[Fiona Alianor]

I feel worthless, not good enough, that I don't deserve to be happy, sometimes that I don't even deserve to be alive. I can't seem to get over it. I think it may go back to my early childhood. My mother was critical and neglectful. When I was very young, I had recurring bladder infections and she wouldn't take me to the doctor until I got a kidney infection and ended up in the hospital. I found out after she died that she had physically abused my older sister. I don't think she abused me, but I don't remember my childhood very well at all. I know that I didn't get enough nurturing.

I was also bullied at school, which contributed to my feelings of worthlessness and not being good enough. I began to believe everyone else was better than me.

Understanding where these feelings originated doesn't seem to be enough to help me get rid of them.

[Mike_J]

Forcing your self to do a bit of positive "self talk" can over time to make a difference.

Are you seeing a therapist?

[WantToGrow]

Fiona, I'm sorry you are feeling this way and I can relate, have similar feelings that overwhelm at times. I agree that understanding doesn't really change the reality. I have wasted so much energy thinking back on my childhood and finding blame in my parents, but the reality is that none of that changes the present. So, we have to move on and look for some way to improve the present. I've had it with talk therapy because it did nothing to change my cognition. I went to a therapist who was more of a behavior mod type, and I see the benefit in that but find that my brain writhes against the exercise she started me with, "grounding." I suspect I have ADD and my active brain won't settle, when I remember to do the exercise, and I forget to do it all the time! But, the couple of times I was going down the black hole and I remembered to do grounding, it did help.

So, what have you tried so far? Maybe the grounding exercise would work for you? Do some online research about it. When you start having the negative feelings, you are to practice the grounding. You are also supposed to practice it daily. I have remembered to do it a couple of times and do feel it helped pull me out of the rut...Problem is, I forget to do it! I think I will do some practice today and see if I can do better :-)

Wishing you peace, Fiona!

Hi Fiona Alianor: I just wanted to take a moment to say I could have written your post. Í feel your pain.

[Fiona Alianor]

Thank you, Mike J. No I'm not seeing a therapist. I live in a rural area, and I would have to drive over an hour to get to a town large enough to have a therapist. Positive self-talk does sometimes provide relief, but it hasn't changed my core negative beliefs about myself.

Thank you, WantToGrow. I like your phrase, "going down the black hole." I call it falling into the abyss. I very much live in my head, swirling around with my thoughts, to the point where I am unaware of my surroundings. I looked up the grounding exercises, and I will definitely give them a try!

[WantToGrow]

Yea! I relate to the "living in my head, swirling around with my thoughts, to the point that I am unaware of my surroundings" notion. I live that way, too. I have sprained my ankles each about five times throughout the years, and I believe it was because I was so deep in thought as I was walking that I had no body awareness...

I hope the grounding works for you! I am going to try to practice it today, if I could just get off the computer (OCD!). Have a great day!

I'm so sorry to hear you've had to go through all that No one should have to!

I have a similar story to yours, and just a couple of weeks ago, I asked my therapist to tell me how I can love myself. She said I just have to decide to do so - and that had I had caregivers as a child, as a baby, who loved themselves unconditionally, I would have identified with that unconditional love and learned that 'I'm wonderful', 'others are wonderful' and that 'life is wonderful'.

I don't know if anyone has ever told you, but I think the first thing you need to know is that none of the abuse, neglect or bullying was your fault. Absolutely zero of it! Those people didn't hurt you because there was something wrong with you - they did it because there was something wrong with them. You never deserved any of it!

I think the flip side of the 'I'm worthless' coin may be expressing your true feelings towards those that hurt you. Finally being able to 'tell them' - 'What you did to me was wrong! I did NOT deserve it.' And I don't mean necessarily confronting them in real life as that may be impossible, or could be harmful to you in case they are abusive still. But you can still work through and release your emotions on your own.

You say you cannot seem to get over feeling worthless. I've felt the same way. I think part of it has been not even wanting to let go as beating myself up means my true self will stay hidden and then no one can hurt her ever again. Part of it has been that I've identified so strongly with this 'version' of myself that if I let go, I wouldn't know who I am! Some of it was due to the fact that, as a child, I couldn't admit my parents were wrong as it would have been too terrifying to live with parents who didn't know what they were doing, so I blamed myself for what they did.. And I think it was partly to please my mother because as long as I felt worthless and lousy, she had someone to fuss over - she seems to need that - had an alcoholic for a father, became codependent, and so on..

I think there are a lot of reasons to actually not let go of feeling worthless as at some point, it more than likely served a purpose. But not anymore. Now, feeling this way can only hurt you and those who love you. You DO deserve to be happy, and you ARE worthy Believe me, you are. It's a lie that you're worthless. Your mind is lying to you. You're not. You never were!

[Fiona Alianor]

Thank you so much, d.o.a!! You made me feel so much better. I agree, I think I'm holding onto these feelings because this is how I define myself. This is me, this is who and what I am, I have always been this way, I am this. And as you say, if I let go of these feelings, I won't know who I am. I never thought that, but you are so right! I need to create an entirely new self-image to replace the old one.

I know that feeling It can be so terrifying.. For a long time, I felt that if I let go of those beliefs, I'd end up falling into a dark hole, into nothingness. But I've discovered that there is a bottom to that hole, and it's not 'nothing' that awaits there. It was me, who I was meant to be, or once was.. I call them 'child parts', parts of myself that were never able to mature beyond a certain point and that I wasn't able to 'own' before as I had no one to talk to about what had been going on in my life and how I felt about it. I feel they're me at different stages of development - the child or teenager-me who's still got questions, questions she didn't dare ask anyone at the time.

It seems like you, too, have a little girl inside you still, wondering about the things her mother did and didn't do, and about those bullies.. Who is this precious girl? How did she feel about those things? If you met her now and she shared with you her story, how would you feel and respond? Is there anything she needs? A hug, maybe, or someone to explain to her why the people in her life behaved the way they did, or perhaps someone to simply hear her out..

I believe you fill the 'void' with this person - by getting to know yourself, who you truly were and are, and by loving that person. And part of loving yourself is accepting and owning your pain and hurt as much as so-called 'positive' emotions, and healing that hurt by staying present and giving yourself what you need. You're worth it

[Fiona Alianor]

Oh, what a beautiful thing to say!! Thank you so very much! Yes, that little girl is in there. I have recurring dreams about being in junior high and high school. I have often felt like I am stuck way back there, as an adolescent, and never managed to grow beyond it, even though I am a middle aged woman and have two grown children. So much work to do but right now I feel positive and hopeful.

[Hellion]

I have struggled with such feelings since I was a child, I think it really became most noticable at the age of 10, by then I had it pretty ingrained in my mind I was different from others and thus deserving of ostracism and bullying....Also family life had some issues, my parents didn't abuse me or my siblings but they did not really get along too well, finally got divorced so plenty of family drama and even relatives on both mom and dads side are rather dysfunctional I guess so of course drama and growing up observing perhaps ineffective/unhealthy ways of going about things. I sort of downplayed how miserable I was at school cause I figured didn't want to add to family drama/problems by mentioning it.

But yeah even now I tend to feel worthless, I do have some people I'd consider close...but much of the time I worry they're just trying to be nice, don't actually like me at all or that I am on the verge of them kicking me out of their life(even if we haven't even had an argument/conflict recently). Also I just end up feeling like I am no good to anyone...even when people say differently.

Sometimes it really does overwhelm me, makes it hard not to contemplate suicide at times...but that is not the only reason, I know persistent feelings of worthlessness I feel though do contribute to such contemplation's. Just seems like no matter how much I know objectively I am not actually worthless the feeling never entirely goes away.

Originally Posted by Fiona Alianor

Oh, what a beautiful thing to say!! Thank you so very much! Yes, that little girl is in there. I have recurring dreams about being in junior high and high school. I have often felt like I am stuck way back there, as an adolescent, and never managed to grow beyond it, even though I am a middle aged woman and have two grown children. So much work to do but right now I feel positive and hopeful.

I'm glad to hear you feel that way

Dreams can be an excellent avenue into what is happening inside you! When I was growing up, I suffered from a recurring nightmare where snakes were chasing after and trying to kill my cat. My mum said dreaming of snakes meant I had a friend whom I couldn't trust. I myself thought the nightmares were simply about my deadly fear of snakes, and how much I loved my cat.

However, after I'd moved away from my parents house, I had a dream where I was surrounded by cages with snakes in them, and there was an audience sitting on the floor around me and I was explaining to them that even though the snakes were there, there was nothing to fear, that they wouldn't be able to get out of their cages - even though the snakes could have easily slithered out from between the metal bars of the cages.

I was stunned when I woke up after having this dream. I wondered if the 'friend(s) I couldn't trust' were, in fact, my family, and now that I'd moved away from home, they were 'in cages' - not a threat to me anymore, though I still wasn't emotionally free of them and they might be able to slither back into my life..

I do believe all the answers are within us, we just need to ask for them.

I think most people probably have unfinished business in their past because that's what we do, isn't it, try to move on and live our lives as best we can and not mull over things.. But I do think it's worth stopping, at some point when we have the chance, to get to know more about who we are and give our young selves the attention they once needed but couldn't get. It can be a long journey, but it's so worth it, even though it can be tough at times.

Hugs

[wolfgaze]

Hi again Fiona...

I am curious, do you have any pets/animals at home?

[Fiona Alianor]

Hi wolfgaze, yes, we have a dog and a cat.

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by Fiona Alianor

Hi wolfgaze, yes, we have a dog and a cat.

Good to hear Fiona....

My dog was instrumental in helping me overcome my longheld feelings of low self-worth and poor self-esteem. He came into my life about 4 years ago as a gift from a family member of mine. The strong bond that we developed and shared was one which allowed me to experience both extending and being on the receiving end of unconditional love/acceptance - which was so vitally important for me because my life circumstances were such that I did not find myself experiencing this with my relationships with other people. By resonating with this feeling/emotion (energy), over time I was finally able to let go of certain judgemental & self-critical perceptions of myself which had afflicted me throughout most of my life.

So the reason I asked you about having animals/pets is because I wanted to encourage you to practice viewing/perceiving/imagining yourself through the eyes of your pets. The animals have it right - they react to you based on your actions towards them and the energy that you radiate. Their awareness is not muddied nor preoccupied with any of the superficial judgements that humans have adopted through the collective influence promoted by our misguided society. Your animals/pets do not care about your physical 'looks', your clothing/appearance, your career/job, your relationship/marital status, your material wealth, your 'past' experiences or your imagined 'future'. Their perception & awareness is 100% synced with the present moment at all times. This is the natural way of being and experiencing 'life' that most of humanity has forgotten how to connect with & experience. This is the invaluable 'lesson' that animals can teach you - if you are open to it and willing to integrate this awareness. The next time you find yourself petting and closely bonding with and appreciating your dog & cat - pay attention to how it makes you feel within, how in this state you are able to relax and quiet your mind (including the judgemental/self-critical 'chatter'), and focus on connecting with this emotion/feeling (energy) of unconditional love & acceptance that your animals extend to you and you direct back at them. Initially this feeling is going to seem temporary, and conditional (context specific), but the more you connect with and resonate with this feeling , the more you will increasingly internalize this emotional energy and learn to direct inwardly as it relates to your perception of yourself (and others).

The following are some passages from a short book of sayings about animals called Guardians Of Beings (Eckhart Tolle):

"It's so wonderful to watch an animal, because an animal has no opinion about itself. IT IS. That's why the dog is so joyful - and why the cat purrs."

"When you pet a dog or listen to a cat purring, thinking may subside for a moment and a space of stillness arises within you, a doorway into Being."

"We have forgotten what rocks, plants, and animals still know. We have forgotten how to be - to be still, to be ourselves, to be where life is: Here and Now"

"The dog is still in the natural state. And you can easily see that, because you have problems and your dog doesn't. And while your happy moments may be rare, your dog celebrates life continuously."

"You just watch the tail.... With some dogs you just look at them - just a little look is enough - and their tail goes - "Life is good! Life is good!".... And they are not telling themselves a story of why life is good. It's a direct realization."

"The dog has no self-image, good or bad, so he has no need to play roles, nor does he love himself or hate himself. He has no self! How to live free of the burden of self - what a great spiritual teaching."

"What is it that s many people find enchanting in animals? Their essence - their Being - is not covered up by the mind, as it is in most humans. And whenever you feel that essence in another, you also feel it in yourself"

"When you are present, you can sense the spirit, the one consciousness, in every creature and love it as yourself."

[Fiona Alianor]

Oh, yes, wolfgaze, animals have always been very important to me. Sometimes I prefer them to people!! (Not all people, but a lot of people.) When I was a kid I always wished I was a cat.

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by Fiona Alianor

Oh, yes, wolfgaze, animals have always been very important to me. Sometimes I prefer them to people!! (Not all people, but a lot of people.) When I was a kid I always wished I was a cat.

Here is an intriguing write-up on the cat:
Cat, Power Animal, Symbol of Wholeness, Independence, Curiosity, Many Lives, Cleverness, Love, Mystery, Magic

[katluvzpurple]

I could have written that post.. I completely understand how hurtful it is to actually hate yourself. To think you deserve death over life, and that everyone must clearly know this and also hate you. It is good that you know this is not true on some level (that's why you're admitting it here), and that's a very important first step. I would definitely recommend seeing a Dr and following up with self-help books on self-esteem and dealing with depression/personality disorders. I highly suggest any books on DBT.

Please feel free to message me about other ways to deal with poor self-image. Hoping you're doing well.

[KristenRenee]

Originally Posted by Fiona Alianor

I feel worthless, not good enough, that I don't deserve to be happy, sometimes that I don't even deserve to be alive. I can't seem to get over it. I think it may go back to my early childhood. My mother was critical and neglectful. When I was very young, I had recurring bladder infections and she wouldn't take me to the doctor until I got a kidney infection and ended up in the hospital. I found out after she died that she had physically abused my older sister. I don't think she abused me, but I don't remember my childhood very well at all. I know that I didn't get enough nurturing.

I was also bullied at school, which contributed to my feelings of worthlessness and not being good enough. I began to believe everyone else was better than me.

Understanding where these feelings originated doesn't seem to be enough to help me get rid of them.

I can feel you. I often feel worthless. I was told my mom when I was growing up that I couldn't do anything right. iI was also bullied in school because of my weight. That stuff stays with you.

[Fiona Alianor]

Originally Posted by KristenRenee

I can feel you. I often feel worthless. I was told my mom when I was growing up that I couldn't do anything right. iI was also bullied in school because of my weight. That stuff stays with you.

Yes, it does stay with you, Kristen. When I was in second grade there was a boy who always picked on me and called me Ugly Face. He was a nasty little bully but it got deeply embedded into my consciousness that I am ugly and despicable. Throughout my childhood, the continual message from my mother was "you can't" and I've felt inadequate and not good enough all my life.

[codetta]

I know what you mean!!

I am still trying to figure out what to do differently so I don't "allow people to walk all over me".

I'm going to have to try this grounding exercise that was mentioned in an earlier response.

I just wanted to let you know that I can relate, and I hope that you can get rid of the negativity from those around you so you can like yourself!

It must be really tough having had things embedded in your head that way. I hope you can tell yourself that it just isn't true. You are smarter than that! I think you can get past this - it sounds like you've already made it through much harder things.