Ltlredvett=How RU doing; Let us hear from you!!

Haven't seen you on in a couple days = hope you are getting along OK! Let us hear from you, OK? Your friend, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

Peanut...

Thanks for thinking about me. Actually I am not doing all that well, but haning in there as best I can. I know that my ex girlfriend and her family are out on their annual outing to a nice restaurant and park today. It is very lonely oday. I am just hoping to get through the day. I know that I need to get over this relationship, but you have to understnad that I was planning my entire future around being with her. She is wrong about me, I could of gotten over the depression and I am not the person she thinks that I am. With winter approaching it is only going to get ahrder. I just don't know what I am going to do just yet.

((((((((((((((((LRVT)))))))))))))))

How's the coaching coming ?

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

Coaching is over for the year, thanks for asking.

{{{{{ltlredvett}}}}}}

I've been thinking about you and hoping you are having a better day today. Just remember to focus on each day...try not to think about the winter...one day at a time will work great for you



Heather

Thanks Heather.....

I am glad yesterday is over. A big day for my ex girlfriend's family and I hadn't been alble to share this in the past so I was so much looking forward to it this year. I stayed in and I think that the stress of the whole day triggered a "cluster headache". These headaches usually happen in clusters (hence the name). The pain is unbearable, often compared to amputation of a limb without anesthesia. The good thing is that they usually only last about 20 minutes to 2 hours tops. Unfortunately yessterday I had one that lasted almost six hours. At least heat relieves the pain somewhat, at least makes it somewhat bearable for me.

The ramifications of this relationship unraveling are just coming to light for me. I was going to ask her to marry me once my depression was under control and I had finished cleaning things up in my life. She is hte sweetest, kindest woman and I miss her so much. I know that there are those on this board that give advice to put her behind me and move forward with my life. That is easier said than done.

I feel such an incredible sense of loss and the loneliness and isolation is unbrearable at times. I just don't know what I am going to do.

(((((((((((Hugs 4 ltlredvett))))))))))))))!!

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

LRV,

Hey, you have to deal w/things your own way... I know it's hard getting over the "right one"... the sting of the ending, especially when you're the one left, is enormous..... I'm sorry for the horse comment... I'm not usually that brash... believe it or not, I can really relate to your pain.... I think everyone is just trying to get you out of the slump..... Try to focus on the future more than the past.... hoping you start feeling better.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

I am still trying to sort out this relationship. On the one hand I really thought I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. And, I sure as hell know that I miss her. On the other hadn I did some nasty things to her when I was depressed to drive her away. And, she returned in kind with some nastiness herself (actuall lowered herself to extorsion). And, most recently she is accusing me of promiscuity based on some postings by someone with a similar screen name. It is absolutely insane. I guess in the long run it is for the best that we are apart. Seems like with both have our own demons to battle. All I know is that I may be depressed, I may have made some bad decisions, BUT I am not an evil person, or in nay way unfaithful to her as I loved her dearly. Still do love her, with all my heart.

Lrv,
Getting over a loss takes time. Don't be hard on yourself or expect it to go away. It's gonna take some time. I now it's hard not to think about the what if's or what should've beens.
I hope soon you will find some peace and can start focusing on you and your future but don't look too far ahead, just look far enough so you see hope.
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley

We care about you ltlredvett
The words that popped out of your post was that "I am glad yesterday is over" - see? you made it - mind you I am sure you were sad and upset but you made it! You will get through today too. Take it one day at a time and you will wake up one morning not as sad as you were the day before.

I am sorry about your headaches...I suffer with migraines myself and I understand how the pain can overwhelm you.

I can't remember (sorry about this) but did you say if you were on any meds? What about a therapist? Have you looked at those options yet? There are so many highly qualified people out there that can help you through this. Sometimes just talking about it to a neutral person who does not judge what we say makes such a difference. The weight on the shoulders doesn't seem so heavy then.

Please keep taking care of yourself as like I said earlier - we do care {{{{{{{{ltlredvett}}}}}}}}




Heather

Hi ltlvt,

First I need you to know that I really do hope you get better. Losing loved ones is really a hard feeling to deal with. I admire your strength in sustaining yourself... You have my prayers.

But, on the other hand, I feel I need to sound a little hard on you. Can't you just be a man, and let go of it... SHE IS NOT ALL IN YOUR LIFE...... there are many fine things in life, fine or medium women out there.... why do you keep on pending on this woman, I know she was (and she still is) important to you, but now she's gone, she made a decision with her life, she is making new changes (regardless good or bad, nobody can predict the future, right?). So, can't you just accept it, and do the same thing, move on with your life, man!!! SHE IS NOT YOUR DESTINY. Only you can decide how to live your life... Just move your eyes on something else, because you are literally being blind to other things and people. I strongly do not agree with you that there is no fine women want to be with you... If I were a man, instead of waiting for them draw favors upon me, I would work my butt off to make myself a finer man. You don't wait for them, you attract them...

I'm so very sorry if I make you feel bad by saying all these, and I'm sure nowheretorun didn't mean to hurt you either. I hope you do understand how others feel on the forum, that we see you as a member of this family suffering so much... As much as it's painful to you, it's the same with us... I really hope you stand yourself tall and strong, do something to turn your life around. I'm very confident about your ability, come here again when you need more strength, ok?

As a woman, I can tell you we, women, appreciate and adore much more when a man behaves as a MAN. We believe in men's strength. Tenderness and softness is also appreciated, but not in a stage as you are at... I might be wrong on this. Anyone can stand out and support me??

Besides, being depressive is not your fault, you didn't ask for it, no one on this forum did. What happened happened. There is nothing you can do to change, neither can she. Look into the light of your future... Because you do have enough power right at your hand RIGHT NOW to change, to do anything as you pleased... So does her... and she's already begun to use it, what about you?

Again, please do not feel offended, I just wanted to help, I've been reading your posts and feeling somehow nice words haven't had any effect on you... please take care, ok?... looking forward the day of your enlightment.

Sending the warmest hugs to you... ((((((((((Itlredvett)))))))))))

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.

Hi Itlvt,

I re-read your post to Heather several times. I just wanted to say something about "easy to say, hard to do" theory. I agree with it, and I often have the same puzzle myself, and I really struggle with it too. But again, I think this is where may be our mind power is emerging in. Out mind can send our heart opposite signals, which often confuse us on what to do, what to believe. But our mind, on the other hand, is such a thing that only believes in strength. This nature reminds me so much of horses. Horses often make us human feel inferior, not only physically. But if you ask any one has experience in training a horse, he will tell you the opposite. Horses only understand strength, everytime you got fallen off from their backs, you get back on right away, just to tell the horses you are the stronger one, you are the one in control, not them. And you know what, next time they will behave. As you reinforce this concept to them again and again, they will remember. Horses have very high sense and spirit (that's why I love them so much), they can understand human, I'm serious, and they are very honest and loyal. Often they have the same amount of fear to human as we do them, only difference is they can't speak (but I'm sure they must discuss about us to one another, "oh, this man is so strong," "no, he is an amateur"... ), and we have tools to discipline them too.

I guess what I'm trying to say is our mind needs to be trained too. When we confront with crisis, this splitting thoughts as our mind's first reaction need to be treated differently, the bright and positive side needs to be strengthened while the opposite needs to be weakened. How we control this, I think maybe using our spirit, faith, our willingness and desire to make things better, to just get ourselves taken care of. When you hear, see, and think more on the positivity, your mind will believe it, and begin to work towards it. But the mind has the same ability to do with the negative. It's a double-edge sword. You can't just let the mind go too free, because it will override you soon. Just like to free a horse on a vast grass land, they will run, it will be hard for you to catch them later, because that's their nature. In order to do it well, you got to think right and well first. If you manage to think in the right way, your action will follow up automatically and sub-consciously. I believe that the thinking and making beliefs is more important than just taking actions imprudently.

I don't know if I get myself understood, or maybe I'm just too damn stupidly optimistic. We all live our lives based on what we believe, don't we? But in my heart, I honestly and sincerely hope you find your way which makes the best for you, because I do understand what depression means...

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.

{{{{{{{{Toni}}}}}}}}

Yes hun.....I completely agree - "As a woman, I can tell you we, women, appreciate and adore much more when a man behaves as a MAN. We believe in men's strength. Tenderness and softness is also appreciated, but not in a stage as you are at... I might be wrong on this. Anyone can stand out and support me?? "

Taking control of your life is much more attractive than - please don't be offended- staying in the spot where you are. We have all offered you advice and support and it feels sometimes like we are on a treadmill.....going nowhere. I am hoping that you climb off and start to walk. We really do care for you to be well.


Heather

Toni...

I wish to thank you for taking the time to provide me with your feedback and your advice. It has taken me a while but I am really trying to work through all of this. And, your point is well taken I need to be strong... for my kids, to attract others to me and most importantly for myself.

Admittedly I am still grieving the loss of this relationship. And, as a result I really find myself totally alone for perhaps the first time. I guess up until now I was looking at being alone as something to fear, instead of looking at it as an opportunity. I am still afraid. Of what exactly I don't know. But, I know that it is important for me to take some time, serious time, to reflect... to discover who I am and what I really want out of the rest of my life.

I also understand that I entered this relationship on the rebound of a relationship that ended very traumatically. That was perhaps the worse thing that I could of done. My counselor just shook her head upon hearing this story. She said that the time immediately following a break up is a time of grieving, a time of chaos. We are in no position to be in a relationship. We do not have the ability to judge who we want to be with, we do not have the ability to give of ourselves totally and give the person what they need out of a relationship. She also had some comments about my ex girlfriend's situation which were very enlightening to me. You see my ex girlfriend has been separated for about 5-6 years or so. She had never went through with the divorce, according to her, because she didn't want to spend the money. In addition she had an arrangement to continue covering her husband on her health insurance and in exchange he paid for her car insurance. I never really thought that much about it, figured that a divorce is just a piece of paper and that the financial arrangement seemed to be a logical and practical approach. My counselor had very strong feelings about this though, very strong. She told me that my ex girlfriend was still in limbo and was in no better position than I to take on a committed relationship. To put it bluntly she said my ex girlfriend was a married woman sleeping with another man. I don't think she meant that to say that it was the same as a married woman that was cheating on her husband, I think the point was that she is technically still married. She told me in my case I had put closure to my marriage by getting the divorce. And that my ex girlfriend did not have that same closure. And, she even suggested that this may be one reason why my ex girlfriend never really opened up to me in our physical relationship.

The more I thought about what my counselor said the more it all made sense to me. I know that all I wanted was to put an end to my marriage, put it behind me, as painful as it was not being with my kids. My ex girlfriend has not put her marriage behind her and is using the financial arrangement as an excuse not to bring the marraige to closure. By allowing her husband to continue benefiting from her health insurance is continuing to enable him and is dishonest to her employer and the insurance carrier.

Toni, you had said that a man should be strong and be confident. I agree with that and I will make every effort to regain the strength that I once had. For a while I thought it was too late. That I had let too many things go on my path of self destruction. But, I know now that it is never too late. Even if it means I have to clear out every dime of my retirement nest egg I am going to clean up all my problems.

As much as women want a man to be strong, men want women of strength as well, women that are self confident and happy with where they are in life. Looking back on it now I can see that my ex girlfriend was not as self confident and happy with her place in life as she could of been. I don't say this to put her down in any way as I surely had, and have, a great deal of these issues myself that I need to work on. But, my ex girlfriend was always expressing regret over not going to college. I mean she is almost 50 years old, I think its time to get over it. She was enrolled in a part time program but dropped out due to financial reasons. I guess the point is, either finish the study or accept it for what it is and move on. The other thing is that she was very self conscious about herself physically. I always told her how great she looked. She is an attractive woman, no doubt about that. She thought that ALL men just wanted the young hard bodies. She was constantly wishing that she had larger breasts. I was ALWAYS telling her that she should be graetful not to be too large because as she aged gravity would set in and she surely would not be happy about that. Besides she was slim and attractive and a very desirable woman. I know that a great deal of her insecurity resulted from me pushing her away. I did that because I was so depressed and didn't want to burden her. When I was suicidal I simply did not want her to be in love with me if I followed through with that. But then she took that insecurity to the extreme and accsued me of outlandish things.

I guess I write all these things to sort this whole situation out in my mind. As much as I had, and have, issues my ex girlfriend does as well. Perhaps if we met at a different time and place things would be very different. But we didn't. It is what it is and I can change that now.

I do know that I still care for her VERY deeply. I would love to remain friends with her, but I don't know if that is possible, or even id that is a good idea. I guess if we were meant to be that we will come together again somewhere down the road. Its those times alone that I miss herdearly. There is so many more things that I wanted to share with her. But, I recognize now that I must once and for all take the time alone to become the best person I can be. Then, and only then, will I be able to give of myself and be a good partner, either for her or for someone else.

Thank you again Toni for your insight and advice. I really have to cut back on this posting as I need to invest my time getting things done. I will still post but certainly not as often as I have been.

Heather,

You are absolutely correct, I have been acting as if on a treadmill, actually have been for quite some time now. All I can say in my defense is that staying on the treadmill has taken a great deal of strength and energy. And staying on sure as hell beats falling off. Although, I know the fact that my mental and emotional state interfered with my relationship with my ex girlfriend. It was actually doomed from the start. Furhter, I think had I been stronger she would of reacted to me much more positively. I think that I brought her down and for that I feel absolutely terrible.

OK, OK... I get the point. I will stop being on a treadmill and move forward.....

Thanks for your suport, understanding, gentle nudging and the necessary kicks in the butt.

{{{{{{{ltlredvett}}}}}}}}

It was just a gentle tap on the butt with a soft shoe ...I can't even swat a fly

You are so right in saying how hard it is to stay on the treadmill and I agree about the amount of strength it takes. Take that strength and use it to your advantage.

What a great post of yours to read...good for you. Onwards and upwards


Heather

Hi ltlvt,

I felt comforted and somehow released when I see you replied with a long post. Cause you are in the process of healing, it starts with opening up, spilling it all out.. I didn't mean to judge you or anything of the sort, I was really hurt to see you kept on making yourself drown deeper and deeper... I just wanted to get you out. I respect your choice, and I highly respect your unreplaceable love to her. It takes a lot of courage to stick with one love and do not alter for whatever... You are a really strong man on this... I know you will find your way out at the least cost for yourself (financially and mentally, but money can be made again, to restore mental health is much harder).

What your counselor said made some sense to me, but I really don't know because I don't see the whole picture of your relationship with this woman. But it seems like the thing you need out of a love relationship, she can't give you. And do you see that she will be able to give you in the near future? If it's really a deadend, please try not to go any further... ok?

Thanks for being open-minded, and not get mad at my words. If you do need sometime to calm down and get some things done, we understand. We just wish the best for you... Please do come back from time to time, and let us know how you are doing.....

((((((((more hugs 4 u)))))))))))))

Best,
Toni

[i] What our mind can conceive and believe, it will achieve.

Toni

Thank you very much for your kind words. I just returned from a session with my therapist and I am now in a much better position to evaluate my relationship with my ex girlfriend and put it in perspective. I now know that she may or may not be the right person for me. But, what was certain is that we came together at the wrong time.

As I said in an earlier post my ex girlfriend was in a “limbo state” due to her unresolved divorce. One of the things I now realize is that she could not give me what I needed any more than I was in a position to give her what she needed. One of the biggest issues that I had with her was that it always seemed like I was much more integrated into her life than she was into mine. The vast majority of the time I would stay at her apartment and not mine. I can even remember returning to my apartment very late one night for her only to ask for me to drive to hers. At the time I was pretty upset about it, but didn’t make an issue of it. Now I see that it was symptomatic of a larger issue. She would RARELY want to engage in any activity with my kids. She would use the excuse that my kids were through enough and she didn’t want to complicate their life. Well, my kids met her, knew she was important to me and they always thought it odd that they rarely saw her. I mean my ex wife’s significant other really made the effort to be involved with my kids. Hell, he even attended my daughter’s softball tournament when my ex wife was out of town. To his credit he did that on his own, because he wanted to. I see now that my ex girlfriend was perpetuating this “limbo state”. She wanted me to be there for her family functions, which I did willingly because I very much enjoyed being a part of them. But, there was very little reciprocation. I think she liked being partnered at those events, or in general, but didn’t really want to integrate herself into my life. After dating for over two years I was ready to begin increasing the integration in our lives. It was a struggle “compartmentalizing” my life between my life with her and my own life.

So it seems that being with her only compounded my own issues of being “in limbo”. I didn’t want to be in limbo and I certainly didn’t want a one-way relationship. Funny how these things only become clear after you have a chance to step back. I guess this perpetuation of the “limbo state” was the very reason that she was unable to really open up to me. Granted I supplied a lot of reasons due to my depression. But, I now know that on perhaps a subconscious level I was becoming increasingly depressed because I realized that she wanted something so much different than I did. After two years it was time to move the relationship forward. I guess she never really wanted that, or was never really ready for that. Well, I for one have no intention of being there to keep someone company, or to be at functions so that they are not the only single person. I want a deeper commitment.

This is still very, very hard for me. Because despite everything I said I still have incredibly strong feelings for her. Still trying to work through those.

Good for you for being able to see all this about the relationship! It might not be easy still, but it makes a lot of sense, and see, it isn't all your fault like you used to think!

<font color=blue>Life is filled with tragedy; if you let it overwhelm you, you cannot enjoy life's innocent pleasures. -Robert Heinlein</font color=blue>

Rapunzel...

Yes, I guess that intellectually I can understant more of the dynamics in the relationship. Its still VERY tough though as I miss her so very much, and I still have strong feelings for her. I can't help but wonder if it would of been worth it for us to put all the cards on the table, maybe go to counseling together. I am not a quitter, I hate to give up on a two year relationship. I still love her very much.