Question about mindfulness for emotions

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Originally Posted by Etcetera1 Did you eventually define what the unbalanced feeling was about? I understand you trusted your gut feeling and then maybe you figured it out only later what it was about, when you were in a more calm, quiet space....? If you did figure it out, if you saw clearly as to what specifically caused it, I'd be interested. I am interested in general about this kind of stuff - feelings like this in relationships - is why I am asking, as I naturally learn best through examples. Thanks much if you can say more on it.

Yes, I figured it out. It was his subtle way of trying to manipulate information, constantly put me on guard instead of feeling OK about messaging with him. Also we had different values. He came across as tolerating them but in reality would throw in subtle put downs for the way I think.

I had initially been willing to connect via messenger because most of that past when I knew him was a black hole in my memory. Turned out that interfacing with him at this point was just subtle conflict masked with niceness. I finally had enough after communicating for awhile & blocked him. Sometimes "subtle" stuff takes a little while to become "obvious". In my past I would just let it go (bad at enforcing the boundaries I had). Not I just stop it & leave people who are like that

I see so he was like judgmental and disagreeable, passive aggressive?

Can I actually ask about one more thing, when you distanced from him you figured he would try and get the message that you had a problem hence you distanced? But he didn't change anything so you blocked him?

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Originally Posted by Etcetera1 I see so he was like judgmental and disagreeable, passive aggressive? Can I actually ask about one more thing, when you distanced from him you figured he would try and get the message that you had a problem hence you distanced? But he didn't change anything so you blocked him?

Mostly in a passive aggressive way & only thing we could talk about were things like animals without having strong disagreements on.

I had actually realized the problem when I first distanced & told him outright. So he knew I had an issue with him. I made no attempt to re-engage with him after just unfriending him but when he attempted in reconnecting, again in a passive aggressive way, he knew exactly what my issues were so at that point I just blocked him because obviously he didn't get it. I only used blocking as a last resort. Most logical people would have gotten the unfriending thing but his desire to be friends just didn't seem to allow him to think logically....more to this from in the past that came back in pieces from around 1978 which also made me know that the way I handled this was right. & yes, I did not make him guess at my issues with him. I am up front now, cause I know what is causing someone to bother me & upfront when they are someone more than just a person I pass by in life or work around for a few months that are just annoying to be around & will never see again once that time is over.

I see, and I appreciate your describing all this in detail. I asked as I have a thread on people ignoring, ghosting, blocking etc., and my thread is about it being very upsetting because I prefer direct communication. I can't mind read from being ignored or ghosted.

I would say a logical person will not try to mind read so I actually disagree that he should have got the exact message from the unfriending. It can be rather disturbing without being told in a clear, specific way as to what exactly the problem is and what is expected of you.

Half of the population on Earth does need such direct communication about what exactly is to be done and how in a relationship. Yes, the other half of the population can read from hints and indirect talks about emotions and boundaries and whatnot. But a whole half of the population can't. Tries at best. (No I'm not saying men vs women. I'm saying one half and another half of the population. This doesn't entirely have to do with biological sex)

And, I would never say that "desire to be friends doesn't seem to allow someone to think logically", because it's about lack of clear and working communication rather than desire to be friends clouding things.

I would say you can be truly upfront if you communicate in a clear way so then if the person doesn't get it even when you directly explain your wishes and expectations to them, you can then just tell them that your point is that you will not be able to continue regular talks and why, and then if the other person is decent at all you do not have to ghost or block them like that.

Ofcourse, if they try to harass you after you told them that you definitely are not going to talk with them much say because you two are just too different or you don't feel okay with the relationship and it can't be fixed or whatever the issue is, then you definitely have no other option left than block them.

But unfriending and assuming that they get the message from that, is just upsetting to the other person and unclear and vague so I can understand if they tried to see if the relationship can be repaired. Because many people do this when they are unsatisfied while things can actually still be repaired with them. Or their mood can change and they can come back on their own anyways after ignoring or ghosting you.

It's also especially upsetting if the other person was always very nice, kind, everything, before suddenly changing their attitude. It's also when it will seem like the relationship can still be repaired. Even if the niceness and kindness was hiding negative feelings for a while, the other person will not know about that magically by mind reading or by reading indirect communication.

I personally dislike drama like that though and in my thread too I ended up at deciding that if someone ignores me or ghosts on me then I don't want to try and repair it if I was not told about what the problem is. Because if they can't communicate to me in a clear and direct and simple way, then I don't have any responsibility left about trying to repair anything. So then a burden was off my shoulders, thank god.

***

EDIT: To make it totally ontopic though for this thread of mine here. What I think it is is that negative emotions accumulate on both sides, but both ignore or hide it for a while, and then it's just too late to keep even a superficial relationship or it all results in too much drama or something, so like drama with the ignoring and blocking and whatnot, too. And I'm like, yeah, mindfulness should allow us to face the negatives sooner and then it doesn't have to come to this!! Even if it's not going to be the greatest ever relationship, things can still be negotiated then and some superficial relationship can remain which can be best for everyone or if not then it's at least all cut off in time before it becomes more negativity and drama

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Originally Posted by Etcetera1 I see, and I appreciate your describing all this in detail. I asked as I have a thread on people ignoring, ghosting, blocking etc., and my thread is about it being very upsetting because I prefer direct communication. I can't mind read from being ignored or ghosted. I would say a logical person will not try to mind read so I actually disagree that he should have got the exact message from the unfriending. It can be rather disturbing without being told in a clear, specific way as to what exactly the problem is and what is expected of you. Half of the population on Earth does need such direct communication about what exactly is to be done and how in a relationship. Yes, the other half of the population can read from hints and indirect talks about emotions and boundaries and whatnot. But a whole half of the population can't. Tries at best. (No I'm not saying men vs women. I'm saying one half and another half of the population. This doesn't entirely have to do with biological sex) And, I would never say that "desire to be friends doesn't seem to allow someone to think logically", because it's about lack of clear and working communication rather than desire to be friends clouding things. I would say you can be truly upfront if you communicate in a clear way so then if the person doesn't get it even when you directly explain your wishes and expectations to them, you can then just tell them that your point is that you will not be able to continue regular talks and why, and then if the other person is decent at all you do not have to ghost or block them like that. Ofcourse, if they try to harass you after you told them that you definitely are not going to talk with them much say because you two are just too different or you don't feel okay with the relationship and it can't be fixed or whatever the issue is, then you definitely have no other option left than block them. But unfriending and assuming that they get the message from that, is just upsetting to the other person and unclear and vague so I can understand if they tried to see if the relationship can be repaired. Because many people do this when they are unsatisfied while things can actually still be repaired with them. Or their mood can change and they can come back on their own anyways after ignoring or ghosting you. It's also especially upsetting if the other person was always very nice, kind, everything, before suddenly changing their attitude. It's also when it will seem like the relationship can still be repaired. Even if the niceness and kindness was hiding negative feelings for a while, the other person will not know about that magically by mind reading or by reading indirect communication. I personally dislike drama like that though and in my thread too I ended up at deciding that if someone ignores me or ghosts on me then I don't want to try and repair it if I was not told about what the problem is. Because if they can't communicate to me in a clear and direct and simple way, then I don't have any responsibility left about trying to repair anything. So then a burden was off my shoulders, thank god. *** EDIT: To make it totally ontopic though for this thread of mine here. What I think it is is that negative emotions accumulate on both sides, but both ignore or hide it for a while, and then it's just too late to keep even a superficial relationship or it all results in too much drama or something, so like drama with the ignoring and blocking and whatnot, too. And I'm like, yeah, mindfulness should allow us to face the negatives sooner and then it doesn't have to come to this!! Even if it's not going to be the greatest ever relationship, things can still be negotiated then and some superficial relationship can remain which can be best for everyone or if not then it's at least all cut off in time before it becomes more negativity and drama

I did tell him why before I unfriended him. I cannot make people understand who just refuse to get it which also added to the blocking because I didn't want to waste my busy time dealing with him. I did that way too long in my bad marriage. I would communicate. I would even make my ex repeat back to me what I told him to make sure he got it & he still didn't. Some people are so in their own mind about thinking the relationship is OK that they don't even understand what the other person is telling them.

My time & energy are valuable to me & people like that aren't.....better to walk away than play along with the drama

When I've found myself in situations like that, the problem has usually been that we weren't on the same page, or on the same wavelength, or (figuratively) speaking the same language. The other person seemed to be reacting and communicating to someone whom I didn't recognize as me, and they seemed not to recognize the person I was responding to and addressing as themselves.

In one situation in particular, I might start to tell the other person something like, "Here's what I hear you saying...". They'd come back with something apparently unrelated like, "STOP ANALYZING ME!" Apparently they were experiencing "analyzing" (whatever that meant to them) where I wasn't aware of intending any such thing. They could no doubt have presented a very good case that I was unwilling or unable to recognize analyzing when I saw it (or did it myself). I could have presented an equally good case that they were determined to see analyzing and blame it for uncomfortable situations whether it was really there or not.

Normally I would have wanted to resolve our impasse by seeing if we could agree on where to draw the line between what we would and what we wouldn't call "analyzing". Unfortunately, the other person was prepared to dismiss any such discussion as just more "analyzing". Later I came to think of such conversations as "talking past each other" or "looking for each other on different floors of the same building".

I agree that if it's like that it's pointless trying to communicate more. It's pointless anyway to try and do it for too long if it obviously doesn't work, yeah. I find it interesting how your experience has been with this guy and with your husband. I agree that some people really don't want to face anything that's possibly threatening info about the relationship. Or they only understand actions and not words, sometimes that's the case, when they only work with very very direct information and that would be actions, the most direct information if that makes sense. It's hard to misinterpret clear actions

Yeah, I've watched this a lot. I think different views of the world and different value systems as well as different agendas are what can obscure things like this the most.

Some of the different views are totally based in biology even, even if it doesn't totally always line up with biological sex. For example I've read and it makes sense that some people run on needing to take care of fear (needing safety, security in the world) while others need to take care of not feeling like a bad person instead (shame). And what I said about indirect vs more direct wording of things or the topic itself could be more or less implicit or explicit. etc etc.

Then it's going to be really hard to communicate all that....if the topic of the discussion is already actually a different topic for each of the two parties. Like you said.

The "stop analysing me" bit, what that makes me think of, the person thought that it applied to their person and/or their whole person, whatever you were saying (so again like, not wanting to be a bad person). Some people just don't like statements that to them seem like assumptions directed at their person, their intentions, their feelings, even when that's not the case, or even when it is but without trying to generalise to their whole person to make them feel bad. Yet they end up generalising it to their whole person when it perhaps wasn't meant that way. It's like they process it cognitively differently, whatever is being said.

Sorry if all that was trivial. Just a few of my observations. (I could go on lol)