failure

I feel like a complete and total failure. It doesn't matter what I do or how hard I try I always end up getting screwed. I got into a masters program but that doesn't matter since I'm going to move there and end up running out of money. The PhD program (which I applied for) provides tuition wavers for their students, but not for their masters students. the PhD students get to spend their time working in the lab where they then again get more publications, but I have to instead end up trying to find a part time job which will take someone on a student's schedule. The PhD students get large stipends along with tuition and fee remission whereas masters students don't get any help. The few jobs available to masters students were all given out before I even knew that I have gotten in. Everyone says it is going to be fine, but in the end I know that I'm just going to end up where I don't know anyone with no money. The few jobs that I have been able to apply for have rejected me. One because I was too qualified. The one job I could apply for on campus said that it was paid, but after taking forever filling out their application and getting my references to write letters on short notice I found out that the job isn't really paid. It doesn't matter how hard I try someone always gets in ahead of me. I've been working my butt off since I was a kid but it doesn't seem to matter. All the information people give me ends up being wrong. But they don't care because it doesn't effect their lives. I'm going to end up somewhere where I don't know anyone and have no money. They are going to end up kicking me out because of unpaid bills. What is the point? But I can't stay where I am as in two weeks i don't have anywhere to live and in a week I don't have a job. I'm just meant to be a failure at everything.

I can't think of a better way to sum up my life. I'm really sorry you feel this way too. But you're not a failure It's just bad luck...

googley

No matter what, you are not a failure, failures just give up and that is not your case. You are trying very hard and eventually you will be rewarded.
Something good will come around

(((googley)))
keep strong , this is only temporary .

googley,

You are NOT failure. Look how many years you have been in school already. You can do this. You are the only one who can find a way through.

I have a thought and I am PMing your with some information I found about Master/Ph.D. financing. You may already be aware.

I'ts not what happens to you that determines how far you will go in life ;it is how you handle what happens to you. ~~Zig Ziglar

Googley, looking at your post I see

• someone who has constantly worked hard
• someone applying for advanced studies.

These are not failure markers. I also see

• someone highly frustrated by immediate circumstances and very unhappy about it.

For you, I am less concerned about failure than I am about you being successful at something that makes you unhappy, or succeeding in a field that constantly throws up challenges undermining your happiness.

If you are certain you are pursuing a worthy goal, one that genuinely supports your happiness, then I would do my best to put aside fears of failure and mobilize your considerable demonstrated talents and go full speed ahead.

Wishing you happiness, now and in the future

Googly, I feel like this a lot -- and I am 61, so I have been working hard a few decades longer. I think we have to remember that these thoughts are our disease talking to us. Thank you for your post, because it helped me to remember that. It's so much easier to see that in someone's else post/thoughts than my own. Hugs and hugs and hugs. I hope something blindlingly, delightfully good happens out of the blue.

Thank you everyone for your support. I feel like I have been on this course since I was in undergrad. I chose my major and knew I would need post grad training to do anything in the field. Everyone told me I shouldn't have any problem getting into a PhD program. After two years of applying i only got into one masters program. I really want to do this, but if I can't then what is the point. I have been working two jobs for the last three years to make this happen. To the point of having no social life. Now it seems like it is all going to fall apart. If I don't do this then all the time and energy I've put into this is pointless. If I don't do this then I have no point to my life.

I know part of this is my need to be able to control the outcome. When I was a kid all I could do was predict all the possible outcomes so I could control what I could. Then I could believe that I could control the insanity I grew up with. I need to know all of the possible outcomes so that I can control them. I feel all out of control. I can't control all the possible outcomes because there are too many and they are too complex. I want to be able to know that things are going to be okay. But no one can tell me that.

If I don't succeed then what is the point of this? Why do I work so hard just to have this fall apart? If I don't do this I don't know what I am supposed to do with my life. It is enough of a problem that I'm always compared to my older brother who already has a PhD in a hard science and so I can't compete with that. My dad told me that if I didn't stay in school after undergrad then I would never go back (ie I'd be a big failure, because nothing I ever do is good enough). But I didn't have enough experience and know exactly what i wanted to do. I'm never good enough for everyone no matter how hard I try.

I'm probably just sounding like I'm whining. And I don't want to do that. I just feel so awful. Intellectually I know you all are right with what you say, however, emotionally I feel awful. And right now my emotions are winning over anything logical. But please if you get this far and feel like it continue posting 'cus I'm working on getting that intellectual part puffed up to convince my emotional part. Even if it sounds like I didn't listen to your other posts, I did. It's just a battle I don't seem to be winning right now.

Putting aside fears of failure and fears associated with lack of control are going to be more difficult than I imagined (when I was trying to put myself in your place). The rivers of "not good enough" have carved out some deep valleys over the years and diverting their force won't be easy.

My personal experience tells me it is possible to press on without self-confidence. How long one can do that is ... variable.

No matter what - we believe in YOU, Googley. What your family labels "success" and "failure" are meaningless here. Your own happiness and fulfillment, and how you think of yourself, are what matter to us.

May victory be yours!

First off, here's one thing to remember - you've made it as far as a master's level program - that alone is a level of achievement & of ability that already puts you ahead of a significant chunk of the population. Even if it didn't work out, the work & learning you've gone through thus far makes it anything but pointless, as will have accumulated a bunch more skills that you might imagine - a large part about higher level education is not just learning expertise in your field, but also in being trained how to learn/organize. If you've made it this far, then you must already have picked up some of these skills & they, along with the experiences you've had, will serve to help you in the future.

You've done a great bit of self-analysis where you mention about trying to control all the possible outcomes - I know this thought process (too) well. Whilst it is logical to maintain as much control over things as possible, the trouble is (as you recognize), you can only take that so far - at some point it becomes like herding cats. Targets (whether they be having a gameplan for every possible scenario, or gaining certificates) are merely targets - sometimes it's just not possible to achieve them (or achieve them in the manner you originally anticipated). I'm not saying that you shouldn't have targets & take them seriously, but that recognizing the possibility that they may not be met doesn't make you a failure - it can instead take some of the self-pressure off & allows you to evaluate alternative outcomes that you'd otherwise ignore because they're not the original target.

Ultimately, all you can ever do is your best - sometimes it won't be enough, or life just gets in the way, but whatever happens you will have learned something in the process & that will more than likely help you in the future. Nothing you've written indicates failure to me - failure would be if you'd never tried & you've already successfully attacked that target by getting as far as you have done. May you have further successes!

(((((((((((((((( googley )))))))))))))))))

Just don't really know what to say... Couldn't stop crying in T today. I felt like an awful client. I couldn't even do T well. I feel like everyone is better off leaving me alone. I'm just too screwed up to be around people. They should find something better to do than be around me.

Googley!

This is an excellent use of a therapy session. I spent many sessions crying.........

..........

(((((googley)))))

(((Googley)))

<<<<Googley>>>>