Afraid

{huggles rose} yeah he wants to see me at least once a week. But he thinks he'll only be able to come to town every two weeks since funding is limited. He's going to talk to his supervisors to see what strategy we'll use on the DID. He said he didn't think I'd want it to go away so he's not sure what options there are. As far as DID go I want more peace and to gain co-consciousness. He wasn't sure what that meant. Like I said somewhere else already, his supervisors thought I was pulling a prank. To them I sounded like a kid and he compared what he remembered my voice as to the answer machine recording (I don't remember calling him was just like "oh okay I can make this work" when I got the forms in the mail) and each time I sounded like a different person/kid to him and his bosses. Right now I want to beat the depression. I'm tired of feeling like hurting myself. I'm tired of wanting to "end it all". I want to feel good and I want to experience happiness. So if he can't help with the DID he can at least help with depression right?

I say do the best thing you can do for yourself. If the depression is the worst thing, I would work on that first and then try to work on the DID. They may all be connected though. Foxy you are so strong. I know how nevrious you were about going and you did it! I am proud of you. Keep fighting the good fight!

(((((foxy)))))

Talked briefly to my T on the phone. He couldn't talk but he's going to call tomorrow when I get home from work. I'm feeling kinda broken and shaky and anxious and scared that he's going to say he can't do anything for me, or that I'll have to travel back and forth to the city 86 miles away which is in the total opposite direction from any of the businesses we go to to make it worth while going that distance. It's also the world's most boring drive EVER. There's nothing to break up the scenery and the only town that's between here and there is smaller in population than our small town. I'm just scared I'm going to not get the help I need and will have to be locked up for my own safety.

(((((Fox)))))

I do not at all thik you are going to need to be locked up. I know it is hard to do but try not to worry. Worring does not change anything it only makes it worse. You are strong. (((((((foxy)))))

{breathes} today I feel depressed. I want to do something bad. But I'm looking forward to Friday when I see the T again. I'll see him at 11 same place. I just don't know though. He asked if we're doing okay and if there was anything we needed to talk about. He's so kind. I don't know how to express myself and figured I'll just spend the rest of the week trying to figure it out. Maybe make a list if I'm motivated to do so.

After writing this out I feel like an empty shell. Am I dead?

Hello, I suffer from the darkness also.
You will want to research online for a FREE Hospital with FREE Psyc Meds.
Yes SamE, St. John Wort, B Complex, Caffine Pills, Kava Kava all can be temp solns, but it sounds like you may need the pharma level of meds.
Then I recommend step 2 building out your social support system, friends (free), Councilors.
Then maybe work with self help from the library tapes or books to ease the mental circular dark throughts. yes it can be a challenge however, your worth it.
Good luck, be well!

{clings to Rose and wishes there were more people like her}

Thanks LoneScout. Some how I missed your post.

I'm just starting now to see a volunteer M.A. counselor. He's not licensed but works under his supervisors licenses. It's a non-profit organization and he said there's funding available for certain illnesses so we just have to find one that fits and there won't be a charge (or very small) since I don't make much money at all (about $200 a month until things pick up at work). I live in a VERY rural area so finding groups like this is few and far between, but the state is very good about getting people help when they need it since there's not a lot of people and even less that seek help except in the two main cities of our state. I just didn't know about these things.

I have 2 friends I talk to every day. Without them I don't know where I'd be now. I don't really know how I survived without them.

I got a CBT workbook and am "trying" to work in it every day. So far it's like once a week that I remember it xD. I'm having a hard time concentrating and staying on task with it though.

Thanks for replying Scout. I really appreciate it. You're a good person

Sweet Fox - none of us want to be miserable, and lots of us are afraid there would be nothing left of us if the misery was gone. I'm so sorry that you are suffering. Wish I could give you a big hug and make you feel better.

{hugs EnglishTeacher} I wish my wonderful logic would shut up the stoopid feelings again.

I'm listening fox...

{clings to Rose and wishes there were more people like her} Thank you for the compliment. I wish you lived by me!

I am glad you cam talk to someone for cheap or nothing. Even though he is not licesed you still get to talk to someone with training ((((((((foxy))))))). I am glad you have two close friends, it really does help out. As for the book you are just learning the nwe skills, it will be easier over time.

I just hate emotions I don't have any. They're gone again I think. I can't handle them. How does anyone deal with negative emotions on their own? I'm so used to shoving them in a box and putting them away when they pop up that I can't deal. I freak out totally and think it's the end of the world lol! I'm such a nut case.

{huggles teacher} thank you so much for being a friend to me. I wish I could put thoughts into words maybe then I'd be able to cope better? I dunno. I'm off for work now seeya when I get home!

{huggles fabulouse rose} it's so true though! Maybe you should move here instead!

Time ebil time. It's my enemy {smashes the clock and hopes to stop it} I love the challenge of learning new things, but at the same time I want to see instant results ><

have a good day at work fox - maybe something good will happen today? Keep us posted because we all care for you.

I'm so tired now. Dad wants me to go to the post office and check the mail but I want to just sit here and do nothing. My whole body aches. A few minutes ago I had a burst of energy. The sun is shining for the first time in weeks. It's just really nice out. Now I just want to take a nap.

Work was okay there wasn't a lot of business but there was a funeral today so a lot of the town was at that then probably having lunch at the church or someone's house or something. At any rate they weren't at our cafe lol!

I'm feeling so socially challenged. A friend is upset today and I wanted to comfort her but don't know how. She told me what was on her mind and I just said "it'll be okay" or something like that. But I know she doesn't like those words cause what if it's not? Whenever people talk to me face to face I just totally zone out on them. Sometimes it's like I'm asleep even. I hate this, I want to do better at listening but I dunno. I'm just defective I guess.

Even if your friend did like that phrase and bet she really appriates you listened. Sometimes thats all people need. Stay strong my foxy that roxies! foxy

I went to the T's today. I was super depressed. I'm usually depressed but nothing like this. I had triggering thoughts and couldn't shake them. He wanted to get me put into the hospital but I refused. It's not that I don't want help it's just I know my parents would be mad if I did. I dunno. I'm so confused now.

(((((((((((foxy)))))))))))))). We would your parents be mad. Foxy if you think you need to go you should. I don't want to see anything to happen to you. I love you too much. You are very strong and you know what you need to do to keep yourself safe. Take everyone out of the equation and focus on what you need to do to get better. Be safe, please. I am here for you.

I talked to mom last night about it. She said if I go to the hospital saying the S word they'll put me in a 72 hour lock down and if I'm honest with them at all they'll lock me up in the psychward till they felt I was safe to myself and society. She and my brother said I'd never get out when I'm ready. So now with that looming over my head I can never go to the hospital.

I hate this.

((((((((((((((foxy)))))))))))))). I am sorry. Do you see you T again soon?

{clings} Next Friday.

((foxy))