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Oct 27, 2009, 07:25 PM

XXX XXX---------TRIGGER WARNING---------XXX XXX
XXX-------....kinda-------XXX

Just wanted to say that even though today has been a good day I'm still considering that I might need to be hospitalized for my crap. Seriously was considering at least some pretty serious si (at least) last night (really, my original post was just me feeling really really sad, last night it was more like that plus more self-hatred that I've ever had ...probably in my entire life... thankfully for me it's not like there were any real tools so to speak) I wont bother mentioning the cause because it is really something ridiculously stupid. I'm not handling the stress very well and considering I'm getting a job hopefully soon and will be going to college (eventually, probably next fall so I can save up some money for it first) that it is just going to get worse

......

unfortunately for me I don't have my own car or even a learners permit and really do not have a person I trust offline aside from my best friend and my step-sister to even drive me there, and it's not like my parents aren't going to ask questions because they are still under the belief that I'm just a normal teenager just going through some normal stuff that I'll get over with with a little time and some self-confidence. and well... I live with them anyways so it's not like they wouldn't notice. So yeah, even if I felt something necessary I have no idea how I actually could.

Berries · Oct 28, 2009, 07:14 AM

(((((((((((Kaika)))))))))))

I'm sorry you are stuggling. I'm sorry you don't have a support system with your parents. Do they know you SI? Maybe if they did, they would realize the seriousness of your depression and help you get the help you need.
Please keep safe. If you are not safe, get a ride from you sister or best friend and go to the ER.

I am rooting for you.
Wishing you peace and understanding.

turquoisesea · Oct 28, 2009, 08:03 AM

((((((((((((Kaika)))))))))))))))))

If it really gets to a point you feel unsafe and want to go, I'm sure you can find a way. How far away from a hospital are you? Would you be able to call a cab *knows that might be too expensive - it depends on how close you live*. Is there anyplace nearby that your parents could drop you, or maybe there's a way to explain to your parents in a vague way that you'd be comfortable. *brainstorms*

As far as the feelings of self hate - the temporary thing to do is distract yourself in any way possible and use grounding methods. But eventually you'll need to look at WHY you feel that way. There's normally a reason and until you come to terms with that it might keep coming up. I've felt that way before, it's no fun. Wish I had a pill to take it all away... tons of hugs, keep posting

Oct 28, 2009, 09:43 AM

My parents really don't know anything

I don't really want them too either. My dad would probably flip out, and I've already been down that road with my mom and step-dad and it did not go well. At all.

It really doesn't help that my brother is being an asshole to me lately. Don't take the puppy out at the exact moments he wants me to? Abandoning my responsibility. Want to spend a night or two at my mom's house? Abandoning my responsibility. Sleeping in because I didn't sleep well the night before? Abandoning my responsibility. This is especially a wallbanger because on most days he sleeps in until noon because I let him sleep for the exact same reasons but he can't take care of her by himself in the morning? After all, he woke me up at 10 with the reasoning that it would be "unfair to keep her in her crate all day" so apparently when I'm not around he doesn't want to take any care of her because he couldn't care less about her.

What makes me especially mad are that my parents are being supportive of him and being down on me. I would be way more sympathetic of him if he actually said something about not caring and therefore wouldn't take any responsibility, but he pretty much didn't say anything, and gave off the impresseion that he was okay with it. He only told me once during the entire process and I just thought of that as an ogg hand asshole comment from him because well... he does that alot. It makes me mad because nobody see's, understands, or acknowleges all the work that I do for the puppy.

Berries · Oct 28, 2009, 12:22 PM

((((((((((Kaika)))))))))))

Well, you can keep posting here, telling us what is going on in your life and how you feel and how you are doing.

We all care and are interested in your well being. Please stay safe.

Oct 29, 2009, 09:14 PM

T suggested that I take meds, but I told him no, he asked if we could talk about this next session a little more, my response was the equivalent of go knock yourself out. But I'm kind of regretting that, I don't want to take meds for depression... I've been like this my whole life and I've been ok so far and they have nasty side effects and I have a hard enough time taking teeny little pills for really really bad allergies.

lonegael · Oct 30, 2009, 09:21 AM

((((Mirla)))) I understand why you would be apprehensive about taking the medications, because, yes, they are pretty powerful pills, and yes, many do have really uncomfortable side effects that you might really want to avoid. I don't think that that is unreasonable.

One thing to remember, though, is that the depression can change as you get older. Either you can have more stress which can change how severe the depression gets or you can have hormonal changes which can also give you troubles. Just becuase you have "managed" until now doesn't´mean your depression will continue to be as manageable later. Your therapist might be seeing warning signs and might have brought this up for that reason. How are you doing now?

Briester · Oct 30, 2009, 09:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lonegael

One thing to remember, though, is that the depression can change as you get older. Either you can have more stress which can change how severe the depression gets or you can have hormonal changes which can also give you troubles. Just becuase you have "managed" until now doesn't´mean your depression will continue to be as manageable later. Your therapist might be seeing warning signs and might have brought this up for that reason.

You're very right about this lonegael. I wish so much I had sought treatment when I was younger and before the dysthymia/depression got so deep and really jaded me towards myself and others. I often feel as though I really wasted away in sorrow what could have been the best years of my life. (my 20's) and now I'm hitting 40 next year and just this month to the step of getting meds to help me get over it. It's pretty bad when you have a lovely wife and beautiful new baby boy and 1/2 the time you're thinking about how much better off they'd be without you and how much you just want all the pain and anguish to stop.

Mirla, it really may be worth considering meds. Nobody but you, the doctor, and your family even have to know and sometimes (as in my case so far...knock on wood) the side-effects are not even noticeable. I'm on Prozac and aside from a slight headache that lasts about 30 minutes and feeling tired (which I already did anyway) I've been spared the worst that some poor people here have had to endure.

Hope your day goes well.

turquoisesea · Oct 30, 2009, 09:42 AM

(((((((((((((((Kaika))))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry about the way your family has been treating you.
Is there any way to insist on some "morning rules" between you and your brother? Your responsibility is YOUR responsibility, and it sounds like he's turning it into HIS job to make you responsible for things. That's no good

As far as the meds, maybe it's ok to talk with T about it. Talking in NO WAY implies agreement that you will take him. It's actually an opportunity to say "I am scared of meds" "I don't want them" "they have bad side effects" and for him to share his views with you. I'd be scared SCARED to do this but I think it's a good thing to have a discussion about the pros and cons to it. You can still say no, and that way you can say you've considered all the information and still don't like the idea.

many hugs to you

Oct 30, 2009, 02:44 PM

thanks everyone

hmmmm, I'm okay today
Just tired

I'm a little annoyed that my brother has decided to sleep all day... I'm tired myself but if I don't clean up around here I'll get yelled at and I gotta keep an eye on the pup so she doesn't get into trouble, oh well...

Pomegranate · Oct 30, 2009, 03:13 PM

Kaika

Oct 30, 2009, 03:22 PM

thank you, I'm surprised it's not as late as I think it is/it feels. Today just seems to be dragging on and on and on...

turquoisesea · Oct 30, 2009, 04:50 PM

hm that was the title of my post yesterday....

*hugs*

Nov 01, 2009, 06:18 PM

I had a good day today, and that's good.

googley · Nov 01, 2009, 07:10 PM

((((((Kaika)))))))

kebsfroggy · Nov 01, 2009, 08:48 PM

I'm so glad you are having a good day.

kebs

Nov 01, 2009, 11:31 PM

Well, it was good for awhile and that was fun while it lasted

Briester · Nov 02, 2009, 07:09 AM

I hope you have the clarity to enjoy many more of the good days and less and less of the not so good ones Kaika.

05:43 PM

low energy day today, even if I'm not sad or anything doing pretty much anything that doesn't involve being a bump on a log listening to music makes me irritated. Of course I do it anyways because I'd rather not have people p----d off at me

lonegael · Nov 02, 2009, 02:43 PM

(((((Kaika)))))) ("and your little dog, too!")

Briester · Nov 02, 2009, 02:45 PM

I was kind of like that yesterday.. I didn't feel like doing anything at all so I was in and out of beg still trying to get my wife and baby attention and care, even when I had no energy or care for myself.

I hope it comes back for you.

Nov 24, 2009, 12:44 AM

I'm feeling so down tonight........

first off, due to financial difficulties, mom's house we will have to get rid of the cable, internet, and the keyboard (as in: this instrument) which geez, are the only 3 things I actually enjoy about that place aside from my kitties. Oh sure I at least have the internet and stuff over here at dad's, but it is getting increasingly hard to isolate myself with the pup around. Well, that was one of the points for me... but still it is more difficult dealing with the feelings associated with that then I anticipated.

On the same note, I am so sick of my step-dad. I hate him, he's a passive-aggressive-stealth-attack jerk.

Part of the reason I felt so crappy was that I had nowhere to go, I didn't want to be over at my dad's because it's not like I could hide away in my room like I like too, and no way would I want to stay there. I had no where to go, they wont let me go to a friend's without knowing even if I managed to get a hold of one, I'd go outside but I hardly know where I am ...and even then where would I go?

I'm hoping I can somehow spend thanksgiving with dad, because as of right now I have to go back there for the holiday. I honestly do not want to go over there... because I'm anticipating my step-dad giving some speech about being thankful for all the things in our lives etc. (it IS thanksgiving) and everyone else thinking how awesome it is when in the back of my mind I'd rather repeatedly hit my head against the wall then listen to his BS but if I say anything then woe is me as I'll be torn asunder. They know how I feel, I've told them before it even came to this point but they aren't very respectful of that. One day they'll push me to the breaking point and they'll wish they had given me some respect. They do not understand me, they want to understand me, but they simply can't... when I can I try to explain myself but they don't understand that even when I put it as simply as I can. I guess I'll just do my best to survive the day with my anger and sanity in check.

I want to talk to someone... not write in some journal for my T to read weeks later, but to actually communicate with someone in real time. Usually I go to PC but lately when I go here for help nobody even respond and it makes me feel like I've pissed everyone off and they're just giving me the silent treatment out of spite for reasons I don't have any freaking clue. I can't really talk to people offline either, for the obvious reasons.

just full of bitterness, anger and hurt at the moment at everyone.

lonegael · Nov 24, 2009, 02:02 PM

(((((Kaika)))))) The sad thing about people like that is that even if you get pushed over the edge, they will NEVER understand their role in that. You'll be the only one hurt. Sorry this is such a rough time, and I hope that you are able to pass through thanksgisving unscathed. The we can all be truly thankfull. Let us know as soon as you can how it went, OK? And that sucks about the computer

Hugs.

Pomegranate · Nov 24, 2009, 02:37 PM

((((((Kaika))))))) I hope you survive the holiday with some sense of sanity. You can PM me anytime. Please try and take good care of yourself over this very stressful time.

Nov 24, 2009, 07:02 PM

I'll make sure to keep you updated on the holiday

Sometimes I think to myself that I'm an adult and I should be able to choose who I want to spend what holidays with, but then again I'm still very dependent on my parents so I don't think I really qualify as an adult yet.

I keep on thinking today is Friday, when it is only Tuesday... oh well

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