Thanksgiving alone again

It's the same every year. Well for the last 6-7 years anyway. See before my mom died my family always had big celebrations for holidays and birthdays. I have 12 aunts and uncles and about 25 cousins thts not counting the cousin's kids. Every time someone would have a birthday or graduation or just to even have a cookout we would go all out. It would take days to prepare for. Now since mom died, no one does anything. When they do I am not invited to it. Or told about it. So I tried to start going to my inlaws. They're nice people but we have'nt always gotten along. They used to hate me, call me names and threaten to take my child away. So I'll go over there but then I get very uncomfortable and paniky and leave. And spend Thanksgiving and other holidays alone. This is sooo depressing. I hate watching T.V. and seeing the commercails where the family is sitting around a big table laughing and crap. I used to have a family like that. It makes me sad. I hate being alone when everbody else is enjoying their family. Ugh sorry for the pity party y'all

Being alone and feeling unwanted is a very stressful combination. Years ago, a therapist suggested I volunteer during the holidays helping with meals for the homeless, at soup kitchens or with organizations like the Salvation Army. People do not judge me there. They are glad for the help. Just an idea.

Be well, thunderbear.

(((((Thunderbear)))))

I'm sorry that you are spending your Holiday alone. I am too...and it really hurts. I hear exactly what you are saying.

My family is having a big Thanksgiving, but they live out of State and I am the only one here. That is my choice right now though because of the realizations that my family, unfortunately, are not healthy people for me to be around. It still sucks!! I miss the family get togethers and when you become the black sheep squeaky wheel of the bunch, you're kind of the outcast.

Is there a way that you can start a new, positive tradition for yourself this Thanksgiving? Can you do something that makes you happy, like take a candle-lit bath or go on a walk to the market and pick up some pie just for you? If you're going to be alone...no sense letting the family ruin your Holiday when they're not even there.

This year, I decided to go to work. Usually I would do anything to get the Holidays off, but I figure that even though I will be working, I will be able to spend my Thanksgiving caring for others who may also be alone and are unable to make it home. Plus I will have my co-workers around me and I can have a Turkey dinner from the cafeteria.

Do something special for yourself....something out of the ordinary...and start your own traditions!!

You can do it....and I am there with you in spirit!!

Personal Opinion: Here is THE place for no-shame pity parties.

Thunderbear: Now since mom died, no one does anything. When they do [Who's "they?" Every one of those aunts, uncles and cousins?] I am not invited to it. Or told about it. [Is it possible at least a few others of those aunts, uncles and cousins are also left out? Can you find out? Could you link up with them?]

Sounds like your mom was the hub holding the wheel together. Is the whole wheel gone now, or are several smaller wheels coming together?

Thunderbear
I understand how you feel . I spent it alone too .
Those television commercials always show the happy good stuff. They never show you when uncle Bill got hit in the head with a turkey leg because he had too much to drink and
was making rude comments to the mother in law that couldn't control her sister's child that was bawling cause there wasn't enough ice cream.
It would be nice for a change though. lol

(((((((((thunderbear))))))))))

I've spent the last three thanksgivings alone because I'm in Scotland where it's not celebrated. It's the most depressing day of my entire year and I hate every second of it. I hate those happy-family commercials too, it just makes me miss mine even more. Same thing happens at Easter depending on how my semester schedule works out. Anyway, I don't have any advice but I wanted you to know I know how you feel and I'm sending you lots and lots of hugs to get you through!

Thnanks Rohag. They are my family. They all get together on Thanksgivng and Christmas. They don't tell me about it. Only one of my cousins don't go and that's because he's a drug addict and is very reclusive and don't like being around the family because they are hard on him for it. Plus he don't like me or any one else in the family. The reason they don't invite me I think, is because when my mom died my stepdad did awful things to me as far as her burial and funeral went ( he would'nt let me know when or where the funeral was, I had to read it in the obits) Well he told them a bunch of lies and they all got mad at me for a few years they would'nt even talk to me. When they seen that he was lying about all of it everything was just awkward with me and them. They have trouble admitting they were wrong about me I guess. But ever since all of that the only one that talks to me is my cousin (she's my bff) and my mamaw. And to answer your last question I'm the only one left out of everything. The rest of them are still together. My uncle made a remark a few years ago that was just weird he said "Chrissy can come to Thanksgiving she looks just like her mom it would be like having her here again" I'm sorry but that's creepy as hell. He was drunk when he said it but it still makes me feel weird.

hey thunderbear, you know, i never consider myself having another family other than my parents and brother. why? it just wont happen. some people just experienced that. i have two half-brothers, many cousins, aunts, uncles, but i never really meet or even talk to them. im like a stranger to them. even with my own family at home, we dont really spend times together, having sort of family day / vacation is a rare occasion. well this is just how my family goes. i know how you feel thunderbear, im here with you

Didn't do thangiving this year because of being in another country. when we do do it we try to find someone who is not able to get togehter with family at all and we have it together. Because we have had more and more non-American friends that fall into this category we have shifted over to the Christmas season for these meals and celebrations. Thank God we miss the TV comercials with the Norman rockwell families, etc. AAACH I think I'd lose it! Huggs!

How did it go T-Bear?

Did you start any new traditions?

My night was busy at work...but I enjoyed wishing all my patients a Happy T-Day....and the cafeteria put on a nice spread with all the fixins.

Hope you found something to spark your spirit!!

Thunderbear, thanks for your reply to my nosy questions. Your undeserved exclusion from your extended family is heartbreaking. Contact with one cousin and your mamaw is something, but those relationships don't help with the holiday.

I'm sorry.

Wishing you new and restored relationships to brighten this time of year.

Thunderbear,

I to spent an awful Thanksgiving mostly crying and feeling very very lonely. I live in another state than my daughter and knowing she was with her new in laws for the day made me feel very left out. Then when I went to facebook and saw all my cousins talking about how they were going to my Aunts for the day it just made it that much worse.

I to have always been "the black sheep" and our family get togethers on my mothers side have always turned violent. Vey dysfunctional family...and on my fathers side they just couldn't give a rats a## about me. I"m the last in my immediate family, as my brothers and dad died just last year. It was very hard to be alone this year and I know exactly what your going thru....

I like the suggestions here of starting my own tradition of helping others on a holiday when I'm alone. And just may have to find something just like that for Christmas. With the next biggest holiday around the corner, I sure don't want to feel like I did yesterday again. Maybe we can compare notes on what we plan on doing to help others this year? We can keep each other going?? I'm learning even far away friends can help each other thru the rough times.

Huge

Why Holidays Don't Have to be Happy
Here's an article from Medical News Today that gives five tips for more realistic holiday expectations, and a redefinition of what it means to have a happy holiday season. Thought it might be helpful for those of us who have difficulties during the holidays.

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http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/172229.php

Hi TBear,
I copied this article that Pomegranate put up and I think it's very helpful for anyone who feels more depressed during the holidays. Pomegranate have a very realistic approach in dealing with her depression and we could all learn alot from her.

I also don't like the holidays because my husband wasn't born here, plus he's a different religion. He doesn't mind acknowleging these holidays but he doesn't have a history with them. So his family obviosly dosn't celebrate them. Both my parents are deceased - lost my father when I was 2. I also have lost 2 brothers and I'm alienated (another story LOL) from my sister. I have one older brother but he lives 4hrs by plane. Since my father passed when I was 2 on Dec 18th, my mother always struggled with the holidays. She did her best, but there was this deep underlying sadness that as a child, I could sense. So holidays obviously aren't fun for me, but I have 2 girls and I don't want ruin it for. I don't want to repeat history and have them come on PC (LOL) when they're older and say "Mom was always sad on holidays".

I like what Elysium said about making your own traditions that your own children will want to carry with them. I also like Rohag's analogy where he states that your Mom was the 'hub holding the wheel together'. You have 2 choices to try to patch up thinks with your family or accept things the way they are and make your own traditions- while taking the realistic approach mentioned in Pomegrante's post.

I thnk this article is so true, that people want the holidays to be perfect, like what's portrayed on TV and in magazines. There's so much pressure for everything to be perfect and very unreasonable expectations - that are guaranteed to end in disappointment. I have very fond memories of Xmas as a child despite my mom's sadness - I basically got most of the gifts because I was the BABY -yipee!!! What I'm leading to here is -we can't dwell on the past of how holidays used to be. We can only have control over what's happening at this moment.

Your mom had the strength to be the center planner for the holidays, so now that you're an adult you can make your own traditions. It's okay if they're not as grand as your mom's. You can also try if you want to patch up things with your family but I still think you need to make your own holiday celebration.

I know some people who go to missions and help serve holiday dinners to the homeless. I've also heard of families that invite an elderly person/persons who has no family to have dinner. There's no set rule that says we must have the perfect family celebration on holidays.

One year before I had my girls I didn't even celebrate Xmas - it was a relief and saved me alot of money. Xmas has turned very commercial and that's sad. I think the holidays usually end up magnifying all the family problems and end up disappointing and stressful. If I were you I would create your own tradition and enjoy the holidays with your husband/children but keep it simple and relaxing. Don't compare it to the past or the false image that society portrays.

Hello Elisyum. I tried to go to my in-laws. Although they were nice to me, I just can't get past the things they have done so I had a panic attack came home took a diazipam and figured out limewire and got some good songs. Then I hung out at home. It was'nt bad. I went through some old pictures of my family it helped me remember good times.

Where was your husband and your son?

I hate the Holidays! I too am very very lonely and don't have anyone to really connect too!

Now I am already dreading Christmas! Actually thinking about it, I am ALWAYS FEELING LONELY and unloved. Like I don't even matter. So doesn't matter what day it is, although when The Holidays come around, it gets even more dreadful for me.

I go to Church and Pray and I feel like God doesn't even want anything to do with me!

Don't know how much longer I feel I can hang in here with these feelings. I am so depressed, hate myself, have alot of anxiety and fear! I am a mess!

Oh well, thanks for letting me put this down here!

Seamoods~

I'll join you in the pity party. I have a wife that totally despises me- the claw marks and black and blue on my shoulder attests to it- she went off on me wednesday night and i had to put up smiles on Thanksgiving- this is a crazy thing to say, but life seems simpler without involving more people in it. About 7 years ago i made a selfish decision not to marry someone who truly loved me and it has pained me ever since.

Seamoods, think of depression as anabusive husband who cannot tolerate that you have any contacts except for himself. God is big time on the#¤% list with Mr. Depression and he makes sure you don't get any messages from God, even when God get yours. Don't worry too much. God is still there, and working. You just need to get better to feel it again. It's like being temprorarily deaf for a while. Huggs! And Huggs again!
(((((Thunderbear))))) I'm glad you found a way to manage the holiday so that you can look back on it and say "It wasn't so bad." good for you! did you talk to your hubby about it? Is there something that you guys can change for next year so that tha will be even better? Huggs to all three.

Hey Michele. They were at the in-laws. I don't want to ruin their holiday. They like it over there.

Hi lonegle. We talked about having a late dinner on holidays for just us. We're going to try it on Christmas. We always have a big Christmas breakfast together. And if our friends can make it they come too

Thats a good idea Thunderbear. I bet it will be so much better for you.

Depressed yet selflessly devoted to your family's happiness -

I join Jerrymichele's approval of your idea to add a late family dinner event to your holiday celebration. You deserve a day that's not too full or too empty.