Quicksand

I feel like im sinking. Day by day just deeper and deeper into the clutches of a creature who's holding my leash. Nothing I'm trying is working and that only makes me sink deeper. My whole world went down the tubes in a matter of days and the only support I get is "get over it, it happens to everyone". I sit in this apartment thirsting for success and love, but find nothing but abandonment and a lack of understanding. Everyone around me thinks this is just something I can turn off and get back on with my life. Everyone thinks I'm making too big a deal out of it. People accuse me of not trying hard enough to find work. I have no support at all, no friends, no family that really understand. The one person who did understand me is also the catalyst that set me down this path. It's getting harder daily to find reason enough to motivate myself to do anything. I'm not getting better, I'm getting worse. It's so frustrating when you can see your emotions playing out right in front of your eyes but you're helpless to change them.

I had everything I could've ever wanted besides children and lost it all in the blink of an eye. How am I supposed to pretend that I'm not effected by that. How are we supposed to put on a fake smile while our insides are toxic. Why should I even try to get that feeling of love and happiness again if this is where I'll end up anyway.

Sorry, bit of a rant. I just feel very hopeless right now, and I get no support IRL so had to vent somewhere.

((((((((((A Long Ways)))))))))))

I'm sorry you are feeling so depressed and isolated. It’s hard when friends and family don’t “get it”.
Vent anytime. We are listening. We understand.

Hello, A Long Ways. Thank you for posting. We know about the way you feel. I just wish we knew more about how to help you escape from the clutches of this amorphous beast.

The only suggestion involves therapy and meds. If you are not taking meds or seeing a therapist, you might consider doing so.

Good luck.

(((((((((((alongways))))))))))))
i can related to how u feel...just could sending you virtual hugs...hope it help a bit...
hope u feeling better soon ...

I am listening and I understand. Hugs to you. Hang in there!

Thanks a lot guys. I'm just having a weak day, ever since I woke up. With all of this free time on my hands I have a lot of time to ponder issues that one would usually ignore. I'm coming to the conclusion I have so many open wounds that have been festering over the years that I never fully addressed. I want to write a post about it but I feel like it will be 2 pages long and nobody will want to read it. I know I need to get into therapy, I just haven't found a therapist I'm comfortable with yet (I've only met with one). I think I really just need a good friend right now, I just don't have any.

Therapy will be a good step. I also find myself becoming depressed when I'm not occupied doing something else. When I'm out with some friends or just simply not at home....I don't really think about much of anything and I'm content. However, I think over the past month or so I have come a long way. I used to cry when I was alone sometimes, just thinking about how bad everything is. Haven't cried in about two weeks---So I know I'm doing better.

It's hard when you don't have any friends close enough to share your feelings with. I'm in that boat with you. But these boards are a healthy way to deal with lifes issues. If you want to vent, feel free. People are hear to listen and offer some insight.

May i ask what happened?

I agree with the other posts =)

Well, one year ago today I was working a dream job. Involved in a serious relationship with a woman I was almost sure would be my future wife. Confident, happy, in control of my life (for the most part), and proud to be who I was. I had no problems paying rent, went out on a somewhat normal basis, etc.

Now, I'm unemployed, single after a painful breakup. I've lost all sense of self confidence or pride, nowhere near happy and my life is spiraling out of control. I'm going broke as I have no income and bills to pay still, and haven't been out for anything other than groceries and job interviews in a long time.

Basically, everything is the complete opposite of what it was just a short year ago. Not entirely sure how I let myself get here and definately not sure of how to get out of it. Like I said, I'm looking for a therapist, but the one I've met with so far I felt like I was intellectually superior to and it made it feel wierd to me. I hope I can find one soon because the deeper I sink the more issues from the past float to the top.

Thanks for putting up with me guys, I know I talk myself in circles sometimes but it really helps me to get this out.

(((((Alongways)))))) talk away. Sometimes I know I have to talk in circles until I find a chink in my logik and can break out. Besides, you can have a lot of advice here that might speed up the process. I think that what happened to you was really a good example of how fast life can change both with or without the help of this disease. What is certain is that alone, unsupported and depressed, you are having problems handling this. so don't worry about talking in circles. that's why we're here. Huggggs and I hope the clouds thin soon.

((((((((A_Long_Ways)))))))))

Finding a therapist you feel comfortable with may take a few tries, but once you find the right one it'll be SO worth it.

I know how hard it is to hear people telling you to "get over it" or "try harder". I also know how devastating the end of a relationship can be, and I'm sorry you had to go through that pain. Feel free to vent here, this is a safe space.

"Quicksand" sounds familiar to me. It pairs with "dead end"
I relate a lot. Great to hear you are trying to react. Good luck with the therapy.

A_Long_ways, go ahead - write your two (three? four?) pages. If you think it's too long, serialize it into several posts. As Lonegael said, don't worry about continuity.

This is the kind of exercise that could prepare you to make the best use of a therapist once you find one. And, if circumstances prohibit a therapist, working out your thoughts may give you the kind of insights that will bear new hope.

((((A_Long_ways))))

Thank you for posting and taking the chance to reach out. We are hearing you and we are listening. You have been through a lot in just a short time. Please continue to search for the therapist as that will really help you. Sometimes it takes a while to find the one you can relate to but it will happen if you stay persistant.

I am sorry you were told to "just get over it" or "try harder". I have heard those exact words many times and to hear those words makes it even worse. If you could just get over it you would have done that before you started feeling so bad.

Trying harder just really gets me. When it is all you can do to get out of bed and do what you need to do, that is trying. You are not just letting the depression swallow you. You came here and you reached out. That is a first step and a very good one.

Sometimes other people have no idea what we feel. They have not walked in our shoes and they have not tried what you have tried. Sometimes you have to take it with a grain of salt because they do not know what it is like.

With that said, you also have to push yourself sometimes as hard as it is. I know, I have to push myself everyday. Life can change in an instant and what we had can be gone. But there is another instant, another chance. As long as we are breathing there is another day to reach for what we dream.

I am sorry you lost your girlfriend. And your job. I know it is tough out there. Especially when you are used to making ends meet and then all of a sudden it is gone. But keep reaching and fighting. You are worth it. Being at the bottom, the only way to go is up.

Please keep posting and letting us know how things go. We are here and we care. And if you need to write go ahead. For me, writing is what I know. I have written some really long post so do not be afraid to write. We will listen. Please do something kind for you. You are worth it.

Sending gentle hugs.

dps

Thanks for all of your encouragement guys. I haven't been around the past few days to post, just didn't really feel up for it though I read your replies. I want to write my "long post" but I don't even know where to start hehe. Not to mention a little hesitation because its pretty much pouring out my life story to the world. Maybe soon. Thanks again for all the support.

I've found that just by talking/writing down an issue that I'm having helps me see it in a different way. I try writing in some form everyday and I find that in the process of writing and seeing everything on paper it starts making a lot more sense and I can figure out where to go from there.