[Discombobulated]

My elderly dad has been identified as having some cognitive impairment, not dementia, or not yet anyway. Most of the time he’s fine, he’s got memory issues which are subtle but obvious to me, and close family.

Growing up dad had a temper, as a kid I didn’t question it, as an adult I knew better and had enough knowledge and distance to see that he could have worked to manage his temper better instead of us all running for cover every time we went over a mark which set him off. I assumed I was to blame, it was because I was a bad kid, and there off was a lifetime of self blame in all sorts of situations.

Anyhow he did mellow especially no longer having children at home and then retiring. But we’d see flashes, and even as an adult they could still reduce me to tears. But gradually I’d say they petered out.

Except I’m wondering if with the cognitive issues we’re going to get a return of the temper. Pointless speculating, no one knows how it will go. Except last week I saw a flash. It shocked me and I felt extremely uncomfortable and unsure of what to do.

I did respond calmly, I said I was going indoors because I had things to do and I’d wait for him in there. It seemed to work. But I was shaken, there I was middle aged woman being shouted at by my elderly father, almost like he was trying to recreate that dynamic of bullying someone with sheer volume and aggression. Essentially it felt the same.

A long time ago I had a good therapist (more recently I was given a less skilled one) and she explained I was no longer that child but I could look at her with compassion and distance, knowing I was a full grown woman with my own family now. It was good advice.

But…. In that moment it feels horrible. I did stay calm but only because I was about to deliver an activity session for some people who were depending upon me, where we were all civil adults. If I hadn’t I may have disintegrated in that moment because he seems to be able to push buttons with his temper. That sounds like I think he’s manipulative, I don’t, I believe he was never guided and taught the skills to manage emotions. I believe his own father was likely a bully from what I’ve heard, although he too mellowed.

If anyone wants to share thoughts about techniques/strategies I can have up my sleeve for such instances I’d be grateful. He’s been a good dad in many ways, but this one aspect has been so difficult.

[NovaBlaze]

@Discombobulated. I do feel for you. My relationship with my own father, who passed in 2019, was full of conflict, which worsened significantly in the last year of his life. His mental health was very poor throughout most of his life. To complicate the relationship, we were polar opposites. He was racist, homophobic, and misogynistic. We even had opposing political views.

As a teenager, I never challenged him. As an adult I did. I always tried to do this calmly and rationally. Alas, as he entered his nineties, his mental health deteriorated, as did our relationship. His last words spoken to me were in anger.

Looking back I often wonder if I could have challenged him a little less, or perhaps with more empathy. As I suspect many of us do, I look back and wish I could talk to him one more time, but I’m also aware that in reality nothing would change. I think, overall, I did my best, and that’s all I could do.

Despite this, he was still my father, and not all of my childhood was bad, by any means. I was lucky. Things could have been a lot worse.

[Nammu]

My father had a temper too. It was fueled by anxiety and fear. If I could have understood that sooner it would have made it easier to tolerate. Like for instance he got viciously upset with my horse for kicking out at me. He only did it cause I had spent hours practicing how to jump from his rear onto his back like they did on tv. But my dad lost it and was hitting my horse on the head. He feared for my life. He raced cars as a side activity and spent time doing stuff to cars. He get frustrated and lose it when things didn’t line up. Unfortunately I have a temper too but I’ve spent a lifetime getting it under control. Mine too is from fear and anxiety. Being poor a acerbates it. I don’t know if that’s what drives your father at all but you might try reassurance and telling him that things are ok.

[Discombobulated]

@Nammu thanks it’s good to have a reminder about reassuring him, oh boy, I do get stuck in my emotional mind when he flies off the handle.

I think with my dad it’s frustration because I suspect he’s more aware of the cognitive decline than he likes. to admit to others. And I suspect he’s had brain changes which make it harder to control his emotions.

It’s funny you should share your experience about the horse and your dad’s angry reaction- my dad once trashed a coffee table because my sister fell over it. I always thought it was a funny story, because I wasn’t yet born so didn’t see it happen. But really it was a sign he didn’t really cope well when things went unexpectedly wrong. I think we all knew that dad had to be handled with care even as children. To this day there’s only my sister who understands what it was like.

[Discombobulated]

@NovaBlaze thanks for your reply that sounds so hard, oh yes I think I can understand wanting to go back and have one last conversation with him. I think we instinctively want to make things right with our parents, especially when things didn’t go well.

I think with my dad its mostly been a good relationship, I do need to remind myself that. It’s just those flashes of temper, and all the reactions they bring about in me. You did good keeping calm.with your dad, I need to work on that.

[Bill3]

Have you reflected on what worked well /didn't work well in the past? Take, for example, the recent experience you described. You gave a reason to calmly leave the room. You said that it worked, though you were shaken. Could that be a useful technique going forward? In other words, possibly in the future you would not be so shaken, since you would have a plan in place?

[Discombobulated]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Have you reflected on what worked well /didn't work well in the past? Take, for example, the recent experience you described. You gave a reason to calmly leave the room. You said that it worked, though you were shaken. Could that be a useful technique going forward? In other words, possibly in the future you would not be so shaken, since you would have a plan in place?

Thanks, that’s very good advice. I need to try to stay in my calm/rational mind not my emotional one.

I do find myself triggered a bit recently with my parents/dad particularly. A few days ago he told me he was disappointed in my adult son (something which was a personal choice my son had made rather than any misdemeanour or wrong doing) and I stayed calm and said “That’s interesting you use the word disappointed can you tell me why that is?” I was so proud of myself for not reacting emotionally. especially as it was a trigger situation for me because a) He was criticising my son b) There have been several times when I know he was disappointed in choices I made as an adult.

[rechu]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. From what I've read and experienced some people get nicer/more docile with cognitive decline/dementia and others get worse.

My mother started off with mild cognitive impairment some years ago. Now she has full-blown dementia. She's always been a difficult person to deal with. We never had a good relationship and she never took any responsibility, seeing everything as my fault. Unfortunately, with the dementia, she has lost any filter. She's become a nasty and hostile person with no ability to regulate this. I think, like your dad she knows she is losing mental capacity and it frustrates her.


I feel fortunate I live far and my contact with her has been through video calls. The last few times I participated in them, it stressed me out so much, it brought me back to the issues we've had in the past. Interacting with me seemed to be agitating to her. So, for the time being I've pulled back from the calls.


From your last post, it sounds like you're handling him pretty well. I'm not sure if you're in a position where you are helping them with things due to their age or if you're more just spending time with them socially. I think if you need to take a mental health break from dealing with him, you're entitled to it.

[Gasplessy]

Except I’m wondering if with the cognitive issues we’re going to get a return of the temper. Pointless speculating, no one knows how it will go. Except last week I saw a flash. It shocked me and I felt extremely uncomfortable and unsure of what to do.

I did respond calmly, I said I was going indoors because I had things to do and I’d wait for him in there. It seemed to work. But I was shaken, there I was middle aged woman being shouted at by my elderly father, almost like he was trying to recreate that dynamic of bullying someone with sheer volume and aggression. Essentially it felt the same.

I feel this a lot
Seems you are doing your best to prevent worst scenarios, and you are putting you heart and mind in that

[jesyka]

I’m so sorry to hear that. My dad is very similar to yours too. He is a narc & a nasty tempermental bully too.

Try avoiding talking or seeing your dad. If you have to if you want to, then communicate with him over email & text to where you can’t see or hear him yell at you.

Grey rock him. Bullies love getting reactions from people, so put on your best poker face.

The dementia will probably make his temper worse. Use deep breathing excercises & take stress gummies like a Ashwangada that you can find at every drugstore.

Talk to a therapist about this too.

[Bill3]

I stayed calm and said “That’s interesting you use the word disappointed can you tell me why that is?”

Wow!! 😮 What a response!!

No wonder you are proud of yourself! You did amazing!

Congratulations!!

[Discombobulated]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Wow!! 😮 What a response!!

No wonder you are proud of yourself! You did amazing!

Congratulations!!

Thanks! I think I’ve learned a lot from being here and talking with others such as yourself.