I always feel it is too late to do things or to correct the course of my life, which makes me feel (more) depressed. Today I was trying to read something to update my knowledge in my field, and the idea of all the people who are of my age and even younger than me who are doing better already in life passed in my mind. I felt so down that I couldn't read a word. I feel my energy's level and motivation, and thus my life and situation, are getting worse and worse. I am not so optimistic about my life, but this is what I deserve for someone who is not sociable or motivated to do anything.

And yet to others you have achieved so much - it's all relative.

I do comparisons when I am not happy, it makes me even unhappier - comparisons are not helpful. Maybe it would help if you look at areas where you have done better, to balance it out. Your PHD. Being a great uncle to your neices and nephews.

I have advanced degrees, but this isn't enough. I don't view this as accomplishments, because I am not happy. I know people with less education but more successful and happier because they have the motivation to excel in life, and the strength to be warriors. I have no energy and motivation, and people can sense that. I feel like I have given up in the life arena. Life has always been a struggle for me, but recently I have felt that I lost the fight. I am just waiting the results to be announced from the top of the buildings. People tend to hire and engage with others who are sociable and energetic. My degrees have no values if I don't pursue things and be energetic and optimistic in life and sociable with others. I am literally a walking dead.

[avlady]

i feel for you. i feel like you alot and worry about wasting time by worrying. I recentley signed up to go to school too finish 4 clases in sept-dec for my bachelors degree. I am scared about the technology of it as its online. oh well don't want to dwell on it until i cross that bridge!!!

[wolfgaze]

Mr. S, as far as the Universe is concerned, there is no such thing as the notion of 'too late'... You are right where you're supposed to be at this very moment... Did you know that many individuals who have had Near-Death Experiences have reported experiencing a special & enhanced state of being (state of awareness) in which 'time' (as our physical minds imagined it to be) has ceased to exist? A state of timelessness... Take a few minutes to contemplate the implications of this and how it can affect your current perception of these earthly circumstances...

As a general rule, the more we consciously identify with these physical bodies and the more we root our sense of self and our existence in this temporary human experience which is rife with ever-changing conditions - the more likely we are to feel troubled by our life experiences and to create inner turmoil for ourselves. In this context, you are experiencing the perception that you only had a finite amount of time to 'prove' yourself and to live up to whatever subjective expectations or standards you have identified with - is that accurate? And you also feel like you should be comparing your life experience to those of others, yes? And is the tendency to engage in the latter practice a reflection of deeper-rooted feelings of inadequacy, of not being 'good enough' or measuring up to the perceived 'worth' of others around you?

I know that simply reading this won't change anything but the way out of this is to continue to find ways and to dedicate time & conscious energy to expanding your current state of awareness... Not easy to do I know, but nothing of great value comes easy... The further you expand your state of awareness, the broader your perception gets - and this will ultimately serve to literally pull you out of the mental states which are causing you suffering....

You referred to yourself as 'The Walking Dead' in one of your posts. Strangely enough, there is an aspect of the human experience whereby an individual goes through the experience of feeling like he/she has 'died' inside, only to eventually realize that such a painful and challenging internal state was actually necessary in order to pave the way for one's higher nature (identity) and authentic 'self' could break through and fill the vacancy left by your departing and old sense of identity. The old and limited identity (sense of self) gets replaced with something much that was previously obscured and which is much greater and profound... Yes I absolutely know how unpleasant it is to feel 'dead' inside (I've been there), however I want you to know that this sense of having lost yourself (and your old identity) - that there is a higher purpose behind going through such a state...

You can't revert back to an old/former state of being. You cannot recreate the 'old you'. They key to moving forward and navigating your way through this present 'challenge' that presents itself is to gradually relinquish (let go of) your former conscious identifications, attachments, and thought patterns - the ones which are now contributing to your inner-turmoil and which are now outdated and no longer serve your higher interests... Again this ties into the process of expanding & broadening your state of awareness - because as you accomplish this you will find yourself naturally doing & experiencing what is alluded to just above. Imagine you found yourself experiencing a state of being where you were free from any need to compare yourself to the lives & experiences of others? Imagine you found yourself experience a state of being where you were no longer harshly judging and criticizing yourself for not living up to some imagined standard or expectation that was held in your mind? How would you feel if you were to find yourself freed from those thought-patterns which previously contributed to so much inner-turmoil for you? Like a significant weight and burden had been lifted off your shoulders, right?

You can bring yourself to experience such a state of being... One which will last and not relent... You can absolutely attain this for yourself - what will be required of you is intention, effort, and patience... Hard work isn't so daunting when you are aware that it will pay off and lead to something extremely important and valuable. In this context, the reward is securing your peace of mind, which is priceless...

All what you said is right, but not easy, at all. It is not easy when society around you judges people by definite steps of progress according to age. It is not easy for me to see all my school peers are more successful than me. Why do you think I wanted to read? I want to progress, and do better in life, but I couldn't make myself do it because the idea that I am behind is so depressing. I know it is better late than never, but it is painful to see others of my age and younger enjoying life, and already did what I am still trying to do. If I had the option, I would choose to vanish and disappear right now over living this life. Saying that feeling dead is necessary to find oneself is true, only if you find yourself. Not all people find themselves. I have been in this state for years, and my situation is getting worse by the day, which is a bad indication. I know it is my thought process, but I am weaker than going against it. Mentally and emotionally I am so weak. I am crippled by my negative emotions and thoughts.

[wolfgaze]

Originally Posted by Mr. Stranger

All what you said is right, but not easy, at all. It is not easy when society around you judges people by definite steps of progress according to age. It is not easy for me to see all my school peers are more successful than me. Why do you think I wanted to read? I want to progress, and do better in life, but I couldn't make myself do it because the idea that I am behind is so depressing. I know it is better late than never, but it is painful to see others of my age and younger enjoying life, and already did what I am still trying to do. If I had the option, I would choose to vanish and disappear right now over living this life. Saying that feeling dead is necessary to find oneself is true, only if you find yourself. Not all people find themselves. I have been in this state for years, and my situation is getting worse by the day, which is a bad indication. I know it is my thought process, but I am weaker than going against it. Mentally and emotionally I am so weak. I am crippled by my negative emotions and thoughts.

Hello again Mr. S... Yes, "not easy at all" - but that doesn't mean that it cannot be accomplished by you... It's doable, friend! I had experienced a lot of mental turmoil and hardship/suffering throughout much of my adolescence and young adulthood. So much so that I eventually became very numb and didn't want to live anymore - just wanted this life to be done and over with... I cannot tell you that I knew how to bring myself out of that state of being - I didn't! I didn't have any advanced knowledge or foresight about how to help myself. I just felt 'stuck' and helpless - which maybe you can relate to feeling. But let me tell you this. There comes a time where an individual reaches a point where he/she has finally had ENOUGH of thinking, feeling, and perceiving in a certain manner... It's like a breaking point that is reached, or a critical turning point where your consciousness simply cannot continue to identify with those former thoughts/feelings/perceptions that you had become so accustomed to, anymore! In many ways this type of 'shift' is analogous to when a person with a strong addiction hits 'rock bottom' - and then something changes inside them and their thinking and perceiving starts to change and become more clear... They begin realizing how to help themsevles and how to bring about their own healing. This is the best way I can describe the experience... So the fact that you've told me that you've been in this state for years is not a 'negative' as far as I'm concerned. Sometimes that course of events and experience is what's necessary for you to eventually reach the point where you begin to let go of the old and start pushing yourself in a new direction and into previously uncharted territory... This was certainly the case for me...

It takes time & some serious inner-work to undo all of the conditioning that your physical mind has been exposed to from the time of birth up until now - conditioning both from society at large, from everyone you've ever been around, and conditioning that has been self-inflicted. I know it's not easy, and even the thought-patterns that really drag us down and cause us suffering are hard to let go of and release - because they had become so ingrained and feel so strong & real... But again, you can move beyond these conditioned ways of thinking/perceiving... You can....

Listen, I am 35 years old... I used to work in a soul-crushing corporate environment (for 6 years).... During that time period I found myself going through an internal transformation that was playing out within me. For a few years my company began doing mass layoffs and eventually my number was called. After this happened I ended up taking several years off and not working (I had the means to support myself)... I just needed to unplug myself from the societal grind and focus on what I personally felt was important (to me)... I can tell you that I am experiencing a state where I don't feel any compulsion or inclination to compare myself to whatever my friends/peers are doing at this age. Sure there are people out there who will judge me for not working a noteworthy career and for not pursuing money & material wealth - but that is only due to their own unquestioned conditioning and more limited state of awareness... It's their loss if they judge me over something so trivial and shallow.... How others judge you is not a reflection of your true self-worth.... I'm going to be starting a new job soon and I'll be making considerably less money than I had been at my old corporate job... But you know what? I'm going to be doing something that I actually care about and something that can contribute to the physical/mental health of others... I honestly don't care about anyone else's opinions or judgements about how much money I make, or what I am doing for a living... You have to be true to yourself and not true to the societal conditioning that does not bear good fruits in our society... I guess what I am trying to convey to you here is that if I can experience a state of being where I am free from the urge to compare myself to my peers and free from the compulsion to judge myself based on my career/income/social status - then you can bring yourself to experience such a state of being too! It's available to you and waiting for you to realize it...

You indicated that you are 'crippled' by your negative emotions and thoughts. There is the awareness that these negative emotions and thoughts are not serving your best interests - they are not contributing to your well-being. But they are so ingrained and you are so consciously-identified with them - that have become fused with your 'sense of self' and it's not clear how to break that identification and let them go so that you can free yourself from the burden they have caused you .... Right?

In the past, have you explored self-help type books much? Have you ever come across a text that really spoke to you on a deeper level and in turn ended up having a profound influence on your life? There is a book which had this impact on me and one which is directly relevant to the 'challenge' of overcoming being strongly identified with the physical mind and the debilitating thoughts it often fuels ... It's called The Power Of Now (Eckhart Tolle)... Have you heard of it, have you read it? Would you consider exploring a text based on a recommendation from a stranger?

Lastly (I almost forgot)... Do you want to know what I realized truly matters and what has lasting significance and real value? It's not your degrees, it's not your career or profession, it's not how much money you have in the bank or how many material possessions you acquire... It's the quality of your state of consciousness that holds all the value. That is the only thing we will be able to take with us when we inevitably end up leaving 'here'. By 'quality of your consciousness' I mean your ability and capacity to exemplify the various virtues (love, empathy, compassion, kindness, genorosity, selflessness, forgiveness, etc...) - to varying degrees. This is what has lasting significance and holds the true value... This is where our focus should be... I mean who really cares how many degrees or how much money a person has if that person does not exemplify a nature & character that is worthy of your appreciation and respect? Would you rather be surrounded by individuals who have attained a lot of 'worldly success' but are severely lacking in their ability to embody those important virtues - or would you rather be surounded by individuals who earn your appreciation and respect by the very qualities that they exemplify and which stem from their authentic nature & state of consciousness.? Think about it... You know the answer.... I'd rather spend my time around a compassionate/understanding/empathetic/kind homeless man than a successful business man who is significantly lacking in those qualities and is preoccupied and fixated on things like acquiring wealth & social status... Who would you rather be around when it comes to how others make you feel in their presence? I think you have to eventually arrive at the realization that you are placing a lot of emphasis & importance on elements of this life experience which are not truly important in the grand scheme of the Universe... Things which have no lasting & staying power beyond this limited & temporary human experience. The Universe (which you are an integral part of) does not care how many degrees you earn, the Universe doesn't care how much money you earn or whether or not you secured a 'prestigious' job... Try to read some articles about the most common 'wishes/regrets' of those who are terminally ill. No one says they wished they worked longer hours and that they wished they had earned more money and acquired more material possessions. The increased clarity and enhanced awareness that surfaces for many individuals as they are nearing/approaching physical 'death' is something that you shouldn't wait to experience - you can begin integrating and internalizing it right now while you are physically alive! This is one of the means by which you can and will liberate yourself. The more time and conscious energy you can spend in deep self-reflection and contemplation - the more you will pull yourself out of and go ABOVE (transcend) your current limiting mindset and ways of thinking/perceiving which have been burdening you...

"Let a man realize that his life, in its totality, proceeds from his mind, and that that mind is a combination of habits which he can, by patient effort, modify to any extent, and over which he can thus gain complete ascendancy and control, and he has at once obtained possession of the key which shall open the door to his complete emancipation. But emancipation from the ills of life (which are the ills of one’s mind) is a matter of steady growth from within, and not a sudden acquisition from without."

~ James Allen

With Respect,
~wolfgaze

Thanks for your reply. The first thing came to my mind after reading your post is "I am almost 35 years old, and I need light years before I get to the point where I can talk like this person and have his mentality, who seems to have passed through this much earlier than me, and has found the answer, which confirms my original point that I am late in life and a failure". I know you are trying to talk me out of this way of thinking, but it just happens. I couldn't help it.

I mean who really cares how many degrees or how much money a person has if that person does not exemplify a nature & character that is worthy of your appreciation and respect? Would you rather be surrounded by individuals who have attained a lot of 'worldly success' but are severely lacking in their ability to embody those important virtues - or would you rather be surounded by individuals who earn your appreciation and respect by the very qualities that they exemplify and which stem from their authentic nature & state of consciousness.?

In my other thread "Worthless", I mentioned how worthless my degrees are because of my flawed character and lack of sociability with people. I don't know how to connect with people. Of course I'd rather be around authentic people who respect me and appreciate me because of my true character, not because of my degrees and possessions. This thread "Too Late" is a small slice of the whole story. My problem is not education or jobs or money, but character. I have no character, that is why I don't have the respect of anyone, including my parents and family. Everyone treats me like a trash, at best by negligence.

I used to read self-help books, and I actually started to read the book you mentioned. Now to be honest, I am not a spiritual guy as your writings indicate, so, words like the Universe of God don't resonate with me. I read some books like "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" for Stephen Covey and "The Power of Self-Discipline" for Brian Tracy. They are about building character before anything else. Although I felt good reading them, they didn't change anything in my thought process. I continued to do what I have always done, and thus continued to be the same person I have always been.

I feel I have no purpose in this life. I am lost. I don't care about degrees and money. If you read all my posts you would know that. I care to have respect and appreciation from others as you mentioned. Not because of money, but because of who I really am. I have the highest degrees and my financial situation is not bad, yet I have no respect or appreciation from anyone, which makes me very depressed. I totally agree with you about the material stuff and what people say on their death beds. Money and jobs are means to life. I know people with less education and less money and have more respect than I do. They have friends. Girls like to talk to them ... etc. I am just a piece of paper called a degree because my father defined my worth with education and money. He was/is very wrong about this. I am paying the price of this. Now I am trying to fix this by re-learning socializing again as if I were a 12 years old boy. This is the point of my post. I haven't grown emotionally and mentally. I have just grown physically in age.

Thank you again

Would you say on here you are communicating with authentic people? People who respect and appreciate you? I would say you are - and to a great extent (some people cannot do that, even online they have trouble communicating).

I see that as an indicator that you are capable of what you wish to be - you have anxiety around real life social contact, but from everything you write the person you are inside has all this potential.

[gypped]

Does it make you feel even a little better to know that I am almost 45 years old, and I haven't achieved nearly as much as you have? In my eyes, you are far more successful than I could ever be!
I don't have any college degrees, and I have a job that a monkey could do just as well.
When I was young, I felt like I would eventually "fall into" a profession, and that I had time to decide what I wanted to do. Then twenty years went by in the blink of an eye, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up!
You had the courage and determination that I never had. I admire you!

You and me both gypped, I have never had the courage and determination that Mr.Stranger so obviously has too. I do admire your pluck and tenacity Mr.S.

[Sunflower123]

Mr. Stranger I'm new to your situation but are you seeing a therapist or pdoc? You sound like you're having an exceptionally tough time. You've gotten some excellent advice here but sound too lost inside to take it. I was just wondering if medication or a change of medication could help you. You're not being fair to yourself. It sounds like you are comparing yourself to people who don't have your diagnosis. It's not a level playing field. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Thinking of you....