[Ladytmt]

So i realize everyone is different and has different values but whenever I'm hurting i feel like people say things to further hurt me. Or maybe i'm taking everything too personal because i've been hurt recently emotionally. Nothing bad from anyone on here but just people in my everyday life like co-workers. I'm still having a very hard time coping with how the person i was seeing hurt me by lying to me from day one... Saying he was single but was engaged the whole time. Later going on to tell me he loved me, he would never hurt me, etc. And when i found out about the fiance and confronted him he disappeared days later and I haven't heard from him since. His behavior was very selfish and never once did he consider my feelings but yet it seems like some people think its my fault for getting involved with him but again how was i to know from day one that he was lying? Even when I confronted him i still never got the truth he never admitted to it. If i'm supposed to heal from this how can i not beat myself up when i hear things like men do what you allow them to! Help, I don't know what to think anymore!!!

[Permacultural]

So actually, in that situation you described, you were stronger than he was. You had the strength to confront him after you KNEW he was lying. He was weak and avoided you.

[(JD)]

Well, most men will do whatever you allow them too... but that's their fault for not disciplining themselves too--and it's not just men!

I think we are much more sensitive when we are hurting and take many things "the wrong way". But there are those who do intentionally try to make others feels worse, so they feel better or some screwy psychology like that.... after a while you learn to drop them as friends and avoid family like that... if it's a co worker that's more difficult but doable imo.

Tell yourself you're being sensitive... what difference does it make whether they really are trying to make you feel bad if you don't allow it anyway... you'll get through it... perspective is everything!

I recently heard a story about how people who went to a conference had their seating all mixed up and many of them were really ReALLY angry and upset about it. One of the speakers for the conference was Joni Eareckson Tada... a lady in a wheelchair since teen years... and so she spoke to the group ahead of the opening...and apologized for those who weren't happy with the seat they had to sit in..... the room went silent.
She explained how she didn't pick her seat either... and then gave a beautiful testimony about God and contentment.... it fully changed the people's perspective, see?

It isn't easy... to try and take a better viewpoint of things...but it surely is worth it, imo!

[avlady]

nice story!!

[Ladytmt]

Originally Posted by (JD)

Well, most men will do whatever you allow them too... but that's their fault for not disciplining themselves too--and it's not just men!

I think we are much more sensitive when we are hurting and take many things "the wrong way". But there are those who do intentionally try to make others feels worse, so they feel better or some screwy psychology like that.... after a while you learn to drop them as friends and avoid family like that... if it's a co worker that's more difficult but doable imo.

Tell yourself you're being sensitive... what difference does it make whether they really are trying to make you feel bad if you don't allow it anyway... you'll get through it... perspective is everything!

I recently heard a story about how people who went to a conference had their seating all mixed up and many of them were really ReALLY angry and upset about it. One of the speakers for the conference was Joni Eareckson Tada... a lady in a wheelchair since teen years... and so she spoke to the group ahead of the opening...and apologized for those who weren't happy with the seat they had to sit in..... the room went silent.
She explained how she didn't pick her seat either... and then gave a beautiful testimony about God and contentment.... it fully changed the people's perspective, see?

It isn't easy... to try and take a better viewpoint of things...but it surely is worth it, imo!

Hi, thanks for responding. Point well taken. And you're right its not just men it is men and women. But in my case i was referring to a 47 year old man. Maybe i put toooo much value into him. In fact i know i did. I also thought because he was in his late 40's that he would be different but i was wrong. As for my co-worker you're right on that as well. I just felt like this was 100% my fault when she said it. Its like i internalize a lot now more than normal. I normally do a good job of ignoring comments like that but i am still very much hurt with what this guy did. I just wish all of this grief, hurt, and anger would end. I know I don't want a liar and i'd be lowering my standards but i had feelings for who i THOUGHT he was which really never existed.

[Ladytmt]

Originally Posted by Permacultural

So actually, in that situation you described, you were stronger than he was. You had the strength to confront him after you KNEW he was lying. He was weak and avoided you.

Yes i felt like i had to confront him. I often wonder how long he would've continued to lie. I just can't wait to feel better about this and stop torturing myself!!

[healingme4me]

I'm not certain how the men will do whatever you allow remark fits your situation, at all? Sometimes people give well intentioned blanket statements when they just have no idea what to say?

I'm really sorry to hear that you got strung along. How long had you dated before discovering the truth?

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[Ladytmt]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I'm not certain how the men will do whatever you allow remark fits your situation, at all? Sometimes people give well intentioned blanket statements when they just have no idea what to say?

I'm really sorry to hear that you got strung along. How long had you dated before discovering the truth?

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Another good point. The person who made the statement acts like "know it all" but i really don't know what her intentions were with that statement. She doesn't even know all of what happened only parts of it so i would like to think that she would not be so judgmental not knowing all of what happened. I know we all have different ways of processing things but with a wound thats still healing i felt it was a little out of place.
We had dated 6 months. I know it doesn't seem long but i had feelings for him but they were obviously based on a lie.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Ladytmt

Another good point. The person who made the statement acts like "know it all" but i really don't know what her intentions were with that statement. She doesn't even know all of what happened only parts of it so i would like to think that she would not be so judgmental not knowing all of what happened. I know we all have different ways of processing things but with a wound thats still healing i felt it was a little out of place.
We had dated 6 months. I know it doesn't seem long but i had feelings for him but they were obviously based on a lie.

that's a significant chunk of time!

Some seem experts at this double life game

Your coworker does sound quick with an insensitive remark. Almost preachy?

How'd he hide it, so well?

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Ladytmt, thank you for posting this. and touche JD! Lets face it, dating sucks, there are a lot of bad apples in the barrel. So you pick yourself up and start over. We ALL make mistakes, and i don't care how old you are! Life is no expection to any of us. Just don't let those remarks take up space in your head. Say you learned from your mistake. And next time have your potential partner a background check on them before you get involved. tc

[Ladytmt]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

that's a significant chunk of time!

Some seem experts at this double life game

Your coworker does sound quick with an insensitive remark. Almost preachy?

How'd he hide it, so well?

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Yes i think he was/is quite the expert at the double life. He's a long distance trucker so its very easy for him to have that type of life. My therapist said he sounds like a sociopath-pathological liar, anger issues,irresponsible, cheating, etc. i found out so much after i confronted him just by digging online mostly facebook. He seems to have a trail of hurt women. He used to tell me his exes were either crazy, cheated on him, or they grew apart...which i now don't believe. He's the common denominator in my opinion.

[Ladytmt]

Originally Posted by omegalamed

Ladytmt, thank you for posting this. and touche JD! Lets face it, dating sucks, there are a lot of bad apples in the barrel. So you pick yourself up and start over. We ALL make mistakes, and i don't care how old you are! Life is no expection to any of us. Just don't let those remarks take up space in your head. Say you learned from your mistake. And next time have your potential partner a background check on them before you get involved. tc

Well sometimes i feel the need to beat myself up for whatever mistake i made which is I really should've snooped for information about him months before i actually did but he had a way with words. I'm tired of feeling this way.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Ladytmt

Yes i think he was/is quite the expert at the double life. He's a long distance trucker so its very easy for him to have that type of life. My therapist said he sounds like a sociopath-pathological liar, anger issues,irresponsible, cheating, etc. i found out so much after i confronted him just by digging online mostly facebook. He seems to have a trail of hurt women. He used to tell me his exes were either crazy, cheated on him, or they grew apart...which i now don't believe. He's the common denominator in my opinion.

one support group, years ago, we discussed red flags. One was how others discuss their exes, when beginning new relationships. One flag was vilifying exes, as if always the victim, never with any contribution. It's one thing to vent in therapy or group, but another when forming a bond with another. I still pay attention, not just to what's said, but how I say it, as well. Because there's usually a gray area. For instance, I definitely classify as a battered woman. Yet, he's the father of my children. My children didn't always witness conversations, texts, nor all the physical. And frankly, it will and does take a lot to get me to truly delve into the details of my experience. I'd rather be empowered than the need to be rescued maiden, if that makes sense?
I bring this up, to point out flags and what to look for when truly listening to a new interest.



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[healingme4me]

About your post that posted as I wrote my response.

Sometimes, it's necessary to listen to your gut. Something knawed at you enough to research him.

In your case, something supported that. If you'd turned up nothing, then something else was missing in your relationship that needed exploration. I cannot think exactly what the missing need would be precisely off the top of my head. Certainly a therapy worthy topic as you recover from this guy.

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[Ladytmt]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

About your post that posted as I wrote my response.

Sometimes, it's necessary to listen to your gut. Something knawed at you enough to research him.

In your case, something supported that. If you'd turned up nothing, then something else was missing in your relationship that needed exploration. I cannot think exactly what the missing need would be precisely off the top of my head. Certainly a therapy worthy topic as you recover from this guy.

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I started to notice his actions were not matching his words. So i explored and i found, then i confronted him

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Ladytmt

Well sometimes i feel the need to beat myself up for whatever mistake i made which is I really should've snooped for information about him months before i actually did but he had a way with words. I'm tired of feeling this way.

Originally Posted by Ladytmt

I started to notice his actions were not matching his words. So i explored and i found, then i confronted him

No need to feel guilt. I understand how that is, however. It's taboo territory to snoop on others and when in a relationship there runs the risk of being accused of being insecure. Insecurities don't form in a vacuum. And of course, the trust dissolved, as well. Which isn't a great place to build a solid foundation. So that fact gives a feeling of inner conflict. Perhaps it goes against the grains of your own internal integrity? Or something, at the very least, taught not to do in a relationship.

Was discovering the Truth, really a mistake?

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[Ladytmt]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

No need to feel guilt. I understand how that is, however. It's taboo territory to snoop on others and when in a relationship there runs the risk of being accused of being insecure. Insecurities don't form in a vacuum. And of course, the trust dissolved, as well. Which isn't a great place to build a solid foundation. So that fact gives a feeling of inner conflict. Perhaps it goes against the grains of your own internal integrity? Or something, at the very least, taught not to do in a relationship.

Was discovering the Truth, really a mistake?

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No, I'm not saying it was a mistake. I also don't think i was insecure if i was that I would've always been accusing him of something and I didn't do any of that so i'm not sure how you came up with insecure. Like i said i started to notice his actions not matching his words so i explored, found photos of him and another woman and her kids, and confronted him. I wouldn't have confronted him without proof. He lied about very simple things like whereabouts. I had a feeling something wasn't right so i had a right to try to see why i had that feeling. He was lying and i almost feel like you're saying I shouldn't have snooped and should've ignored it. So i should've let him continue to lie!??? The only thing i feel bad about is not finding out about him and this fiance sooner.he was lying from day one because he wasn't single from day one

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Ladytmt

No, I'm not saying it was a mistake. I also don't think i was insecure if i was that I would've always been accusing him of something and I didn't do any of that so i'm not sure how you came up with insecure. Like i said i started to notice his actions not matching his words so i explored, found photos of him and another woman and her kids, and confronted him. I wouldn't have confronted him without proof. He lied about very simple things like whereabouts. I had a feeling something wasn't right so i had a right to try to see why i had that feeling. He was lying and i almost feel like you're saying I shouldn't have snooped and should've ignored it. So i should've let him continue to lie!??? The only thing i feel bad about is not finding out about him and this fiance sooner.he was lying from day one because he wasn't single from day one

That's not the point I'm making at all. You were certainly betrayed, of course you don't want to feel that way. I misunderstood your meaning about not wanting to 'feel this way', I could have asked and avoided upsetting you. I'm sorry for not asking. I've personally been attacked by outsiders, like the woman at your work for not blindly trusting when there was someone else in a sense. Accused of those things that I mentioned. It's a game these people play, that's all.

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[Ladytmt]

Also i never met his family or friends i knew some names but never met them. He always said he was working-even on holidays, didn't spend enough time with me, etc. i think this are all valid indicators that something wasn't right and has nothing to do with me being insecure or not trusting

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by Ladytmt

Also i never met his family or friends i knew some names but never met them. He always said he was working-even on holidays, didn't spend enough time with me, etc. i think this are all valid indicators that something wasn't right and has nothing to do with me being insecure or not trusting

Exactly.

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[Ladytmt]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

That's not the point I'm making at all. You were certainly betrayed, of course you don't want to feel that way. I misunderstood your meaning about not wanting to 'feel this way', I could have asked and avoided upsetting you. I'm sorry for not asking. I've personally been attacked by outsiders, like the woman at your work for not blindly trusting when there was someone else in a sense. Accused of those things that I mentioned. It's a game these people play, that's all.

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No problem!!!!

[TishaBuv]

I'm sorry you were involved with a real creep and your co-worker rubbed salt in the wound. It wasn't your fault at all, he lied to you.

If I were single I would definitely google the name of anyone I would date, and honestly, I would make them show me a credit report before I agreed to marry them. I don't care if someone would think that's insecure or untrusting. It's information that is easily, readily available and we all must protect ourselves. Better safe than sorry. They're welcome to get the same info about me.

[Ladytmt]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

I'm sorry you were involved with a real creep and your co-worker rubbed salt in the wound. It wasn't your fault at all, he lied to you.

If I were single I would definitely google the name of anyone I would date, and honestly, I would make them show me a credit report before I agreed to marry them. I don't care if someone would think that's insecure or untrusting. It's information that is easily, readily available and we all must protect ourselves. Better safe than sorry. They're welcome to get the same info about me.

I agree. I'm the type that doesn't want to confront unless i have proof. And seeing as to how he lied with no second thought about everything he would have lied with or without proof. As for the co-worker i'm just gonna start not talking personal stuff around her. Funny how she could say that as to try to make me feel stupid in some way but yet she will ask me work related questions!!!! If she thinks i suck in my personal life why the hell would she ask me anything that has to do with work!??? She also has 3 daughters so i wonder if she will tell them that when someone lies to them!!!