Discouraged: NEED Encouragement! (comment)

This week has been one of the hardest weeks I've had in a very long time. What makes my depression hard is the fact that after 2 and a half months of clinical depression, I officially decided to challenge myself this week. I challenged myself to stop sulking, dwelling in all of the negativity..and self-loathing... Although, it is not horrible to feel those things... dwelling on the negative will not make me any happier. Ever since I made an actual decision to change...my depression finally feels like an actual illness...
For Example: If someone has a fever for a while, they can do things to help that fever go down, take tylenol or other meds, use an icepack, or take a shower...etc... but, just because they do all these things doesn't mean the fever will immediatley go down... it still takes time.
I was completley discouraged when all of the things I was doing, meditating, forcing myself to get out of bed, reading books on positive thinking, hanging out with friends, etc. did not immediatley make my depression better... in fact, I actually ended up feeling worse at some points this week. I ended up sobbing/weeping this week, something I haven't done in a year...I was in so much severe pain, two days later, I felt like I was having a panic attack & my chest felt like it was in so much pain...it was soo heavy, physically hurt... and for hours it felt like my heart was just gonna fall out onto the floor. So, after hours of enduring the pain, I ended up having to take holistic medicine for trauma and anxiety. Today and yesterday, I basically slept most of the day... & had a very hard time getting out of bed. And all of this happened after I made a decision to fight against it. But, even through all this, I refuse to give up on myself. Currently, I'm fighting the urge to feel excessive guilt over my lack of discipline and I have the urge to just beat myself up and put myself down for what I haven't accomplished due to the depression. Somewhere in my gut, I'm fighting the urge that says... "Cynthia, you will never get better. Your worthless and look at everything you haven't accomplished." As I deny these thoughts the best I can, I yearn to accept where I am in life and have the faith that says, "hey, there is always tommorow, tommorow is a new day, and the darkness you feel has a greater purpose...In the final days, people won't talk about my depression. I'm hopeful, they will talk non-stop about the strength I exuded in overcoming. May God Bless those who feel these same burdens and pain...

COMMENTS APPRECIATED!
ESPECIALLY anyone who can relate or anyone with positive feedback.

i must say i truly admire the courage it takes to make this step. that's awesome. i would also like to add that you're NOT worthless in the least bit. i encourage you to stick with this. i'm telling you first hand that the more we focus on positive thinking the more of a difference it WILL make in our lives. i know this to be a fact because i myself have done it. not only that, but i have also seen it work for others.

please don't be discouraged. when people suffer from depression it's what we're familiar with. so to step out of the norm of things may feel a bit uncomfortable for a little while. please take heart it won't always be the case. i choose to look at it like someone who has taken up working out. it takes time to build those muscles up. it just isn't going to happen overnight, and in most cases there's going to be some pain associated with it at least for a little while.

i would love to encourage you to stick with it. you're doing great, and have taken a great step towards self recovery. this is very admirable. hang in there hon. take care

Hello & Welcome, Jazzy123456!

My impression is that weeping and prolonged sleeping are not necessarily signs of regression. Being able to cry and especially getting (refreshing) sleep are important in the long-term battle with depression.
It is important to combat those common depressive urges. I hope you find effective techniques compatible with your own situation and unique personality.
Yes! Taking the long view is valuable and you've got a sterling goal!

jazzy - I think one of the biggest steps to overcoming any mental illness is the DESIRE to do so. You can congratulate yourself for having that! That shows strength, it shows you're not content on giving in to this depression, letting this be your life. You want more, and I think that's a great quality to have!
Of course it takes a lot of effort, and time, to overcome depression. You've decided you do want to be better, and are going to actively try to help yourself, and that's to be admired, but it involves changing your thoughts and behaviour, and some of those thoughts and behaviours have probably been with you a long time, so of course it's not easy to break away from. The important thing is that you're willing to try.

Sure this week you have felt worse, but you have TRIED to help yourself, I think that's the single most important thing a person with depression can do. You need support and guidance, too, and so if you have a therapist that's probably a good thing, and I think posting here can help too. It helps me to know so many people are going through the same things and that I'm not weird or anything.

Maybe in the next few days you could think up a goal, or something. Maybe it was a case of trying too many new things all at once, maybe it's a case of just being overwhelmed. I find cutting things down into smaller pieces helps. My therapist likes to say that you shouldn't attempt to climb a mountain, just try a hill, and then another hill etc. I sometimes think being recovered means, for example, getting a job, so I start thinking of ALL the things I need to do to be able to work, and I'm just not at the point of being ABLE to do all those things yet. So if I take a step back and say "I have anxiety, so if I try to go for a walk a few times a week, then I will get more used to leaving the house", instead of thinking "ok, I will leave the house, and then I'll join a support group, and then I'll volunteer outdoors, and then I'll do a qualification, and then I'll get a job". All of that is too overwhelming and I will end up not even trying one little thing because it all feels like 'too much'. If I make my goals smaller then I CAN achieve them, so I don't feel bad when I set myself a goal which, right now, is just not achievable, and then feel bad about myself for not being able to do it.
I hope that makes sense.

Good luck, keep trying, you're doing the right thing but remember it does take time. x

It's a process, just keep that in mind. 3 steps forward, 2 steps backwards.

jazzy,
I know exactly how you are feeling here. That pain, deep down in your chest. I'm glad you took something that helped with that a bit. Do you take antidepressants? Or have you tried them? I decided to go back on a certain brand of St. John's Wort for now (Kira). It's not for everyone, but it works for me. It doesn't make everything go away, but it cuts down on those truly physical symptoms (like antidepressants do for most).

I can completely relate. Depression is sooo deceiving this way. I know I wouldn't tell someone who had cancer to simply "pick it up and get going and- I don't care if you just had a chemo treatment - stop being so lazy." As a matter of fact I wouldn't tell someone else with depression that (by any means!) So why do I feel it necessary to berate myself? Today I looked at 30 jobs online. Usually this seems like a good idea at the time, but then I spend the rest of the day crying in bed. Today, somehow, I have just let it go. There just wasn't anything - and true, some I just wasn't qualified for. But somehow I just said, "okay, not right now. This isn't my fault." So maybe therapy is helping. We need to be gentle with ourselves. Handle yourself with care. Do the things you enjoy and try to let go. In caring for yourself now, it will all come back to you.

God Bless You!

JAZZY,

I UNDERSTAND FEELING SO MUCH DESPAIR. I DONT THINK YOU SHOULD BLAME YOURSELF. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT YOUR DEPRESSED, OR SUFFERING, OR NOT DOING THE THINGS YOU USUALLY DO OR ARE SUPPOSED TO DO. I MEAN I FEEL LIKE IF ALOT OF PEOPLE ACTUALLY HAD TO GO THROUGH THAT DESPAIR THEY WOULDNT EVEN LAST HALF AS LONG AS YOU HAVE. I HOPE THAT YOU HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF HOPE (THATS ALL YOU NEED) AND NOT BE DISCOURAGED. ITS REALLY HARD TO LIVE THIS WAY BUT ITS NOT IMPOSSIBLE. YOU SEEM LIKE A VERY STRONG PERSON AND I HOPE IF YOU FEEL THE NEED MAYBE SOMEONE ON PC CAN GIVE YOU SOME ADVICE OR KIND WORDS. NEVER GIVE UP

thanks the thing about working out the muscles analogy really helped... cuz its true. this is what I like about PsychCentral, the ppl I'm around everyday don't seem to understand and I am encouraged that ppl are willing to be so helpful on this online community!! afterall, I'm a new member. thanks again.

Oh and I haven't taken antidepressants yet, I'm not sure if it is something I want to do... does it work for you? and thanks for the encouragement! seriously, the example about the cancer--chemotherapy really helped and it is true, sometimes we are so cruel and say so many mean things about ourselves that we would never think to say to someone else...but, good luck to you and thanks again for the comment!

Hi jazzy,
Here is what I know about antidepressants - anyone else please do add their comments too...
Antidepressants can really help with depression. As a matter of fact - as I recently saw on the PBS series "This Emotional Life," they can truly help to heal the brain over time by rebuilding brain cells. This is because overtime, saddly, untreated depression can cause harm to the brain - and antidperessants have been shown clinically to reverse and heal this damage.
Some people benefit from antidepressants only. But most often the best help comes from a mix of antidepressants along with weekly talk therapy.
The thing that is a bit difficult is that antidepressants can sometimes have side effects and one brand may work for you while another brand might work best for someone else (it's trial and error). So the best way to go about it is to find a good doctor who specializes in treating depression using medication (a psychopharmacologist) - someone you feel comfortable with, and who listens to you. In this case, the doctor will usually prescribe a very low dose and work up to a clinical dose in order to minimize any side-effects.
Several people very close to me have had true benefits from taking antidepressants. Both of these people (my partner and my best friend) have been taking them for 12 years+ and have no side effects now. For one person celexa works best and for the other effexor is what helped her turn around her severe depression.

That being said, there is also the option that is the wide and rough world of "alternative" medicines. Saint John's Wort is a medicine that is prescribed by doctors in Germany, but not here. This herb has helped me, but some people find no change with it. I like it becuase it actually has been studied in clinical studies - so I know more about it. The brand that was used in the studies is called Kira.

After my long rambling response, I would say the best thing would be to try speaking with a doctor or psychopharmacologist - maybe just to get some more information. The final decision is up to you and you shouldn't feel pressured. But antidepressants might help you to feel better.