[iskm12]

Today I finaly looked reality in the face and realized that I am truely alone in the world. No one knows me. What am I capable of? I could tell you but then I would be put in a place of weakness. My parents trained me to be someone Im not. They want me to be normal. But what defines normal? I want to be my true self, but what would that monster do? People say they are my friends yet none of them I can approch and tell them what is really on my mind...
I dont even know who I am anymore??? Someone once told me that people like me never change and that we only evolve... is this true, have I become something truely dark and terrible? I fight these eruges and I try to find someone to talk to. Someone who will stand by me through the storm that rages around me. I thought I found that person once... but I was so wrong. They riped me apart and made all my thoughts and beliefs about people come true. I lost the one friend I thought I knew.
I have no one to talk to, although I try to talk to my parents. But I think I scare them. They know what I am. They raised me and there for they know that they had to pick their battles carefully. I cant live like this anymore, all I want is one friend, a person who will try to understand me. A person who wont run from the first bit of darkness I show them. I need someone who will listen and wont crucifie me for crying.
All I have now are my journal, half of which I dont even remember writing, Im usually sitting in a tree over looking the sea watching the waves crash on the rocks below. There are many times were I just want to jump and let the sea take me to a new place. But my writing it interests me, I want to know who I am. Can I change? Or is there no hope?
I dont expect anyone to be my friend, or even care. How could a person dare? Im not looking for 'Im sorry' or 'I hope you get help' I have heard it all before, and I even tried to get help but they always put me off. They dont want to deal with a person like me. I understand this. My mind and thoughts scare even the strongest of people. I understand that I am a person meant to have no friends, no family, no one, and yet it is the only thing I wish for. Perhaps I only need a partner in thought...
WHO AM I????
WHAT AM I????
I AM ALONE AS IT SHOULD BE!

[turquoisesea]

well written (((((((((((((((iskm12)))))))))))))))))))))

I feel like I hide my true self too - a LOT. That the second a negative part showed itself my friends left me. Part of it was that I was so giving I attracted friends that were only interested in receiving, not in giving.

I don't know where you can find that friend you seek. But I do know you can post here, you can pm too. Personally I won't run from you at the first sign of darkness.

It sounds beautiful that you can sit in a tree with waves crashing. BEAUTIFUL. I'm glad you're safe and have a journal to get feelings into.

I know it's hard to know yourself if you've been hiding it for so long. You'll find it if you keep trying

[jensasweetie]

I know you may feel alone but we are here for you. Please post away. Even though I am new I KNOW we will all join together to help as we can.

HUGGS !!!

[In_The_Darkness]

((((((((((iskm12))))))))))

Feeling alone in this HUGE world is horrible. It may not make you feel better by saying this but...you are not alone. We are here for you.

Don't know what else to say, so i will send you some hugs as well!

[Berries]

You aren't alone here. Please keep posting and sharing with us, iskm12. We won't run from the dark side.

[billieJ]

((((((((((((((((((((((iskm12))))))))))))))))))))))))). Please feel free to PM me if you want. We want you to know that you are not alone. I, too, was raised to be "normal" and my family cannot accept me any other way. I have no friends, as they all think I should be "normal". Can you go to a mental health center and get a case manager. Case managers can be pretty good company, as they are trained not to judge us. I will not judge you, if you would like to correspond with me. You are not alone, so long as you keep posting here. ~ billieJ

[Pomegranate]

Being brave enough to seek the answer to the question "Who am I?" can be the start of an interesting journey for you. It will be the start of you liking yourself, because as you find out who you are, if you don't like some part of yourself you can always try to change that, to be the person you want to.

But more important is simply finding out who you really are and accepting yourself, feeling free enough to just be you. Some people will like you, some people won't. Sometimes that will cause you pain, but the joy in finding people who do like and accept the real you will compensate for that. Finding out "who you are" will be an exciting adventure full of ups and downs, but I believe in the end you find it well worth the trip. Go for it, don't give up, and you have us here to talk to and support you as you go.

[saqabub]

You are lucky you have some place to run away to. My parents are divorced and I hate sharing my feelings. No one on this earth is evil and especially not you.

[Berries]

Originally Posted by Pomegranate

Being brave enough to seek the answer to the question "Who am I?" can be the start of an interesting journey for you. It will be the start of you liking yourself, because as you find out who you are, if you don't like some part of yourself you can always try to change that, to be the person you want to.

But more important is simply finding out who you really are and accepting yourself, feeling free enough to just be you. Some people will like you, some people won't. Sometimes that will cause you pain, but the joy in finding people who do like and accept the real you will compensate for that. Finding out "who you are" will be an exciting adventure full of ups and downs, but I believe in the end you find it well worth the trip. Go for it, don't give up, and you have us here to talk to and support you as you go.

[lynn09]

Hello, (((iskm12))). If you don't mind me asking, when were you diagnosed with DID (MPD)? Are you currently seeing a therapist? Your disorder is not easily understood by most people - they just can't relate, so friendships are going to be difficult for you to establish and maintain - but not impossible (by the way, true friends are rare even among the so-called "normal"). You do not deserve or have to be alone in this, iskm12. From what I understand, psychotherapy is very beneficial for people with DID - are there any DID support groups in your area? Of course, all of us here at PC will gladly provide you with whatever support you need and we can provide. But, you really do need to connect with people in your real life to provide more immediate support, guidance, and consolation. As for the remark someone made to you about people like you just evolving and never changing - we all evolve - evolving IS changing. It takes great courage to honestly look at the dark side within yourself and acknowledge what you find there - but this is the very same thing that we all must do in order to be able to seek the appropriate help we need - and believe me, EVERYONE has some darkness in them. If we do not know ourselves, how can we expect others to know us and understand what help we need?

I hope that you are receiving appropriate psychological counseling and guidance - a therapist can be a great resource of support and information, and they are trained to help you understand your DID and develop skills to manage it. If you are not receiving treatment, then please do so as soon as possible - you might even want to show your therapist your journals to help them better understand what you are experiencing - it is not necessary or prudent for you to deal with this all by yourself. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

[justfloating]

((((((((iskm12))))))))))


The first time I saw a counsellor about my depression, she told me I wasn't alone. I didn't believe her. She repeated it every time we spoke, but I never believed her. What did she know? She wasn't me, she didn't know how horrible I was, and how there was nobody -- nobody -- who could understand or help me through this. I was completely and utterly alone, and some therapist telling me otherwise wasn't going to change that. But she kept saying anyway, every time I saw her, until I came to expect it whenever I went. And I don't know ... somewhere along the line, I realized she was right. I wasn't alone. Not in my illness, and not in the world. It just took me a while to be able to believe it.

I have a feeling that it's going to take you a while to believe it too, but I'm going to tell you until you can tell yourself: you are not alone. I hope one day you come to see that too.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Pomegranate

Being brave enough to seek the answer to the question "Who am I?" can be the start of an interesting journey for you. It will be the start of you liking yourself, because as you find out who you are, if you don't like some part of yourself you can always try to change that, to be the person you want to.

But more important is simply finding out who you really are and accepting yourself, feeling free enough to just be you. Some people will like you, some people won't. Sometimes that will cause you pain, but the joy in finding people who do like and accept the real you will compensate for that. Finding out "who you are" will be an exciting adventure full of ups and downs, but I believe in the end you find it well worth the trip. Go for it, don't give up, and you have us here to talk to and support you as you go.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

well written (((((((((((((((iskm12)))))))))))))))))))))

I feel like I hide my true self too - a LOT. That the second a negative part showed itself my friends left me. Part of it was that I was so giving I attracted friends that were only interested in receiving, not in giving.

I don't know where you can find that friend you seek. But I do know you can post here, you can pm too. Personally I won't run from you at the first sign of darkness.

It sounds beautiful that you can sit in a tree with waves crashing. BEAUTIFUL. I'm glad you're safe and have a journal to get feelings into.

I know it's hard to know yourself if you've been hiding it for so long. You'll find it if you keep trying

[lonegael]

((((iskm12))))) Welcome! You can be sure of one thing, dear: here you are no monster (and I seriously doubt that you are IRL) Maybe together we can get some ofthose lies you've been taught by depression straightened out, and unearth the person, or perople, you really are. It sounds exciting, but difficult. Keep posting, and hang in there

For me
I am when I am, whoever I am. So who am I!?!

That's all I have to share.

[iskm12]

Im not depressed, if anything far from it, I am able to keep myself content, happy, but yet alone at the same time. I know I dislike people, but at the same time I wish to make myself want to be with people. My job makes me interact with people all day, and I get so frustrated that these dark thoughts start to fill my mind. Theres nothing I can do to stop them. And my doc says medication is not an option for me. And then there is my therapist, she just recently asked me if I truly wanted to get control of who I am... I was so appalled that she would even ask me this, she has seen my journal and my writing, she has talked to me in person, she knows what I am capable of. She knows that I fear that if I get pushed too far that I will act on these thoughts. I can tell you of the thought because I know they would scare some. I also understand that every person has what I like to call 'The Dark Passenger' one side of them that just seems diffrent and dark. People always tell me that the dark one is nothing to fear, but with me, violence has always been apart of my life, it helped me to survive. But now 'The Dark Passenger' is getting out of control again. How am I to stop it from taking over completely, you see I am an artist, but if it where to take control my art would take a turn for the worse, as in my mind my art would be a master piece but in the "world of the normal" it would be a crime. I can walk through stores and think of everyday things that people use as something worse, something dark. I dont even think about it really, its just there. I once tried to think of things bright and happy, butterflies, bunnies, the sun, but it drove me insane. Im not saying Im crazy, I just dont like those things. Dark things fasinate me. The Nazi(not a supporter), corpse, blood, murder.... Who Am I? I know exactly what I am, I just what to kill it. How can one kill the soul, all my life I have been trying to kill the soul, but I grow weary. As one of my helpers says, 'your soul fights for your freedom.' but I fear I have none. I do not mean to say that people cant change, but people like me change for the worse, we grow into our thoughts and erdges. Its like a teen age boy, his sexual fanticies dont go away, he grows into them. He become one with them, makes them as true as possible... What is happening to me???

I dont mean to scare anyone, and if I have I am truely sorry.

[iskm12]

It so hard to be raised as a normal person when I am not...
And I dont even know what a case manager is...

[trevorzero]

At some point, most young people will come to realize that their parents may not necessarily have very much to offer them. This is a process of maturing and growing. So just let your expectations and hopes for your parents not be important to you anymore.

I understand the darkness that is inside you. That's simply who you are and there is nothing wrong with it. There are other dark people in the world that you can come to know. Seek them out, carefully. You will find your friends.

[shezbut]

[quote=iskm12;1171645]Im not depressed, if anything far from it, I am able to keep myself content, happy, but yet alone at the same time. I know I dislike people, but at the same time I wish to make myself want to be with people.... Dark things fasinate me. The Nazi(not a supporter), corpse, blood, murder.... Who Am I? I know exactly what I am, I just what to kill it. How can one kill the soul, all my life I have been trying to kill the soul, but I grow weary. As one of my helpers says, 'your soul fights for your freedom.' but I fear I have none. /quote]

In my opinion, most of us struggle with very dark thoughts from time to time. Depending upon what's going on in our lives, we may spend more time pondering the darkness & wondering why on Earth we're so fascinated, yet troubled by these scary thoughts. I certainly don't "get off" on cruel, dark thoughts. I don't.

I have had strong temptations to act upon ideas that pop into my head. While I'm awfully tempted, I also recognize that it wouldn't be a "good" idea. I'd be killing myself, or at least scaring the heck out of innocent people. I can't allow myself to do that. I hate the strong temptation pushing me to act upon the desires, but I force myself to keep moving.

Focus upon something else. Call a friend and talk about unrelated stuff. Those thoughts will wane for awhile. They'll come back, and push them off again. In the meantime, talk with a counselor about your thoughts & experiences. If your current counselor isn't helping much, perhaps you should seek another. In the very difficult times, going into the hospital is the only thing that does help. If you find your thoughts becoming more dark, overpowering and exhilerating, you need to seriously consider getting some extra help.

That's my experience anyway. Best wishes to you.
Shez

[lynn09]

Originally Posted by iskm12

Im not depressed, if anything far from it, I am able to keep myself content, happy, but yet alone at the same time. I know I dislike people, but at the same time I wish to make myself want to be with people. My job makes me interact with people all day, and I get so frustrated that these dark thoughts start to fill my mind. Theres nothing I can do to stop them. And my doc says medication is not an option for me. And then there is my therapist, she just recently asked me if I truly wanted to get control of who I am... I was so appalled that she would even ask me this, she has seen my journal and my writing, she has talked to me in person, she knows what I am capable of. She knows that I fear that if I get pushed too far that I will act on these thoughts. I can tell you of the thought because I know they would scare some. I also understand that every person has what I like to call 'The Dark Passenger' one side of them that just seems diffrent and dark. People always tell me that the dark one is nothing to fear, but with me, violence has always been apart of my life, it helped me to survive. But now 'The Dark Passenger' is getting out of control again. How am I to stop it from taking over completely, you see I am an artist, but if it where to take control my art would take a turn for the worse, as in my mind my art would be a master piece but in the "world of the normal" it would be a crime. I can walk through stores and think of everyday things that people use as something worse, something dark. I dont even think about it really, its just there. I once tried to think of things bright and happy, butterflies, bunnies, the sun, but it drove me insane. Im not saying Im crazy, I just dont like those things. Dark things fasinate me. The Nazi(not a supporter), corpse, blood, murder.... Who Am I? I know exactly what I am, I just what to kill it. How can one kill the soul, all my life I have been trying to kill the soul, but I grow weary. As one of my helpers says, 'your soul fights for your freedom.' but I fear I have none. I do not mean to say that people cant change, but people like me change for the worse, we grow into our thoughts and erdges. Its like a teen age boy, his sexual fanticies dont go away, he grows into them. He become one with them, makes them as true as possible... What is happening to me???

I dont mean to scare anyone, and if I have I am truely sorry.

Hi, (((((iskm12))))). I think it's obvious that your dark thoughts and urges absolutely terrify you - your fear being that you might evolve into someone who acts them out in the physical world. These thoughts and urges want to be expressed - perhaps the thing to do is find a way to express them benignly. I often wonder about some writers of science fiction and horror (Stephen King, Clive Barker, etc.) - like who would even think of something like that? - but these people do - and they are quite successful as evidenced by the popularity of movies and literature within that genre - which means other people enjoy reading and/or watching such books/movies. Perhaps your thoughts are SO intense because you are trying so hard to suppress them. Perhaps if you did express them through your art you would experience some relief - if you allowed yourself a benign form of expression, perhaps you would not feel so tempted to act them out.

There are also some legitimate professions that deal with such things in real life - detectives, forensic pathologists, forensic psychologists, criminal profilers, etc. The things that you seem to find fascinating are the very things that they must examine, explore, understand, and identify in solving crimes. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that perhaps the issue isn't just the thoughts and urges you experience, but how you choose to view them and possibly even use them - direct them to a positive outcome. Is this something you can consider - or am I just way off base here?

I agree that you may want to find another therapist if you don't feel that your current T is understanding you and isn't addressing your issues adequately. I hope you can find a way to deal with your dark thoughts and feelings benignly to give you some relief. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

[iskm12]

When I was fifteen I was locked up because of my writing and the illistations, while being locked up I managed to get my hands on a journal and it was there that I poured my darkness, saddly being in lock up is kind of like jail, you know with surprise searchs for contraband, well they found the journal I got into a lot of trouble, ever since then I have not written anything worth while or drawn anything. Im not saying I havent tried, but its not the same. As for looking for a job in the law area, blood spatter, mortision, ect. my parents arent willing to pay for the schooling, they say its too morbid and that it only feeds me darkness. My new T on the other hand thinks it is a good idea. She recently told me of a reasearcher Anderson Raine who has studied criminal in maximum security prisons and law inforcement workers, they have the same profile. She said after talking to me the three times we have talked that she believes I have the same profile, so now Im happy to say she wants to work on getting me to do good with this darkness rather than bad. She gives me little assinments to do when I leave which are helpful. And my parents are supportive, which is nice for a change, thing is I think they are hoping she 'changes' me so that I want to work with kids or something horrid like that. I think they are going to be in for a nice surpise. Thanks for all the suggestions everyone. I think Im on my way to something good.

[Berries]

Good for you iskm! I'm glad you found a helpful T and your work is satisfying you.

[lynn09]

Originally Posted by iskm12

When I was fifteen I was locked up because of my writing and the illistations, while being locked up I managed to get my hands on a journal and it was there that I poured my darkness, saddly being in lock up is kind of like jail, you know with surprise searchs for contraband, well they found the journal I got into a lot of trouble, ever since then I have not written anything worth while or drawn anything. Im not saying I havent tried, but its not the same. As for looking for a job in the law area, blood spatter, mortision, ect. my parents arent willing to pay for the schooling, they say its too morbid and that it only feeds me darkness. My new T on the other hand thinks it is a good idea. She recently told me of a reasearcher Anderson Raine who has studied criminal in maximum security prisons and law inforcement workers, they have the same profile. She said after talking to me the three times we have talked that she believes I have the same profile, so now Im happy to say she wants to work on getting me to do good with this darkness rather than bad. She gives me little assinments to do when I leave which are helpful. And my parents are supportive, which is nice for a change, thing is I think they are hoping she 'changes' me so that I want to work with kids or something horrid like that. I think they are going to be in for a nice surpise. Thanks for all the suggestions everyone. I think Im on my way to something good.

That's great news, iskm12!! So glad you found a new T who has a different perspective on the situation and can help you develop positive feelings about your interests and yourself, and explore so many worthwhile avenues for you to pursue in the future. As for your parents, give them time - perhaps as they see the positive effects this new direction your T is helping you take, they will begin to understand, accept, and be more supportive in the future. Wishing you the best for your future. Please let us know how things are going.

[lonegael]

Don't you love it when others want you fixed to fit their expectations of how you "ought" to be rather than helped to be able to live the life that is actually yours to live? I second all the others in their praise. Good for you! And I hope you keep that strength through all the turs and twists on the road you choose to travel