart but yeah not going to 'change the world', too late.

I probably shouldn't smoke cigarettes, lol that combined with smoking cannabis causes me a bit of chronic coughing(probably more the cigarettes) but I don't give a crap, I'm going to die anyways eventually...at least its not as immediately damaging as something like cutting. I love listening to music, and have copies of albums on various formats....but much of the time no one to listen to any with...always worried of turning people off if they find out I am on disability income which is a concern when trying to meet new people. I do end up spending quite a lot of time with my brother, but he works a graveyard shift and sleeps a lot of the day so would be nice to find some of my own friends or acquaintances to chill with. But who wants to hang out with some 25 year old college drop out, still living at moms house, with no real prospects of anything impressive in the future. I don't know where I am going with this, I am not even feeling that depressed or anxious at the moment but I guess this stuff is sort of on my mind, no real feeling attached to it though....I think perhaps it should make me sad. So yeah just some rambling of what is going through my mind.

You have Depression, and tending not to take care of yourself and health. If you already have not done so, see a Therapist to help you through this. But first, you must have the desire to heal.

Yes, I get this. I feel much the same way as you describe, Hellion. The main difference is I'm old. So at this point I know I'll never accomplish anything of any consequence & I no longer care. I don't have any friends. But that's okay too. I don't want any. I am married (which is probably the only reason I'm not either a homeless drunk or dead.) But beyond that, I just want to be left to my solitude. I don't drink or smoke or do drugs. My addictions include black tea (caffeine) & the internet.

I have a therapist, not sure where things will go with this one...she's a trauma therapist so we're going to be focusing largely on the PTSD but I imagine she's planning to help with some of the depression/anxiety issues to. Just don't know about having a real desire to heal....or at least with the PTSD worried about actually addressing stuff to get to any point of healing if that make sense, the worry seems to over-rule the want of healing.

I want friends... sometimes I feel like it would be easier if I didn't, apparently some people diagnosed with autism like I am don't really want friends I am one of the unlucky ones who does but still has difficulty interacting...I guess I do have some sort of friends/aquantinces but mostly just people I know because of my brother. Lol guess if I had a serious relationship perhaps the not really having friends wouldn't be so bad...but then meeting people of course is difficult. Also worry about jumping into friendships/relationships too quickly out of desperation, kinda sad and good way to end up getting used by people.

I guess maybe I shouldn't worry so much about if I accomplish anything worthy of mention.

I can definitely relate to a lot of what's going on in your life, except like The Skeezyks, I'm old now.

The disability part is already disheartening but it gets worse when on occasion I meet someone new. That's when I have to face questions like, "What do you do?" I really don't want to get into that because I'm likely to get the "But you don't look sick!" reaction. My life is mundane and routine so I don't have much else to chat about, either.

I have a few friends but they all live at least 50 minutes away. Low income and anxiety keep me from taking that relatively short trip to hang out for a few hours...

Sometimes everything seems pointless.

Perhaps I should consider the question 'do I need to be doing 'something' with my life'? and what that even means. Am I not doing anything with my life just because I don't have a job or career prospects...still attempting to experience life and learn from it I guess, doing what I can to get by and enjoy moments. As for the disability income, well sucks that is something people can judge me on but if they do then I don't have to continue interacting with them.

The only problem is, if you actually do something, or SS finds out you are able to go to a concert or two, you will lose your disability. Sucks I know, but you're not allowed any type of life on disability.

That is not entirely true as far as I know..they don't take your SSI away if they find out I can go to a concert or two, they don't like monitor every purchase you make anyways even if they didn't feel that was a proper use of whats left once I cover nessecities....they would have no way to know that especially if I use cash. And yeah after I pay my 300 or rent, phone bill and other sort of basic things I will spend the rest on things I like that make my life more pleasant.

If they enforced disability=not being able to have any type of life I think suicide would move up from being a something I haven't entirely ruled as no idea where life will take me and if I can endure it..to being fairly close to the top of the list of options of what to do in that case.

Well, I'm kinda goin' by what happened to me. I was denied disability for the following reasons:
OCCASIONALLY, I go to church.
I go to A.A.
I go to the library occasionally, and about once every two or three months, if I'm not in too much pain or too depressed, I can manage to wipe down the bathroom. According to Social Security, that is considered too much activity to be on disability.

They try to find any reason to initially deny and keep denying, they where likely trying to argue those things prove you are functional which makes no sense as none of that implies you could function on a job. Seems like things in your state are f***d up, any chance of appealing with an attorney?

But from what I understand its harder to get kicked off of it than to be approved for it...since it is harder for them to come up with reasons to 'prove' you have recovered enough to work. It is the getting on it one has to worry about not so much getting taken off of it...at least I hope so otherwise I am doomed in various ways.

I have an attorney. We appealed it and had a hearing, and those were the reasons the judge gave us. The attorney appealed that too, but that was over a year ago.

Yeah you know, perhaps they did have good reason to rule you aren't disabled...you seem to be functional enough to judge how disabled others are, maybe you should work as one of the people who gets to nit-pick reasons someone is not disabled...then you could ensure no one gets on disability.