[Shaymus]

So since i am awake with thoughts i figured id jot them down for my amusement later.

Cook or get out of the kitchen. I like that saying actually. Its more polite than the one ive heard. The trouble for me is im not sure i know how to cook and even if i did, im not sure im hungry. I have one foot in and one foot out. I want therapy to work. Yet im very reluctant for wholesale change as well.

I look up at the mountain of changes i need to make and it sure is daunting. Something tells me even if i succeed at such a huge task and everything is peachy that it wont be for long. Ive abused myself with smoking and all sorts of other things. I doubt it would be that big of a shock medically if something bad happened. On my death bed will i be grateful i spent the last years of my life fixing myself even though then i wont get the payoff?

I guess also i am bitter that i have let this mountain build. Instead of just taking a small step everyday like most people, i didnt move. From my earliest memory ive always only done just enough to get by. I dodged a few boulders that fell my way but as soon as they rolled past i went back to the spot i was standing. So now i have this huge mountain to climb. Will there be much rewards when i make it? Nope, then ill only be on par with normal people.

Is all this junk distorted thought? Quite possibly but if everyones perception is their truth, then this is my truth.

[LadyDragus]

you sound a lot like me bitter to the core.. and for that I am sorry shaymus..

It takes a great deal of healing and wanting to heal to get better..
todday is one of my 'bad' days and i feel for you i can see all the "blackness" others feel and I can feel it creeping in around me and wanting to consume me yet again.. I have to try to see my light at the end of my tunnel.. I just to not want to..

I compelty understand how you feel.. Trust me on this ok..

I am so sorry your mountian seem so high but if look up, I am up on top waiting for you.. This ole dragon and I am most likely not alone, there are others uphere with me., waiting on you to climb above this beast we all call depersssion .. So come up and join me and let us fight this together ok.

Geez, Shaymus.

Don't mean to hijack here, but your words
brought a song to mind, and I totally get
what you are saying.

Sorry you feel so low.

This one line; On my death bed will i be
grateful i spent the last years of my life
fixing myself even though then i wont get the
payoff?

This is how my hubby thinks.

It makes me sad you feel the same.

Please take care,

Petunia

Cat Stevens - Miles from Nowhere Lyrics

Miles from nowhere
I guess I'll take my time
Oh yeah, to reach there

Look up at the mountain
I have to climb
Oh yeah, to reach there.

Lord my body has been a good friend
But I won't need it when I reach the end

Shaymus: fix a little bit at a time. that's what i have to do.......xoxoxo pat

[Shaymus]

Hey Lady, when you said "i can see all the "blackness" others feel and I can feel it creeping in around me and wanting to consume me" that spoke to me. I get this feeling quite a bit too. Its like my thoughts say "I can sure relate to that!" and then the thoughts from those times jump out of their cages.

Hi Petunia, dont worry about hijacking. A new day is here and im feeling better. Sometimes just writing these thoughts down makes me feel better. Or at least able to sleep A lot of those thoughts are ones im more ashamed of as they seem so selfish to me so i dont express them. I mean what does it matter if there is a payoff to me if there is a payoff to all those around me? Im sorry your hubby can relate to them, they arnt any fun. Btw that is a cool song. Ive never heard it before so i went and downloaded it. I love it.

Hello fayerody. Yes that is the definate correct way to look at it. Its hard to focus on one step when the steps go 8,000 miles up but if you dont focus on the first step you wont ever make it to the last step. Kind of ironic though when your goal is the top step but most of the steps in between arnt ones you particularly care for. Its like on one hand you have to look at the big picture and see the goal is true yet if you just totally concentrate on the end step then its too overwhelming to even try.

[LadyDragus]

good I am glad you are doing better today..

I am sorta doing better now.. not too much but a little better.

[dalila]

<font color="green">Well, I guess I look at it this way, if I don't work on my issues where will I be in a year, in 5 years, 10 years or how ever long I have left in this life. Yes, this is hard work with no real end in sight but I am better than I was. If our lady dragon is on the top of the mountain pulling you up then I am on floor of the pit trying to help push you up.[color]

[__zh]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Kind of ironic though when your goal is the top step but most of the steps in between arnt ones you particularly care for. Its like on one hand you have to look at the big picture and see the goal is true yet if you just totally concentrate on the end step then its too overwhelming to even try.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Life is what happens while you're making plans for life. Those in between steps are our life so we just do our best each day while wishing we were closer to those far off goals.

One foot in front of the other Shaymus. That's all one can do some days.

[__zh]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Well, I guess I look at it this way, if I don't work on my issues where will I be in a year, in 5 years, 10 years or how ever long I have left in this life.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Nothing replaces the work but doing the work. Great information dalila!!

Good for you for working on your issues. Sorry you too have been acquainted with the pit before.

[Fuzzybear]

yes dalila I agree too.

The doctors in the UK don't think I and others are "worth" helping which makes life that much more unbearable for me....... but wtf

[LadyDragus]

i'm sorry too..

We have all had our downfalls, and the pit is a big place around here..

I konw some of us tend to crawl in it from time to time and try not to come out..

I feel that way..

i hope you all see me crawling towards it now..
and come sit with me for awhile..

sorry did not mean to hijake your theread.

[Shaymus]

From the song that was posted this part is my favorite:

I have my freedom
I can make my own rules
Oh yeah, the ones that I choose

It kind of fits with what im doing too. I think on monday im firing my psychologist for many reasons. With the "i can make my own rules" thought in mind, i think im going to find one closer to home and hopefully that fits my personality better.

The inner battle i am having tho is im not sure i want another therapist. People say a lot that people more learn how to cope than actually get cured from depression. If thats true, would it be such a sin if i have the skills in place to distract myself already if i didnt find another? Even tho im not the person i want to be? I think the only real thing i need that i get in therapy is the push to continue working on improvement. If i can find a way to get that without therapy....

i've been whining and ranting, about my sore knee, for weeks and weeks. back when i was more active, i would walk up a mountain that was three miles high...round and roumd and round..to the top. i never looked up high, i only looked at the distance that i thought that i could manage. finally, i got to the top. my emotional growth and my knee, need to be handled that way. what have i been thinking? i'm impatient with my T and want my meds changed by the pdoc...it's inches, not miles.....xoxox pat

[Shaymus]

That sounds like sage advice. Tomorrow i will try to call for a new t. I will not look at all the possible outcomes that could possibly happen as i always assume negative. Ill just set it all up and see what comes. If i dont need it then the t will tell me that i assume. Three miles up a mountain tho? Thats pretty impressive.

[Babieca]

When I want some whine with my rant I prefer red so I can see the world through rose' colored glasses.

Everything is baby steps. Little, teeny tiny, baby steps. Build confidence with the stuff you can attain, then move forward. I was so beaten down after one tour that my goals for the day were merely to get out of bed, shower, brush my teeth, and comb my hair. Anything after that was "gravy".

The trick is to set realistic goals.

Think of a baby learning to walk: standing up has been figured out and the sofa cushion is easy to hold on to. Baby doesn't have plans to go wake-boarding or ice skating, Baby's whole focus is to get from the edge of the sofa to the coffee table where there are fascinating bright shiny things to touch and taste. So Baby keeps trying and after many attempts, Baby finally takes the three steps and catches on to the table. Then somebody yells "Hey! Look!" There isn't always instant affirmation for your accomplishments but that shouldn't stop what you do, the Mighty Oak was once a nut like you. Sorry. That just sort of came out on it's own. The point being, we are all Bozos on this short bus and feel the same things and recognize our own strivings in others. When we see others succeed it gives us encouragement to attempt things on our own. Then we in turn encourage others with our successes.

There is a saying: "Choose your fight" The sentiment applies here as well- "Choose your successes". Professionals start building a wall at the bottom. Build on your successes. (Please, no Pink Floyd references.)

[__zh]

fayerody is a smart lady with lots of life wisdom about all sorts of things.

you're wise to see her advice as sage. just don't follow her up that three mile mountain hike until you've warmed up first!

we'll hope to hear about your completed phone call tomorrow.

good plan you've made. instead of assuming the negative just waiting to allow the outcome to be what will be. hard to do even though it sounds so easy.

good luck Shaymus.

[Shaymus]

Keeping me to my word? Ahhhh! Thankfully ive had to call and set up appointments with new t's before and have a lil confidence i can do such a thing successfully.

Babieca that was a very entertaining and informative post. I havent had too many problems with the urge to wake board recently but i do understand the message. I have a little problem with knowing what is realistic or not. What is realistic though i guess is figuring out what i want and then trying the first step to it. This is usually where i get stuck. I picture myself getting halfway up the staircase and then there is a step broken in half with a scary spider and something smelly and gross spilled on it. So then i have to walk all the way back down and find a different staircase. Then i worry about wasting all that energy on something that didnt amount to anything. I need to turn off those thoughts. I know i can do that if i try. Ive turned them off for impulsive thoughts before so i should be able to here to. Worth a shot anyway.

[__zh]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Shaymus said:
Keeping me to my word? Ahhhh! Thankfully ive had to call and set up appointments with new t's before and have a lil confidence i can do such a thing successfully.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> ahem.....ahem.....Shaymus? not to pressure you but we're now at Thursday so please let us know how this week has gone for you if you would. we've got confidence in your ability to do such things as well.

the broken step with the spider and smelly gross stuff is falling out of the chair funny because of how closely we can relate.

we know you can do this.....question is....did ya?

[Overcastbutclearing]

Ummm, it amazes me how I am not alone in a lot of the way my mind thinks. I could have written all of this too.
And I am sure we all are relating one way or the other.
Excellent question about whether this is some type of distorted thinking then about how everyone's perception is their own truth. Quite interesting.
I try and tell myself that in order to get up the hill I have to knock down some obstacles...and the top of the hill looks so peaceful. But the agony of getting there almost defeats the purpose...ya know.
You are not alone in your thinking dear Shaymus.
Hang on...please. Trust me...I know it is difficult.

some of you know that i'm going to take some classes this fall. but, before i could enroll, i had to decide to do it. then, i had to dress and find my truck keys. i had to check and see if i had enough money to pay tuition. then i got into truck and drove out there. i went to the wrong building. i had to ASK someone, for directions. i finally found the right building and went in.......my head was a mess, by then...but, i had divided it down into the little steps that i've listed. otherwise, i could not have gotten it done. p

[Shaymus]

Honestly? I havent even called to fire my old t yet. Though my appointment is this wednesday so i need to do that by monday or find the strength to tell her to her face she is fired and why. The phone seems oh so much easier. Tomorrow is friday, so i will *hopefully* do it then and then i can turn the appointment card over and call the same clinic but the office closest to my town and make a new appointment with a new t.

Not to make excuses.....but ive had a lot going on. Funks and stresses. For instance today was a fun day. We have $143 in the bank for the next two weeks. We have a bill that HAS to be paid that is $173 plus we have to actually live/groceries/gas. So we decide to take out $400 and deal with the $25 negative fee. We pay the bill and have about $220 left. Somehow between the store where we paid the bill and car the money has vanished. The bank account is already at -$271 and we have no money, half a tank a gas and no groceries for two weeks? Hmmm so after ripping the car apart shred by shred and looking under every crevice its no where to be found. Check back in the store and no one has found it but they take our phone number etc. We end up taking another $100 out of the bank. We get home and the store has called, someone found our money and actually turned it in! Amazing. So weird when your account is near negative four hundred bucks but you feel rich lol.

I agree sj, it IS amazing how often it seems like people are writing out of my own head. Kind of helps me realize that maybe when my t tells my thoughts are distorted that maybe she has a point. Kind of like if a dr told you its common for someone with the flu to cough a lot. Might be hard to accept that there is a reason for the cough other than an itchy throat. Then you go on a flu forum and suddenly everyone is posting about how bad their cough is. Thats a cruddy analogy but it made a LOT of sense before i actually typed it out lol.

[Overcastbutclearing]

Shaymus...it is a very good analogy.
In fact, we rarely think in the simplest of forms at times and that is indeed what you did.
I am proud of you for posting. Trust me, I know how difficult it is.
Let us know if you do call and cancel the T appt today.
If you do, try and call to make a T appt with a new one though. Don't go too long in between...not the wisest choice ya know.
((shaymus)))

[Shaymus]

I did call and cancel my appointments. The receptionist asks then if im cancelling my services with them to which i reply yes. So she forwards me to my t's voice mail. Doh! I blurt out "Im just letting you know im quitting, oh yeah this is my name, bye" and hung up.

Im not sure if i should schedule for a new t or not now. I mean since they made me leave a message maybe she will call back and lecture me. Maybe ill have to find a new place for a t even. Or maybe im just making excuses haha. I can always wait til next week to be sure. Anyone know for sure if a t is mad if they can ban you from making appointments with other people at that clinic?

i don't think a professional therapist will talk to the other Ts and tell them not to take you........if the T did that, it would be grounds for reporting them to the state board.

[Shaymus]

Ok, thanks fayerody for the reassurance. So i called and set up the new appointment. They were able to fit me on the 29th already though. I could have lived with having to wait a month or two like with every other new appointment ive ever made. Ill be fine im sure.