Managing intense reaction when non-alcoholic boyfriend has a drink or two

Hi,
I really struggle with trying to be “normal” when my common law partner drinks. He likes to come home after work and have one drink. Maybe two. If he spends time with people there is usually some drinking. I begin to feel nervous or sometimes I even get a stronger feeling like he is not for me because our goals are obviously misaligned. I strive to be healthy and that doesn’t involve that kind of drinking. I judge him. If I say anything it upsets him. He knows my Dad was a violent alcoholic and thinks I am projecting. I struggle with not knowing what is normal or not. I have no healthy gauge. I could be letting it ruin my ability to have healthy relationships. Anyone have similar feelings they have to cope with? Suggestions for coping? Some logic to cling to? Or am I right?

I'm so sorry you're struggling, Lying heart It sounds like you may still have some scars from your past. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. I feel like it could be useful to help you deal with your past. Maybe you can even try couple counselling if you want. From what you wrote, your boyfriend doesn't seem to be very supportive of your issue. I think this is something worth discussing with him. Hopefully he'll listen and understand you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

Hi Lying heart. Your feelings are your feelings. It is never wrong to feel something. Before I read in your post that your father was a violent alcoholic, I thought to myself, reading your post title and post, "I bet this person had / has an alcoholic family member that affected them." It sounds pretty common, your reaction to your partner's drinking, to be honest. Especially with your history. I think a lot of people who have alcoholics close to them, cannot stand it. My father is an alcoholic and I could not stand when he would even just crack open a beer can. The sound literally made me feel pissed and rageful. I didn't want to be around him.

Just wondering if you're in therapy. Therapy could help you sort out your thoughts and feelings about this with your partner.

I think that this could be a deal breaker for you, or it might not be. I don't know. I'm not you. It does sound like you are distressed over it (your partner drinking) though. I'm sorry I'm not sure what else to say atm. I guess I can't give you further answers on what you "should" do. But I wish you well and I hope I was able to normalize your feelings.

Depends what your deal breaker is. If my husband had two or even one drink every single night, we wouldn’t be married. Frequent alcohol consumption doesn’t fit my life style. If it’s something you don’t want to tolerate, you shouldn’t. It’s not about who is right and who is wrong. If such frequent drinking is not something you want to put up with, then he might not be right person for you.

Frequent alcohol consumption doesn't fit my lifestyle, either.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I don't read you claiming that your partner is anything like your father, but I do read you saying that you want to live in a healthy environment. I get that studies go back and forth regarding daily consumption, at the same time, it's daily consumption and for a chunk of time each night you have an absent partner so to speak. Certainly, there's a slight inebriation? And in my opinion that is "absent" not wholly present time. And for those immediate moments when they come home, life centers around that bottle or can. To me that is less about projection and more about lifestyle.

Given your background and history dealing with an alcoholic, it's understandable that you are getting triggered by your bf's drinking. However, it doesn't seem like he is going overboard or like he's an alcoholic. So you have to determine whether you can put up with feeling triggered with intense reactions when he has a drink or two, i knowing that it comes from your history, or whether that is a dealbreaker for you and you need to be with someone who doesn't drink at all or trigger you in this way.

Speaking as someone in recovery...if you are uncomfortable with the drinking you have to say something. It can start off as a drink here and there and escalate or at least bother you enough that you snap. You have a right to enjoy him sober.

To be fair, I think both people have the right to the lifestyle they want, including him. He's not over drinking or having problems with drinking. If there were a problem, then I'd say it would be time to say something. But this has to do with two different lifestyles. She cannot impose her lifestyle on him.

How is the relationship otherwise? It would be good to talk with him about this... not in a way that makes him feel he’s being attacked though, in my opinion. If you had a habit you were comfortable with, you likely wouldn’t be receptive if somebody came at you in a negative way about it. I don’t drink either but honestly, it seems like this is your problem and not really his. People will always have differences in their relationships. It’s always going to be something. I would evaluate the whole relationship and the person first... but if you feel that strongly about the alcohol then be honest with yourself and with him because issues tend to get worse over time, not better, unless they are truly resolved.

I agree they both have rights to pursue whatever life styles. But it doesn’t mean she needs to stick around if it bothers her.

It’s a problem for her.

Also who is to say that one or two drinks a day isn’t a big deal. Many professionals will tell you that it is.

But what does it matter if some people think it’s ok? She doesn’t. Personally I enjoy having clear mind at all times and don’t enjoy company of buzzed people. It doesn’t matter to me that others think it’s perfecty fine. Others are free to drink daily, but elsewhere. Not in my proximity

In general it’s unwise to get into relationship with people whose life style differs too much. No point in trying to change people. No point to put wuth nonsense either. Life is too short

This was my point. Someone had said she should talk to him about it. If it's a problem for her, she should not try to talk to change him, she should just leave and end the relationship.

Also, my point was that he is not causing problems for them with his drinking, meaning, he's not causing fights, he's not being difficult, he's not being abusive... he is simply having one or two drinks. I also don't see that as alcoholism. Four drinks a night would be alcoholism. Not one or two.

The only problem lies with her not being able to tolerate it and it being triggering, so it's her problem, not his. And it's perfectly understandable given her history. It's very difficult to make things work when two people have opposing lifestyles.

I just find the entire expression her problem not theirs...well...demeaning.

It's his problem too if he's unable to do more than say it is all about her having grown up in an alcoholic environment. And stubbornly saying this is me and this is how it's going to be. If every stinking night he comes home and heads to the bottle to unwind then how is that not their problem?

Yes, living in an environment of alcoholism shapes perception of what one does and does not want. And the OP needs to evaluate the future.

The bottom line is: neither one is wrong. They live different lifestyles. He has every right to drink if he wants to, and she has every right to be with someone who is not like that. I was not being demeaning, that is simply how you interpreted it, and quite incorrectly. I am never demeaning towards a single person on here. Saying it's her problem is just a fact. It IS her problem, with HIM. She doesn't like it, it's extremely triggering for her, and I also stated it's perfectly understandable given her history, which is not at all demeaning towards her. It shows compassion. And I am not going to debate about whether a drink or two is a problem. I don't think it is. Just please don't take what I say out of context and misinterpret it. Thank you.

I agree.

I also have to say that I do not agree that not wanting one’s partner get buzzed nightly is only because one grew up with alcoholics. I grew up in a family and in environment were daily drinks are unheard of. People might have glass of wine at a party. I can’t imagine my dad chugging alcohol after work. So my lack of desire to be around drinking nightly isn’t due to my exposure to it.

If one doesn’t NEED daily drinks then why does one do it? If I do something daily it’s because it’s very important to me. If it’s no big deal why does he do it daily as opposed to just occasional social activity? I don’t know if OP plans on having children with this man but I surely would advice against it.

Also amount of alcohol doesn’t make one an alcoholic. Needing it (and daily consumption is a sign of likely a need) to “unwind, feel better, relax, have more fun” makes it a problem. Not the amount of it.

For me, it didn't dawn on me that my early childhood centered around alcohol until I was going through my marital struggles. My exh was certainly downing more than just a drink or two. After my parents had divorced when I was 10 alcohol lost its presence in my homelife. Dad stopped all together and then when my stepdad got sick when I was 12, they too stopped drinking. I also spent many weekends and vacations with my maternal grandparents from an early age earlier than the divorce and alcohol was a rarity there.
When I married, I was ill equipped to recognize that my functioning husband who woke up early and went to work each and everyday had a problem if that makes sense? One day after getting the kids to bed I looked and realized how not present he truly was at home. Going out would not be an option because he had settled in already. Alcohol was a limiting presence in the home. And it was a lonely feeling too. Plus his underlying mood disorder was no better the next day as he sobered up.

When I say ill equipped to understand his functioning it's because I had an aunt and two uncles on my paternal side that were not functioning for their addictions and alcoholism.

"According to a recent article in Men’s Health, George Koob, Ph.D., believes having a drink or two every night isn’t an absolute indication you’re headed for trouble. In fact, there’s very little data about one or two drinks negatively impacting your health or hastening your decline into alcoholism."

But how do you know if you’re addicted to alcohol or simply just dependent on it?

Koob states, “Even if you find yourself feeling irritable or antsy when you miss your evening drink, that’s not a sign that you’re addicted, per se.”

There are certain situations that should cause concern, such as:

- A family history of alcoholism
- Slamming down your first drink of the day in one or two gulps
- Using alcohol as a coping mechanism"

Article:
Does Drinking Every Day Make Me an Alcoholic? - DrugAbuse.com

This article states that one or two drinks a day is only cause for concern under certain circumstances, such as the above. The OP never even stated that she thinks it's an alcohol problem that he has. She is simply not comfortable with it.

Relationships and marriages are way more complicated than “people doing whatever the heck they want and if other person doesn’t like it they should leave”.

Fundamental values shouldn’t change such as I’d not change my religion or political affiliation or family values for example or give up my career.

However if the person isn’t an adddict (I do question that though) chugging spirits every night isn’t really a fundamental value.

If everything is a life style and nothing can be ever compromised so should people never ask other person to pick trash after themselves? After all, sloppiness might be their life style. Or should one expect their partner to take shower before sex or messy person has their rights to be filthy? Or stink of alcohol in bed? (Wonder if OP likes intimacy with buzzed smelling of alcohol person, likely not). Being uncomfortable is a valid concern. People should be comfortable around each other.

By this logic nothing should be ever discussed in a relationship. You’d never ever sustain long term relationship or marriage with this logic. It just doesn’t work this way

Now if OP says she discussed it and the person says he isn’t interested in any changes and will be drinking daily regardless of any concerns or just gets mad about it or whatnot then certainly it’s a sign that it’s time to move on. Expecting one’s partner to be clearheaded isn’t an unusual expectation. It’s not like he is expected to betray some deep meanhful value. If he isn’t willing to consider it then of course no need to waste time on this relationship.

It's Christmas eve and this thread is starting to piss me off. I don't think she has a right to ask him to stop doing what he is doing just to accommodate her needs. They are not suited for one another given the opposing/different lifestyles, is my point, but I'm exiting out. I don't wish to argue with anyone. Please carry on and merry Christmas/happy holidays to all.

Alcohol certainly is absolutely a limiting factor. Can not drive anywhere if emergency strikes (what if evacuation or hospital ride is needed?) , cannot go out, typically cannot have meaningful conversation, cannot be fully present for the kids. Any mind altering substance is a limiting factor in homelife.

This brought to mind a what if scenario with my first pregnancy. 9 months times 3 was a lot of time to notice that there was a sobriety issue going on in my home.

After my stepdad passed and my mom remarried soon after I had my first child, I realized what was involved in a couple of drinks after trying her eggnog one holiday.

I can imagine. Things like pregnancy and infants and your other half is intoxicated would freak me out for sure.

Have you tried discussing drinking with him when you are not upset and he is not buzzed? To me, when a couple has a problem with a difference in values/lifestyle/beliefs it is worth discussing to see if there is a solution that will work for them. Usually that would mean some sort of compromise, not one person telling the other what they should do. If the relationship is good except for the one thing it seems foolish to walk out without trying to solve the problem.

Having said the above, I grew up in a house with an abusive alcoholic father. I would not be comfortable in a relationship with someone who had a drink or two a night, but it would have ended a relationship before we got to the "common law partner" stage.

Excellent post lizzard lady!!!! Having a discussion/expressing concerns and attempts to reach compromise is a foundation for a healthy relationship and isn’t the same as telling your partner what to do. Simply leaving without any discussion would be rather drastic unless of course there is more to the story. Or if she is afraid to discuss issues, which is a bad sign all in itself.

I think she might mean just someone she lives with when she says “common law partner”. One cannot be considered (legally speaking) common law partner after only 6 months. Sometimes people don’t show true colors until one moves in.

Hi Lying Heart,

I would be concerned if my partner drinks every day. This is not something I would put up with either. I used to have a husband that drank one or two beers a day and then it escalated to the point that he had 12 beers a day. However, he came from alcoholic parents. You haven't said anything about your partner's family background. If drinking is a problem with his family or communication is bad all the time, you may want to reconsider that relationship. If you feel like the relationship is worth saving, you may want to join a support group such as Adult Children of Alcoholics or Al-Anon. I am not saying he has a drinking problem, though. Having the support of people who have had bad experiences with drinkers in their lives may help you sort out your feelings about the relationship.

Well I am an alcoholic in recovery and my husband is not. I have a solid sober foundation. I quit drinking on my own (which was so dumb and dangerous) but he was so happy I did he didnt even think about drinking around me. I told him that I just couldnt have alcohol in my house. Call me weak willed or a baby but I just couldnt, and he was ok with it because even though it was my problem, he wanted the healthy me and it wasnt that important to him. I am not one of those alcoholics that claim everyone else is one or that drinking is bad, but if drinking bothers you enough that you brought it up here then alcohol is a general problem for you regardless of who is doing the drinking an how much. And I think it was divine that said this but it is the OP's issue. The simple solution would be to ask "hey could we not have alcohol in the house, it bothers me" or "can you not drink around me?". Assuming he loves her his choice will be that its no problem or he may want someone who can handle it. But truly she has to deal with it as best as she can for herself. And that may mean moving on. It shoudnt be more important to him than her but who's to say the reverse isnt true. I know I am responsible for my own sobriety and that involves my loved ones that I live with. If I had to stop drinking and my husband wouldnt and it bothered me, we wouldnt have stayed married.