(((ltlredvett))) ???

Why did you say in a post to Lady D. that your "time is running out?" I've seen you allude to this in a couple of posts, and it has me concerned. We care about you here!!! Your friend, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

Just have a lot going on..... a lot of things that are going to come to a head and not sure how I am going to handle them all.

{{{{{{{Peanut}}}}}}}}}}}}}} he's on a time table as I am it sounds like.

{{{{{{Vett}}}}}}}}}}}}} anytime you need to talk, PM me, ok? I'm right there next to you.

Mary Alice

Is it like (((Mary Alice/PLT))) said, (((Vett))), and if so, is there something we can do to help?!! Your friend, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

Peanut, you are a sweetie... thanks for your concern... I am afraid there isn't much that can be done at this point.... but your offer was very sweet any way.

FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT
http://members.tripod.com/~redeagle3...ulls/ress4.gif

Hi Vett: Aw, but when there's life there's hope, and always something that can be done... I know you feel a lot of pain right now, but you don't have to go thru this alone = really!! Keep talking to us, here, OK?!! We care about you, and you have a lot to contribute to all of us! Your friend, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

Peanut, you are so sweet to care. I just received an e-mail from my ex girl friend and it seemed so final. The thing that makes me so angry is that in the final analysis I think the loss of our love is so incredibly unnecessary. Clearly I had to get my depression under control or there was no way that our relationship was going to survive. But, she had issues of her own that she brought to the table. LOTS of issues, more than she would ever admit to. She was an enabler... did that AND STILL DOES that for her ex husband, did that for me. She has yet to finalize her divorce so she is in limbo. She has issues of self esteem that definintely interferred with our relationship in a very big way. She was too self conscious, not open.... held back.

The bottom line is that I love her enough to work through all these issues, do whatever it takes to salvage our relationship. WHATEVER IT TAKES. Because the way I figure it I was BLESSED to have her come into my life. Truely blessed. And God knows I had learned that we all have issues and demons. Most everyone out there that is middle aged and divorced and has been through a lot of BS is going to have issues. Looking for perfection will mean that you will wind up living a life alone. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to settle for just anyone either. But, I have been through enough to know I have it good when I've got it. And I had it with her. I just wished that she would see that. It may seem easier in the short run to bail out and start fresh. But in the long run you could benefit from working through your issues individually AND together and have a stronger, deeper love and a true committment. That is what I want. And I want it with her and no one else.

That is why I feel hopeless. Because there is nothing I can do or say to convince her there is nothing more in this world I want than to be with her. And, I really think that deep down in her heart she knows I have the potentital to be a lifelong partner for her. The best lifelong partner. I just don't know what she is afraid of.

If you mean that, and I believe you do, then you can't leave the earth, because then you won't be here if she comes to find that she feels differently, and want to turn back to you and the relationship; if she needs you and your not here anymore, than it isn't true that you would do ANYTHING, (including staying alive/surviving even if it meant a lot of suffering), right? I think that we don't ever know what is in the future, but that it is worth it to stick around and find out, plus, woman tend to miss something once they have lost it = seeing you move forward could be the best way to challenge her current feelings, right? Just something to think about... Your friend, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

Peanut, you are absolutely right... and I will tell you that I do get these adrenaline rushes where I feel that I can conquer the world. Just got another one after reading your post!!! Trouble is maintaining that momentum. And, you are right, if I get stronger and move on.... maybe, just maybe I can dmemonstrate to her that I am for real and that I love her, and that I would be good for her. But I am so afraid that I have lost her forever as she assumes things about me that are rediculous. Sigh....

I used to be afraid to run into her knowing what she thinks about me. But now I realize that is crazy. I have nothing to hide, nothing to be ashamed about. Sure, I am depressed but I am doing everything I can to work through that...finally, and I will. I don't care if it takes a month, a year.... 5 years for that matter. Because I know deep down in my heart that we are wonderful together. When we were "clicking" it was beautiful and even she can not deny that. That is something you can not "fake" it is a thing of beauty. I just think she does that to protect herself, or to convince herself that I am not what she wants or needs. But, I think she knows that I am... I mean really deep down, she knows that I am.

So, I will be strong. I will gently let her know that I am still interested in her life. I am going to get better. Keep busy. And just hope that one day she will come back to me. I WILL not give up on us. I will not!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to focus on what needs to be done, which may mean I will be posting less. But, I will come on at least once a day to let you know how I am doing.

litlredvet...

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through.

It sounds as if both of you aren't able to be in a place you both truly want to be. Perhaps right now you both aren't healed enough from past relationships? Who knows...

It is a good thing to keep busy, being busy has helped me in a lot of ways... at least I could be focused and felt as if I was able to do something, even if it was as simple as cooking something to eat or doing dishes or driving a kid somewhere. It made me feel at least useful so that I could be a little more ahead each day.

geekgirl....

Thanks for your comments. I am starting to feel better and I am more productive. Furhter, I have addressed a couple of sticky problems that have been lingering so that feels good to have them out of the way. My therapist thinks that once I start addressing the messes I have to take care of that my depression will lift. This is hte same thing that a former therapist said, but I changed as I don't think my last herapist was forceful enough with me. Admittedly I need a swift kick in the *** sometimes.

I am doing the best I can to keep busy. otherwise I would go nuts. And, when I am totally honest with myself I know that my ex girlfriend was not ready for a relationship either. She had all these issues associated with her marriage, self estemm issues and was in limbo. I guess what aggrevates the hell out of me is that she portrays the situation like it was 100% on my shoulders as a result of my depression. Well, I think that no relationship, especially one that is longer term is all that black and white.

Thanks again for your comments and kind words.

Nope... any long term relationship isn't black and white. Seems to me the dynamic is a little less black and white and a lot more gray. We both participate.

I'm a big believer in fixing yourself to fix a relationship... and if you don't fix the relationship... you've saved yourself and are happier for it. But, and here's the crux of the matter for me... starting relationships is so darn much fun... but the long term satisfaction is working it out. But where do you really draw the line and say "enough is enough, this is killing me... we each have our problems... and there are really three entities here... you, me, and the relationship?"

Oh my God the roller coaster will never end. Just received a very distrubing e-mail from my ex girlfriend. I was feeling sooo much better and was so very optimistic, now it seems that things couldn't get much worse. Sorry for the rolloer coaster all, I need time alone right now. Thank you all for your help and understanding.