Trouble Managing Emotions

I don't know if this will be beneficial, but I feel I need to talk to someone about some struggles I'm having with my emotions...

I have always been a sensitive person. I was raised by a single father who ran a tight ship and had no tolerance for my sensitivity. He reacted harshly to any mistakes/misbehavior and discouraged talking about emotions. He was a great dad, but it always made me jumpy whenever I knew I might get in trouble, because the reaction always seemed to be more severe than the crime itself (never to the degree of abuse, but being so sensitive, aggressive reprimands were just as severe a blow). As I've grown older, I've found myself unable to cope with the anxiety that arises whenever I make a mistake, whether it be at work or within my relationships. I immediately become extremely apologetic, ashamed, and often will lie to cover up my mistakes even when they are minor and inadvertant. When confronted regarding these mistakes, even if approached kindly, I experience extreme anxiety. I've never been able to get a handle on my self-worth and have always felt that if I do not behave perfectly in every aspect of my life, I am therefor a failure and have no purpose being involved in the situation, whether it be a job or a relationship. These feelings/moods can last for weeks. I realize on an intellectual level that these feelings are too extreme, inappropriate to the situations, and are having a significant negative impact on my ability to succeed at work, and my ability to maintain healthy relationships. My husband is constantly frustrated by "dramatic reactions" and I have a hard time being around people at all due to my anxieties and shame. This became so severe that I sunk into alcoholism for several years, hiding from my emotions, and now that I am free (for about a year and half now) from the grips of alcohol, my guilt and sensitivity has worsened significantly. I found an author who was significantly appealing to my intellectual and emotional needs, until I stumbled upon a concept I'd never heard of before: he said that being overly sensitive is a subtle, passive form of domestic violence, that it holds other people hostage to what they can say and do around you. This startled me and has lit a fire under me to get a better grip on my emotions, but also has only made me feel worse about my inability to do so.

It is incredibly frustrating to understand these emotions on an intellectual basis, but finding myself unable to manage the emotions when they arise. Does anyone have some tips on how they learned to manage these extreme emotions and live a normal life? I am tired of jumping from job to job every time I make a mistake because of my overwhelming guilt and shame. I'm tired of being unable to have a constructive conversation when criticized, and extremely tired of feeling worthless all the time. I have talked to a life coach and a couple counselors, but I can't afford the kind of in-depth therapy I need. I am saving my pennies to do that, but I could really use some help getting by in the meantime. Thank you for any input you may have.

Hello treevoice: Well... the Skeezyks' personal perspective is that the guy who said being sensitive is a form of domestic abuse is just peddling a bunch of slop. God save us from these sorts of self-appointed "experts"! This is only making you feel even worse about yourself than you already did...

Years ago I attended a partial hospital program where they said: "Don't should on yourself." "I should be able to do this..." & "I should be able to do that..." "I'm not enough of this..." & "I'm not enough of that..." From the Skeezyks' perspective the first & most important thing here is to simply accept yourself just as you are. Until you can do that, all of the self-improvement tricks in the world won't help much.

Now having written that there certainly are things you can do to help reduce your overall level of anxiety. I'm sure you've heard all of this many times before: get enough sleep, exercise, practice meditation, avoid stimulants (caffeine).

The Skeezyks has a lot of the same problems you describe. There's a Buddhist practice I employ called: "compassionate abiding". The practice involves allowing difficult & challenging thoughts & emotions to come up, "leaning into" them as they say (paying attention to them, focusing on them), & breathing into them. One can smile to them & even place a hand over the heart as a sign of lovingkindness & compassion for them. They have no power beyond what one cedes them. After a few moments, one can then drop the "story line" (the narrative about who did what to whom or why it is that I'm such an awful person... blah... blah... blah...) & then simply stay with the raw emotion (fear, anxiety, self-hatred, etc.) that lies underneath allowing it to fade at its own pace.

Two things result from this practice. First, practiced over time, the difficult thoughts & emotions tend to gradually lose their power & subside. It takes time. But it does happen. The second benefit, though, (& perhaps the more important one) is that one learns one can stay with difficult, challenging emotions & thoughts & still maintain one's balance... one's equanimity... We don't have to fall apart every time something goes wrong.

I know how difficult this must be for you. I've struggled with the same sorts of problems my entire life. Hopefully you will be able to get the therapy you need. I wish you well...

You seem to have a good handle on the source of those emotions. Thus over time, they will fade as you heal. Therapy can help, look for creative ways to seek cheaper therapy. Remember, there is no quick fix.

I have found that DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) has many great ways to deal with these issues. DBT can be done within one-to-one therapy, in a group, or on one's own, using the many workbooks out there. Go on Amazon.com and type in DBT in search and it will bring up a variety of workbooks you can order. Good Luck.

Any CBT is better than nothing,pennyless....Just waiting on the reply that says no or is an excuse...

Totally agree with you.

Knowing you are sensitive because your father was hard on you when you made a mistake can help you now.

Just remind yourself when you get that anxiety reaction.Remind yourself you are not having to please your father anymore and he isn't there now to come down hard on you or react aggressively to what he thought was a wrong move on your part.

Remind yourself your father was not right about what he did back then and he is not the final word on things anymore.

You can make mistakes, we do not have to be punished for our mistakes or punish ourselves because our parents disapproved of us in the past.

Keep reminding yourself of this and be kind to yourself at those crucial times when you do get it wrong and remind yourself you are not actually at fault or done anything wrong,you are just used to condemnation for mistakes which we all make by virtue of being human.

And everything The Skeezey says is spot on good advice.

I definitely do not agree that being sensitive is a form of domestic violence,that is utter tosh.

Another thing you can overcome being sensitive I was sensitive for years after being bullied for years.

When you heal from the emotional pain of being picked on or criticized you also harden up and the sensitivity goes,so don't despair you will overcome this!

I wish you all the best and to recover from this anxiety and fear.I send you love and hugs to dissolve the fear.Marylinx

Thank you to everyone who responded. I appreciate all of your advice, especially those who referenced specific fields of therapy that may be of help. I understand that this is a complex issue that will probably require a complete re-wiring of my thought processes, which is daunting. I think the scariest part for me is feeling like there is something fundamentally wrong with me. It's weird to try to think about this in terms of "healing", since healing implies there was first a wound, and I genuinely think this is just who I am. I don't recall another, healthy me to return to. And that can make me feel hopeless--like my whole personality is just fundamentally wrong. But I'm trying to have faith there's a healthy girl in here somewhere just waiting for a path to the surface. Thank you thank you. <3

Hi there. I really appreciated your post. It made me think of my situation. My father was very hard on me, not abusive but I wasn't allowed to make mistakes and was condemned if I did so. My parents did nothing to encourage or help my self esteem. I have never felt good about myself since I was a child. In fact, my mother always told me" You can't do one thing right" I think I internalized this and still feel that I can't do anything right. I have really made some awful mistakes and messed up my life. My family loves to remind me of this also. Especially my youngest son. Right now my emotions are out of control and I don't want to face them. So I cope in an unhealthy way by drinking and using. But that is getting intolerable too. It only makes things worse. I have been reading a few posts on this site about learning to accept yourself for who you are. My therapist just told me the same thing last week and I was mad at her for it. I thought she was just casting me off and not really helping me. But now that I read the same advice and suggestions here I guess she is right. The thing about it is, I don't accept myself and I don't know how to. But I wanted to say good luck to you and I wish you well.

KristenRenee--

Thank you so much for your response. I sincerely hope you are able to find some peace. I'm not sure that I am the greatest person to be giving advice since I haven't quite been able to deal with my own junk, but I can tell you that (at least in my experience) quitting substance abuse (however long and grueling and painful an ordeal that was) changed everything for me. Maybe it's okay to not accept yourself if who you are is not acceptable to you. But we should examine what /is/ acceptable to us, and not let other people tell us what is acceptable. We may just need to be reminded of our inherent worth as human beings--accept that first--and then change the things that can be changed, not because we are "unacceptable" if we don't change, but because we can be better and we owe that to ourselves--not to anyone else. We are the only ones who have to live with ourselves. I wish you the most sincere best on your journey. <3