A Confessiion...maybe I should just go away...

Since I have come on Psych Central 16 months ago I feel my situation has deteriorated. I am disappointed that everything I have tried in terms of holistic healing hasn't worked.

I think I don't belong on Psych Central anymore. Although there is a social aspect of being on here and so many people here are wonderful...I have really most of all wanted to heal and improve my life and move on. I wanted information from Psych Central and in many ways I have received a wonderful education here. I can't take psych medication because I am allergic to it, and I have stopped benzodiazepines because my health provider will no longer dispense them to me.

Because of being alone and unemployed I am depressed and inactive a lot of the time. I don't have a pet. I tend to ruminate about my life and I only see the negative. That is sad because I have had some wonderful life experiences but they are all overshadowed by this present situation.

I feel I am weak mentally and physically.

I don't feel like I should come on to Psych Central and repeat the same thing over and over. It is boring.

Dechan are there any E.A. (emotions anonomys) groups to go to? They are a 12 step program for anyone. I felt better going when I had alot of stress and was among others.
You don't have to be alone and do it all yourself.

Dechan....I really feel for you as I have followed you ups and downs and your confidence and your despair and everything in between...

My situation was not as bad as yours is. However, your mental state is very familiar to me.

I though it would pass. I thought if I could just hang on another week, another month, another year, then I would be who I was before.
But I couldn't. I simply couldn't.

I wish I knew the answer. Or any part of an answer. It all seems so very unjust at this point in our lives...
People here are supportive, but they cannot truly help due to their own difficulties. A lot of the time in the depression section, all we can do is commiserate and sometimes that does more harm, I think....it's just sad to see so many people hurting..

This thought must go unfinished as I am in a bad way myself, but can we talk about what resources can help you? Can we try?

Not in my area. Meditation groups are big where I live and there are tons of groups...but I got tired of group meditation.

Thank you for replying when you yourself are struggling. I have also followed your ups and downs.

I feel it is a bit unfair to keep coming on Psych Central and posting when I don't see any lasting change.

I have really thrown myself into recovery options.

In a way I feel kind of cheated. I constantly research and every time I read something it promises lasting change. Like how someone completely cured their depression with vitamins or exercise.

I think maybe soon I would be labeled as treatment resistant and they would offer ECT and I would not go there.

Just as someone who has observed your posts over the past few months, I feel like you throw yourself into something and then if it doesn't work in a few weeks you abandon it and throw yourself into something else.

I am unsure how someone can be allergic to every single antidepressant? With someone whose depression is as longstanding as yours, medication is your ticket to a more normal life.

Vitamins and exercise aren't going to cure you. Neither will spiritual work or therapy unless you change your thinking pattern.

A way to get out of ruminating about yourself is to help someone by volunteering at a shelter or even Meals on Wheels. Having your attention on someone else and being able to help in a small way make someone else's life better immediately will make yours better.

Thank you for your comments. I don't know what I have abandoned in the way of recovery. I have been doing DBT for over a year and started CBT again and am doing that. Just because I don't report in every post about something doesn't mean I have abandoned it. You could be more specific. I consistently take care of my physical health. I have engaged a counselor who does phone visits.

Medications aren't for everyone and that should be respected. I respect that others use psych medications because they feel it helps them.

Psych Central is for support. I think you may be out of line saying something like an antidepressant is my ticket to freedom. Are you a doctor? Mental Health Care professional? I am pretty sure telling a member that they should be on medication is going against community forum guidelines.

Some people are definitely allergic to antidepressants. They are potent drugs (I will refrain from saying poison. Ooops. I said it) and no one can even say exactly how they work. Clinical trials have proven that other things are as effective as medication.

Some people have something called treatment resistant depression. Maybe I am one of those people.

Someone with mental health problems should never never never volunteer at a place like a shelter. I was a volunteer/advocate for homeless veterans for 20 years and I would say a shelter is probably the most depressing place in the world. Even the homeless themselves hate it and they absolute hate do-gooder know it all volunteers trying to project codependent vibes. I taught meditation for years at shelters. That meant go in for an hour, teach, and leave. Shelters don't need depressed volunteers hanging out.

People with depression should not volunteer as a kind of treatment for their problems. That is just wrong.

Anyway, you have probably not read my posts all that much because I said I have taken steps to again volunteer with therapy horses in the spring and summer. It gives me motivation to improve. It is not a way to improve.

You belong here! It's not your fault for feeling the way you do and, to me, you are free to vent here as much as you want. That's what this forum is for, right? However, if you think this site is preventing you from improving or something similar, that's another story. Whatever you decide to do, I respect your choice. Even though I will miss you if you leave.

Social connections can really help alleviate symptoms of depression. Doing some kind of meaningful activity at least once a week (to start) could also help. Is there anything that you would like to try but never had the chance?

If you want to volunteer there are a lot more opportunities besides volunteering at hospitals, shelters, nursing homes and the like. There are a lot of organizations that actually make a difference in people's lives. E.g., adult literacy programs, Habitat for Humanity

I know you tried working and that didn't go well. I never got the impression the outcome was your fault. The job wasn't a good fit. This may surprise you but most entry level (food, retail, customer service, etc.) jobs are not one-size-fits-all. There is no such job. A lot of people are not suited for that type of work. I'm one of those people. I tried twice and failed miserably. I found success in a skilled trade. If you plan to look for work in the future, there are definitely other options out there.

Please don't give up.

Dechan I know it's frustrating when it feels like you are going round in circles, and you are trying so hard that your energy levels are taken up by it all - it's exhausting.

If you feel like posting here is not helpful for you then that's okay, and although many of us would miss you on a personal level we would understand and want you to do what is right for you. However you did write you thought it was 'unfair' posting here, and there is a bit of me that wonders if you worry about being a burden? If that is the case then please challenge that thought. Many of us have relapses, we get 'stuck', and this is one place it should always be okay to talk through that if we need to and it helps us. So please make sure that decision is for the right reasons.

Holy moly I know I get downright fed up with myself sometimes, I exhaust my own patience quicker than other peoples thankfully.

I'll shut up now, but know that we are here for you how and when you need us.

Besides enduring a lot of trauma in your youth (being bullied by your family) you have neither an income or a good support system--I think you should be proud of yourself for not giving up, soldiering on.

Your posts are not boring!

Some of us have certain tendencies which will be with us for the rest of our life. Just when we think we have conquered the demon, a little stress comes along and the old familiar patterns (coping mechanisms) repeat again and again. Sometimes when we change our environment and friends that can help but sometimes it is hard to get an enviroment that is healing (the perfect job, family, etc.) As far as going in circles goes, here is an example: my H and I had a big fight on Monday and Tuesday. At the end of it, we could help but notice that the underlying themes in our fights have not changed for 30 years! Unless I get rid him and find another--our fights are going to be like this until death do us part!

Hi. I don't understand the medication thing but that is your choice I realise. If I haven't supported this it is out of my own frustration.

Would this qualify as treatment resistant depression? Have you explored other routes available? I have recently encouraged a few other posters to talk to their psychiatrists about them. Yes, some are in fact invasive. They however are available to us because they work. In my own case ETC gave me my life back. TMS is becoming more mainstream and isn't such an invasive therapy (except for your investment of time).

Psych Central is wonderful. It is not Psych Central. I just feel like I am coming on and posting a lot but not improving. Of course, maybe I am improving but my depression is telling me otherwise. I am sorry if I said things in a way that indicated Psych Central is the problem. No, that isn't the case at all. If you look at my friends list you will see how much I appreciate everyone. Each friend I have listed is someone with whom I have had a very meaningful exchange. I miss people when they go. Maybe I just need a break.

Thank you. That last job situation just increased my depression but I have to get back out there. I really appreciate your comments about the job not being one-size-fits-all. I have never done well in service industry type jobs. You are absolutely right. I kind of set myself up for failure. Thank you again for your comments about this!

I did say in one of my responses on this thread that I have contacted my former horse teacher and have taken steps to again volunteer as a trainer with therapy horses this spring or summer.

Also, except for the work with the horses I have not found volunteer jobs that social as environments. Horse people happen to be extremely social so yes, working at a barn or with therapy horses is in a pretty social environment.

I really need to apply for more jobs to take my mind off my personal problems.

Hmm. That is interesting about the fights being the same for 30 years. My friend complains because her husband is messy and throws his clothes on the chair instead of hanging them up. Well, let's see, I was her maid of honor at the wedding and I think she started complaining about him being messy within a month. She has been repeating this same complaint to me for decades. I always think well the guy doesn't cheat or drink or waste money but she complains about this one thing like it was a deal breaker.

When I am stressed and depressed I isolate which is absolutely the worst thing. When they fired me from this last job I was wild with despair not because of the money (although yes, that) but because I knew it would throw me back into isolation.

I am not normally introverted except when stressed. You comments were really wise and smart. And insightful. Thank you so much~ I appreciate your time and thoughts.

Thanks and nice to hear from you, prefab, and hope all is well in your world.

I don't think I should come on here and whine and complain and kind of abuse the privilege of being a member here, when my situation does not seem to be improving. I am just very frustrated and as you pointed out totally totally totally exhausted.

I hope your back has gotten better (back sprains take so long to heal!) and that those idiots at your work have figured out your vacation time. Oh, and that you are sailing along now on your new bike. It all comes back, doesn't it? You do inspire me to get out on my bike. There is so much I could do to help myself besides wallowing in the mire.

What is TMS? The magnetic thing? It isn't covered by insurance.

We cannot pretend that psych medications are not a loaded subject. And as well there are endless negatives expressed about them by the same people who take them.

I am not going to take any medication with the potential of making my situation worse. In face the last psych medication forced on me for 10 days introduced suicidal ideation. Before that I did not have suicidal ideation.

There are people on here who do not have a psychiatrist to discuss anything with. I had an assessment done by a psychiatrist last fall with my own money. He would not give me a diagnosis or medication. He said I needed to find a counselor to help with coping skills.

I emailed him again in December to tell him I was experiencing suicidal ideation. He wrote back and again said I just needed coping skills and to find a counselor. I did and have started CBT.

I don't know...maybe ECT would help. The problem is I do not have the money for it, it is not covered by my insurance so like I am broke and unemployed and am going to take on thousands of dollars in medical debt? I think not. And as well, I would simply not do it. There are way too many negative outcomes balanced against a few who say it saved their life.

Like I said, maybe I don't belong on Psych Central. I need a job, money, a social circle, to volunteer with the horses, and to forget about my stupid destructive family of origin.

I have to stop coming on here whining and complaining while not improving my life.

Thank you for your comments. I have always enjoyed your strong comments about CBT and have taken joy in the fact you are blossoming creatively. Take care and stay well.