When I struggle I'm always alone. It's a choice and I like it because it makes me strong and makes me grow a lot. However, I have so much anger in those moments... you wouldn't believe... I'm like I want to kill the world... I look at everyone as if they were my enemy... anyone in similar situation has any idea how to cool it down for my own sake?

[KBMK]

This is how my brother is right now. He says he needs to be alone because of his anger. I don't know there is anything I can do, or what he is doing to make it better, it seems to get worse the longer he is alone and fueling it by researching about conspiracies, and forming ever darker theories. I almost got him to laugh yesterday, but not quite.
I get very very angry at times. Not like I want to kill, but like I want to turn everything upside down.
I pray, and write. I have started writing with both hands since I listened to John Bradshaw's Homecoming. It helped with my anger (which was bottled for years and years).
Hypno was the first thing that really helped (I was really too scared to face my own anger before I had hypnotherapy).
I don't know how you'll do it, but I hope you can find a safe way of unbottling it

Originally Posted by KBMK

I almost got him to laugh yesterday, but not quite.

How? I mean you told a joke to an angry guy and it worked?

[KBMK]

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

How? I mean you told a joke to an angry guy and it worked?

I just put em up like Scrappy-Doo and sez "I'll av ya if you want a fight, bring it on." He wasn't in the worst mood, cause we'd just been moving some furniture. He's only really positively responsive to helping other people with manual tasks once in a while.
He had a smirk, and said "I would, it's not personal I just want to fight everyone."
Had a hug too. He's pushed nearly everyone away, and I'm not sure if his partner is supporting him any more, or if she's become hyper-critical. It breaks my heart seeing him that way, cause I've been there myself and I know it's scary. We've had a nightmare growing up, and a the last few years especially. It isn't two years since he found our dad passed away unexpectedly, and there's loads of rubbish to sort through, and work out.

When's the last time something made you laugh?

Originally Posted by KBMK

When's the last time something made you laugh?

Few months ago? Actually your line made me smile. I'm a writer, so it's easy for me to picture the situation. I liked it a lot

I have this system that whenever I'm working on a story I distance myself from the world and I go in deep… like a workaholic. Just me and my insane quality standards. Then when I get stuck (which always happens) I wake up in this dark hole and I feel so miserable... after a while it actually ends up pushing me and I find the way, so it's great, but I must do something with that anger that bursts out of me in the process.

[MickeyCheeky]

What about finding some ways to relieve Your anger? Some yoga or relaxation techniques may Help. Perhaps buying a punching bag as Well. SEnding many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH You, @MisterPaul, Your Family, Your FriEnds And ALL of Your Loved Ones! Keep fighting And keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, Ok?!

[KBMK]

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

Few months ago? Actually your line made me smile. I'm a writer, so it's easy for me to picture the situation. I liked it a lot

I have this system that whenever I'm working on a story I distance myself from the world and I go in deep… like a workaholic. Just me and my insane quality standards. Then when I get stuck (which always happens) I wake up in this dark hole and I feel so miserable... after a while it actually ends up pushing me and I find the way, so it's great, but I must do something with that anger that bursts out of me in the process.

It sounds like a process I am quite familiar with. I find with writing I'm exploring concepts and possibilities. If there are big things that make you angry, maybe you can explore all the ways these things could be righted, but accepting powerlessness to change certain things in reality can mournful.
It might be easier to stay angry than it is to grieve. Life's hard, especially if you have a lot of anger and grief to process. There are't any short cuts. You have to express it somehow, or it does just burst out. Hypno can make it much easier to manage though. If you're worried about extreme outbursts, and getting in touch with your sense of humour can make EVERYTHING easier!

[mote.of.soul]

Hey @MisterPaul,

I can absolutely relate to having many times (and there will be more times, I know that) of very deep anger - a wishing for the annihilation of the human race (but not the animals, they can stay.) It's exactly as you say - 'as if everyone were my enemy' - and that's actually a mindset I have always just below the surface anyway. But the anger side of it, the hateful state, is a very woeful state to fall into, very painful, yes. I don't like it because, in my case, it lasts too long, until I start entertaining ideas of departing the world once and for all. I appreciate your post because you're the first person I've read on here to talk about that kind of anger.

The only things that work for me in 'cooling it down' are the solitude and to constantly focus on letting it go. All the while distracting myself with things I find interesting on the internet, and then finally sleep. After that I awaken and I'm back to my normal 'happy' self.

[KBMK]

I got mad as hell today, actually had to scream and shout a bit (into thin air, cause it wouldn't have done any good directing it at the cause of it )
Have just started winding down, after feeling shaky/jumpy/twitchy all day. I have a little song that actually cheers me up a bit...

Jesus Christ Louiseus
Give me strength
You do bestow upon us
The power of forgiveness
Jesus Christ Louiseus...an repeat

[MsLady]

Have you ever questioned where the anger is coming from? Are there specific triggers?

Originally Posted by MsLady

Have you ever questioned where the anger is coming from? Are there specific triggers?

Envy combined with specific frame of mind. It says: "I work my ***** off and I'm alone because I have no time for people and that guy (a random friend for example) dates that girl and walks around as if he owns the world while he's doing very little compared to me".

I know, rationally, that it's about choices. And there is a price to be paid on both sides.

He's chasing around girls but the price is some average job he has.
I'm chasing career dreams and I get great results, proceeding towards something very special. The price is being alone.

I'm aware of it, rationally... doesn't change much though.

[Open Eyes]

Given what you have shared, you were bullied and led to believe you were less than. You have decided to prove them wrong and are putting in a lot of effort to make financial gains for yourself. Yet, because of your history you can't really let anyone in because it's the very thing that had hurt you when you were not able to understand and better deal with it.

You have always hated those who seem to have it easy and tend to get things handed to them. It's very possible you want them to feel the fragile you felt so long ago and tend to still carry within you.

[Whero]

Don't bottle it out. Just let go of all your problems.

[KBMK]

Originally Posted by Whero

Don't bottle it out. Just let go of all your problems.

How would you go about doing that? I feel like I've let go of loads of stuff, but it takes a lot to express anger, and to do that safely.
Are you saying to let it out, or to stop being angry?

[KBMK]

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

Envy combined with specific frame of mind. It says: "I work my ***** off and I'm alone because I have no time for people and that guy (a random friend for example) dates that girl and walks around as if he owns the world while he's doing very little compared to me".

I know, rationally, that it's about choices. And there is a price to be paid on both sides.

He's chasing around girls but the price is some average job he has.
I'm chasing career dreams and I get great results, proceeding towards something very special. The price is being alone.

I'm aware of it, rationally... doesn't change much though.

Are these random people reminding you of someone?
I didn't realize how much anger I had at my mother, and myself until I got into therapy. People do stuff that triggers me all the time.
That guy could be working hard to have a happy life, or he could be really exploitative, and just taking what he can get with no care for the consequences. If he's just a random guy though... it's a shame that it's getting to you.
Thing is, if someone in the past has used you, and effectively stolen from you, it's not going to help you taking from someone else.
I hope that makes sense.
It's good you're having career success

[Prycejosh1987]

Not everyone is the same, we cannot blame many for the few.

There is quite a lot behind my fears. Long story short I think the bottom line is that I've been missing out on social life for quite too long. I've been that weirdo with no social skills, the weak one you could step on whenever you wanted. Guys took advantage of it, firebombing my value for about a decade. The most important decade in person's personal development, unfortunately. Home situation made it even worse..

Now because of it men who show any sings strength or masculinity trigger me. I have to show them/people around that I’m one step higher. 95% of times I get it done but what life is that?

It’s like a drug, a temporary pleasure. I trust no one and I open up to no one because they wouldn’t get it and they would perceive me as weak. So even when I have some intimate encounters it’s more like an acting competition… that’s what f…. annoys me.

[Open Eyes]

When you were young and working on having your own identity, others kept picking on you and that affected your sense of self. So you have been trying to prove you can be better than others. Yet, you have built up walls at the same time because you never want to be hurt by being vulnerable again like you were hurt when you were younger.

The problem with needing to constantly be better than is that it never really fixes that deep vulnerable part in you that you are always protecting. That part that wanted to connect and be accepted but for some reason was shunned and bullied or encouraged to "feel" inadequate in some way.

This other guy that is not as successful as you but shows a contentment and can attract women is someone that makes you jealous. That's because there is a very deep part of you that wanted that years ago.

At one point you "came out" here and said "I am NPD, and I am that bad guy". But that's not true, instead you are that "deeply hurt guy" that got hurt and did not deserve it and did not know how to stop it from happening. You protect your deep narcissistic injury because you HATE being vulnerable. It makes you ANGRY and you use that to fuel you to go forward. Anger fills someone with adreneline and they can become somewhat addicted to tapping onto that anger so they get filled with adreneline.

[Open Eyes]

Just out of curiosity how to you get when you drink alcohol?

Thank you for your input. Very accurate, I agree 100%.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Just out of curiosity how to you get when you drink alcohol?

That’s a great question. I gave up drinking because I used to drop my guard very often and I had few incidents when I’d try to open up to people and just talk through my social deficit.and, well… one time I got laughed in my face and the other time a friend of mine genuinely told me that I shouldn’t be “such a pus…… y”. How lovely, no?

I didn’t have any opportunity to hit them hard yet but I keep them close and I bide my time. We’re still friends because I can do much more damage from the inside. That’s the “bad guy vibe” I was talking about in my little NPD confession.

[Open Eyes]

I read an article recently where they are doing a study on how alcohol affects the brain. What they have learned is that when someone is under the influence their "true" character comes out because alcohol slows down the frontal executive part of the brain that we use to make decisions with.

So what happened when you drank is it allowed that vulnerable part to come out in you and you ended up getting picked on. That's awful but the positive is that because of that you will not use alcohol as a crutch or coping mechanism.

The individuals that are MEAN drunks tend to start out relaxed but end up getting meaner the more they consume. This lets out that deep angry part that a person tries to control when they are sober. This mean and even abusive part that comes out with alcohol use often acts out on anger and articulates the individuals true intensions like a desire to get rid of someone and take over their position. These individuals act out their deep resentments and anger which someone they are relating to can be victimized by.

The key is how alcohol affects the frontal lobe that typically controls that deep inner personality of an individual. What is scary is when a person drinks to the point of blackout which their frontal lobe is severely incapacitated and they can get VERY mean and out of control.

I asked you that question because I wondered if you don't drink because you don't like being sensitive. Your answer proved what I had thought.

[KBMK]

...it makes sense that you describe it as a social deficit, so you're maybe are getting more fearful, envious and angry in social situations. Maybe you're less inclined to feel embarrassed or a little sad perhaps?
I agree with Open Eyes about narccisistic wounding. I learned recently about healthy shame. I was excessively shamed as a child, and for a long time felt almost constant shame/embarrassment as I was super sensitive to it, but it can easily go the other way...that you can switch off from it. I've done that too, for short amounts of time, and got in some stupid situations, and felt all the more defensive afterwards.
I don't know if I'm right to say this, but I think it's kind of usual in friend groups to have a bit of a pecking order, and have a bit of joking at others expense...just so nobody takes themselves way too seriously! Not too much obviously...not to the point of bullying. I don't know whether your friend was mean (he maybe isn't really a friend to you), or if he was trying to make you laugh.
There's no way to know who's really a friend, if you are totally defensive, though.
If a friend said to me "stop being such a *****" and meant it... they're not someone I would open up to. I've got friends that would say way worse just to make me laught though...if I was totally morose I would just appreciate that
Have you ever done any martial arts or self defense classes?

Sometimes I wouldn't know what to say, I had problems with reading social situations etc. Now I'm doing well but sometimes I have to prepare myself... "letting" someone in may require to drop the preparation and... you know what I mean, it's hard to type it down.

Originally Posted by KBMK

Have you ever done any martial arts or self defense classes?

Karate for about a year, why? I'm 6.2 feet, 235 pounds so usually I'm the one they are afraid of if you mean that

[KBMK]

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

Karate for about a year, why? I'm 6.2 feet, 235 pounds so usually I'm the one they are afraid of if you mean that

Who's afraid? Nope, it's more to do with feeling appropriately secure and assertive. A lot of martial arts, and other practices like yoga, tai chi and qigong, help with focus, and accepting your own and other peoples' strengths and weaknesses. You're more likely to be picked on if you're coming across as insecure or aggressive.

Originally Posted by KBMK

Who's afraid?

Everyone who wants to pick a fight with someone. People respect me, I can tell. Things have changed (as I said in the first post) but I don't let anyone come close. That's the issue.