[tevelygo]

I had very bad endings to two relationships last year (one was a friend, and the other one was a romantic interest+friend). I made sure I burnt every bridge because I definitely did not wish to continue any relationship with them after the things they'd done.

It helped in terms of getting rid of some negative/toxic input.

I'm however finding that I never got past some incredible anger inside me since then. And since then, every time I run into people who abuse my good intentions, this anger increases.

What do I do with it?

[TheDunce]

Tevelygo, I understand how you're feeling, I think. I also had a friend I had to get out of my life.

I was already struggling with depression because of emotional/verbal abuse on a job where my physical disabilities were exacerbated. I was slowly beginning to heal when this old friend came back into my life. She lied to me, used me, and took from me after I tried to help her.

Now I'm so angry at my old co-workers again and can't get over the anger toward my old friend. As my health continues to deteriorate, I often think, "what if she was still around?" How miserable would she make my life?

I have stopped trusting people. It's made me feel lonely and angry. Some people say just to brush it off. That's not so easy to do.

Do you have a counselor you can talk to? Someone who will offer support? I've been looking for a good counselor and just started taking an antidepressant.

[tevelygo]

Originally Posted by TheDunce

Tevelygo, I understand how you're feeling, I think. I also had a friend I had to get out of my life.

I was already struggling with depression because of emotional/verbal abuse on a job where my physical disabilities were exacerbated. I was slowly beginning to heal when this old friend came back into my life. She lied to me, used me, and took from me after I tried to help her.

Now I'm so angry at my old co-workers again and can't get over the anger toward my old friend. As my health continues to deteriorate, I often think, "what if she was still around?" How miserable would she make my life?

I have stopped trusting people. It's made me feel lonely and angry. Some people say just to brush it off. That's not so easy to do.

Yeah I feel for you.

Do you have a counselor you can talk to? Someone who will offer support? I've been looking for a good counselor and just started taking an antidepressant.

I have no idea what kind of support can be offered...? I've been to several counselors, the one before the last one (last one is very fresh) I did like to talk with so I stayed with her for over a year, but I just didn't really see how it was helping. OK, she helped me analyze some mental states and that helped me a bit, I guess. But on the whole it was all rather intellectual, because I intellectualize naturally, though she tried to make me focus more on feelings. I just think I fail in that area. And I did need way more help in that area but it doesn't seem trivial for counselors to figure out how to give me that help. I'm alexithymic, so yeah that explains it...

Good luck to you though with finding a good counselor!

[tevelygo]

Any suggestions on what to do with this?

Hi Tevelygo. That is interesting about alexithymia. Mainly, because I'd never heard of it before! I myself have not always been connected to my own thoughts and feelings in the past and therefore didn't identify them correctly. I think that's what a counselor is for though. To help, really, in any way. Therapists have many different personalities, and who knows, maybe you'll find one you will click with more. You said you didn't see how therapy was helping...but a good counselor will help you through your anger with this issue and give you tools to help yourself. I say consider finding another counselor. Maybe even just for short term.

When you say "since then, every time I run into people who abuse my good intentions, this anger increases" do you mean when you run into the people who have hurt you? Or just anybody who happens to take advantage of you?

Regardless, I'm sorry you were hurt and experiencing the after effects of it. I know what it is like to feel anger and other negative emotions around an unresolved issue. I don't really have an answer per se, as to how you can overcome it. I can tell you what I know though and what has helped me, a person who has...not exactly resolved all their issues, but who's heart still beats and who survived people being hurtful and coming out with the "shorter stick," in arguments of oneupmanship.

1.) Write about it. Write about it as if you were going to publish it into a personal essay in a book. Tell your story.
2.) While you are writing your story, ask yourself how you want your story to continue or end. How do you WANT to live your life? Then find ways to do that.
3.) I do not recommend trying to hurt the other people who have been hurtful to you. There are many reasons for this but the reasons I can think of is: a.) it's immature and hypocritical (i.e. "you hurt me, so I hurt you"), b.) it could blow up in your face and you could end up more hurt.
Edit: It does kind of sound like you already did this, by burning bridges. I don't know though. And so I'm editing my comment here. I hope you do not feel judged by my #3. Its not meant to be judgmental. Just advice from what I personally go by.
4.) Write, again. All your negative emotions about it and them, and how they hurt you and behaved and how pissed you are about it. Maybe even write them a letter. Don't send it. Burn it. It's a way of letting go, I have been told, though I've never actually tried this one.
5.) Google is your friend. Google: "How to let go of anger." I think a lot of things come up.
6.) Distractions help. What are some things you enjoy? Do them.
7.) I have found that exercise really helps put me in a better mood. Even just walking, which is what I do a lot of the time. It burns off my negative emotions. It puts me in a better mood.

Best wishes to you.

[BLUEDOVE]

Try following book: "Act on Life not on Anger." It's a new way
of looking at things and yourself,and the anger. Really worth it.
Courage,
BLUEDOVE

[tevelygo]

Originally Posted by starrysky

Hi Tevelygo. That is interesting about alexithymia. Mainly, because I'd never heard of it before! I myself have not always been connected to my own thoughts and feelings in the past and therefore didn't identify them correctly.

My biggest problem is to even get feelings coming up, identification also will literally take months for each new one though. Sometimes years.

The anger though, that is identifiable for sure lol...

I think that's what a counselor is for though. To help, really, in any way. Therapists have many different personalities, and who knows, maybe you'll find one you will click with more. You said you didn't see how therapy was helping...but a good counselor will help you through your anger with this issue and give you tools to help yourself. I say consider finding another counselor. Maybe even just for short term.

Just to be sure to be clear, I do have another counselor atm, that's very fresh like I said (in parentheses so maybe it was harder to notice this note).

The previous one was a good counselor and I did like talking with her, we clicked well. I just don't think my alexithymia can be helped unless the counselor is specifically trained for that but does that kind of training even exist?

When you say "since then, every time I run into people who abuse my good intentions, this anger increases" do you mean when you run into the people who have hurt you? Or just anybody who happens to take advantage of you?

Mainly people who get emotional and/or biased at me when I did not mean any harm and they will not even hear me out about that. Even if I already admit my own fault in the issue, if any, and want to solve it.

People who are irresponsible. People whose word can't be taken seriously.

Etc.

Regardless, I'm sorry you were hurt and experiencing the after effects of it. I know what it is like to feel anger and other negative emotions around an unresolved issue. I don't really have an answer per se, as to how you can overcome it. I can tell you what I know though and what has helped me, a person who has...not exactly resolved all their issues, but who's heart still beats and who survived people being hurtful and coming out with the "shorter stick," in arguments of oneupmanship.

Arguments would be fine totally, that would help with the anger for smaller issues, but this is a much bigger issue here, need a real solution instead of just arguing. (Btw, I would prefer it to be a justified argument anyway. One that does lead somewhere in the end. Some constructive direction eventually.) And I wanted to be all correct and fair and reasonable for too long. And I find that just doesn't work because then I get this anger that can't go anywhere else.

1.) Write about it. Write about it as if you were going to publish it into a personal essay in a book. Tell your story.
2.) While you are writing your story, ask yourself how you want your story to continue or end. How do you WANT to live your life? Then find ways to do that.

Thanks - I do know how I want to live my life, the question is, is it feasible.

3.) I do not recommend trying to hurt the other people who have been hurtful to you. There are many reasons for this but the reasons I can think of is: a.) it's immature and hypocritical (i.e. "you hurt me, so I hurt you"), b.) it could blow up in your face and you could end up more hurt.
Edit: It does kind of sound like you already did this, by burning bridges. I don't know though. And so I'm editing my comment here. I hope you do not feel judged by my #3. Its not meant to be judgmental. Just advice from what I personally go by.

Thanks, no worries really.

By burning bridges, I meant that I told them that I will never contact them again and that I do not want them to contact me either.

I don't really have the skills nor the intention or any kind of ability to want to emotionally manipulate to hurt someone. I can tell someone off though if they actually did something wrong, so they see what they did wrong. I did tell off those two people but the things they did were so bad that they got off very lightly with that.

4.) Write, again. All your negative emotions about it and them, and how they hurt you and behaved and how pissed you are about it. Maybe even write them a letter. Don't send it. Burn it. It's a way of letting go, I have been told, though I've never actually tried this one.

Thanks, I just don't think I know how to let go this way. If I think or talk of these things more, I just get more angry.

5.) Google is your friend. Google: "How to let go of anger." I think a lot of things come up.
6.) Distractions help. What are some things you enjoy? Do them.
7.) I have found that exercise really helps put me in a better mood. Even just walking, which is what I do a lot of the time. It burns off my negative emotions. It puts me in a better mood.

I train 6 times a week, it doesn't really burn off this anger. Distractions don't help resolve it.
But yeah, I will def google more.

Best wishes to you.

Thanks again! I hope you don't mind that I added my comments for your advice list. It was a nice long list.

I'm thinking, my issue is really that no matter how much I try to look at it positively or whatever, that just makes it worse. It makes the anger go more unconscious and more split from rationality and consciousness and makes it more dangerous/less controllable when it does surface again. Or it can turn inwards and then I get suicidal.

Like today... I just got someone else today to **** around. They promised something important and then suddenly quit on their word. A family member at that, too. End result? I first tried to reason really calmly, I sent them an email. Then a bit later, I just suddenly had this crazy upset thing where I ran out to the street from my apartment, yelling constantly. Then it turned into an image of seeing myself about to jump in front of a car and I viscerally felt the ability to actually commit the action. I've never before felt it this viscerally! ...I mean, I could feel the determination directly. Not just simply being impulsively upset in the moment but determination for action.

So, I don't think that route works for me. I don't know what does.

[tevelygo]

Originally Posted by BLUEDOVE

Try following book: "Act on Life not on Anger." It's a new way
of looking at things and yourself,and the anger. Really worth it.
Courage,
BLUEDOVE

Thanks, going to look at it. Btw, based on the sound of it, I actually had that intention before: go on, go for a good life, leave bs behind. But my experience is that that makes the anger split from conscious rationality just more and makes it more uncontrollable when it does come out later again.

(Like I described in my previous post above this one)

[tevelygo]

I do realize some people will always act ****, and that's not news to me but I think because of those two "ex-friends" (and now this family member) I somehow have different emotional reactions now to all of it from other people too. Like, not just plain annoyance, or some kind of "normal" anger, but this different kind of very bad anger. And with this family member this anger (either inward or outward turned) of course reacts stronger because this isn't just a random person again.

I just don't know what exactly changed or why or what to do with that.

It's like... I took it more personally than ever before. It's like my trust was directly abused in a way never before. Etc.

Does that make sense? Can anyone help with some input on this? I can't analyze this further atm, I'm still bad at seeing feelings.

[tevelygo]

I mean, how do you get past that? Trust being abused in a whole new/severe way? Do you even get past it?

Originally Posted by tevelygo

I mean, how do you get past that? Trust being abused in a whole new/severe way? Do you even get past it?

That's a good question. Is it a newer wound? I think that what you said "do you even get past it?" has some value and truth to it. I myself still have yet to get over two things happening in 2016. Sometimes, in my experience, you learn to manage it and deal with it, but it's an experience that will always be with you. I think your anger and negative feelings about it will go down though.

Thanks for clearing up any questions I'd had in your response to me. Yeah I missed seeing that you are actually in therapy now.

I have been hurt (and betrayed) before too. You're not alone. I do see there being hope beyond the dark clouds you're feeling now. If I think of anything else, I will come back here and mention it. Buddhism and meditation have been big influences in my life. If you have any interest in it, let me know. There's a book called "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron that you might find beneficial.

[tevelygo]

Originally Posted by starrysky

That's a good question. Is it a newer wound? I think that what you said "do you even get past it?" has some value and truth to it. I myself still have yet to get over two things happening in 2016. Sometimes, in my experience, you learn to manage it and deal with it, but it's an experience that will always be with you. I think your anger and negative feelings about it will go down though.

Any idea how long before the anger/other negativity even STARTS to go down?

Are you feeling much better since 2016? (I hope so.)

Thanks for clearing up any questions I'd had in your response to me. Yeah I missed seeing that you are actually in therapy now.

No worries!

I have been hurt (and betrayed) before too. You're not alone. I do see there being hope beyond the dark clouds you're feeling now. If I think of anything else, I will come back here and mention it. Buddhism and meditation have been big influences in my life. If you have any interest in it, let me know. There's a book called "When Things Fall Apart" by Pema Chodron that you might find beneficial.

Thanks for the kind words and the recommendation.

I've downloaded the book now, looking this sentence caught my eye: "To stay with that shakiness - to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge - that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic - this is the spiritual path."

I already know how to relax very well if I decide I need to. (No, I don't do meditation practices. I just know how to calm my body without much of a tool. But this only works with issues that are not people related. That's (not people stuff) where I'm alright with being calm in the midst of chaos. Because I have a way to find the steps to take to solve the issue.

With people no idea for that...

[tevelygo]

Originally Posted by BLUEDOVE

Try following book: "Act on Life not on Anger." It's a new way
of looking at things and yourself,and the anger. Really worth it.
Courage,
BLUEDOVE

Is the ACT thing that your quoted book's title refers to this one? https://contextualscience.org/files/...up%20FINAL.pdf

Originally Posted by tevelygo

Any idea how long before the anger/other negativity even STARTS to go down?

Are you feeling much better since 2016? (I hope so.)

I think its different for everybody, the length of time.

And yes I DO feel better! It is still a bad memory. But it is a manageable one.

ps: by telling these people you don't want them in your life, etc, I think you did the right thing! You set a necessary boundary.

I think that with that book, it can really be applied to any kind of negative emotion regardless of if the situation has people in it or not. I hope it helps.

[tevelygo]

Originally Posted by starrysky

I think its different for everybody, the length of time.

And yes I DO feel better! It is still a bad memory. But it is a manageable one.

ps: by telling these people you don't want them in your life, etc, I think you did the right thing! You set a necessary boundary.

Glad you feel better. I'm still curious how long it took you... a year?

I think that with that book, it can really be applied to any kind of negative emotion regardless of if the situation has people in it or not. I hope it helps.

Yeah, the thing is I would have to change my entire outlook on things. I would have to stop caring about things like justice and fair behaviour to avoid judging people's behaviour and treatment towards me (and towards others, too), and instead be all calm and mindful and accepting. I'm not trying to argue with you BTW, just thinking aloud about why this doesn't seem to work for me with people.

I might've misunderstood the idea with these ideas in the book though... Feel free to correct me if it's not like that. Just currently it doesn't compute for me: finding fairness important yet staying calm and unaffected if someone does bad treatment?

Originally Posted by tevelygo

Yeah, the thing is I would have to change my entire outlook on things. I would have to stop caring about things like justice and fair behaviour to avoid judging people's behaviour and treatment towards me (and towards others, too), and instead be all calm and mindful and accepting. I'm not trying to argue with you BTW, just thinking aloud about why this doesn't seem to work for me with people.

I might've misunderstood the idea with these ideas in the book though... Feel free to correct me if it's not like that. Just currently it doesn't compute for me: finding fairness important yet staying calm and unaffected if someone does bad treatment?

I think can see what you mean. If I am in a totally upset mood, and someone has hurt me, and that's why I'm upset, I don't want to be all forgiving and compassionate and accepting of the situation. I don't think you have to stop caring about justice. But if its not helping, don't read it. I have had to put those books down before sometimes. And I've always had a hard time understanding certain buddhist concepts even though I personally have found it more helpful than harmful. Its not everyone's cup of tea though. I think you're thinking of stoicism actually. Buddhism...from what I've experienced from it, accepts that people get angry and pissed and hurt. Its what you do with it, I guess. I will honestly tell you, I don't call myself a buddhist. I was just offering something that helped me. It doesn't mean it will necessarily help everyone.

As far as talking about my own pain and issues, I'm not really comfortable with doing that. Sorry. I think the main thing I want to tell you is that it will get better and emotions don't last. Even when you experience anger, is goes away. It comes back. It goes away. You don't have to be ok with it. And that's ok. (and the pain from being deeply hurt does lessen with time) Sorry if that's not what you want to hear or if its not helpful. Thats pretty much all I've got.

[tevelygo]

Originally Posted by starrysky

I think can see what you mean. If I am in a totally upset mood, and someone has hurt me, and that's why I'm upset, I don't want to be all forgiving and compassionate and accepting of the situation. I don't think you have to stop caring about justice. But if its not helping, don't read it. I have had to put those books down before sometimes. And I've always had a hard time understanding certain buddhist concepts even though I personally have found it more helpful than harmful. Its not everyone's cup of tea though. I think you're thinking of stoicism actually. Buddhism...from what I've experienced from it, accepts that people get angry and pissed and hurt. Its what you do with it, I guess. I will honestly tell you, I don't call myself a buddhist. I was just offering something that helped me. It doesn't mean it will necessarily help everyone.

As far as talking about my own pain and issues, I'm not really comfortable with doing that. Sorry. I think the main thing I want to tell you is that it will get better and emotions don't last. Even when you experience anger, is goes away. It comes back. It goes away. You don't have to be ok with it. And that's ok. (and the pain from being deeply hurt does lessen with time) Sorry if that's not what you want to hear or if its not helpful. Thats pretty much all I've got.

Oh I wasn't trying to make you talk about your issues. I was just curious about the timeframe, no details.

I know emotions don't necessarily last in the moment but if you (=me) start to react more and more strongly to things over time, that's a problem.

Anyway... I'll see if there is anything I can use from the book.