seriously wrong

There is something seriously wrong about me. I am so ashamed to talk about it.
For the past several months, I’ve been taking the most part of my nighttime meds in the morning and sleeping all afternoon, 5 days a week.
I wake up take more meds and a few hours I am asleep again until I get up around 3am. Sometimes I do stuff in the morning, like errands & once a week a movie, and sometimes I make it to the gym.

Today the meds didn’t work and I didn’t sleep. But I lay there too lethargic to do anything except obsess and ruminate.

I think of stuff to do, like volunteer work, taking classes, reading a book… But I never follow through and do them.

A big part that keeps me stuck is my germ phobia and social anxiety and a huge part of it is lack of motivation and lack of ambition.

Why am I living like this and why can’t I stop?????? How can I stop?????

I am so ashamed. Please don’t judge me harshly.

Hi Berries!!

Maybe you are judging yourself to harshly. Everyone else, your friends like me, just want to help you to be happy - no judging, no shame involved, just want your happiness. You do not mention a Therapist. Are you seeing one? I think a Therapist could help you love yourself & your life again
Much Love,
Holmes

((((((((((Berries)))))))))))


No judgement here. I completely understand -- I've taken sleeping pills during the day so that I could just sleep. It's just so much easier to sleep than be awake and worrying, isn't it? It's easier not to have to feel that heaviness. Sometimes we'll do just about anything for a little peace.

I have no motivation most days either. I sit around thinking about all the things I should or could be doing and then I just ... don't. I haven't really figured out how to get past that yet, but I think it's definitely a step forward for you that you're being honest with yourself about all of this. The first step is admitting there's a problem, right?

You're not alone in feeling this way and there's nothing to be ashamed of. Sending lots of gentle hugs.

berries, you are not alone. i went through a phase of being addicted to sleep pills probably for about 4-5 years and i was just addicted to sleep. my life and reality didnt satisfy me and i was sick of being depressed all the time, i craved sleep when i was awake constantly. no matter how much i slept, i felt exhausted all the time. what made me stop was the fact that my unhealthy addiction to sleeping pills broke down my liver and my immune system, and i became very sick so i had to stop. to this day i am very unhealthy now and im so young but my body is broke i have scars all over my body from rashes and the itching never goes away. you dont want to let that happen to you!! it killed my self esteem im afraid for people to look at my in public and i barely ever smile i feel like i have no reason to anymore.
i replaced my addiction for sleeping, for an addiction to being awake. i drink so much caffeine now, as soon as i wake up in the morning i drink a monster or a 5 hour, then 3-4 cups of coffee and usually another 5 hour shot in the evening. when i sleep now, it is only a light sleep, and i dont crave sleep anymore, i crave caffeine lol. im not suggesting overdosing on caffeine like i do on a daily basis, but if you dont do anything you could make things worse for yourself. i mean honestly, and i mean this kindly, i think someone should take ur sleep meds away, u are abusing them they are not meant to be taken that often and for that purpose. please, please, get some help i wish someone took my pills away years ago i wouldn't be in my situation.
much love and luck <3

Your friends here would never judge you harshly Berries. You said one of the main obstacles is germophobia and social anxiety. Has your therapist recommended desensitization for the germ fear - this is the best way to get over this problem. I saw it done on Oprah once. The same thing can be done with social anxiety. You never should be ashamed of yourself, but you should tell your doctor how you're feeling - maybe they need to adjust your meds. Try your best to get back to your regular sleep schedual because the body really needs that and your body clock can get messed up. I hope you feel better and please don't feel ashamed

((((berries))))

No one is going to judge you. We support and care very much about you. I think there have been some really good suggestions here. Please be careful with your meds. Taking them at the wrong times is not good. Talk to your doc about this. Be open and honest with him. They cannot help you if you do not tell them what is going on.

I liked what justfloating said, the first step to getting help with a problem is admitting there is one. This you have taken a step in the right direction for yourself. Reaching out here was a good thing to do but you need to take it now to your doctor.

We care about you so my friend. We are here to listen and to be here when you need us. Keep reachng out and know we love you. Sending you many gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

Hi, Berries!

Even with meds and "practicing good sleep hygiene," every night is an adventure. Almost every day, sometime from mid-morning to early evening, weariness overcomes me and I nap despite my efforts to remain awake.

I'm curious: do you remember why you started taking most of your nighttime meds in the morning? What was going on several months ago when you made this change?

(((Berries)))
You are awesome.

Berries, I wouldn't judge you harshly based on this. If anything I admire you for being courageous enough to say this on the forums.

The only view change of you from this post is a greater understanding of the illness you face. This in no way shape or form reduces you in my eyes, you as a person are the same to me. I wish I could cure you. I wish I could cure myself and everyone else on these boards. But just because we're sick does not make us any less as people.

(((((Berries)))))

(((((((Berries)))))))) Hmmmmm. It sounds like you are depressed. Not much news, eh? I getinto the wrong rythym sometimes when it comes to taking my meds, then i end up like you do. Frustrating. Easy dear. ruminating just makes it easier for depression to convince you that there is something fundamentally wrong with you besides him. There's not, unless you're talking the phobias. sleep problems are way common. Huggs and good evening.

((((berries))))
You are way too hard on yourself and I dont know anyone here who would judge you, we are all in the same boat.
I hope you do take care with the sleeping pills because I, too, was addicted to them for 3-4 years and I went through hell with the withdrawal...The way you describe it, it also sounds like depression to me.
Take good care of yourself, we are always here for you, sweet berries

((((((((((((((((( Berries )))))))))))))))))))