[Rupture]

I'm severly depressed and I know it.

I scored a 56 on that depression quiz on this site to give you an example of where I am at.

I have a medical background and will be furthering that in medical school this fall so i am well aware of the difference between having a bad week and actual depression.

I don't sleep more than four hours a night and that is never uninterrupted.

I seem lately to be on the verge of crying for no reason about 50% of the time.

At work - all I want to do is go home. I hate talking to people or even having them notice me. I just wish I could be invisible.

I'm always on edge. For example - there is a girl who keeps coming by to use my stapler and it's taking all of my energy not to tell her to get the hell away from me.

I seem to be flipping back and forth between wanting to hide in the closet or screaming at everyone to go ***** themselves and leave me alone.

My goals lately have been to go the day without having to make a sound and to stay at work the entire day. I just want to go home. I can hardly keep myself from telling my boss that I don't feel good so I can leave and just crawl into bed and be silent.

I'm anxious, overwhelmed and feel like I am walking on a tightrope.

I feel lethargic. I know my speech and thought process has slowed. I am in a perpetual state of "blah".

I have trouble looking people in the eye and have lately picked up the habit of cringing or shying away from people - which is totally uncharacteristic of me - or at least of who I used to be.

I can't focus at all at work and have actually gone for days not accomplishing a shred of work. I mean - I sit and stare at a computer screen some days just opening some previously completed work and pretending I was working on it.

I'm not really sure why I am posting this. I know I need to go get help - I also know that I probably won't...

[Hope4me2]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{[rupture}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
so sorry your feeling so down..........



your not alone I too am fighting depression right now and it s*cks big time.............just keep posting and get your feelings out it does help to VENT

[Rupture]

Thanks. I am hoping the posting might help. I know I can't keep existing like this. I also know that I have to do something before medical school in the fall.

I can't tell my parents - they are sort of old-school and my mother will just tell me to suck it up. My father just will not understand.

I can't even imagine what my brother might say.

I have this huge weight on me and for all my efforts it is not getting better. I have distanced myself from almost everyone I know.

I used to be so different than I am now. I was confident. Fun. Courageous.

I think part of this is post-traumatic stress - I responded to the attacks in NYC on 9-11 and have not felt totally okay since then. I used to love to fly - took lessons, had my license and everything - now the thought of being in a plane scares the hell out of me -- but I have to keep up appearances of course- so as usual I sit and smile and pretend everything is just f*cking great.

Part is that I didn't get into the medical school I wanted and settled for something "less" - yeah I know - school is school - but I really wanted to be able to give my parents that letter that said, 'Congrats you have been accepted to ...." Since I have felt like such a failure for the past bunch of years. (Please do not tell me about how I should be happy I got into any medical school or anything along those lines.)

Part is that I am 33, changing careers, about to go into serious debt...

I feel like I let everyone down - my brother is gay so I am pretty much the only shot my parents have for grandkids but I'll be in school forever so how likely is that...

I was married - got divorced - never got over that- not so much because of him - but because I felt horrible my parents spent all that money on a wedding and it was wasted then helped me pay for college on top of that. Of course I know they don't mind and they are proud of me - at least that is what the logical side of me knows... But we're all here for the same reason - so you can understand what I mean when I say I "know" I am a huge failure.

That logic side of me is an interesting thing though. If I were someone else looking in- but priivy to what I think and do - I'd say I was on the verge of having an eating disorder and/or being an alcoholic. I'm neither though - mainly because I would only see it as being a greater failure and letting everyone down even more.

No matter what I do it isn't good enough -- at least that is how I see it. That logical side tells me that no matter what I do- my family and friends will love me and support me - but that other part refuses to accept that.

Right now I guess the best way to put it is that I am at the climactic scene in the movie of my life - where we find out which of the two sides is going to win...

[kimmydawn]

rupture, hi and welcome! it's good to have you here. life sounds really rough for you right now and i'm sorry.

one thing that stood out about your post is...it's sounds like you have a very good understanding of what's going on with you. you have pinpointed it and examined it. i have a question for you...can you use those same skills of insight and reasoning to help yourself? you have awesome insight. use that same insight to figure out the help that you need...whether it be therapy, meds, yogo, etc. just a suggestion? i SO wish i have the insight and reasoning that you have. i think i could help myselves better.

gl and please let us know!

kd

[Rupture]

Hi Kimmy and thanks for the support.

It's a mixed blessing - being able to see what is going on with myself so clearly. Imagine being super hungry and then realizing that all your favorite foods are suddenly right in front of you... Then you also realize there is a sheet of unbreakable glass between you and the food - so while you can see it, and smell it and are sooo close to it - you just can't reach it.

What is worse? Not seeing it or seeing it and not being able to reach it...?

There are three parts to me - one which feels like a complete failure, one which feels like a complete failure but does everything in its power to not let anyone see any sign of weakness - and the other part that sort of sits with this bemused smile and wonders how many times the other two parts got dropped on their heads...

The problem is the last part - while a strong foundation - tends to be very quiet and gets lazy - letting the other two parts run freely - only popping out long enough to do minimal damage control.

So it might be nice to be able to recognize the problems and causes -- and even the solutions- but it doesn't mean anything if they seem to be always just out of reach.

[kimmydawn]

your analogy is a good one. i appreciate your stand on that. i also understand. which leads me to say this...the unbreakable glass is preventing you from reaching the nourishment that you need. is it now time to bring in a third party to help you with life's nourishment until the glass is removed and you can obtain the food on your own?

kd

[Parker10]

Hi and welcome ! I think Kimmy has posted a wonderful suggestion about a 3rd party. Since you are so intelligent, and have such insight , that 3rd party might be the way to get "unstuck". Good luck to you - and if medical school is heading to you being a Doctor - in whatever field - you will be awesome !

[Cbminor]

I am suffering through short periods of depression constantly. The reason they are short is because I know how to cure depression naturaly, without drugs, or other crap. It is different for everyone though. You must first find the source of the depression, most often it is emotional stress. If you fear things, you must not let them get in the way, concentrate, and focus on other things. Secondly, believe it or not, but laughter really cures depression, it works for me every time. Do not be shy about laghing out loud. Go to the internet, there is a lot of hilarious pictures and jokes or stories that will make histarical. Thirdly, try doing something fun, it does not always have to be expensive, you know yourself more than i do, do the things you enjoy most. if you do not like the job you have, take some time off, find another. If you dont have the education, think simpler that you will still like. See, because there really are only two states that you can be in, happy or depressed, and betwwen is a scale. black for example being totaly suicidal and white being absolutly happy and different shades of grey in between. Now this is a black and white example, and just like a rainbow all the emotions and the actions that you do due to the state you are in is like different colors. There is a huge difference between mood and emotions. Emotions a variable, which is dependant on mood and an action that whether happens physicaly outside or you think of it. Now mood, is a variable that depends on your average fun-meter scale in the past few weeks or days. If you do more things that you enjoy, rather than the things you dislike, you would in theory be happy (actualy this theory is backed up by a few experimants, so it is a good theory) And vice versa. Every person has different things that entertain him, and you have pick things that entertain you most. Is it violance, humor, friends, family, sex, food (not a good one), traveling, and so on. Analize youself well, and know what you want. And later on, if you know who you are and what you like, it will be easier to find the right person to love and be with, because she should be very similar to your characteristic, and belive me it will not be boring if you have a person who is very similar to you. If you want to discuss this deeper, please reply, I would love to discuss.

[cat_eye]

medical school? awesome...wish I had the courage/work ethic to do that! Anyway, welcome to the forums! I'm sorry you're feeling crappy...perhaps a third party will help...I hope tomorrow will be a better day for you. *hugs*

-Carolyn

[Rupture]

Kimmy-

Hi again.

I think the problem with finding a third party to help is that as a rule I am pretty private - I find it very very difficult to get into my personal life with people - even very close friends. it makes everyone crazy how carefully I guard my life - folks that know me joke that I'll have "I don't want to talk about it" inscribed on my headstone-- they are probably not too far off base.

I know it is not th healthiest way of coping - and apparently has not worked all that well - but I have gotten annoyed with friends who ask what I did the night before - let alone some person who really wants into my psyche...

[Rupture]

Hi Parker.

I admit - while it isnt that I don't trust people - I just don't trust them to handle my personal information -- let me explain --

I have serious issues about feeling like I let people down. I hate showing weakness or fault. A perfect example was when I was taking Microbiology in college. I had a 112% average or something ridiculous like that in the class. My professor told me he could not exempt me from the final because I would be the only one and since I did research with him - he did not want anyone thinking he was playing favorites. He did tell me that I should not worry about studying but focus on my other classes since I could get a 12 on the final and still end up with an A..

However- I could not deal with the idea of not getting a good grade. I was convinced he would think I was an idiot so of course I studied my as$ off for a test I didn't really even have to take.

It's rather ironic- but I would feel terrible telling someone about my problems because in a way - I would feel like I am letting them down too. I know- ridiculous - but its how I think...

That's a huge snare in getting help for me... Seeking help only makes me feel worse.

[kimmydawn]

oh, how i understand that! just ask my therapist

thing is, rupture. unless you start feeling better you may have to push that "comfort zone" issue of privacy. i've been there and still deal with that every single tuesday.

result? my quality of life has been improved beyond my wildest dreams.

it's all within your control and capability. maybe it's time?

i wish you the best of luck.

kd

[Rupture]

Hi Alex-

I actually have a very good sense of humor but lately I just can't seem to get it together. I have a blog I write and normally I am pretty easy going an animated - even when I had an ovarian cancer scare I was able to keep things lighthearted and joke about it... Lately though I just can't seem to do that. I never erase comments people make but one post where I was explaining something that happened - someone tossed out a lighthearted comment and I just couldnt handle even reading something that was probably supposed to make me feel better so I deleted it. Any comments that had "LOL" or things like that got deleted as well. ..

[Rupture]

Hi Carolyn

Thanks for the support. It means a lot to me that you folks have taken the time to write in this thread and I really do appreciate it.

While I still am feeling pretty crappy - there is no doubt that had I not posted here and had you guys as a sounding board - I'd feel even worse.

So tons of thanks to all of you. Hopefully I can return the favor at some point.

[Perzephone]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Rupture said:
I don't sleep more than four hours a night and that is never uninterrupted.

I seem lately to be on the verge of crying for no reason about 50% of the time.

At work - all I want to do is go home. I hate talking to people or even having them notice me. I just wish I could be invisible.

I'm always on edge. For example - there is a girl who keeps coming by to use my stapler and it's taking all of my energy not to tell her to get the hell away from me.

I seem to be flipping back and forth between wanting to hide in the closet or screaming at everyone to go ***** themselves and leave me alone.

My goals lately have been to go the day without having to make a sound and to stay at work the entire day. I just want to go home. I can hardly keep myself from telling my boss that I don't feel good so I can leave and just crawl into bed and be silent.

I'm anxious, overwhelmed and feel like I am walking on a tightrope.

I feel lethargic. I know my speech and thought process has slowed. I am in a perpetual state of "blah".

I have trouble looking people in the eye and have lately picked up the habit of cringing or shying away from people - which is totally uncharacteristic of me - or at least of who I used to be.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You just wrote a pretty good description of what I'm going thru, too. Especially waffling between NEEDING to be at work for my mental health & NEEDING to run away from work for my mental health.

It's so rough. Hopefully, we'll both get through it.

{{{{{{rupture}}}}}}

[ogette]

I am also struggling with depression, and I could have easily written parts of your post, if only I was as articulate as you...

just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in your struggles

I wish you well,
Jan.

[Rupture]

Hi Perzephone

Thanks for the hug.

I'm sorry you can understand what I mean - because it means you are feeling how I do and that bites - so hugs back to you and the rest of the folks here.

Today my challenge is to avoid everyone at work.

My last day here will be the 19th and then I have a week off before I leave for med school. I told my boss who passed that tidbit on to everyone.

I know she didn't mean any harm by that- but now everyone is coming up to me and asking all sorts of questions - where I am going etc...

I HATE that. I just narrowly escaped that conversation when I went to get a cup of coffee- and only by saying my mother was on the phone - which - if you think about it- makes as much sense as waterproof toilet paper. But I couldn't stand the idea of having to explain my personal decision to people.

I think that characteristic of mine is probably one of the HUGE factors in why I am so depressed. I fear telling people things because I worry what they will think - that they might think I am a failure somehow or that I let them down... So I just avoid telling people things about me..

::

[Rupture]

Ogette-

Thanks for the support - I'm sorry anyone has to feel like this.

it's nice to find a place like this forum though. When I posted intially - I was a little worried about the reaction I would receive. I kept thinking - maybe I sound to harsh - or cold - or stupid - or (insert any adjective along those lines).

It's especially nice for someone like me who cant talk about this sort of things with friends or family. it isnt that I dont have friends who would support me - I just couldnt stand the idea of thinking I let them down somehow... I'm sure soon I will be worrying I let you all down too... But for now- I can't express well enough what a huge difference this is making.

I'm sure we have all have heard how the best way to really understand something is to teach it - hopefully that logic applies here and that the best way to overcome our own depression is to help someone else over come theirs-

if this is true- you all are certainly on the way to feeling better - I know I am. You all rock.