I'm sorry, Im really really sorry.

I'm sorry for taking up space in the forum, Im sorry for everything. It's back.Not fully yet, but I can feel it. Everything Is triggering. I feel like such a stupid naeve kid. No one stays happy, God and the afterlife aren't real, nothing lasts forever. I'm 15, I shouldn't get my hopes up like that. But then again, Im incredibly stupid and dumb. I don't deserve to be happy, and I shouldve remembered that. I won't ever be helpful, and I can't have children. I WONT!! I won't risk giving them depression too. And having such a useless mum would trigger. I feel maternal as well. I'M 15!!! I'm not meant to be maternal. But I'm just messed up badly. I'm useless, damaged goods. I'm so pathetic, I feel terrified right now, I feel like a baby. For ten minutes Ive just been thinking; "someone please help me, don't let this happen again," over and over. How stupid am I?! I suppose Im just posting this to vent. I should give up now, depression is the only thing that will ever take me.

No_longer_sane, times like this, when everything is triggering, are the times you -- and everyone who feels like you -- are the MOST WELCOME here.

don't give up nolongersane. You are worth a lot to those of on PC.

No_longer_sane,
Funny. At 16 I'm having those same maternal feelings. I've had that same despair of love and children. I've had those exact same thoughts about happiness, God and eternity.
But you said it yourself. Nothing lasts forever. Not even these horrible feelings. Not even this oppressive sadness. Not even this depression which weighs you down and sucks the life out of your spirit. You felt better. Believe that you can feel better again.
What's going on as far as help? Last I remember you were going to a doctor...? What became of that? Are you getting what you need to carry you through this? You are worth it.
Have some hope (It's free! Just requires a little care.) We are young. Things can still turn around- they can always turn around.
You're in my thoughts, No_longer_sane. Hang in there.

We went to the doctors to get me checked out for ADHD, and I wanted to tell the doctor when my mum wasnt there, but they said they would get in contact but haven't. I'm so stupidly weak, I dont think Ill be able to survive if it happens again.

I've been where you'e been emotionally, I'm sure we all have at one time or another. I can assure you the afterlife is real.

God and the afterlife is real - a key is to BELIEVE, the more you believe, the more it is to exist, it is also called FAITH, and so also believe in yourself, and that you can get over your depression(s), and also believe you can stop degrading yourself like that, so like yourself, believe you are like-able, that you have like-able qualities. Enjoy some hobbies, interests; enjoy this life while it lasts, you can only live it once. Of course easier said than done I know.

(((((No longer sane))))) I'm so sorry you're feeling so awful right now, and this is the right time for you to reach out to others here and in your real life for the consolation and support you need. Depression is not a "punishment" inflicted on the unworthy - it is an illness, just like the flu or diabetes, etc. - and it must be diagnosed and appropriately treated and managed just like any other illness. All of the negative thoughts and feelings you are experiencing are merely symptoms of this illness.

Since your brain chemistry is actually altered during depressive episodes, the way your brain functions is altered and, therefore, your perception of yourself and everything else is altered, as well. It's almost like the positive part of your brain has shut down and only the negative part is active. In order for any of us to maintain realistic perceptions of anything, the negative and positive have to both be functioning in order to be balanced. If the positive part only is in control, you end up with unrealistically high hopes and expectations; if the negative part is in control, your perception of yourself and everything else is unrealistically pessimistic - all doom and gloom - which can cause you to demean, belittle, and berate yourself.

Life is not about whether or not you or anyone else "deserves" to be happy, successful, etc., but rather what each of us NEEDS to be healthy, balanced, and productive. Just like you need proper rest, nutrition, and medications in order to recover from the flu, or special treatment to manage a chronic medical illness, depression must also be treated and managed with appropriate rest, nutrition, medications, etc.

You do not punish yourself or others for catching a cold, or the measles, or having appendicitis; neither should you punish yourself or others for having depression. I know that most likely were a friend or family member of yours demeaning and berating themselves just like you are now, you would do all you could to comfort, console, encourage,and support them. This is what we can help to do for you here on PC; this is what family, friends, and medical experts can do for you in real life; and this is what you need to remind yourself to do for yourself during these depressive episodes, as well. I have a little saying that I always try to remember to say to myself during the really tough depressive episodes, "Depression may be my nemesis, but it will never be my master."

By learning what to expect during depressive episodes, developing techniques for coping with the overwhelming negative thoughts and feelings, and getting appropriate medication and other medical and psychological support, you will be better able to manage your depression and even decrease the intensity and duration of these episodes. Be extra gentle with yourself right now because that is what you NEED to get through this crisis and manage your illness. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.lynn09

No_longer_sane, you would never talk about another as harshly as you just talked about yourself. If you do not look after yourself, who will? You are your champion. Get up and start anew. And know this Community values you and only wants the best for you.

((((NLS))))

Oh, my friend...please do something soon to free yourself from this! I'm so thankful for you and please, please get better!!!

Post soon and let us know how you are doing...

Thanks everyone I just feel soo tired of life, and Ive given up. There's no hope for me now, so sorry for posting this thread.

(((((NLS))))) Please don't give up on yourself, and you have no reason for apologizing for posting this thread - this is what we're all here for. I know you're tired and frustrated, but you have nothing to gain by giving up. Is there someone IRL you can talk to right now? If not, perhaps it would be a good idea to go to the hospital and let them provide you with the care and support you need right now. You need to rest - it takes a lot of mental energy to deal with your present situation. Please hang on and give yourself the opportunity to get the help and treatment you need. Everyone here is pulling for you, NLS.lynn09

(((((((((((((((((No_longer_sane)))))))))))))))))))))))))
It is not to late. Please, do not give up.

I'm sorry, it just really hurts bad, I didn't think it was possible, but it's worse than before, unbelievably worse. I just want to- (can't say on here)

You just want to get back up and into the fray. Stuff happens. Stand tall and get on with getting better.

Know you are important to so many here.

(((((NLS))))) Just like physical injuries, emotional and psychological injuries need proper care and time to heal. As a physical injury heals, scar tissue or extra bone develops at the site of the injury actually making that area stronger than the surrounding tissue or bone. This happens emotionally and psychologically, as well, each time we weather a trauma or crisis - but it does take the proper treatment and support for these "inner" wounds to heal properly and for us to become stronger as a result.

Please keep posting about what you are feeling and experiencing - let that pain out and allow us here at PC and those in your real life provide you the support you need so you can heal and become stronger and healthier.lynn09

I'm SO sorry about everything!!! SO SORRY! Listen, I feel like I've been through the pits of hell. I've somehow gotten through that for the most part, and I can say that life's better. Life is so much better. I am your age NLS, and everything just becomes more managable as the days go on. Just talking to people helped me a LOT. Just keep posting, you'll get through this!!!!!
Hang on to happiness and just please stay with us!!

This is so childish of me, but Im scared. I have never been so scared in my entire life, I'm so scared that it hurts. I just want it to stop. I want the pain and the noise to go away, it just hurts, I just wanna make it stop and I can't. I have no future- no children for reasons I explained, I'll never get with someone because I'm broken, Im stupid worthless damaged goods, and the depression is never gunna stop. It will always come back.

I'm sorry that you are still struggling so, (((NLS))). I don't think you're being childish - severe depressive episodes can be absolutely terrifying and overwhelming - every negative emotion and thought magnified to the max and engulfing you. I have dealt with depression almost my entire life and over the years have learned a few things to help me cope that I will be glad to share with you.

First, try not to get depressed about being depressed. This only magnifies and intensifies your negative emotions and thoughts. Also, don't try to do directed thinking during this time because your perception of everything is skewed - you can't trust your thoughts, so don't worry about what may or may not happen in the future, just try to stay focused on the here and now and dealing with your present episode.

Get yourself comfortable - comfy clothes and environment - take a warm bath or shower, hold onto a soft pillow, wrap yourself in a soft, warm blanket like a hug - do everything you can think of to make yourself feel safe, then relax. You can't stop the emotions and thoughts running through you, and the more you fight them and try to push them away, the more intense they will get. Try to be still and quiet; just let your feelings ebb and flow and gradually they will begin to ease a bit. Do some deep breathing exercises and other relaxation techniques.

I know that it's difficult for you to think about doing self-care, but that is what you need to focus on right now - care for yourself and help yourself to weather this crisis. It does get better, NLS, but in time with the proper medications, treatments, and self-education you can learn to manage your symptoms better. Be patient with yourself - this isn't going to happen overnight, but you can start this process tonight. Keep posting - release the pressure of those emotions inside. We'll be here to listen and support.lynn09

NLS, the noise will go away! I think you need to get a good night's rest..then have a good breakfast. And then watch some tv or something nice...
But I wish I could get you out of this depression!!!!

YOU DO HAVE A FUTURE!! Every second counts...
someone will love you for who you are. everyone @ PC loves you..so why wouldn't anyone else?
you are not stupid/worthless or any other negative thing. you are wonderful.
look in a mirror and just tell yourself that you're beautiful. for me? please?

No_longer_sane, I absolutely refuse to belief that balderdash you have been typing. Sorry you are scared and that you hurt. Even so, you are my friend and you are among friends that care a great deal about their friends.

Life can be so hard at times. Breathe. Talk to us. Remember you are human. Just do not stop caring.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go on. You cannnot change the past, but you can live today.

((((((( No_longer_sane )))))))