Regret

I cannot fix what I helped break so many years ago. T says I should try and forgive my younger self, but it's a continuum between her and me. We are the same person, basically. How can I forgive her when I am her? How, when her mistakes were my mistakes and her bad traits are mine?

Blame your mom! My younger self was sooooo much a clone of my mother. Im so embarrassed now. I have only bad attributes. Any good attributes, like how to be a friend, seem phony to me. I can tell a joke, but even that is just a survival sign and teeters on the edge.

People change, fortunately.
All you can do it try to be good starting now.

My mother blames her mom. I can't do that..

I'm good now, sort of. I still have aweful fantasies, but I'm mostly good. I simply can never repay the past.

Radical Acceptance. Dbt skill. You cannot change the past you have to accept the decisions you made were what you decided at the time and release all attachment to them. forgive yourself. I'm still working on this myself.

Thanks Aviza, I'll google that. Not sure how it can be achieved.

I have so much regret and frustration when I think about the past. But I've also started getting over it a bit. I guess it's been long enough.


Try to believe that something so terrific will happen to you, you wouldn't erase the past even if you could, because all those mistakes and all that pain got you that amazing something.


Also, try not to give the past so much weight. Last time I was home (my parents' house, I mean) and clearing out my old things, I came upon a box of old letters and photos from an especially painful time. I just looked at them, wondering why I had held onto them so long. I faced the fact that even if I hold onto them my whole life, when I'm gone, they're going in the garbage. So why not throw them in the garbage a little sooner and just be rid of them? Which I did.

I wasn't the only one who got hurt back then (as far as I believe). It seems much more difficult to give up pain I caused versus pain I went through. Yes, it caused a lot of mishap in my life. I believe I would have amounted to something great, a scientist, if this hadn't happened. But that's not the part I can't let go. I'm fine not being some awe inspiring creature, I just want a quiet life now, peace etc. To expand upon your metaphore, I've burnt the letters I received, but I cannot burn the ones I sent.

T suggested I could look into the possibility of working for a NGO or something, make up for the pain I caused. I don't know though. I don't trust myself to work in such a place. What if I am still the person I was all those years ago? What if history is to repeat itself?

I do know what you mean. I remember so many times I committed to something as a kid or young adult, and even back then I knew I would regret it. Then I totally flaked out and left people in the lurch, and there was always this sense of just watching the whole thing happen in slow motion. I didn't have any ill intentions, it was just some problem I had with organization or planning my time or biting off more than I could chew or being too shy to take responsibility for things, or something... To this day, so many years later, every time I agree to do something, I have this feeling of dread and I remember all those times when I was young and dropped the ball.


But you can't stop eating just because you're afraid of choking. You have to believe that you've learned things since you were younger, that you know yourself better and won't repeat the same mistakes. As long as you're open about your concerns and ask for help if you feel things are going wrong, you'll be OK.

I hope you are right, that I'll be okay. Thank you for your kind words. The thing is that my intent was malicious back in the day. I was filled with rage to the brim, I needed the world to burn. Restoring my faith in myself is not the easies task I ever set upon to do. Also a part of me thinks I deserve to suffer. But yes, I'll keep eating and we'll see... maybe one day I can be good and trust I won't turn.

When I think about it, the people who have hurt me by far the most in my life were not at all malicious people. They were really nice people who just ended up manipulating me or dragging me into their problems. In fact, I've often said that in the end, I prefer malicious people to such "nice" people--and these people were truly, genuinely, sincerely nice, with no hidden nastiness, but somehow they were really sloppy about things and it always ended up involving me. I would argue that at least people who are malicious, if they like and respect and value you, they can in theory choose to treat you well and not be malicious toward you. Whereas these "nice" but extremely destructive people can't make that choice, because they're not intentionally hurting you, all the mess and pain they create for the people around them just sort of happens by virtue of being close to them.


So I'm just trying to argue that there are also very destructive people who are not malicious. And that even if you have some malicious feelings or anger, you can choose not to act on them.

You are very sweet and kind. I do choose not to act on them. It's my one redeeming quality. Whether or not it is enough, I tend to think is for people to judge after I no longer am a part of this world. For what it's worth, I thing those "good" people who treated you badly, are to blame for treating you badly. We are all responsible for our actions. Espacially when children are affected, it is the adults duty to realize the effect their behaviour has on them. Their naivity etc does not absolve them of breaking that duty.

If we learned from that past & have made changes to our life, then we need to look at it as a learning process & a growing process rather than with regret.

I made a bad choice in my marriage & stayed in that marriage for 33 years before I walked out on it. I could have wrapped myself up in the regrets of either choice BUT I have chosen to start my life over (I was 54 at the time 15 years ago). Instead of regret, I am thankful because I love my life now & that change & growth I have made over the last 15 years is based on what I learned from my bad choices & good choices during those first 54 years of my life. I choose to focus on the positive NOW rather than wallowing in past regrets. Makes for a much more enjoyable life

Yes, but again I would argue that this affected your life, not anyone elses. If you had children and they were traumatised in the course of that marriage, I would find it relatable. Then I would ask how you forgave yourself. However, still, it seems different, as I am not the victim, but the potential perpetrator and no matter how long I have worked on overcoming my violent fantasies, they always come back. They are a part of me, now and seemingly always. So it is not just about regretting the past, it is about fearing what I am capable of for the future. How can I trust myself?

My father has this, too. He let it go when he was 70 or something. Frankly, he let it go when he was too weak to act upon his fantasies, which sounds about right.

All that being said, I think you did a good thing, and I find it awesome.

T says he wants me to see that those fantasies are just thoughts. He wants me to arrive at a point where when they appear, I'll acknowledge them like I would an old accaintance. "Oh, yes, you're also still here". I'm not sure how to get there. Then again, being as I am sick with covid, I didn't meditate much these days. It's interesting how much meditation does help.

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Originally Posted by AliceKate Yes, but again I would argue that this affected your life, not anyone elses. If you had children and they were traumatised in the course of that marriage, I would find it relatable. Then I would ask how you forgave yourself. However, still, it seems different, as I am not the victim, but the potential perpetrator and no matter how long I have worked on overcoming my violent fantasies, they always come back. They are a part of me, now and seemingly always. So it is not just about regretting the past, it is about fearing what I am capable of for the future. How can I trust myself? My father has this, too. He let it go when he was 70 or something. Frankly, he let it go when he was too weak to act upon his fantasies, which sounds about right. All that being said, I think you did a good thing, and I find it awesome.

Oh, I have a daughter who survived through those years also & my trying to survive screwed with her life too. After I left, & I knew she wasn't blaming me for leaving her dad, we had long chats about the past & I asked her to forgive me for the way I had reacted. Those talks helped me forgive myself too. & BTW I had 13 really bad years at the end where I was in & out of mental hospitals due to suicide attempts.

Leaving that environment changed my thinking & lots of good thetapy after that in my new location made a huge difference. I was blessed because when I walked out, I left the crap behind & it did not follow me 2100 miles away. That was how I knew it was all my response to my situation & not internal to me. Probably easier to forgive ones self when that realization happens. I know I am a whole new person & have worked hard to integrate that past into my understanding. Forgiveness grew out of that

@AliceKate I’m not sure if this is helpful (I don’t fully understand what happened in your past) but myself I always find it helpful to remember that we often do the best we can in the situation we find ourselves in. That doesn’t mean we did everything right - not at all - it means we did the best we could with the resources we had at the time. Resources meaning our family of origin, our education, social background, that sort of thing. It all feeds in to how we cope and react in any given situation.

If you think about that maybe it’s true there were factors beyond your control that lead to you making certain choices or reactions? This doesn’t mean you don’t take responsibility- you can still do that, but perhaps you can begin to understand the path you took a little better. In turn maybe self compassion may develop (don’t worry if it doesn’t at this point).

You write you are concerned about volunteering for an NCO, what if history repeats itself, you aren’t sure you trust yourself. I wonder if there are safeguards you can put in place to ensure that if there are signs you aren’t behaving as you would want to that you can take a step back and reflect? Maybe this is something you could work with a T with?

There are people who have committed serious crimes and they have served their sentences and worked on making a better life for themselves - even in these serious scenarios there’s hope when someone wants to change.

You guys make me cry a little... that a good thing really, so thank you. I'll reply more later. I'm not up to it right now. Hugs.

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Originally Posted by Aviza Radical Acceptance. Dbt skill. You cannot change the past you have to accept the decisions you made were what you decided at the time and release all attachment to them. forgive yourself. I'm still working on this myself.

I like the concept of radical acceptance. There are no lies or games about it.

Kudos to you and your daughter. Talking it through with the other person can be healing, I am sure.
Some 16 years ago, I befriended a man online and we talked of many dark things. He went and hurt someone and then he committed suicide. Little of this is confirmed, but it is what I pieced together over the years and for all intents and purposes to me it is true.
I cannot talk it through with the victim. I do not know her name and I wouldn't reach out to her even if I did. It is not my place to ... ask for forgiveness? retraumatize her? etc.
I was still a teen then, if barely. He was in his 40s. We were very bad for each other. The thing is that the violent fantasies I had on and off from the age of 6 never left after this.

Leaving is something I have tried, and failed at. When I moved back to my home town, I wondered if it would bring up things from the past and was determined to work through them if it did. And, well, it did and I am.
I can't say I wasn't prepared for the emotional wall I am facing, and I don't regret starting to work through this, but it doesn't make it easier. The rare moments/ periods where I am "free" show me the person I would be if that aspect of me weren't a part of me. But it is and while I have troubles accepting it, I do identify with it, if that makes sense... it's like a ball I drag behind myself. I'm chained to it. Picking it up and throwing it away at best leads to me comically flying through the air for a second and crashing into it after.
I don't think this is situational. It's always a part of me, no matter where I go. It's just worse here, which may be ideal to working through it.

See my post above ^^^ for an outline of what troubles me most. I will spare you the details. This forum is mainly for victims. My position is more on the opposite side of the victim-perpetrator spectrum.
I did not do the best I could back then. I was neglected, emotionally, by my family. Other than that there is not much evidence of abuse (aside from spanking, that is). My education is above average, as is my social background.
There were factors beyond my control that caused my rage and my anger. But writing and thinking and planning dark things? That was me taking back control. I never before, nor since, felt that empowered and free.
Perhaps with some stretching I can have compassion with my teenagers rage, but what she did was not okay. How she chose was not okay. And I fear the choices I might make in the future.

Perhaps. I do worry still though. What if I at some point break with reporting things to T? Like now, even, I feel a strong pull to watch shows about dark things, and while I do report if I do, I have not reported the urge. There are loopholes, and what if I at some point not decide to be honest at all? If that were the case it would be much better if I were not already in a place where I could cause damage.
T and I do have an accountability net in place, though. I designed it, even. I'm a little bit proud of that, as weird as that may be. It's really just a few scales and some context information I write down in a structured way on a daily basis.

T said that. But I never served my sentence.

You should feel proud imo of the accountability net you designed and put in place with your T, everything you’ve written indicates you’ve been thinking and working hard with all this.

I understand a little more now about what you’ve been dealing with, thank you for explaining. I’m certainly no expert but I can see you’ve been experiencing some complex emotions and thoughts with your move back to your home town.

Childhood emotional neglect must be a significant experience, hoping that’s being addressed in therapy. I’m glad you write that it’s a victim perpetrator spectrum because few of us are either one or the other, and it’s very common to have experienced both at different times in life. There were likely parts of you that were a victim, within childhood emotional neglect.

I understand you write you didn’t have a sentence/punishment or at least not one imposed on you externally. It sounds like you may well have punished yourself many times over the years with regret.

On the subject of volunteering I wonder if a safer position where you aren’t in direct contact with anyone deemed vulnerable might be most appropriate? When I first began volunteering 10 years ago I was so lacking confidence in my interpersonal skills I started off doing basic admin for a charity, it was still a positive contribution and I gained in all sorts of ways from it. There’s all sorts of roles out there to consider.

I'm not sure why I reacted the way I did. I guess it's one of many unanswerable questions. Childhood emotional neglect must be part of the answer, in my case. Feeling like I never existed, unless for a specific purpose, isn't a productive foundation for life. I'd wage my good small right toe that most other people have a more productive reaction than resorting to violent fantasies, though. I've only been in therapy for about a year. We haven't yet gone very deep into my childhood. T has tried once, to introduce inner child work, but I am not in touch with my inner child sufficiently to do this so far.

I have punished myself emotionally. It's what keeps me grounded. At least that's my opinion, T sometimes seems to think differently, but he is not very outspoken in this regard.

Regarding volunteering, I'll think about it. It might take some time to become comfortable with that thought... also my schedule for the next 6 months does not allow it.

To hold yourself eternally accountable to your past is to bind yourself eternally to a restricted future - you cannot delve the depths of life while hang-ups hold you back. Let go and bloom into a person whose freedom from guilt allows them to embrace the moment in a full body hug.


Guilt serves a purpose - to help make you a better person. Once that lesson is learned, guilt is no longer necessary. Let it go.