hate hate hate myself

It feels like the world is literally crashing down around me. Over the last few months my life has been smashed into a million different pieces.

My Dad is remarrying.
My living situation is terrible and unbearable.
My university career is failing.
My boyfriend asked if we can go on a break so he can sleep with someone else to be "even."
Both my parents hate him and think he is an "emotional abuser"
And I hate myself more than ever.

I'm going to see a doc tomorrow but I'm soo soo scared.

I don't want to be with people but I can't stand being along with my thoughts and feelings. I feel constantly sick. And my heart is broken. I have to decide after our two week break whether I still want him back. That's if he wants me back. I don't understand why he would leave me at this point just when I need him the most.

I hate having to pretend that i'm fine and just do normal things like eat, dress, shower and walk to uni. It's all SO hard. I don't know what to do.

I feel really alone. I can't breathe. I feel like i'm drowning. Tomorrow seems so far away.

I am so sorry all of this is happening....



You can hold on until your appointment...things CAN get better even if it doesn't look like it right now.

(((((((((Elspeth))))))))))

(((((Elspeth)))))

Know you are not alone and are being heard. I know how scary first going to a doctor can be, but they are there to help you. Having to say your fine and do everything is very hard. But know you do not have to just be fine here. Saying how you feel and being honest to you is important. Here you can be who you are and no one will judge you or push you to be fine. I am so glad you could tell us how you were feeling.

Remember depression lies to us in many different ways. And it makes you feel you have to hide. Not wanting to be with people yet not wanting to be alone with your thoughts and feelings is normal. And your heart has the right to feel broken right now.

I am sorry your boyfriend is doing this to you. Maybe it is a time to reflect on that as him separating to sleep with someone else to get even sounds to me like he is thinking of himself. You do not deserve to be treated this way. And I am sorry he is doing this at a time you need him.

I know it feels as though you are alone and that you cannot breath. Take one minute, even one second at a time if you have to. Tomorrow will come and you will make it to the docs. Know you are not alone and if you feel you are drowning--reach out and take my hand----------------------------------------------------------------------------I will sit with you so you are not alone. I know I cannot be there personally, but know I am there in thought. And keep reaching. We care.

dps

Thank you very much darkpurplesecrets. Your reply actually made me cry but for the first time in too many days it was because I realised that you really really cared rather than didn't.
I find it really hard to talk about these sort of feelings to people and being able to say it here has helped but getting the sort of encouragement that I can find here is amazing.
It has been so long since I've felt cared for and loved that I think I'd forgotten what it was like.
I will remember all three of you Amazonmom, justfloating and darkpurplesecrets tonight and try to get through each second.

It just hits me so often, the moments when I feel like just breaking down and crying. I know that today I lost it in class today when someone told me that they saw my boyfriend out at a pub last night. It's just so hard.
My dad rang me also and told me that he's glad that we are on a break because he hates my boyfriend. I was so stunned mostly because I thought that today couldn't get any worse.

I just feel so empty now, like there's nothing to be hopeful for because it only seems to get worse. Tomorrow cannot come quick enough.

(((((Elspeth))))

I am still here and listening. I am sorry you are still having a rough time. Sometimes things are just so much there are no real words to say other than I care. I am sorry you do not feel very supported by your dad. It is hard when others do not understand how you feel and it seems they can say something that really stings.

I am glad you are still posting, still reaching out. I wish I could take your pain and carry it for you for awhile. Know that I am walking with you and that you are not alone. I know it is only on the computor, but I am still here and listening.

Hang in there and remember to breath. Can you do something kind for you? Know that you are supported and cared for.

dps

(((Elspeth))) I'm not really sure what to say except we're here for you, you are cared for deeply here and as for the depression...I know.

I'm really really scared that the doctor won't believe me or understand
or won't help. I don't want to go anymore. It's so hard.



I know i will go though. I feel sick.

It will be all right. You are doing the right thing. Try not to be scared.

I did go. And it was unbelieveable scary. She asked lots of questions while I just sat there crying and trying to keep up. I was really scared the whole time but she kept at me saying things like you have to want this and you need to speak to me and so on.

I was too distraught to say this yesterday because afterwards i just felt so drained. Like I'd poured out my life and yet I was only in there for 15 mins.

She put me on some medication, just gave it to me right there. Didn't even have to get a script yet. So i'm not sure what is going on there.

She wants me to see psychiatrist but the lady is really booked out and so I'm just coming back to see the normal doctor. She is nice but a bit abrupt but I think I like that. I have to go back next week. She says I have to speak to her. But I don't know what to say. She wanted to know what I was thinking and how I was feeling but its really hard to say it out loud. I'm just really really scared.

I know it's hard....just say what you can.

I had no flaming clue what to say when I called the T for the first time. I had a script I would say into the voice mail. She answered the phone herself.

It's taken months to get to where I can talk to her without choking on my words.


You can do it.

I'm so glad that you were brave enough to go. That's a first step. Can you write your feelings, so when you go back it's easier to communicate them to her?
You ARE brave, you know.

Thank you all for the amazing support and the advice. I think I will take in a few notes. I know I only have to see her for 20 mins which I think is good. I don't know whether I could stand it for much longer than that. Especially seeing as I assume it's going to be as draining and terrifying as before.

I really hope this works out.

It might not be as terrifying as before, since just getting in the door sometimes is the most terrifying thing. At least you have some idea now what to expect. It could very well be as draining, though. What others have said about writing stuff down is good, so I'm glad you plan on taking in some notes. You may want to plan out a part of the day after the appointment to just process calmly somewhere away from any chaos or triggers in your life. JME, but it seems to help.

Thanks for that idea. I think I will try to go somewhere to just reflect on what has happened. The appointments in the arvo so I should be able to get away quite easily.

Onto a different topic... I'm just wondering whether anyone else feels like they are a burden to others when they are around them. I mean my current friends are trying really hard to always have things to do with me and organise events and trips to the shops and stuff like that. But I'm just curious as to whether I'm smothering them? Should I lay off? I do kinda force myself to go and be with them, but it's sooo tiring!! I do like hanging out with them but I sometimes wonder whether its too much of an effort.
Am I just being whiney? I know they are trying to support me but they don't really understand what I'm going through. I don't think they know that I'm depressed. Or do you think they do? Maybe they do. Sigh.... maybe I'm overthinking all of this.

If your friends are planning stuff and inviting you, then I doubt you're smothering them. I wonder about stuff like that, too, and have found that it's only when I'm reaching out way more than the other person that I may be smothering someone. I recently asked two friends if I was "too much" for them right now. One said no and the other said yes. The yes feels like death, but at least I know and can back off. The other friend I've had for way longer, struggles with depression herself, and is the one I'd choose between the two if I had to. Stick with the friends who go the long haul with you. As far as it being tiring to spend time with friends, that's probably just the depression talking. Maybe you're trying to perform a bit for them? Or having to converse too much instead of just be?