[baseline]

I don't know where to put this so I apologize in advance. I am angry, so angry it is painful. I should be telling this to my T but I just can't put it into cohesive thoughts. I get so angry because of the memories becoming apparent and the rage I feel for being unloved and insignificant are forcing me to act out in unhealthy ways. I don't feel like I matter/ed .I let people use me, harm me, physically, mentally, and sexually because I feel I need to be punished and I crave being wanted/loved. When I was a child showing my emotions led to punishment. As an adult when my emotions are out of control I want to numb them. I have used booze, food, and pills which have help in the past but I am ashamed to say there is a new way I want to be numb/ punished. I let it happen and then after I feel so sad and disgusting that I would degrade myself for some attention or control. I know in my heart I am loved but my head won't allow me to accept or believe it. I feel empty and scared most of the time and this shames me also. I don't know why I am writing this. Does anyone understand this? Can any one relate? How do I stop the thoughts. I have no problem being loving or affectionate, but I don't get it in return unless I am useful.

[Open Eyes]

YES, a lot of other members understand and can relate. Others can even understand the inability of sharing with their T. It's good that you found some place to express these deep challenging feelings. It can be very difficult to put the reasons for these deep emotional challenges into a cohesive picture that can be articulated. Also, often individuals refrain from doing so because these individuals do not want to get a reply that tells them "not" to have these feelings or to "just".

[emijec]

Originally Posted by baseline

I don't know where to put this so I apologize in advance. I am angry, so angry it is painful. I should be telling this to my T but I just can't put it into cohesive thoughts. I get so angry because of the memories becoming apparent and the rage I feel for being unloved and insignificant are forcing me to act out in unhealthy ways. I don't feel like I matter/ed .I let people use me, harm me, physically, mentally, and sexually because I feel I need to be punished and I crave being wanted/loved. When I was a child showing my emotions led to punishment. As an adult when my emotions are out of control I want to numb them. I have used booze, food, and pills which have help in the past but I am ashamed to say there is a new way I want to be numb/ punished. I let it happen and then after I feel so sad and disgusting that I would degrade myself for some attention or control. I know in my heart I am loved but my head won't allow me to accept or believe it. I feel empty and scared most of the time and this shames me also. I don't know why I am writing this. Does anyone understand this? Can any one relate? How do I stop the thoughts. I have no problem being loving or affectionate, but I don't get it in return unless I am useful.

you want to love and be loved, and you wear your heart on your sleeve which is why you give so much and bad people take advantage of it. then when you do and they throw you around and treat like crap you feel bad for "allowing it to happen",then you protect yourself from pouring your heart out so you become closed, and then it starts all over again and so you self medicate to deal with this vicious cycle. right ?

[baseline]

Originally Posted by emijec

you want to love and be loved, and you wear your heart on your sleeve which is why you give so much and bad people take advantage of it. then when you do and they throw you around and treat like crap you feel bad for "allowing it to happen",then you protect yourself from pouring your heart out so you become closed, and then it starts all over again and so you self medicate to deal with this vicious cycle. right ?

YES, why can't I say it? admit it? thank you for putting it clearly.

[Crazy Hitch]

((((((((((((Base)))))))))))))))

I am so sorry you are going through so much pain

You would not be alone in some things you mentioned.

I battle to feel worthy of being loved (and go so far as to question whether my kids love me on some days when my thoughts get that bad ... which of course they do). Being aware of these negative thoughts is the first step. I sometimes find when these negative thoughts enter my mind ... the more I wish them away the worst they become. I rather acknowledge they are there, will pop in my head from time to time and don't try force them away in the moment otherwise it just prolongs their stay.

I think that by being aware of your behaviours which may not be helpful to you in the long run, but have been developed because of extreme circumstances you have had to endure could be the starting point for the platform for change. As hard as it is, my personal opinion is, you need to discuss this with your T. You have a great deal of insight into what is going on right now. Your T can help you with slowly beginning to implement alternative strategies that might not be as harmful to your mental health.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((( Baseline ))))))))))

[CrimsonSigmaRick]

You're a human being worthy of being loved, as we all are. I used to constantly put myself on the line for others, and I kept getting screwed over for it. I realized that I had to find the middle ground between love and self-preservation in order for things to work out for me..

I don't know EXACTLY what your story is, but maybe you could apply that principle and see how it changes your outlook over time.

[baseline]

Originally Posted by CrimsonSigmaRick

You're a human being worthy of being loved, as we all are. I used to constantly put myself on the line for others, and I kept getting screwed over for it. I realized that I had to find the middle ground between love and self-preservation in order for things to work out for me..

I don't know EXACTLY what your story is, but maybe you could apply that principle and see how it changes your outlook over time.

Thank You Crimson,I am trying hard to do just that. Everytime I establish boundaries with my siblings and mother. They find a way tomato me feel bad. For example mom tells sis I am pulling away Sis calls and tells me. Then mom gets sick or hurt and even needier. Its like extortion. It is hard not to let it effect me. It so bad I am afraid every time my phone rings. When I try to explain to them how I am feeling they say I am unreasonable or oversensitive. My therapist is trying to help. I hope things are working out. Maybe u could give me an idea how you make it work? thank u

[unaluna]

You can do it by taking a break. Its doctors orders. Its your health or hers. After a few months (or years), when you have built up your psychological strength, you can try resuming a different relationship. You dont have to be the better person, a saint really, and keep putting up with their weird abusive ego games.

[Gus1234U]

also, get an answering machine, or message box, if you use cell, and don't ever answer one of their calls in person~!

[KristenRenee]

Originally Posted by baseline

I don't know where to put this so I apologize in advance. I am angry, so angry it is painful. I should be telling this to my T but I just can't put it into cohesive thoughts. I get so angry because of the memories becoming apparent and the rage I feel for being unloved and insignificant are forcing me to act out in unhealthy ways. I don't feel like I matter/ed .I let people use me, harm me, physically, mentally, and sexually because I feel I need to be punished and I crave being wanted/loved. When I was a child showing my emotions led to punishment. As an adult when my emotions are out of control I want to numb them. I have used booze, food, and pills which have help in the past but I am ashamed to say there is a new way I want to be numb/ punished. I let it happen and then after I feel so sad and disgusting that I would degrade myself for some attention or control. I know in my heart I am loved but my head won't allow me to accept or believe it. I feel empty and scared most of the time and this shames me also. I don't know why I am writing this. Does anyone understand this? Can any one relate? How do I stop the thoughts. I have no problem being loving or affectionate, but I don't get it in return unless I am useful.

Hi there. I can totally feel your pain and emotions. I have the same ones and use the same things to numb them. The shame, guilt and remorse eat me alive. I know there is help for us, but sometimes we feel so down and weak it hurts to even think of the energy it will take to try something new. Good luck to you.

[BrazenApogee]

Originally Posted by unaluna

You can do it by taking a break. Its doctors orders. Its your health or hers. After a few months (or years), when you have built up your psychological strength, you can try resuming a different relationship. You dont have to be the better person, a saint really, and keep putting up with their weird abusive ego games.

I second this. Taking care of you is important and setting boundaries will help the relationships in the long run. I've had to completely step away from a whole group of people. It's hard and sometimes lonely, but i'm creating a new me, a safer place, and I am feeling better.

[baseline]

Originally Posted by BrazenApogee

I second this. Taking care of you is important and setting boundaries will help the relationships in the long run. I've had to completely step away from a whole group of people. It's hard and sometimes lonely, but i'm creating a new me, a safer place, and I am feeling better.

The phone is constantly ringing. I can't talk I am so emotionally drained. My mom told the neighbor she feels neglected. Now her neighbor calls me. She knows it's not true because she knows what I do for her. I spent all day with her .did her shopping listened to her complain listen to her asking why would I have any reason to be stressed and finally telling me she would Die soon. How can I feel joy knowing how miserable she is. My siblings are no better because all they want to do is dump on me so I will do more. I am not answering the phone I can not. Then I come home to a husband who feels slighted. I can't please anyone. I am rambling I am sorry. I'm so tired there is nothing left of me to give. I try to hold on for my kids

[BrazenApogee]

Rambling is ok. I don't have all the answers. I don't think anyone does. I do know doing something for yourself is important. Even if it's just a few minutes, a walk or something you enjoy. You are not doing disservice to anyone by filling back up the drained parts of yourself or saying no when you need to. We all need to do these things sometimes. I hope you find the peace you need.

[Marylin]

Baseline,Put distance between yourself and your mum and sister.They are emotional vampires and are feeding off you making you out to be the problem and overpowering you to keep control of you which to them you are their fix,their emotional food.Don't let them use you and pretend you are the problem when the truth is they are the ones making you ill!
Find others that can meet YOUR needs and reestablish the boundaries between you and your mum and sister and don't let them make you give in to them ever again.Your health will improve,believe me I have done it and so can you.

[baseline]

Originally Posted by Marylin

Baseline,Put distance between yourself and your mum and sister.They are emotional vampires and are feeding off you making you out to be the problem and overpowering you to keep control of you which to them you are their fix,their emotional food.Don't let them use you and pretend you are the problem when the truth is they are the ones making you ill!
Find others that can meet YOUR needs and reestablish the boundaries between you and your mum and sister and don't let them make you give in to them ever again.Your health will improve,believe me I have done it and so can you.

Marilyn I am sad to say my husband is just like them and now that I am standing up for myself He grows more distant. Punitive with silence and passive aggression. I have told him to please lets seek treatment together. So I feel alone in my own home and with my mom and siblings. All other family is overseas. I thank God that I have loving friends but I can only share so much because I fear becoming a burden or being abandoned. Thanks for listening to me. What you say make sense I am trying to maintain boundaries and feel less guilty. I am working with T. sOME DAYS it overwhelming and ALL i can do is go inward. Thanks Hun.

[Marylin]

Baseline you are doing so well to maintain boundaries.I know how hard it is with mum and sister and with hubby too!If hubby refuses counseling well then still keep setting boundaries with him and maintaining it,eventually you will reap the benefits and he will respect you more.The relationship will either grow or fail.If hubby is a narcissist you are much better off without him anyway.Emotional vampires operate in relationships by feeding off your vulnerabilities and they only like having power over you, if they aren't in control and you aren't trusting them and accepting you are the problem and not their abusive behavior they get angry and more violent emotionally,they play mind games too.Do what you must to protect and save yourself.My abuser was my sister she pretended to love me to make me leave everything in my will to my niece,then she tried to drive me to suicide and caused arguments hoping the stress would make me have a fatal heart attack!Look after yourself please!