A list :(

of some of the bad things I've been called (leaving the worst and completely untrue things out)
Lazy, withdrawn, insecure, immature, selfish, "self conscious", needy (most of these have been said by more than one person so *must* be true...) .... that's a pretty damning mix, I get pretty tired of hearing those and worse in my head nearly every freaking day. And it takes more energy to correct my glaring flaws as it takes so much energy to fight the thoughts , that I'm completely worthless and useless and not worth any oxygen.
And its not surprising that so many of my friends (IRL) have given up on me as I'm such a waste of space.
Sorry for the pity party.
I'll probably regret posting this. I'm so terminally insecure that I usually panic and attack self if I use any words at all
The reason of being abused in childhood is getting old, I should get over it, already.
(the IRL therapists I have seen so far (several, mostly very expensive, which I can't afford...none of them I found kind or empathic) have added more words to my list )
I wonder if there's something about me that attracts critical people, (who then abandon me) even therapists
GROWL

Thanks to the great group of people in this forum who don't judge. If it wasn't for you guys I wouldn't even have written this post (although that would maybe be a good thing)

sorry dont know what to say just wanted to give you hug xx

I think this is the most I have ever seen you write, which is a real good thing. Being able to say what exactly is going on can be so hard, I know this.

Whoever says all these nasty things to you has the problem! Trouble is that the name-calling can stick in our head and drag us down. Don't listen to it! There are so many people that know you are such a kind and caring, compassionate person. How wrong the name-calling is!

I know you have had bad experiences with therapists in the past, some of their techniques made you feel worse, possibly using the wrong kind of therapy for you. It truly saddens me how you were treated.

Being abused in childhood can have a profound and devasting effect on us. It's not something you can just get-over. It takes years of therapy to make those old abusive parent tapes quieter. And it is something that we have to work at. It's hard.

You said you wonder if you attract critical people who then abandon you. Sadly this can be the case. It takes strength to turn round and say, nope I will not be used again, walk away and find the kindness from people who don't act as leeches! We find it hard to judge the right kind of person if we always have had that type of person around. I hope I'm making sense.

I'm waffling a bit here but your long post deserves a good response. Growling is what you need to do to rise above the depression and in any case isn't that what bears are supposed to do!

My best to you. You know how to contact me. Your friend always!

(((((((((((( Furrypaws )))))))))))))

I hear you fuzzy and I totally agree with Pegasus.

If you can, find a kind therapist - they are out there.

Challenge the words that come into your head hun. 'Sticks and stone may break my bones but names will never hurt me' - whoever said that needs their head read.

Words are the most powerful weapons we can have. They can leave deep and lasting wounds. When you are little your brain doesn't have the capacity to reason. We are in the hands of our parents/carers. Don't let their legacy be yours.

How many hugs do you give out on here all the time. Time to hug yourself. Time to be kind to yourself. Time to ask yourself "am I really such a ??????? The answer is not the same as you were labelled with.

You are a caring sensitive soul, who is compassionate and hears others pain. Time to write some healing words on the door of you heart hun.

((((((((((fuzzy))))))))))

I've been called a lot of those names as well...especially lazy. We may seem some of those things on the outside but we're not to blame. It's our illnesses making us act this way.

It's hard for people to understand if they havent been through it themselves.

HUGS!

Dearest Fuzzy, I am so glad that you have written this post! Reaching out and communicating is how you get better and the stuff that is the most painful to say, or most embarrassing, etc., is the stuff that needs to be said the most.

I can see how others can see in you, your list down there. The thing is they don't understand WHY they see these things in you. Furthermore, why you do things on the inside, and how they look on the outside, and are seen by others, has a HUGE DISCONNECT! Few people have the ability to really look at someone and understand what they are seeing. Heck, most people don't understand themselves, how can they understand anyone else! - Especially the most vulnerable and wounded among us. So, my dearest Fuzzy, some understanding is needed here and I think that it starts with you understanding yourself better and your environment and how the two interact (because you cannot depend on progress from the actions of others! The best progress is what is under your control!)

Fuzzy, all of your symptoms make perfect sense considering where you came from. What is missing here is a step by step plan that will lead you out of this. Everyone around you is screaming "Look at you! You are a mess! Now get better now!" Well, duh, don't they realize that you would have done this if you knew how! You need to understand all the little steps between where you are now and how to get to the end of your healing journey. It seems that no one who is able to help you, figured out exactly where you are now so that they could help to lead you out. A person can't scream from 2 miles away in the dark "hey, I'm over here, get your butt over here". They need to come find you and hold your hand and help you to walk out yourself step by step..........

((fuzzy one)))))

a book that helped me incredibly with re-programming my own internal messages and which is still available if it might help some:

Words that Heal, written by Douglas Bloch

http://www.amazon.com/Words-That-Hea.../dp/0929671007

Agreed and agreed!
Whatever you do to "correct" what others are telling you are your "glaring flaws," please don't do anything that would dim your glowing virtues!

Consider the wisdom of Pegasus, Possum, In_The_Darkness, Sannah, Berries, Nowheretorun and of the many others who truly care for you. Take hold of what you can. Journey to happier places; we'll cheer your every step!

Dearest Fuzzybear, I can't tell you not to growl at yourself, but do try to save some growls for those tormentors who really deserve them.

Funny, I was just saying to myself the other day that I was a waste of air. Those negative words you get in your head - remember that's the DEPRESSION talking, not you. Maybe it's just old tapes running and running, but the words don't describe the real you. I agree that you could have some of these traits due to C. abuse, but even tho you get tired of blaming it on that, those years just have that impact. I think maybe we could be surrounded by energy that does attract others of a certain kind, but it doesn't have to be that way. I've had 2 supportive and kindly T's, and if anyone's a waste of space, it's me. I'm very glad you posted your feelings. Wouldn't you want me to? I think it's the best of people that have the worst of trials, taunts, and negativisms chasing them If we were kick*** mean nobody could have stood to be around us long enough to abuse us! billieJ

Fuzzy I know you've probably heard this a million times before because so many people here love you, but instead of going over and over those bad names that the insensitive people have called you (and that is THEIR own insecurities and they were wrong) every day say positive things to yourself. You ARE worthy, you are NOT lazy, you don't have to be needy, the negative people have made you feel that way as well as insecure. Start little by little thinking and even saying out loud positive things .... I promise if you do this every day you will start gradually feeling better. Each person who lives on this earth is entitled to live and be happy, to love and be loved. You are loved here Fuzzy, your beautiful nature shines through like sunshine to so many people ... that is a great way to start your day, by coming here and seeing just how many friends you have. To be a survivor you have to be a strong person in the first place hon, and I know that you are, just keep chipping away at the debris that others have left behind and hold out your paw .... K xxxx

I think that these words that are etched into your mind are your abusers who are living rent free in your head!!! They have programmed you to think and then believe these things...to turn yourself against you. Almost the equivalent of an auto-immune disorder of the subconscious.

I love your posts Fuz...they are brief, but descriptive...but this one knocks my socks off in a good way!! You have a voice...and it is a smart and intelligent voice that is worthy of being heard. I hope you will continue to allow us to hear more from you!!

So....I would like to start a new list for you, Fuzzy!!! This is a new list that you can print out....and when these negative thoughts start to creep in....no matter when or where, you can carry this list with you or think about it and use it as firepower to shoot those negative thoughts down!!

So....here goes!!

FUZZY'S LIST!!!

Fuzzy is.....

~ A good friend
~ Compassionate
~ Worthy
~ Loving.......

WHO ELSE WOULD LIKE TO CONTRIBUTE TO FUZZY'S LIST? Fuzzy...You can contribute too!! Add some positive traits about yourself!!!

I'm adding to Elysium's list

Fuzzy is~
Kind,
Caring,
Warm,
helpful,
a distinguished member of PC,
better than those stupid T who said nasty things,
lovely
worthy, and
hard working!

From what I've read Fuzzy, is that you really believe some of these things about yourself. To help you may want to take each behavior individually and really think about it. Ask yourself, "is it me?" If you really feel that you are acting in such a way then make a list of specifics that validate this behavior that you think you might have. If the behavior is validated and you feel that it is not beneficial for you to act this way, address it individually and work on changing the specifics so you don't have that particular behavior anymore. Hope this helps. Get better SOON!

Great idea, Elysium!

Fuzzy is...
a master of investing smilies with real emotion and meaning.
a ministering angel.
a fuzzy of the warm kind.

Fuzzy is...
warm.
kind.
here for everyone.
lovely.
freindly.

((((((fuzzy))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Dear one....growing up I know heard words sorta like that. Except the word I heard was stupid. or i talked to much. or etc.
Remember if you can those are words ppl used against you. It does not mean you are those things. They are not true,....I know when it comes back to you it feels like its true. Know thou you are a kind and caring person.
Know no one deserves those words.
It can be hard for me at times to write as sometimes i am on limited words. I want you to know I think its wonderful you wrote this out...
Never regret it ...for saying your feelings ....It was a honor to read them ((ty))))
please know I care and ((fuzzy)) keep this in mind when you hear those other words ...if you can put this in place
(((((((((you matter and are worth it and you are kind )))))))))))))))))))

You've gotten so many great replies already.
Please don't ever regret posting. I'm glad you did. And I love how you were so honest and open about how you're feeling. That's amazing.

I've had a similar problem with therapists. It appalls me how many people in this world treat everyone around them like dirt. Or as only someone with money. It sounds like you haven't found the right therapist. Neither have I... and I've had some pretty horrible people. Most have only cared about making money off me. One cared, but hadn't a clue. The only thing she knew how to do was to point me down the hall to a PDoc. I'm sorry you have been so hurt by these therapists, it's not right and I REALLY hope you can find one that cares. But for what it's worth I don't think it's YOU, I think it's the system. And the therapists in question probably just weren't right for you. I feel your pain, I wish I could take it away

Fuzzy, you are NEVER a waste of space, or a waste of oxygen.

That list you wrote, perfectly valid. That's how you feel. But I don't agree that it's what you ARE.

You're not lazy, you're depressed. There is a HUGE difference, but it's one that not many people understand unless they've been there themselves.
"withdrawn" is not always a negative word. But being withdrawn is also part of depression.
Needy, insecure, selfish also all can be lumped under the category of depression or other things you're going through.
So essentially it means you're SICK! (*great x.x*) Point is, that if I had a broken, would it be right for my friends to be upset with me?
You do not come off as a selfish person to me.

Sending many hugs,
you're not a waste of time to me at all, or I wouldn't be writing this post
In fact I consider replying back to your post and excellent use of my time

Fuzzys list

Fuzzy is .....

Warm

friendly

always kind

too hard on herself always

worthy

loving

a wonderful friend

LOVED

caring

intelligent

a fantastic person

creative

compassionate

huggable

colourful

lights up PC and always has

many hugs dear Fuzzywuzzy

Yep! That is also the most i have ever seen you write, and I encourage you to GROWL at those who criticize you any further. When someone makes a statement that is abusive, literally say to them GROWL and walk away (if you can). Easier written than done, I know, but it is something I am practicing too (my word is OUCH!) or i hiss at them. yep, hiss. cat hiss.
So good to see you reaching out!
(((((((((((((((Fuzzy))))))))))))))))))

(((Fuzzybear)))))) You know what I do? when I get those thoughts in my head, I try to rmember who it was who used to used those words and then I say out loud "Shut up soandso" It helps to remind me that these are external values that some idiot who doesn't understand had tried to plant in my mind, and that they don't belong in my head.
And Fuzzy,! Just because more than one person says these things to you doesn't make them true! It just means that there are a lot of stupid people out there. You can't let these dolts determine your woth for you, dear! They have no idea what a gift you are.

I think it is wonderful to see a glimpse into Fuzzy! It really is good that you are writing and sharing, so that we can better understand you.

Your post was honest and open and I found that I could resonate with it too.

Thank you for sharing with us.

I would love it if you could feel POWERFUL. Have you ever tried taking martial arts classes? Being physically intimidating won't automatically help in self-esteem issues, but it could be a better expenditure of money than simply going through another underwhelming experience with a less than great T.

Just an idea.

Trevorzero makes an excellent point. Normally when we're down or in distress we automatically resort to our friends (if we have any) and/or our doctors. That's fine, especially in emergencies, but there may be other more cost-effective options to build our sense of self-efficacy, of independence and competence.

Be creative; what would make you (us) feel more "potent?"

I understand how you feel and can only say, if you need to talk or just get something off your chest, i am here.