[CK23]

Hi Everyone...
I am a newbie here... I should have introduced myself first but i was really desperate to spill my thoughts... I have been suffering from moderate depression since i was a kid..I have tried to reach out to people but i am never given any value... Everyone snubs me...I dont know what to do to have a friend in my life... I had an absolutely devastating high school life where everyone humiliated me even the teachers... and even though i think i should be proud that i had supreme resilience to get through it and also get into Professional education i could never recover from the shock... Even though social relationships were a nightmare i thought i should reach out to people and then they might show interest... but when i went to college no one talked to me beyond work... i tried to make conversation and was disgusted with the response... people would come to my home after an entire year to borrow notes and then not even care to say 'hi' for another whole year evne after i invited them to restaurants, talked about music and t.v shows and stuff... i did a full year internship at an HR consultancy afterwards and i put in extra effort to get a full time job but i had to pack up after the year ended cos the environment was cold and unfriendly... I met a lady there who was a few years older and she was a bit communicative at first cos of which i decided to really reach out and hope that she would be friendly but it's been more than six months since she and i left that place and she has not said hi to me even once... I feel completely depressed with life and the only reason i carry on is that suicide and running away are not options i have... I have to live with the idea that 'life is a roller-coaster and i just gotta ride it'... i would collapse someday maybe and then this nightmare would come to an end... Life is as horrifying as death!

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, CK23!

It's no fun being resilient if you're still miserable. I'm not much of a relationship/friendship advice person, so take the following suggestion with a grain of salt: If reaching out for friends hasn't worked for you, try not reaching out.

I know, that's counterintuitive. The suggestion is based on my long-term observation that some of the best things in life (friends, for example) are frequently acquired when you're looking for or doing something else.

Aside your friendship difficulties, do you have pursuits or activities that really excite you, that engage your spirit no matter what other people think about them? Those pursuits and the effects they have on you may draw others into your life far better than trying to get into others' lives.

Wishing you fulfillment & success!

[lynn09]

Originally Posted by Rohag

If reaching out for friends hasn't worked for you, try not reaching out.

I know, that's counterintuitive. The suggestion is based on my long-term observation that some of the best things in life (friends, for example) are frequently acquired when you're looking for or doing something else.

Aside your friendship difficulties, do you have pursuits or activities that really excite you, that engage your spirit no matter what other people think about them? Those pursuits and the effects they have on you may draw others into your life far better than trying to get into others' lives.

Very wise words from Rohag here, (((CK23))). I also learned long ago that I can deal with my depression better than most "normal" people - they just really are not equipped to understand it, are overwhelmed by it, and have no idea how to "fix" us - so, it's best not to put that kind of pressure on them since they and we do not share "overlapping realms of experience." If you do not already have one, you would probably benefit from counseling with a therapist (T) who understands the depression and can assist you in better understanding it yourself, as well as learning coping skills to make the ride a little less bumpy. Of course, all of us here will gladly listen and provide whatever expertise and support we can - we know the terrain pretty well.

[Peppermint_Patty]

Hi CK,

Maybe you are coming across as too needy and that is scaring people off. While it is okay to take an interest in people, don't be too quick to ask them to lunch, happy hour, etc.

Also when you are at work...are you the one who is always striking up a conversation with people or do they seek you out to chat?

If you are the one who is always striking up a converstion, then I wouldn't waste my time on such folks as friendliness should always work both ways.

Finally... try to seek out clubs where people have the same interests or hobbies as you. This is important because friendships can be hard to form and impossible to keep if you and the other person (or persons) don't have anything in common.

[billieJ]

Rohag is always so wise. If reaching out is not working, then try just greeting them appropriately, making small talk as appropriate and then going about your business. People may not understand an invitation to lunch or movies early in the relationship. For example, an invitation to the movies when someone comes to borrow your notes might not always seem appropriate to them. Making a witty requip to any conversational attempt on their part is always good, but wit doesn't always come easily to those who feel depressed. Sometimes I have felt that I was invisible to others, and I, too, have been snubbed. Rather than reaching out, I always sat in public restaurants and the like and did my homework, paperwork, etc. Having people around me was enough social contact for me, initially. I really became immersed in what I was doing. Eventually, through hanging out in the same place, people came to know me, and we became friends. Just a thought. billieJ

[Dazed and Confused]

Originally Posted by CK23

Hi Everyone...
I am a newbie here... I should have introduced myself first but i was really desperate to spill my thoughts... I have been suffering from moderate depression since i was a kid..I have tried to reach out to people but i am never given any value... Everyone snubs me...I dont know what to do to have a friend in my life... I had an absolutely devastating high school life where everyone humiliated me even the teachers... and even though i think i should be proud that i had supreme resilience to get through it and also get into Professional education i could never recover from the shock... Even though social relationships were a nightmare i thought i should reach out to people and then they might show interest... but when i went to college no one talked to me beyond work... i tried to make conversation and was disgusted with the response... people would come to my home after an entire year to borrow notes and then not even care to say 'hi' for another whole year evne after i invited them to restaurants, talked about music and t.v shows and stuff... i did a full year internship at an HR consultancy afterwards and i put in extra effort to get a full time job but i had to pack up after the year ended cos the environment was cold and unfriendly... I met a lady there who was a few years older and she was a bit communicative at first cos of which i decided to really reach out and hope that she would be friendly but it's been more than six months since she and i left that place and she has not said hi to me even once... I feel completely depressed with life and the only reason i carry on is that suicide and running away are not options i have... I have to live with the idea that 'life is a roller-coaster and i just gotta ride it'... i would collapse someday maybe and then this nightmare would come to an end... Life is as horrifying as death!

Hi CK - Welcome. I admire your ability to go into education. High school was a miserable experience on so many levels. You couldn't pay me enough to go back for real. Everyone has great ideas. Another suggestion is to volunteer for something you agree with or are interested in. Volunteering is a great way to meet people and because the regulars are so glad for the help, they typically make you feel pretty good and welcome. If you prefer animals, an animal shelter is another great place. The dogs and cats are so happy for the attention, they will really make you feel appreciated.

Hang in there!

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hello & Welcome, CK23!

It's no fun being resilient if you're still miserable. I'm not much of a relationship/friendship advice person, so take the following suggestion with a grain of salt: If reaching out for friends hasn't worked for you, try not reaching out.

I know, that's counterintuitive. The suggestion is based on my long-term observation that some of the best things in life (friends, for example) are frequently acquired when you're looking for or doing something else.

Aside your friendship difficulties, do you have pursuits or activities that really excite you, that engage your spirit no matter what other people think about them? Those pursuits and the effects they have on you may draw others into your life far better than trying to get into others' lives.

Wishing you fulfillment & success!

Welcome CK23

[CK23]

Guys, thank you so much for the warm welcome... It really feels gr8 to have your support... You know i was curious as to what my plan should be when reaching out to people hasnt worked either... You know some days i suddenly start laughing and do have enough strength to last the day without much hassle even though my social contacts are zero...Yet, the depression still persists cos you can put a plaster face and pretend to be happy but no one can deny the truth... I just wanted to vent some more so i would understand if you guys dont reply to what i write now... What i needed to say is that the worst part of this has been the no contact thing with that lady from work... The people who ignored me when i reached out didnt hurt as much as this cos this lady was the one person who did communicate and be friendly but once the initial introduction passed she was as cold as the others...

[lynn09]

Originally Posted by CK23

Guys, thank you so much for the warm welcome... It really feels gr8 to have your support... You know i was curious as to what my plan should be when reaching out to people hasnt worked either... You know some days i suddenly start laughing and do have enough strength to last the day without much hassle even though my social contacts are zero...Yet, the depression still persists cos you can put a plaster face and pretend to be happy but no one can deny the truth... I just wanted to vent some more so i would understand if you guys dont reply to what i write now... What i needed to say is that the worst part of this has been the no contact thing with that lady from work... The people who ignored me when i reached out didnt hurt as much as this cos this lady was the one person who did communicate and be friendly but once the initial introduction passed she was as cold as the others...

You need to adjust your perspective on this one, CK23 - move to the other side of the circle, so to speak, regarding that lady from work. You must realize that not everyone is as honestly open as they appear. She may be one of those who "appears" friendly up front just to get past your defenses and get the "dirt" on you - find out your weaknesses - many very insecure people do this so they can feel that they are superior to and have power over those they feel are intimidating.

Give yourself some credit, CK23 - you were open and honest with her; if she is not able and/or willing to deal with you and/or your issues, so be it - that is her choice and you must respect that. Just remember, your identity is not defined nor is your value as a person determined by what others think or feel about you. This lady appeared to open the door and welcome you in, then closed and locked it after she found out what she wanted to know. Either she is very rude, judgmental, etc., or she is overwhelmed and defensive, or she just doesn't feel that she has enough in common with you to pursue a relationship. Whatever the case may be, just be yourself - be civil, kind, and polite to her - let her know that you respect whatever boundaries she has erected for whatever reason she felt she needed to erect them.

You must learn to do the same - you need to erect boundaries to limit how far into your life you allow others to come, and how far into their lives you allow yourself to be dragged. We all wish that this world was safe enough to adopt an "open-door" policy, but that is not the reality. You must be discerning about who you open the door to and invite into your inner sanctum - and be just as discerning about whose doors you walk through even on invitation.

As for putting on a plaster face even though you're depressed..... I have dealt with depression all of my life. I know that we as complex human beings are capable of many different emotions simultaneously; i.e., just because I'm depressed, that doesn't mean I can't sincerely enjoy and laugh at a good joke, or enjoy a pleasant conversation, or appreciate the beauty of a sunrise, or sunset, or a star-filled night sky, or smother my pets with hugs and kisses borne of genuine love and affection, etc. Depression and other positive emotions are not mutually exclusive. In fact, I consider that I can feel the depths of depression so intensely means that I can also feel the heights of joy to the same capacity.

As for attracting friends - I think the emphasis here is on the word "attracting" - planets and other astral bodies don't run around the universe trying to get close to each other - it is the "attraction" that pulls them together. Be your obviously genuinely warm, kind, gentle, caring self and others will be drawn to you - those that are attracted will usually be those who are more kindred spirits - others will sense that the welcome mat is out and you are "approachable." You must remember that humans are not that far or long out of the cave - we still have natural instincts to defend ourselves - those too eager to get close to us, we tend to suspect. Right now, you are the new addition to the pack - let others check you out and approach you cautiously. This is a good thing for you to do as well to figure out who you want close to you!

[Pomegranate]

Welcome to PC Ck23! It is depressing to try and make friends and have people not reciprocate. The only real friend I have is my husband irl. And now I've made some very caring and supportive friends here at PC. Please feel free to vent. That's what we are here for. Try not to focus so much on what you don't have. And just continue to be yourself, eventually you will find another kindred soul and have a friend. But simply being yourself and accepting who you are and what your situation is, is the first step in making friends. Some of us are just a lot more different than others. That's okay.

[CK23]

@ Lynn09, I agree with what you say... and i have been acting exactly how you describe i should... I thought to myself that i should be a friend to her but only on her terms and i think her and i have some differences i mean she walks with a different crowd... my family is very conservative... It's just that you know it feels good when someone says 'Hi dude how are you, what stuff's been going on'... i wish someone would call me and say those things... someone who really liked my company liked the person i am and not just cos they were bored and had nothing to look forward to... I have been keeping it together guess i'm so used to being alone that it doesnt have the same sting anymore... though i gotta tell ya that when it does sting the pain is overwhelming... i feel like a stupid whiner, i'm gonna help you out whenever you come across some trouble too... this is starting to feel selfish now... this is my third post on this thread and i havent helped you out with anything... Really, just these few replies i got seem overwhelming cos i realize the trash you guys go through each day to make a living and then you still find time to reply to all these self centered msgs... really makes you wonder that life aint all messed up as it appears to be... i owe you one, really!

[Monsieur]

Hi CK23,

I'm fairly young like you, so I can definitely relate to the horrid experience of isolation in high school and middle school.

Social communication and friendship is such a delicate and intricate process, so many people who people such as us would deem "lucky" take their ingrown abilities to make friendships for granted.

I've noticed that making friends often has to do with how strong or weak your approach to them is. Most of time, like all other things, social approaches require a balanced medium casual friendliness.

You have to be careful to not go for the movie or lunch with an acquaintance that you may not know that well. Some people are fine with this, but many other might find this kind of activity something reserved for close friends only.

Like Rohag said, it's probably better to take your mind off trying to reach out and try to focus on some hobby or talent. Even if you're not really good at something, you'll still attract other people with similar interests that way if you're really into it.

I'll be around if you need a friend to talk to.

Best of luck in your struggles,
~Monsieur

[lynn09]

Originally Posted by CK23

@ Lynn09, I agree with what you say... and i have been acting exactly how you describe i should... I thought to myself that i should be a friend to her but only on her terms and i think her and i have some differences i mean she walks with a different crowd... my family is very conservative... It's just that you know it feels good when someone says 'Hi dude how are you, what stuff's been going on'... i wish someone would call me and say those things... someone who really liked my company liked the person i am and not just cos they were bored and had nothing to look forward to... I have been keeping it together guess i'm so used to being alone that it doesnt have the same sting anymore... though i gotta tell ya that when it does sting the pain is overwhelming... i feel like a stupid whiner, i'm gonna help you out whenever you come across some trouble too... this is starting to feel selfish now... this is my third post on this thread and i havent helped you out with anything... Really, just these few replies i got seem overwhelming cos i realize the trash you guys go through each day to make a living and then you still find time to reply to all these self centered msgs... really makes you wonder that life aint all messed up as it appears to be... i owe you one, really!

Please - no self-recriminations, CK23. The thing most people don't realize is that when they post, even when they think they are "whiners," you help others see a part of themselves outside of themselves. Even when I am thinking about what you say and how you are perceiving your situation, it helps me focus in on maybe just one little aspect of my own issues to see it more clearly. Sometimes some of us need more attention - we're just in the kind of spot that we need to deal with certain issues NOW - that's the time to post away and get as much support and insight from others as you can possibly stand! But, never think that you are creating any kind of a burden for anyone here. Like I said, even when we are helping you and others, we are also helping ourselves. We're all in the trenches here.

I also appreciated Monsieur's input: "Social communication and friendship is such a delicate and intricate process." Absolutely right! It is the most delicate of diplomatic dances - a skill more learned than innate. Personally, I always found social interactions excruciatingly painful. Growing up in my abusive and hypercritical family stunted my social development. What I said to you in my previous post is the result of a lifetime of struggling with this very delicate and intricate process. I have worked very, very hard, hard, hard to get to the point that I am now more concerned about making others feel comfortable in my presence than worrying about me being comfortable in theirs. I used to almost pass out if I had to talk in front of the class at school, eat a meal alone, do anything or go anywhere alone. You wouldn't believe some of the things I have done to force myself to be able to do these things and be relatively free of the fear of rejection or criticism. Let me know, and I will be happy to share my "exercises" with you.

I just wanted all of you who have this kind of difficulty to realize that just because some of those of us who are older have achieved some measure of success in dealing with any kind of social phobias, don't think for a moment that we take making those social connections more easily now for granted. It still requires work - even if we make it look easy to others.

[Michah]

Hi there,

I am one of the most anti-social, misanthropic and instinctively narcissistic people I know......so on the issue of not making friends, well I fall down in that area.....but I love when I want to, socialise when I want to, and only engage with people who I REALLY value......I am the most content I have ever been.....and I have good people in my life, even if they're not many

Work on loving yourself more babe......all the rest will follow......I guarantee it.

Take care of you......

Michah

[trevorzero]

The sad truth is that most people in this world are very self-centered. Unless you are precisely compatible with them, then chances are they will not take much of an interest in you. But this is a universal truth and you should not single yourself out. Most people experience what you have experienced, to a greater or lesser degree.

So it can be very hard work trying to find people who will care. I have been tempted to give up many times, but I hope you will continue to persevere as I have.

[melinda84]

Hi. Welcome to the site. I am fairly new here myself. I have been going through the same thing as you really. I have had a difficult time making friends my whole life and i know it's very frustrating and depressing when you really need some support. I have posted numerous ads online looking for friends and they have either ignored me or i have found something i didn't like about them so i didn't respond to them. I see now that i have made a lot of mistakes in wording things and in not taking more chances by getting back to people regardless of how they sound.

Right now, i'd say i only have 2 really close friends and they just happen to be my Mom and my boyfriend. I have several acquaintances online, but they're too busy to hang out with me these days.

When you're depressed, you often don't think about how you're coming off to other people. I know it's just like you're buried under a big negative cloud so it can make everything more difficult (especially finding friends).

I really wish you the best of luck with things and hope that eventually we find good friends. You can pm me if you ever need some support and would like somebody to talk to.