not even worth a title

Since I have become addicted to pc I have to post this. But please don't worry about me. If I make just one more person feel bad I should just stop living right now! So don't worry. I'll probably get out of this somehow. I just need to vent. By now I've become to know that these really bad moods eventually pass.

Today I feel like the biggest looser of the world. My family's financial situation is going down the drain and I can't seem to get off my *** and do something about it.
Sometimes it's hard to forgive myself for being depressed or avoidant.
I just feel like a coward and a lazy person. I don't know what to do. I hate myself for this. I can't help them when they need me. I am young, healthy and smart. And my mum has to support me right now.
I do web design on my own but depression has been interfering with it a lot lately since I am not able to work properly. I get paid when I finish the job so right now I'm struggling to finish a project. But it's not a steady job. I'm a freelancer and I don't know when I'll get the next project. Every source of income our family had has become to die out in the past year or so.
I hate myself for not being able to leave this damn house and find a proper job until this blows over. I love designing but I would rather be doing some crappy job and support my family! And yet I just sit inside my room. Or complain to my friends. How can I be so damn worthless??!
Why am I not like everyone else? Why even the slightest set back throws me into a full blow depression. I always back down, feel insecure, feel I am not capable of doing anything, feel so scared. I am tired of being this weak.
My mum has a stupid job that takes a lot out of her. She's 51, I'm 25. I'm supposed to help her. I can't even take care of her when she gets home. I'm a selfish idiot. I just wish I could die. But because it's too hard to live. Again I'm trying to quit.
I don't know what is going to happen if I can't snap out of this. My dad has been unemployed for a few months(not sure how many) and he hasn't been able to find a new job. He goes to all this interviews while his looser daughter stays at home on her computer.
If I would be working everyday on sites and stuff it would be ok. But there are days when I don't do anything but play some game.
My mum is the only one who has a paycheck right now. She was talking to me about how she hates her current job but she can't quit it 'cause then we wouldn't have any money. And at the beginning of the next month if she doesn't quit she'll have to sign a one year contract or even longer (not sure). She comes home so tired and "brain dead" from work. If she has do to do this work for a whole year how I could I ever forgive myself?
And I felt like dying. I fell so guilty. I'm supposed to be in her place. I want to take care of them. I am so useless. Such a screw up.
After talking to her I went to my room and did what? Watch some anime episodes!!! How can I be so out of it. So stupid. So lazy. So ****ing unrealistic!
I'm tired of finding excuses for myself. Oh I can't work today, I'm in a low mood! I hate me today so much! I wish I could kick my ***. How am I going to get my family out of this? Sometimes I'm not even able to care for myself!
I have very low coping skills. Life's little troubles bring me down. I hate all these things about me. I don't want to be like this anymore. God if there's a god out there somewhere please help me! My family needs me. I don't want to let them down like I always do.
So let's say things are headed for desperate town. So what do I do again? I start to cry and write this sappy post instead of working on the site I have to finish. GOD DAMN IT!! I am a complete looser. I don't ****ing deserve this family, this life, my friends. I should just slap myself and go to work! I am a complete moron.

This is so stupid. I remember saying on this site somewhere that we all deserve good things(and actually believing it)! Right now I feel like I don't deserve anything! How can I be so contradictory?

Don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone is going through difficult times now. After you read this post, log off PsychCentral and get on with your work. Take care friend!

Me too
I should be doing more. I bear with you

That was one of the most creative pieces of self-flagulation that I have ever read. Seriously. I understand (who wouldn't) how badly you feel.

I wonder. If you had put that creativity into your website, you might have gotten it finished. I'm not trying to be cruel. But, your self-criticizing is self-serving. The piece you wrote is serving to justify your inaction. Why don't you save the energy, stow your emotion away, and look at the project. Try not to think about pressure or anything emotional. Simply work. If you allow your mind to succumb to all those fears, you won't be able to concentrate on the project.

What is the one thing that you have control over? Your dad? Your mom? Your mom's job? The future? It's your project. So, work on it. Your fears have no purpose.

Fear: F = future E = events A = appearing R = real

You have no idea what the future will bring. You can, however, be assured that if you finish your project, money will come.

You can do it.

Hey. I can completely relate to feeling so worthless. But I have to point out that while you are a part of your family, you are not directly responsible for your parents successes or failures. Seems like they are adults, just like you, so they have to be responsible for themselves. Yes, you all live together, so there is some shared familial responsibility there, but you cannot take the burden of your mom having to stay at a job she doesn't like.
Are you contributing to the bills?
Working is hard sometimes, most especially during depression and regardless of good intentions, sometimes its just impossible to find the motivation to do something, anything. Its part of the definition for depression. And fears are also hard to get past. Just saying that they have no purpose doesn't really make them go away. Most fears are irrational. Shi# most of the things I have problems with are completely illogical and I know that, but I am still struggling to make the tiniest increment of change. Sometimes just saying everything that's stressing you and bringing you down is helpful. Maybe getting it all out with help and you will be able to move forward right away. Maybe not. Either way, you are not worthless. Things will change. Maybe even for the better.

Lhmt ....... Do you really believe all that crap .
If you do believe it , it will do nothing but cause you a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering . Depression is putting these words in your mind. I'm not a very good role model when it comes to advice on depression but I certainly understand the thinking patterns.
All that you can do is try to find a way to beat this. Some people are better than others at finding the right things to do to at least make you feel better about yourself. I hope you get on with your project and try not to pay too much attention to all those negative labels that depression has brought to the table . Use positive words , like ," I can do this , I know I can . " The degrading yourself because you feel you are not living up to other people's expectations is not a good way to tackle depression. Depression loves it when you do this , that means it is getting the best of you . Only YOU can beat this . You will receive help from others and support . But it's up to YOU .
I believe in you . Believe in yourself.

Hi, lhmt ~ it's me again. I am so sure that I know how you feel. I can't get myself to do even the basic things, and I don't know what happened, because, until recent years, when all the stressors hit my already-existant depression at once, I was the competent super-achiever. Now I am curled up on the bed, and it takes essentially a fire in the household to bring me alive. I understand your feelings and the procrastination of your project, and your shame at not helping your family right now. It's as though something [depression] takes hold of me and will not let me do these things. I know the above responders are right, but just wanted you to know that there are 2 of us in that same boat. billieJ

((((lhmt))))

I am sorry you are feeling so down. I hear what you are saying and I validate how you are feeling. I know how depression lies to us and how it can stop you right in your tracks. It has a way with doing that and it cares not who it touches or when.

Sometimes when I feel so low, I have to stop and breath. Knowing that I hold the key to what I believe and what i listen to. I know it is hard and when you feel so worthless (what depression does), is when you need to reach forward and defeat the very thing that holds you.

You say you do not have the energy to do your page, well, take the energy you wrote this post with and do the same with your project. Before you know it, you will complete it. Then you will feel a sense of accomplishment.

Start with the little steps and work a little each day. When the depression rears its ugly head and it will, just do what you can. Take a break. And come back again. Before long, you will be able to do what it is you want to do.

I do not know your circumstances, but why do you have to take care of your family? Contribute, yes, but it does not all fall on you. There are things you can control----what you do, right now, today. For yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come, but today is here.

I just wrote a letter and I opened up and just wrote. I did not read it until the other day when I was with my health mentor. I was reading it to her and as I neared the end, I began to really realize how bad I was feeling and how negative towards myself I was.

Even though I really felt the words I wrote, I cried at the thought of how low I was. She challenged me to write about the positives in my life and what I do have. I know how depression pulls you away from everything. And if we continually listen, it will keep us in its grips and pull tighter until we can no longer see anything good.

I do understand how you are feeling, and I do hear you. I hope you will keep reaching and trying. In giving up we gain nothing. With each time you try, you take a step forward, even a baby step. You may stall for awhile, but do not quit.

We are here to listen and support you. To validate and walk with you. But you have to decide that you want to beat this. And you can. We are here for you. We care. Please care too. You can do this. One day, one minute, one second at a time.

Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts.

dps

Hi everybody. I am more grateful for your kind words than I could ever express! Thank you so very much.

I have to say that while pc time was 05.22 PM, my time was about 01.22 at night. The only response I read before going to bed was ADHD1956's and it was actually the reason I went to bed. It was a tough night for me but I just kept thinking that the sooner I go to sleep the sooner I can start work in the morning. On these kind of nights I just can't sleep and have to "distract" myself for a really long time before I finally feel exhausted enough to just drop dead on my bed. Last night I had to face my fears instead of trying to forget about it and try to go to sleep without the numbing ritual.

I managed to wake up in the morning about 9 or 10 am. I opened the computer and went to pc again. Where all your posts made me cry. But in a good way. They gave me the strength I needed to just work and not complain. So read those, logged of pc immediately and started work. In the end there wasn't that much left to do for today since I had actually done a lot of the work on Friday, but I was feeling too overwhelmed to see it. So basically I was freaking out over something rather stupid. I think the main thing that sent me into that black hole was the realization that my mum needs me. We were raised to think that we should always take care of each other. I don't care that they are adults that can manage their own life. I want to give back everything they gave and even more. It doesn't matter if I have to or not I just feel this way about them.
It still bothers me that right now I'm not sure I can, but compared to last night I am feeling better. At least my work doesn't seem so scary and I'm trying to tell my self that I can do anything.

Again, thank you to everyone. I think your posts(all of them ) have helped me overcome this so much faster that I would usually do. Thanks to you I am less fearful today and I'm beginning to get some hope for the future.

i should be doing something good too for myself and my family. but i still cant. i am so disappointed at myself, and i feel really bad cause i cant make my parents proud. im 25 too and i actually just graduated, im the idiot who spent 7 years in college non-stop! it should be a 4 year degree. the only job that i've had is a shopclerk/cashier 6 days a week 6 - 7 hours a day, im doin it cause i thought i need to do something better rather than doin extremely suck in college, but it turns out i skip lots of classes & more failed subjects than before because im too tired doin the job, then i quit after a year and go back fulltime to my sucky college. now, i am jobless and dont know what should i do next. im not a smart person, i cant do anything right, lack of knowledge, what i do everyday is watching tv sleep eat nothing important. hope we can find a way to be better