How do you handle loneliness, need for affection?

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. Periodically I get depressed, and in particular feel very lonely, and feel a need for human touch. When this happens, and I have no way whatsoever of satisfying these needs things go south. I fall into inappropriate behaviors, transforming something normal into destructive habits, and this makes everything worse. It's a form of escape. The problem is that whether I'm ok or depressed the underlying cause is still there and I don't know how to deal with it.

I finally figured out last year that as a child my feelings had been neglected and I was starved for physical affection. I have no memory of ever being held or cuddled by my mother. Her response to my getting hurt or upset was (still is) something like "tough cookies", without the humor. My dad was better, but neither really knew how to be warm and fuzzy. Even as a young child used to pretend that I had someone to give me the affection I needed. I can't change any of that, or the damage it did, but I have to deal with the effects now.
I can deal better with actually being alone than I can the need for touch and affection.

The experience contributed to shyness and social awkwardness, which I have made a lot of progress on, as I have overcoming the desperate feeling of needing a girlfriend. However, I'm 40, and for a variety of reasons, especially having epilepsy (although you would never know), I've never been able to make a living for any period of time. I have a masters degree and worked a variety of jobs. This year I was working on a vocational certificate, got a 4.0 first semester, my back got bad, had to drop out, and had back surgery. I'm recovering, and will be ready for work in a month or so, but won't have the job I went to school for. Now I don't know what I'm going to do. The result is I can't see how I'm ever going to get married. The point being that I am loosing hope of ever getting the affection that I need. I haven't had a girlfriend for 15 years, and connecting with people on any level is difficult. I have been on some dates, but that's all. So, how do I handle the normal need for connection everyone has, let alone my scars from the insecure attachment I grew up with? It's not thought of as masculine, but sometimes I just want to be held or someone to hold. At times it's almost unbearable.

Sounds like a multifaceted array of factors. Sounds like though aware of the effect of childhood, it lingers. Sounds like the recent surgery has caused a blow to self valuation, in the sense that there's concern if not working with your degree, marital prospects are nil. Which in turn creates a fixation on an ideal.
Do you participate in any social groups where there's a larger pool of people to meet and interact with, so there's less chance to zone in on just one person, until such time you meet that special someone?

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I recentely was talking with a friend about the need to be cared by someone special. She also told the same. She said that she wasn't able to conect with someone bc there was something bad in her.

I'm sorry that you are going through the same. Why do you think you cannot conect with people? Did you try it? I know your past experience being neglected has strong consequences in your life but there are people out there who care and are looking for the same as you.

Do you see yourself able to join a social group for any activity or hobby you are interested in?

I am sorry you are suffering so and are frustrated from pursuing the field of your master's degree. That can be frustrating.

As far as human contact, just having friends here on Psych Central can be very reassuring. By posting and replying to posts people recognize me and I feel part of a family.

Have you ever thought of massage therapy as a way of nurturing?

Many people find compassionate, caring people here at PC. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

Thank you all!

I have thought about massage, and should probably try it. There's a place I can walk to.

About my problems connecting...

I have made great improvements with being more outgoing. I even started and organized a Meetup for a year. I have some old friends I try to keep in contact with, and try to call my mother and sister fairly often. Sometimes force myself to talk to people even when I don't feel like it, because I know it's good for me. Since I'm out of school and in a strange city, with no church here, I have virtually no social contact. I get out of my apartment everyday, and have found excuses to invite some of the students over. Hopefully in two months I'll be out of here. I go to a church in a nearby city when I can, and know the priest there.

Something weird has happened though. When I was younger, until I graduated from college, it was MUCH harder for me to socialize in general, but paradoxically it was easier to connect and make friends. I felt more comfortable being with other people. Maybe part of this is getting older, but it's much harder to connect or feel comfortable now. A lot of times I don't know what to say, but the most difficult thing is interacting emotionally. Sometimes I'm just fine, but often I think people are looking for more emotional reaction from me. They feel uneasy because I'm uneasy. However, even with my best and oldest friends I often feel like there is an unbridgeable gap separating us. When I see them, I get worn out after an hour or so. I can't enter into their world, or perhaps more accurately, I can't forget about myself. With women it's 100 times worse. Part of the difficulty is that it is hard to find people with similar interests.

The experience of my surgery hasn't had so much to do with self valuation as practical consequences. My health has declined quite a bit since 2001. Coming here was essentially a last ditch effort at finding a career. I tried hard for a long time to make a living otherwise. Now that I'm not getting my certificate, and may be further disabled, AND cant move back home, it will be rough. I'm trying, but the reality is I have serious problems socializing and with intimacy. Finding a job will be tough. I'm in about $70,000 dollars debt from school. And, I have a serious chronic illness/disability, on account of which I can't drive. Any one of these could make getting married difficult. Now I'm at the point where I'm having to ask myself, "If nothing else mattered, could I be depended on to be a husband or father?" I'm not at all sure I could. I mean, for the present, I really need more like a nurse! I do look healthy. I'm decent looking, smart, and funny, but it would have to be a very special girl to take a chance on me. I see that, but for the same reasons that make me a a questionable prospect, I also see that I really need someone.

I haven't given up hope, and a lot could happen, but it just doesn't look good. It was thinking about those things that made me realize that I really have to come to terms with the need for affection, whether it helps me find a wife, or live alone.

About social groups... I have done a variety of things but never been able to establish myself in any of them. I wanted to be a musician or scholar, and worked at both for a long time, but ended up painting houses for a living. Most people my age are married with kids and have established careers. You learn to talk to all sorts of people, but it's hard to find a place where you fit in.

I also struggle with loneliness and no intimacy. I am married and am very very lonely. I'm not sure how much longer I can live this way. I try to keep busy and hang out with friends and join groups. But I miss intimacy with a man.

I too understand the loneliness, and the need for human contact/touch. Safe touch, for me would be the massage as suggested. Going to meetup groups in your areas of interest would be helpful also, and a pet hasn't been suggested but they (pets) plants, are very nurturing and nourishing for one's well being IMO.

Jade

I'm sure it's very difficult to be married and lonely.

Jade, I can't get a pet right now, but I miss my cat, Basil! Technically he's belongs to my sister, but I was his favorite. My sister's other cat liked my sister. They both live with her now. At least I can watch cat videos!

Walking Man, you seem to have a good grasp of your situation and have made a lot of effort to advance yourself, as best you can.

One thing I will not tell you is that you can keep yourself content by pursuing hobbies that you can do alone. Human beings evolved to need companionship. There is no way around that. You are wise to identify your problem as loneliness and need for affection. Those are real needs and they are not going to go away.

It would be nice if you could fine a suitable girlfriend, but, at the very least, you need contact with people who care something for you. I once had a co-worker who had epilepsy. Do not be too sure that a condition like that is a reason not to be able to pursue employment. You are too young to simply be home all the time. That's a recipe for going nuts. And, besides, you have too much to offer. Find a job to do somewhere, whether it pays wages or not. Put your good mind to some use doing something that has you with other people.

Your analysis of your childhood sounds spot-on. As you realize, though, you can't change that now. But you don't need companionship and affection just because you didn't get enough as a child. You would still need those things, even if you got tons of it as a child. It's just that overly undemonstrative parents tend to rear overly reserved, reticent children. That's tough to overcome. Part of what is needed is to have more of a willingness to take chances of feeling foolish, which I suspect is something that you avoid.

I've got some tendencies like that myself. Rejection can be very hard to take. What I've learned to tell myself is that making a social mistake is not the end of the world. Getting rejected hurts, but I won't die from it. 40 is still very young. As far as you being husband material, trust me, women have taken chances on longer shots than you. It happens all the time.

The way you handle these normal needs is to try and get them met. You won't handle them by trying to repress them. I think you already know that. You sound like you are real under experienced for your age. Then, again, you've been involved in academic environments where you did have to interact, so you can't be utterly clueless. If you care about the welfare of others, people will pick up on that. Get out where you can show that you do. It may take a rather long investment before you get a return, which I think defeats a lot of people. Decide not to be defeated that way.

What your life will be like 15 years from now could be vastly different depending on what you do over the next couple of years.

I am also very lonely - something a lot of people would find hard to believe, as I am a very social and outgoing person (asthough as I get older I more and more prefer spending time with myself, though I get depressed if I am alone for too long at a time, I need to get out, feel the LIFE, just walk around looking at people and feeling the vibe of the city, to really be restored). I have many friends, I have never been afraid to speak my mind, etc. So I am not reserved. But I am still lonely, it feels like I have a lot of friends, but few best friends. The ones I had are all in very committed relationships (living with their boyfriends) and I don't want to bother them as often as before by suggesting we do stuff. I have different groups of friends, in one everyone in single but in the other one I am the only single one. Especially the last group makes me feel lonely (even though I know they don't mean to) - I imagine for a guy your age this can be a problem, almost everyone you meet are married or in relationships. I feel like I have no one who considers me their best friend, or the most important person in the world except for themselves (a selfish feeling, but we all have that need), no one to talk to most of the time and that most people don't understand me if I do. Sometimes they even get annoyed because they feel I am judging people who live a different lifestyle (like them).

To me, it feels like I am always just "one in the gang" in a big group of friends, and rarely something more. My parents are the only ones who call me frequently. I often feel that if I just stayed in my apartment for two weeks (and kept up activity on social networks, or it would be too conspicious as I am very active there) no one would notice. It pains me that I have never felt love (I have been in a couple of relationships, the longest one about one and a half years) and cared about my partner but I have never felt that earth-shattering love that makes people adorably silly. I am only 23, so there is plenty of time, but I am starting to think more and more I will never find anyone. I don't know why, but I just don't seem to be the type of girl boys are interested in. I suspect it has something to do with the age group I am in, though, judging from own experiences, my own male friends and what I read from guys at my age in the "men's only" forum - yes, I admit, I read it, like men don't read the women's - most guys my age go for/are attracted to a certain kind of girl, or are too preoccupied with getting laid and how women look to notice the girls that are different or the women who are more like them (and afterwards they complain that women are shallow biatches who walk around like they own the place, when they are the ones obsessed with only the prettiest girls - bitter rant over). So I hope this will change as they mature a bit and start looking for something more serious. But I don't know, I struggle with loneliness a lot. I usually cope by going on a forum (like this one, or talking to people), reading or watching a movie, IOW "reality escape", by working etc., and by listening to music - There is a lot of music about loneliness and not finding anyone. It can help listening to it, knowing a lot of people feel this way.

I have also coped a lot with getting drunk, but I guess don't really recommend that. Although it really helped when getting over that only long-term relationship (aka more than year) I mentioned earlier.

Walking man, can you tell me something positive about you? I find myself constantly looking for affection but it is hard for me as I cant do anything about the affection I want for different circumstances I am under. I keep telling myself to feel positive and everything will work out, so that is why I ask is there something positive you can say about you

I'm smart, funny, sincere, and decent looking. I have my faults, but people will tell you I'm a good guy. Some of my friends say I'm too hard on myself, and they may be right somehow, but I think they have low expectations because of my epilepsy. Honestly, I have lowered my own expectations immensely after 15 years of trying and failing. Things I once thought were reasonable, like keeping a good job, having a home, and getting married, now appear nearly impossible. I work as hard as I can, but keep ending up in the hospital.

If I knew the answer I wouldn't be in the same position. I too think I'm smart and funny , though the depression leads me to do stupid things. I think some people are just destined to live and die alone.

Why have you lowered your expectations.... why? You are responsible for your life. Only you. If you want it to work... you can make it work. You have to have courage and strength to push yourself through any obstacle. You need to believe in you. Do you believe in yourself? I know we here believe in you. You can have a happy life and get the affection you want..... just believe you will. I keep telling myself everyday the same thing... I dont doubt it will happen soon

I just want to +1 on the whole being married and lonely thing.

I don't suffer from loneliness, although I did as a teen.
I enjoy basic company - it's enough for me as far as human interaction goes.
I actually prefer to be alone most of the time. I especially prefer to sleep alone.

Attempting to force a relationship tends to yield nothing, and when it does it's dandy at first but ends up in the rubbish. I forced a relationship, and now I'm paying for it. I've learned that you should just let them happen.

You can't eliminate obsession, so you have to modify it. Change direction. I don't suffer from loneliness because I have Rock & Roll. She's my best friend, and always will be. When I'm sad, she knows what to play. When I'm angry, she's got the right tune. She's the perfect friend for me and she never complains. She stays forever beautiful. When a song gets boring, I can go to another one and it's OK. They don't get jealous, they let me be free. Follow your passion.

I see a lot of kindred spirits on this thread. It's a shame that there are so many lonely people in the world. The soul dies bit by bit without human touch and an intimate connection, but like a bad tooth, it's a silent death until the nerve at the core is effected. At that point, there is screaming, agonizing protests. I don't see our own core any different and mine has been screaming for years. Hugs to you all.

. You're right I need to be more positive. I didn't give up on myself, but my hopes became outrageously unrealistic. For example: Long story, but after seminary, I applied to Oxford, St. Andrews, York, and Durham. I got into Durham! However I didn't get funding, so it was impossible to go, I even deferred a year in hopes of getting something. This year I majorly compromised by going to vocational school. I did great my first semester, but my back gave out and I had to drop out. I kept thinking that in spite of my challenges I could succeed at my ambitions if I kept trying, but after 10+ years it's not happening. I still have things I want to work on, but my body is a serious limitation. I've pummeled it into the ground more than once. I don't have any choice but to keep trying. I can hope, but just supporting myself would be a major accomplishment.

You are right. In high school and college I thought I would die without a girlfriend. Then I realized it wasn't necessary, and I was a lot happier. In spite of that, I've never gotten rid of the natural desire for companionship. Putting myself into other things does help.

My t says it is very natural to want a companion as we are made this way. It doesn't mean you will die without a companion but it is normal to want one. We are wired like that.

You sound like a wonderful very insightful deep thinking person. You are very genuine as well. There must be someone out there for you!

So there is no Greek Orthodox Church by you? Otherwise I bet you can meet some friends or more there!

I personally don't want a massage. I love being touched but not by strangers. But many swear by massage and love it! You should try!

Stick around this forum, we are all kind of in
The same boat one way of the other


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Just out of curiosity.... I hear that you have limitations, but not completely. I know you want to further your education but have you thought of an online education? There are may options to you. I studied and received Master certification studying online with Cornell University. Mind you that cost a pretty penny and you need to have the will power to make it to all lectures on a timely schedule, but there are many options out there for free education. There is a site called EdX that offers free online courses from IVY LEAGUE universities that do offer certification in some subjects. If you are limited maybe educating yourself this way will help open some other doors? There is also another site called COURSERA. Education should never be a struggle. I dont know how much this information will help, but maybe it will give you the push you need to keep your mind at ease and the "foot in the door" that you are looking for to keep your mind busy and self confidence up I have no doubt once you feel good about yourself the way you look at life will change. Once that happens, you will feel more free to opening yourself up to look for the affection that you so desire. Best of luck to you friends. Big hugs!