[Josie Sullivan]

Hello. It is 1:30 in the morning here in the Uk and i cannot sleep so am surfing online. I need some advice and support and i hope someone can help.
I am feeling very very hurt this weekend by friends who accuse me of not having depression and guilt tripping them. They are all unwell themselves. Some of the comments have been very hurtful and i know they want me to respond to them but i will not do so as that will inflame the situation. Instead i forgive them. I know they would reject my forgiveness but i do sincerely forgive them, even though their comments have hurt me very deeply.
Anyway i need to know if my feelings are truly depression. I have taken online tests which put me in the moderate to severe depression bracket. I have been depressed on and off since the mid 1980s. Since my Mother died they have become more frequent. I just feel life is not the same anymore. I have frequent spells of not sleeping, i feel a huge sense of lonliness and other symptons that i cant discuss as that would break the rules of this forum.
I have hidden my depression from the outside world for many years. Maybe that is my undoing. Maybe because people see me laugh and joke at work they think, oh she is alright. Sure there are times when yes i am fine and i am genuinely laughing and joking but there will be other times when i hide my true feelings and not let on i feel down.
And now all of my friends accuse me of not having depression. I am deeply hurt by that. I have only known them a year, but they have all made very hurtful comments online. But i forgive them.
What can i do? How can i make this right? I know my friends hate me, there is nothing i can do about that. But my question is am i depressed? I think i am. But now i am doubting myself. I am in tears over this.

[ADHD1956]

Originally Posted by Josie Sullivan

Hello. It is 1:30 in the morning here in the Uk and i cannot sleep so am surfing online. I need some advice and support and i hope someone can help.
I am feeling very very hurt this weekend by friends who accuse me of not having depression and guilt tripping them. They are all unwell themselves. Some of the comments have been very hurtful and i know they want me to respond to them but i will not do so as that will inflame the situation. Instead i forgive them. I know they would reject my forgiveness but i do sincerely forgive them, even though their comments have hurt me very deeply.
Anyway i need to know if my feelings are truly depression. I have taken online tests which put me in the moderate to severe depression bracket. I have been depressed on and off since the mid 1980s. Since my Mother died they have become more frequent. I just feel life is not the same anymore. I have frequent spells of not sleeping, i feel a huge sense of lonliness and other symptons that i cant discuss as that would break the rules of this forum.
I have hidden my depression from the outside world for many years. Maybe that is my undoing. Maybe because people see me laugh and joke at work they think, oh she is alright. Sure there are times when yes i am fine and i am genuinely laughing and joking but there will be other times when i hide my true feelings and not let on i feel down.
And now all of my friends accuse me of not having depression. I am deeply hurt by that. I have only known them a year, but they have all made very hurtful comments online. But i forgive them.
What can i do? How can i make this right? I know my friends hate me, there is nothing i can do about that. But my question is am i depressed? I think i am. But now i am doubting myself. I am in tears over this.

Good Evening!
When your mother died, did you FULLY grieve her death? You may want to look into a bereavement support group in your area, It could be that you have not fully grieved the lose of your mother. Have you seen a Therapist for depression? It could be that you are only depressed because you miss your mom.
I wish you the very best!

[Josie Sullivan]

Originally Posted by ADHD1956

Good Evening!
When your mother died, did you FULLY grieve her death? You may want to look into a bereavement support group in your area, It could be that you have not fully grieved the lose of your mother. Have you seen a Therapist for depression? It could be that you are only depressed because you miss your mom.
I wish you the very best!

Thank you for replying. Well i was depressed many years before my Mother died but you are right in that her death has made things worse. I get more frequent bouts of depression now than i did. I am seeing a counsellor at the moment. Just started it. I will discuss this whole sorry saga with her when i next see her. As to getting over my Mother's death. Well you never really get over it, you just learn to live with it. I have largely done that, though it has taken years. But somedays i still cry.

[depressedalaskan]

Welcome to PC ((((Josie Sullivan))))

What friends are you talking about - on-line friends? One thing I have learned about depression is that it will lie to you and tell you many things that are not true. Do your friends really hate you or do they not understand you? I have lost many friends do to depression, but not lost them, I have shut them out.

With depression I find other people's words to hit harder when I am down. When someone makes a remark that is supposed to be funny and I take it the wrong way. That is just me though - depression hits us all differently but the same if you know what I mean.

A counselor is a good idea, they will be able to tell you more about your depressed feelings. Hugs for your day.

[gimmeice]

(((((((((((( Josie ))))))))))))))))))))

I think discussing this with your counselor is a good idea. It is hard for someone to judge if someone else is depressed unless they are trained to do so. I have major depression and I still laugh sometimes, depression doesn't mean you cant have fun ever. Sending you some hugs

[Josie Sullivan]

Just listening to REM right now. I always find that a comfort when i am this down. Yeah all my friends hate me. They have made some very very hurtful comments today on LJ. They accuse me of not having depression. One of my friends even said very hurtfully tht my Grandfather did not have bi polar. Yet he broke down during the war and had a stutter for the rest of his life afterwards. He cut my Mother off for years, before my eventualy reconciliation of sorts. he ws never officially diagnosed though. I miss him very much.
Anyway i forgive my friends. I know they wont take that at face value. If i said that on my LJ right now they would reject it. I know they all have mental health problems so i forgive them. This whole thing started because they argue i have not given them space, privacy etc. But they have not shown me respect with all the hurtful comments today, especially not believing i have depression.
My counsellor had been frustrated that i up to now have not shown any deeper feelings. But it is only a month since i have seen her, it is hard for me to trust someone, hard for me to open up as i am a very private person. But i will now open up and discuss things. For my own peice of mind i guess. I know that means she will refer to my GP. Maybe that is not a bad thing. Perhaps finally someone can help me. I dunno. But it has hurt me today with my friends saying i am not depressed. I loved my friends so much. But i forgive them.

[depressedalaskan]

(((((Josie Sullivan))))) Your friends most likely do not understand depression and how it can get us all in different ways. It is very hard for the person without depression to understand.

Forgiving your friends is huge step for you. Hugs for your day.

[justfloating]

(((((((((((((Josie Sullivan))))))))))))))


I haven't told most of my friends that I'm depressed mostly because I don't want to explain it. Like you, I put on a good outward front. I laugh, joke, and pretend I'm fine even when, on the inside, I'm falling apart. Part of my being a private person is that I don't discuss my true feelings a lot of the time, so no one realizes what's going on inside of me. The friends I have told about my depression have been supportive, and I've been lucky in that, but they were all very surprised and a couple of them just stared at me while they tried to wrap their heads around it. Still, regardless of their reactions, I decided a long time ago that I simply couldn't afford to be ashamed of my illness. I did not ask for my depression, it just happened to me, and all I can do is focus on fighting it.

Depression -- or mental illness in general -- is very stigmatized and misunderstood. You're going to come up against people who won't believe you, who think that your illness is the product of personal weakness, who think that you're just trying to get attention or who think that you're simply a pessimist who needs to "think happy thoughts." The thing is, you probably already have all those reasons for feeling bad swirling around in your head right now. Your depression is telling you horrible things about yourself -- you don't need to listen to other people to feel bad, you already do. I know it's hard, but try not to take what these people are saying to heart. Forgiveness for what they've been saying is noble, but it doesn't mean you have to believe them too. YOU know you feel bad, YOU know something is wrong, and it's up to the professionals to decide whether you are truly mentally ill. I'm glad you're seeing a counsellor, and if she wants to refer you to your GP, I would also go. The first step on the road to recovery is figuring out what the problem is, then getting the appropriate treatment. Do this for yourself. You don't have to feel this way.

Welcome to PC. I hope you keep us posted on how you're doing.

[Josie Sullivan]

Thank you. It is really very hurtful to read the comments left by my friends saying that i did not know what depression was and saying they were offended as they have bi polar etc etc. I know they want me to respond to the comments but i wont. Tit for tat is so childish. I know they all hate me now, so the best thing i can do is walk away from them for a while and hope they will come back to me at a later date. But i do forgive them.
One positive thing i have done today is go through my online diary which i started way back in 2005. I have tagged all the entries i made when i felt depressed and the results were interesting. It seems since i started the diary online in 2005 i have had bouts of depression 2005, 2007, 2008 and they mostly start in June and last until September. That is linked to my Mother's death. I can identify a pattern there. But i have had depressive episodes going back way back to the mid 1980s. So it is not a recent thing. What i intend to do is print off the pages of my diary and show them to my counsellor when i next see her.
You are right in that people can hide depression. I have done that for many years, after all there are alot of times when i am fine and it does not show. But when i am depressed i hide it. Too well in fact.
Thank you to everyone who has been kind enough to post with advice. It is very much appreciated. I just wish i could make my online friends, two of whom i have met and had stay with me at home beleive me. But they wont. Oh well i have managed to crawl out of the maze before on my own. I guess i will have to do the same this time round.

Thanks once again to everyone. Much appreciated having someone listen when your friends turn their backs on you

[depressedalaskan]

((((Josie Sullivan)))) Well, you are not alone any more, you have a PC family now and we will do what we can to help you out of your maze.

Good idea to print out your thoughts and share them with your counselor. Good luck and post anytime. Hugs for your day.

[possum220]

Dear Josie,

When did your so called friends get their medical degree? Unfortunately, like yourself I learned the hard was who was safe to share things with and when to not say anything.

A true friend will understand or at least try to. Sounds like you do have issues that would benefit with talking to some-one.

Keep posting josie......

[depressedalaskan]

Originally Posted by possum220

Dear Josie,

When did your so called friends get their medical degree? Unfortunately, like yourself I learned the hard was who was safe to share things with and when to not say anything.

A true friend will understand or at least try to. Sounds like you do have issues that would benefit with talking to some-one.

Keep posting josie......

((((possum220)))) good post > When did your so called friends get their medical degree? Hugs to all.

[Josie Sullivan]

I feel like screaming that to my friends. I feel like shouting how dare you judge me like that. But i wont. I have chosen to forgive them. Basically this whole spat started because one of them had been requesting space which i gave. But we had been planning a sponsered walk for charity on Sept 10th which ends in London and i had to look at booking my hotel this weekend as any London/UK people looking at this will know London hotels get booked up very quickly. So i had to contact the person who would be my walking partner and said i had booked the travelodge hotel and as it was room only gifted it for both of us. She basically e mailed back and said thanks but no thanks i already have a hotel. Without telling me anything about it and mentioned the hotel we had both looked at a few weeks earlier. So i e mailed back and said i had managed to get myself a room at the hotel she had booked so that basically we could be together as friends do. And then her friend came on line and ordered me to stop e mailing her saying she needed her space
What am i supposed to do? Wait until she had contacted me presumbably sometime next week and be frozen out of a hotel room. I HAD to know one way or another this weekend. I tried to explain and i even went on to say i had depression too and had hid that from many people.
Now they are all ganging up on me saying i dont know what depression is, that i have not repsected their wishes etc. Really hurtful comments which i have no intention of responding to. I just feel very let down and hurt. I think it will be good for me to at least have something to discuss with my counsellor. God i had to hide this from my own Father. Dont want him to know about how depressed i really feel. Like others have said, very easy to hide depression.
Now i have a dilema. Should i go to London or not I dont think my walking partner and friend would welcome me. She hates me now. I wish i could turn back the clock of the last 48 hours. But i guess it was a question of dammed if i do, dammed if i dont. I had to know one way or another. If i had left it, it would have been too late to book.

[possum220]

What do you want to do? That's all it boils down to. There are always other walking groups you can join. Sounds like lots of people will be walking. Just book the room you want and leave them be.

You can do without this grief. They really don't sound like friends if you have to turn yourself into a pretzel to do anything.

You can't always be a people pleaser. You need to be a Josie pleaser sometimes.....

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Josie!

Originally Posted by possum220

You can't always be a people pleaser. You need to be a Josie pleaser sometimes.....

I agree.

PS: You're probably already aware of all this information, but here are the site-local resources:
PC Depression Home
Types and Symptoms of Depression

[Josie Sullivan]

Thank you for the link. Well today i feel a bit better, Thinking more logically, working my way out of the maze. One of my friends has left me for good tonight. I am saddened by that. But there is nothing i can do. I am still quite tearful and upset and hurt. But in front of everyone at work and home i still appear cheerful and fine and even joke. But inside i am crying. Hope that makes sense. Why are people so judgemental?

[lily56]

People can be so unkind. I live with mental and physical conditions and have been told by people - Gee, you look fine (meaning - they don't believe I have illnesses) It hurts, there is no way round it. It is wonderful that you can forgive them. I believe a lot of us with depression use humour or clowning around to hide it and after a while we become so good at it people won't believe us.
I'm sure you know your own feelings and can tell if you are depressed, I know I can when I am. What does your doc say? All the best and wishing I could say something to make you feel better.

[Josie Sullivan]

Well i am seeing my counsellor today and i am going to discuss what has happened. She might be able to offer some advice. Hopefully. All my other friends are not speaking to me. i feel hurt.

[Lost71]

Originally Posted by Josie Sullivan

Well i am seeing my counsellor today and i am going to discuss what has happened. She might be able to offer some advice. Hopefully. All my other friends are not speaking to me. i feel hurt.

Josie, let us know how it goes with your counsellor today, ok?

Good Luck to You

[lynn09]

Welcome to PC, Josie. Sorry I'm late catching up with your post. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Re: your friends - there is a very fine distinction between acquaintances and friends - friends are the family that you choose for yourself, so be very discerning in your selection. Some people may be drawn to you because you are so tender-hearted, as so many people with depression are; and they really want attention from you, but aren't necessarily interested in giving anything back. Also, some people like to create drama in order to keep everyone's attention focused on them, rather than on you or anyone else. I learned early on that most people really are not equipped to understand or deal with someone else's depression, so I have always tried to reserve discussions of it for my T. It is not that I am ashamed of or embarrassed by it, but rather it's a way to protect myself from unnecessary injury. No matter how depressed I get, I can still laugh and joke around - even seeing others laugh makes me feel better because I don't want them to be where I am, I don't want them to feel the way I do; and laughing with them helps to release endorphins (feel-good hormones) into my system which act as a natural mood elevator.

It is so very important right now for you to focus on yourself - you really cannot afford the distraction of drama created by others - you have work to do to get yourself better, and associating with people who hurt and demean you is not helpful. As for your charity walk, if you want to go, then go. Just because you are both there doesn't mean that you are obligated to be with that person. Do not allow others to control what you do and don't do. You had a perfectly legitimate reason for contacting your "friend" regarding the hotel reservations, and your "friend's" response was really very rude and inappropriate (drama). If your "friends" want space, then give it to them - don't get sucked into their game of withholding acceptance, affection, and support from you in order to get you to beg for their company - that's a typical "controller" technique - emotional blackmail. You don't need to beg for anything from anyone.

Printing out your diary entries for your T is an excellent idea - a roadmap, so to speak. This will help your T tremendously to identify "triggers." I'm sorry for the loss of your mother, and I can tell that you really miss her. Hopefully soon you will be able to celebrate having had the opportunity to share time and life with her and your grief will begin to diminish. You have already made quite a bit of progress from your original post - don't stop now. Especially with depression, maintaining momentum is very beneficial - don't allow anyone to slow you down or derail you. Please keep us posted.

[Josie Sullivan]

Well i did it. Got a stinking headache right now but that is probably me letting go of the tension in my head all day. Sat down with the counsellor and had a very long chat and frank discussion. Interestingly she was not surprised and i think pleased that i had put this in the open. I think she knew i was holding back and of course she was right. It is somewhat a releif that a battle i have been fighting alone now for the last 20 years on and off is now known to someone else. I know the counsellor and i will be discussing this in far more detail in several sessions to come. Today was about confessing for want of a better word.
We also discussed what had happened over the weekend and tonight i have posted to my friends and "come out" regarding this. My counsellor and i agreed they will either leave me or keep me. It is up to them. As much as i love and forgive them, right now me is my priorty. I need to sort me out. of course i would be in tears if they left but there is sod all i can do about that !
So yes i do feel like i've sold my soul but in a good way. I have shared my stuggle with someone else and someone who can help. And my counsellor said yup you've had depression. That is something. To be beleived in when my friends did not.
So now starts a new chapter in my life. I dunno where it will lead but i think today i made a start. Thanks to everyone for your help and support over the past few days

[*freak*]

So glad to hear it went well with your counselor... and I think you did the right choice regarding your friends

Good luck with everything

[Amazonmom]

You can definitely be depressed on the inside while looking okay on the outside, I have done it! Nobody at my work had any clue, nor did my family. My husband knew I was, but he didn't know just how depressed.

I am so glad your counselor believes you and is helping you.

[Berries]

(((((((((((Josie Sullivan)))))))))))

Welcome to PC and Congratulations for making that first step with your T!!!!

Keep posting here. The people here are awesome and will support you and give you great advice. They are kind and loyal. And we all are so glad you are here!!!!

[depressedalaskan]

Job Well Done!!! ((((Josie Sullivan)))) take care of you first. That is the key to fighting your depression. Hugs for your day.