So yesterday I went with my mom to the grocery store to help her out with carrying things and pushing the cart, because she wasn't feeling well. Usually when I'm in a large and populated place (like a store), I get a good feel of what some of the people around me must be thinking when they look at me. What comes to mind - "Look at that girl, she's huge." "I wonder how she can even push that cart." "Poor girl, she's really let herself go, it's like she doesn't care about herself at all." And when I'm in public, and someone gives me that pitying look, I want to s c r e a m . I want to scream it right in their faces - NO! I DON'T CARE ABOUT MYSELF! WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT MYSELF?! Because it's true. I'm starting to realize just how little I actually care about myself or my health and wellbeing. And it's troubling. It's troubling because I know I should care about myself - and I want to. But I don't know how. My self-esteem is low, so could it be that I don't feel I deserve to be cared for? Maybe. However, when I try to do right by myself - eat better, exercise, get enough sleep, not watch TV and surf the web all day - it's like...I don't know. It's like, Why am I doing this? Like I'm wasting time on something that isn't important, when in reality, I know that caring for myself is very important - I just can't seem to convince myself of this. Now everywhere on the internet, and especially here on Psych Central, I've been seeing "self-care". Yes, I've read some articles, but none of them really resonated with me all that much. (I really want to learn how to care for myself, but without it feeling so...corny? I guess?) I can't see a therapist, so I'm turning to here for help. I'm tired of being indifferent to myself. I want to care for myself, and maybe even love myself, but now it's seems that goal is reaching farther and farther away...becoming more and more impossible.

[Thunder Bow]

You making the 1st step in the right direction. There hope for you yet! Remember, there are no quick fix for our problems, thus you need much patience and determination to follow through with your healing goals.

[unaluna]

Caring is hereditary - you get it from your parents. If you didnt get it - if you got ignored or neglected, it can feel more normal, more natural, more comfortable to continue to neglect yourself. Otherwise honestly it feels like a fight. You ask a very good question. Why should you, if no one else ever did? That question, or the state of affairs that leads to it, should be illegal or unheard of. Its work we have to do just to get to the starting line of where a lot of other people start from. Otoh, hey some people dont even have running water. I try to remind myself, hey 4 families in Russia would be sharing my apartment and be grateful for it.

[PianogirlPlays]

I hope you will be able to see the amazing things about you.

[ifthespiritmovesme]

The worst problem that humans face, is a feeling of unworthiness. if something good happens, we tend to discount it, because we do not feel we deserve it. Please search your heart and look for things about yourself that you know are good. Look how you went with your mom - to help her because she wasn't feeling well. That is worth feeling good about yourself! Don't beat yourself up about the way you look. It is what is inside that matters. And if some people do not realize that, then it is them who has the problem. You ARE worthy, and you are a good person. Please search for things you can feel good about - even small things. It does matter. HUGS

[vital]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

So yesterday I went with my mom to the grocery store to help her out with carrying things and pushing the cart, because she wasn't feeling well. Usually when I'm in a large and populated place (like a store), I get a good feel of what some of the people around me must be thinking when they look at me. What comes to mind - "Look at that girl, she's huge." "I wonder how she can even push that cart." "Poor girl, she's really let herself go, it's like she doesn't care about herself at all." And when I'm in public, and someone gives me that pitying look, I want to s c r e a m . I want to scream it right in their faces - NO! I DON'T CARE ABOUT MYSELF! WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT MYSELF?! Because it's true. I'm starting to realize just how little I actually care about myself or my health and wellbeing. And it's troubling. It's troubling because I know I should care about myself - and I want to. But I don't know how. My self-esteem is low, so could it be that I don't feel I deserve to be cared for? Maybe. However, when I try to do right by myself - eat better, exercise, get enough sleep, not watch TV and surf the web all day - it's like...I don't know. It's like, Why am I doing this? Like I'm wasting time on something that isn't important, when in reality, I know that caring for myself is very important - I just can't seem to convince myself of this. Now everywhere on the internet, and especially here on Psych Central, I've been seeing "self-care". Yes, I've read some articles, but none of them really resonated with me all that much. (I really want to learn how to care for myself, but without it feeling so...corny? I guess?) I can't see a therapist, so I'm turning to here for help. I'm tired of being indifferent to myself. I want to care for myself, and maybe even love myself, but now it's seems that goal is reaching farther and farther away...becoming more and more impossible.

You have an indescribably vast and beautiful well of power and vitality waiting for you. You just have to find it...

This MIGHT help you find it

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...n-escaped.html

-v

[hamster-bamster]

Please read this blog - Blog! | Dances With Fat | Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness are Not Size Dependent

[hamster-bamster]

but to the general question - ultimately because if you don't care about yourself, nobody else would. Just take it one step at a time. If you want to tackle sleep - always a good idea and a good start - tackle sleep. Do not try to take on too much at one time, because you'd be setting yourself up for failure.

Success DOES breed success, believe me, but you need to make your task small and doable so that you can achieve success and build upon it.

Also, your goals are interdependent. You listed (I am paraphrasing and switching order a bit):

1) getting enough sleep
2)not watching TV or surfing the web all day long
3) movement
4) good food

If you get enough sleep, you will be more likely to feel cheerful enough to go for a walk.

If you go for a walk, you will be more likely to have restful sleep.

If you go for a walk, that would be time not spent in front of a screen.

If you spend less time in front of a screen, you will be more likely to have restful sleep.

To eat good food, you most likely will need to cook some, which also will be time not spent in front of a screen.

And so on.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

So yesterday I went with my mom to the grocery store to help her out with carrying things and pushing the cart, because she wasn't feeling well. Usually when I'm in a large and populated place (like a store), I get a good feel of what some of the people around me must be thinking when they look at me. What comes to mind - "Look at that girl, she's huge." "I wonder how she can even push that cart." "Poor girl, she's really let herself go, it's like she doesn't care about herself at all."

ShyPoetGirl,

I just came back from a concert where I saw two huuuuge women and instantly thought of you.

They were smiling, well dressed, put together... and nobody would pity them.

I know full well how hard it is to dress well being a young girl of a larger size. It is much easier for older women (one woman whom saw was in her 30s and the other in her 50s). In general, finding your style is harder for a young woman - I think it was Coco Chanel who said that any woman can be elegant at 60, but try being elegant at 16... Being huge simply magnifies this problem.

Still, if you find your style, people will stop pitying you with those looks. You won't look desperate - you will look confident.

To give you ideas:

One of the woman had incredibly good looking... feet. A fresh pedicure in bluish hues and stylish sandals made from black nubuck that had elaborate intersecting straps. Eyecatching.

A scarf, a little bit of makeup, jewelry, a long skirt (no sweatpants and no jeans would be a good idea for you), an updo are some other ideas. Style won't come to you in a split second - you will take awhile to develop it - but once you find pieces you like and learn to combine them to your advantage, it will stop the look of pity you are seeing in the eyes of bystanders. You will see awe instead. It will take you a while, but the pursuit is worth it. So... since you do surf the web all day long, look at fashions for bigger women. Browse gwynnie bee and find more on the web. I know you cannot buy clothes now, but you should start looking to determine what you like and picturing yourself looking confident rather than desperate.

Why should you care about yourself... specific reasons may have to be from you. General reasons...
concrete: because everyone (other than the obvious people) has value and deserves to be cared about.
abstracts and potentialities: Someone in the future may really need you... may need help and support and you may be the best qualified for that.
Somewhere in the future there may be an animal that will need rescuing... and you're the person who will do that.
Somewhere a man (or woman) may be waiting for that certain person who is their soulmate.
You do care but it's all twisted up inside and needs to find its way out. Give it that chance.

[rainbowsunrise]

I think it might feel corny to care about yourself; to acknowledge that you want to care about yourself and actually do it, because it's unnatural. It's something that you haven't done before and to do so would bring attention to yourself.

I never went to the gym or ate well growing up because that's just how my family was. Personally, I always wanted to be active, but it would have been out of place. When I became an adult, it took years to venture into a gym, even though I wanted to. It was embarrassing to discuss weight or choosing a healthy food because it was healthy.

But once I pushed past the initial awkwardness of doing something that felt totally out of place, and I got past the self-consciousness and feeling like a fraud, I was glad I did it. I'm not as healthy as I should be, and I still feel self-conscious going to a new gym, but I will do it, and I read nutrition labels and try out healthy recipes...

Try setting small goals for yourself...maybe noting which parts of self care (for lack of a better term) make you feel 'corny' and then pick something small that pushes your comfort zone a bit and go from there.

For me, it was allowing myself to walk into a gym and get membership information (don't allow them to talk you into a membership!! Check prices and contracts before signing anything!)

Specifically requesting vegetables be placed on the grocery list when I lived with roommates was another big one for me. Opting for a hamburger instead of a cheeseburger.

It kind of went from there to being avidly interested into eating well, exercising and sleeping enough.

Frankly, you should care about yourself BECAUSE no one else is guaranteed to. But you're gonna wake up with yourself for the rest of your life. So you might as well be able to trust, rely on, and like yourself. Not an easy reason, but a concrete one.

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

ShyPoetGirl,

I just came back from a concert where I saw two huuuuge women and instantly thought of you.

They were smiling, well dressed, put together... and nobody would pity them.

I know full well how hard it is to dress well being a young girl of a larger size. It is much easier for older women (one woman whom saw was in her 30s and the other in her 50s). In general, finding your style is harder for a young woman - I think it was Coco Chanel who said that any woman can be elegant at 60, but try being elegant at 16... Being huge simply magnifies this problem.

Still, if you find your style, people will stop pitying you with those looks. You won't look desperate - you will look confident.

To give you ideas:

One of the woman had incredibly good looking... feet. A fresh pedicure in bluish hues and stylish sandals made from black nubuck that had elaborate intersecting straps. Eyecatching.

A scarf, a little bit of makeup, jewelry, a long skirt (no sweatpants and no jeans would be a good idea for you), an updo are some other ideas. Style won't come to you in a split second - you will take awhile to develop it - but once you find pieces you like and learn to combine them to your advantage, it will stop the look of pity you are seeing in the eyes of bystanders. You will see awe instead. It will take you a while, but the pursuit is worth it. So... since you do surf the web all day long, look at fashions for bigger women. Browse gwynnie bee and find more on the web. I know you cannot buy clothes now, but you should start looking to determine what you like and picturing yourself looking confident rather than desperate.

Thank you so much for your fabulous advice.
I'll definitely be looking into new clothes when I can afford them. But my question for right now is - does there exist any possible way I can make my current look work for me until I can buy new stuff? The things I wear now are mainly jeans and t-shirts. I try to do the kind of rocker chick thing because I like it, but when I do it just looks lame and I don't know what I'm doing wrong. As far as makeup goes...I'm not a girlie girl and don't really do that kind of thing, but I wash my face and have good skin (one of the few things I do make time for), and a couple of people have told me I look good natural (yes, believe it or not, I was complimented!). I know it's going to be a pretty long while before I can start to buy new clothes, but I don't want to be stuck feeling lame and ugly in the meantime, so...are there any ways I can feel better about the look I have now, until then?
Thank you again.

[hamster-bamster]

Well, good skin is a great asset. If people tell you that you look great natural, that means that you do. I am not familiar with the rocker chick style (age gap ), but I think that whatever you do, if you put any effort or thought into it, people would not think that you have let yourself go.

Also, here in CA people wear flip flops or open toe sandals pretty much for half of the year, but if you live in a cold climate, then this is not an option. If it is an option, cute feet do add flare, believe me. Many years ago, my daughter was in kindergarten and her teacher was a huge woman. She did wear some make up, but the most cared for piece of her body was her feet. Clean, nice, soft skin; a fresh pedicure; flip flops; a toe ring.

And, I have seen this advice in books for women who are expecting - if you feel uncomfortably big, if you walk in a clumsy way because of the shifted center of gravity, if your gait best reminds that of a mother duck... get a pedicure and display your cute feet.

Now, the kindergarten teacher had a very regular kind of loose clothing, so her pedicure was red, as was her lipstick. They matched.

For a rocker chick, I guess a classic red pedicure would not do - maybe dark purple? But it is an idea. Something to think about. Costs money, though, but - your toes would always be in front of you reminding YOU that YOU are taking care of YOU.

Another way to take care of your feet AND soul is via footsoaks. They are not expensive. Walgreens sells big bags of EPSOM salts with lavender for about $6. All you need for a foot soak is 1/4 cup of salt, so $6 would last you a looong while. The scent is calming. If you like invigorating scent, Walgreens also sells EPSOM salt with eucalyptus oil.

You do not need special equipment or a tub - just use a plastic cat litter box. I bet you can get one for a dollar at Goodwill or at a dollar store.

Pour hot water. Mix in EPSOM salt. Lower your feet into the water. Make the water as hot as you can tolerate because then it would last longer. You can use your computer or read while your feet are being soaked.

When the water becomes too cool for you, get your feet out, pat them dry in a towel and put some sort of a moisturizing cream on top.

Your feet will be soft and nice and you yourself will become relaxed from doing this ritual. And, by the way, it would qualify as caring about yourself, because your feet are part of you, so soaking and moisturizing your feet is caring about you, and because becoming more relaxed is part of self-care.

I realize that November is not the right time to talk about open toe sandals , though.

[Alter]

Well i don't care about myself neither and i don't even try to care so i don't know how to help you, about the people that look at you, just try not to pay attention to that and if you can't, try to convince yourself that it dosen't matter, eventualy you will get used to it and it won't bother you as much as it does now.

[WantToGrow]

ShyPoetGirl, I am just so impressed by how articulate, well-written you are! That is a beautiful skill! And I think you are so close to making the decision to care about yourself, take care of yourself, for the fact that you are here writing about it. And everyone has written some really great advice in response!

I have found that one thing that makes me feel better is to step outside of myself and read the forums, read other peoples' posts and offer support. That is something you can do while you ARE in front of the screen :-) As others have written, it's what's in your heart that counts, and those people who look at you and silently pass judgement, well they don't know anything about what's in your heart, who you are.

Are there any elderly people in your neighborhood who have dogs that you could offer to walk periodically? That would be a good way to get started on some exercise, and exercise is a great way to boost your mood, boost your feeling of self-worth. And, you'd be helping someone else, which is always a good thing.

If you are indoors a lot, you may not be getting enough sunshine to make vitamin D, which can have a lot to do with depression/mood. I've known people who were tested to have a D3 deficiency. Another reason to get outside for a walk, to get some natural D. Also consider taking a D3 supplement. I know this sounds goofy, but it very well could play into things.

I wish you luck - we are all routing for you! You are worth it!

It's easy to say : Go, be well, take care of yourself!!! I've heard it lots of times, from my mother even...
It's harder to follow through when you don't love yourself enough to make an effort.
I find when I try to take care of myself again, starting from scratch when I've been binge watching tv and eating junk all day, is to start by doing one good thing.
If you can do one good thing for yourself every day, maybe all it is is make yourself start going to bed at a specific time every night.
When you make going to sleep a habit, you're body might trick your mind. If you feel better from having enough sleep, then you might get up and go outside in the morning. Or you might have the energy to make breakfast, instead of just eating whatever is easy.
Another one thing you can do, is when you feel the urge to watch tv, grab a book that is really good, and read instead. Spend the same amount of time reading as you would watching tv (30 minutes, 1 hour, etc...). That is, if you like reading. This one is so good, because you don't even have to change much about what you're doing... but what changes is you don't tire your eyes, and you don't eat junk because your hands are busy turning the pages.
I hope this is vaguely helpful. It's really tough to break away from numbing habits when you feel bad about yourself, so I'm definitely not telling you to run outside or get to the gym, because those habits take more time and self love. (Once you get the sleep thing down, and the book instead of tv, then you can try walking outside every day for 20 minutes... if this cuts into your reading time, that's good! You'll probably start with a lot of reading time)
The thing about people giving you looks in the supermarket... that sucks. I'm so sorry you have to go through that. People are so compassionate towards animals and distant starving children, but they can't seem to summon compassion for their neighbors. The only thing you can do is change how you feel about yourself. Then, their looks won't matter

[hamster-bamster]

ShyPoetGirl: once again, I thought of you when I saw a big and very gracious woman at the bank today. She was a teller and I saw her face, upper body, right arm and right hand.

She had extremely pale skin - and flawless, too, probably like yours. A round face. Probably in her early 50s. Soft hair in a bun. Very round - round upper arms, a round bust, fat round wrists (by the way, such wrists on women used to be considered an epitome of beauty in the era gone by). A slight bit of a second chin but ever so slight and very lovely - on your profile picture you have the same.

Her clothing was subdued in grey hues, but on her right index finger she had a huge black shining metal ring in the shape of a bird with spread wings. It was very bold looking. I complimented her and said that I love unusual rings but do not have the courage to actually go wear something like this. She smiled, revealing the yummiest dimples ever.

She was clearly Caucasian, but her last name was Japanese. So she must be married or has been married to a Japanese guy in the past.

And she was gracious, welcoming, self-confident, and altogether delightful.

Nobody would say that she "let herself go".

I thought of you, found the thread in my gmail, clicked through, and noticed a new avatar. That piqued my curiosity and I clicked through to your profile. What struck me is how small your second chin is. At that angle at which your face is tilted on your profile picture, most people would show a second chin. Yes, you have porcelain skin and the darkness of your hair illuminates your complexion because of how contrasts work in your favor. The frame of your eyeglasses is stylish. It is also becoming to you - round spectacles would not go well with the contour of your face. So either you have a good taste or your optometrist's office staff or your mom - whoever chose the glasses made a good call.

Fat is distributed differently on different people, to some extent. Butt/thighs/face/tummy/upper arms - that differs. So it is hard to say how exactly the shape of your body currently looks, but I can bet that you are not huge.

There is nothing wrong in being huge - I am just saying that your assumption that other people think of you as a huge girl seems suspect to me, because if you were truly huuuge, then your face would have far more fat on it. Looking at your face, I would say that you are chubby, but not beyond that.

Again, there is nothing wrong with being huge and a huge woman can be smart, elegant, and graceful. I just want to make sure that you don't get me wrong.

What seems to be a problem is that you attribute negative thoughts about you to other people who in reality might not be forming such negative opinions on you. In your world, being huge IS negative, so for you to say that others might think that you are a huge is an example of highly negative thinking.

Lastly, I think that there is a big problem with what prompted the title of your thread.

You must have read or been told by a therapist or a dr that you must care for yourself, must eat well, and must exercise. It just does not seem that the idea of doing those things has been conceived by you. It seems that it has been imposed on you from without. Would you agree or disagree?

[BeBrave483]

I find it very hard too, I've had people comment on things I do or don't do to take care of myself, and I just say well I don't actually matter enough to do these things for myself. It's hard if you have people putting you down too. But you don't have to take that, tell them to be quiet or move on from them. It can be hard, especially if you feel you deserve the criticism, but you know what, you don't. You are worth something, I know it, and you should care about yourself and want the best for you. Even though I'm a big hypocrite to say that! It's easier (for me anyway) to see the worth in other people but not in myself. We have to be worth something though. I'm sorry I've no advice but I hope you might start to find it easier. Take care.