I need some advise Sisters husband Took His own life yesterday

I need some real help from people with experience. My sisters husband has had a lot of down sides to his life from dwarfism to neglectful parents. Now my sister has been with her husband for about a year married. A few short months dating. It's all so sudden. Now yesterday He took his own life in their home at that. She has to live life after him. How do I talk to her? I mean I want to know exactly what went on but I'm afraid to much to soon will push her. She is one of those people who just cant help but fall apart. Lost her first child in January this year. Still born. Her adopted mother has breast cancer finding this out in February. Now her husbands death. Gosh I'm not one to brag but my life is so much better then hers is right now. I'm not for sure how to help her now. I'm afraid and concerned for her mental health now. I don't want her to do anything stupid. But there is no bond between us seeing how she was adopted at a very young age. So as adults we speak but not often enough. I'm trying to be there for her but I have a one year old and a husband. My opinion might not mean much to her at this time. To her I'm the enemy right now. How can I help her. Like what can I say to comfort her. :helpme: :helpme:

The funeral is Friday I have planned for my daughters first birthday on Saturday. Should I insist she come or should I forget the importance's of celebrating my child's life? I don't know what should be more important.

((( Hello "Chris"??))))))))))))

Whoa! Can I relate to this feeling,...well, not word or event exactly...BUT....This 20th will be the 1 year anniversary of my brother's death(caused d/t complications of his prior suicide attempt -- shotgun thru the chest) He just laid down for a nap & his lungs leaked fluid..he drowned!) This is the 2nd brother I have lost to suicide. His wife, Pam.....she has been like no sister-in-law I have had (and I "had" 4 older brothers, all married twice) She is very quiet, withdrawn, insecure & afraid to ask for help. For the past year she has opened up to me, at least....that she was so sick and tired of people telling her to "hang in there" In the same way my last 2 surviving brothers have told me to "Get over it".........there is NO delicate way to approach this subject. I had to go by what I learned as a crisis counselor & psych nurse; I send her an occassional letter of general conversation, but would include articles I have "gleaned off the internet" from certain, chosen web sites that I could "customize" for her. (ie: one web site was hosted by a single woman who had lost her husband & most of the material was focused around the loss of a husband) I didn't "hover" around her; people usually feel pretty uncomfortable about that at first....hugs, hand squeezes, etc. are acceptable. I made it discreetly clear to her that she could contact me at any time; I included a pre-paid long-distance phone card w/ a sticky note that had my phone number on it, nothing else but "Open 24/7" When I wrote her a letter, I simply kept typing in my e-mail address...nothing surrounding it (so as to not be overbearing) On Xmas, I sent her a simple necklace that had his birthstone on it with a short poem about him being around her (by way of necklace) always...nothing else. You just have to keep it simple; but make it clear to her that YOU are available if she EVER just needs to talk about her day at work! She deeply withdrew at first, so I called her & talked to her about how I missed my brother & I cried..that opened a doorway for her to voice her feelings & tears also. It's a difficult situation to "dance around" but just let her know that you don't expect her to put a time limit on grieving....I know I'm still grieving, so I can imagine she's definitely still grieving more! On the 20th of this month, I think I will send her a simple card. None of these Hallmark Sympathy ones...ugh!

Give her her time and space to do whatever she needs to do or express; yet let her firmly know that IF she might need someone, that you're available. Be as non-judgemental as possible. Give her all the hugs she needs, but keep your "feelers out" as to when she needs her space. Be a friend...plain and simple.

My ideas.......take or toss.......but, please accept my heartfelt "sympathy" It'll be very rough first year. Just "be around"

((((((((((((( DAYZEE9)))))))))))))))

Hi, i'm not sure that i can give you any advice but i can listen to you...how's that? she's had a lot of pain in a short amount of time. a card from you with heartfelt sympathy would be good....a phone call.....take some food.....stay in touch enough so that she knows you're available.......i wouldn't insist that she attend the party.....let her make that decision. she might just want to spend the day in bed. my brother died in a fire and i remember that the food that people brought helped us so much. i'm so impressed that you came here and reached for help...that means a lot about you as a person. PM me if you need to. pat

Forget that she's adopted and let her know you'll be there for her
Angie

excellent advice.......

Hello Christo --

My heart goes out to you. And the depth of your analysis of the situation shows that your "heart is in the right place" as the saying goes.

Dayzee's suggestions make a lot of sense to me. So does Angie's to forget she's adopted.

I haven't experienced this. I've had 2 friends who experienced suicide of their fathers, including the body in the home. It is an experience that you never get over in some ways.

I know in my heart that you are going to do all that you can.

I would not insist that she come to a birthday party. Two years ago, a friend insited that I go out for lunch for her on my birthday, after my longtime mate had suddenly abandoned me just 5 days earlier. She would not take "No" for an answer. I was shellshocked. I sat through the lunch, unable to eat. She kept crooning, "Oh, I'm so sorry" at me, which did not make things better. She admitted, as she drove me home, that she should not have made me do this. If your sister needs to be with family, she will know it and be with you.

If the time and circumstance permits it, perhaps you can bring her a small piece of birthday cake and offer a few moments of comfort later in the day, so she knows you were thinking of her.

As for the party, I would keep it as pared down as circumstance allows out of respect for the deceased. I doubt that a one-year-old comprehends to a great extent what a birthday party is. If it was to an occasion where the grownups were going to have an whalloping good time on the side, I would again, ask that they forgo this pleasure out of respect for the deceased, while preserving the children's part of the ritual.

OTH, perhaps the adults will use the party as additional time to grieve and cope, and that would be a good thing.

Sorry, I'm not exactly Emily Post or Miss Manners. This is just my two-cents, and probably worth even less than that if put up for auction.

Please keep coming here for support and hugs. ((((((((((((((Christo)))))))))))))))))

it was very good advice..i'll bid $5.

Thanks for all those who have tooken the time to give me some advise. I will continue to come to these forums cause I need help sometimes. I know people have good intentions giving me advise. But I spoke to my sister before reading the reply's. Shame on me. I insisted my sister come to my daughters birthday. We'll see how that goes. The funeral is on Friday. I've only seen her husband a handful of times. And every time it was me giving them something. I try to do the right thing and say the right thing. But well I need to learn how to keep my mouth shut sometimes. And just listen. I need to come to the forum to understand other people's views. I'm too aggressive with my sister, I don't know how to treat her with sympathy at times. I decided to ask for help cause I don't want to create any more issue's for her. I want to be a friend not just the annoying older sister. Thanks to all those who have tooken the time to answer my post I really have no clue on how to treat this situation.

Christo, I would urge you not to beat yourself up for what you think you shoulda done or shouldn't have done -- something at which I fail at miserably.

If your sister doesn't want to come, perhaps she will make up some last-minute excuse. OTH, if she has agreed, perhaps she has a deep inner longing to be there. Small children can be such a gift from God, perhaps she longs to be in the presence of your child's unsullied innocence.

Even if you are "too agressive" with her in your own opinion (which may be distorted), at least she can have no doubt that you care and are concerned. And I think that is much healthier than her being alone and wondering why no one is holding out a hand to help her and support her.