[Lonely in Va]

Hello All,
I have been in a mental hospital 3 out of the past 4 weeks not all at the same place but 3 different ones. I have been so far diagnosed with Major Depression, A good possibilty that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, Extreme Stress, Insomnia, lack of self worth, zero self esteem, can never see anything positive and have a negative rebuttal for anything positive, plus I have not worked since April due to severe knee pain in May I had aa TKR I have no money coming in so my mother pays my bills ( which bothers me greatly ) 5 months out from the surgery I am still having severe pain in my knee, I am concerned that I will no longer be able to do any standing or walking for any length of time I am sure there is more but I guess that is a pretty good start. I am seeing a new Psychiatrist who pretty much doubled my meds. I am currently taking 300mg of Effexor XR 300mg of Welbutrin 300mg of Trazodone for insomnia. I have been so negative I am pretty much convinced these meds will not help regardless of what I have told. I am so desperate for wanting to feel better but after dealing with this for so long I feel that this is almost pointless. At what point do things turn around? I am tired of seeking help by going to the ER and then getting admitted for Depression but I am still thinking about going back daily I cannot control my thoughts I would never think about committing self defense due to my kids and mother but there has not been on day or one hour that I have not thought about this and wonder why I am even here since I seem to cause so much pain and anguish to myself. I have appointments set up for ongoing therapy starting next week and the first week in November I will see someone about BPD therapy but that is then this is now. Please help a kind word or two would go a long way. I am not trying to be morbid but realistic about myself.
Lonely

[owen2110]

Hi,

Remember depression and what have you is a disease. It's not you it's a disease.

Be forgiving of your self and don't feel guilty about having to accept help from you mother.

I am really surprised that your pdoc doubled your meds all at once. I have changed meds about 10 times in the last 2 years, and everytime it's been increased slowly because initial side effects can be brutal.

Anyway, I don't what else to say, but hang in there!! You sound like a good person, who is having a tough time.

Owen

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Lonely in Va!

This may sound paradoxical, but I find something positive in your negativity.

Depression is a serious illness, which usually requires help to manage or overcome. Unfortunately, depression often drives us into isolation. In your case, however, depression has driven you to assistance. Additionally, your negativity makes it far less likely you will understate your distress to your caretakers. A fair number of other depression sufferers, including me, are reluctant to reveal the full depth of our pain to others.

You deal with several types of chronic pain. Go ahead and let them know how bad it is.

All the best to you, Lonely in Va.

[lynn09]

Hello, Lonely in Va, and Welcome to PC. I'm sorry to hear that you are having so much difficulty in so many areas of your life right now, but you are wise to want to get a realistic perspective on yourself and your situation. One thing to keep in mind is that your level of frustration with your situation is directly proportionate to the expectations you have imposed on yourself and your situation.

Consider that the medications and anesthesia used during and after your surgery and the fact that your body is having to use a lot more resources than normal to heal your surgical site definitely impact the effectiveness of your psych meds. So, it may take some time before your body responds to the new levels of meds, and eventually those levels will probably be readjusted down at some point when your body chemistry stabilizes.

Also, physical and emotional stress from your post-surgical pain and worrying about what you may or may not be able to do physically in the future pump all sorts of stress hormones into your system which can interfere with the effectiveness of your psych meds, can put you in the "fight or flight" mode, interfere with your sleep which can contribute to mental confusion and irritability, etc.

Give yourself a break!! Things are not "business as usual" in your life right now, and you must deal with what IS rather than what you want things to be, so tailor your expectations to the situation as it is. Stay in the moment, get through the next hour, get through THIS day, and deal with tomorrow when it gets here. Demanding more of yourself than you are able to deal with at the moment is only going to stress you out more, prolong the post-surgical healing process, and interfere with your mental functions. You did not CHOOSE this situation for yourself - you did not CHOOSE to have depression, BPD, or problems with your knee, so don't punish yourself for something over which you have no control.

Try to think of it this way - what if a good friend of yours (or one of your children) was in this very same situation and set of circumstances right now - what would you be saying to them? Would you be beating them up and demanding that they just achieve "normalcy" on command? I seriously doubt it. Be just as patient, understanding, kind, compassionate, and supportive towards yourself as you would be towards a friend and/or your child.

Life is not static and the only constant in life is change - which means that your present circumstances will change, as well. As for the timing - in answer to your question, "At what point do things turn around?" - realistically, things will start to turn around when they start to turn around and not one second sooner or later no matter how much you worry and stress about it all - in fact, worrying and stressing about it all will probably only delay that point. So, relax and give yourself some credit - you know that you will do whatever you can do when you can do it. This situation does NOT define your identity - how you deal with it and treat yourself while you're dealing with it does.

When things get to be too much, come here and post. There are many kind and caring people here able and willing to provide you whatever support they can. Take care of yourself and I hope you are feeling better soon. lynn09

[Lonely in Va]

Thank you to all.
If someone were to ask me for help I know all the right things to say who to call what to do etc. in my case I cannot follow my own advice much less at this point to trust in the Psych. Therapists or from even some of the nursing staff who gave me positive advice. I have gotten so good at being negative before someone finishes talking to me about the good things in life I have already come up with numerous negative things about why they will not. I have gotten to where that no matter what I try it is going to fail and I can back up my claim. My temper is going from pleasant easy going to within minutes of being in an uncomfortable situation to uncontrollable not violent but extremely angry and not caring about the outcome. When I met the new Dr. I explained everything in detail about me he kept saying things will get better and also told me that my meds will be increased overtime to help with my mood. As of yet what my meds do for me for the first couple of hours after taking Effexor 300mg and Welbutrin same amount I get tired but after that it is back to the same person. Maybe the Dr. was concerned about me because he stated if I start to feel a crisi coming on to go back to the ER. The bad thing as much as I hate being in the hospital I have this gut feeling I will wind up back there. I am trying to get help but I have zero patience so in some way I have a built in alarm just not sure when it goes off.
Yes I know I need help and yes all of this is very crummy but at least I can unload here to relieve some of my stress.
Lonely

[11PM]

can never see anything positive and have a negative rebuttal for anything positive,

Meds wont do anything until you stop rebutting positive things like you say you do. I know that negatives are always harder to rebute, but you have to try.

Deep down you know what you want. Make your thoughts work for you, not against you. In the end you will remember how easy it was to be in control.

[madisgram]

hi lonely, welcome to pc! you do have a lot on your plate and it sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed. to answer your question..it takes about 3-4 weeks for meds to kick in. what you have set up, pdoc and therapy will help you to sift thru all this. put your heart and soul into your therapy-what you put in is what u will gain from it.
keep posting. it helps. know we care about youand are willing to listen...

[lynn09]

Hi, again, Lonely in Va. Just want to encourage you to make a note of how you feel before you take your meds, and about 30-45 minutes and at varying intervals after you take your medications. Do you have a history of hypersensitivity to any medications, such as pseudoephedrine in common OTC allergy and cold medicines, or allergic reactions or unusual side-effects to pain meds or other chemical or environmental substances?

I don't want to increase your anxiety, but much of what you say sounds very familiar. Not everyone reacts to medications the same way, and your doctor needs to be notified of any "odd" effects you are experiencing. I had adverse reactions to Effexor and Welbutrin, plus Prozac, Paxil, Elavil, lithium, Xanax, Depakote, and every other psych med they tried. Allergic reactions and hypersensitivities to medications and other substances do not always manifest as rashes or difficulty breathing - sometimes they manifest as odd and intense physical and psychological effects opposite to what the med is intended to produce.

Effexor, Welbutrin, and the other meds I mentioned actually induced "manic" episodes in me, plus insomnia, mental confusion, extreme anxiety, anger, restlessness, headaches, joint pain, fever and chills, nausea, stomach and digestive tract problems, blurred vision, tremors, ringing in the ears, dizziness, difficulty speaking, loss of coordination, etc., long before hives and skin lesions eventually manifested - I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin or explode. Each time, I informed my doctors of what was happening and they determined that I was indeed having allergic reactions, immediately removed me from those meds, and treated me with the standard antihistamine and corticosteroid regimens for allergic reactions.

Although you may already be predisposed to "negativity" or melancholy due to your depression, you should be aware that adverse reactions to medications and other substances can actually magnify those and other depression symptoms, and can magnify or even create false BPD symptoms, as well. It is very important that you communicate clearly with your doctor and the hospital staff if you feel you need to seek treatment at the ER. Giving them a log detailing your symptoms before and after you take your meds can help them pinpoint the problem rather than them just trying to figure out how to treat what they are witnessing at the moment, especially since you may have difficulty communicating with them clearly at that point.

Please take good care of yourself and do NOT ignore what you may feel to be an impending "crisis" - seek immediate treatment at the ER and take your log with you to help the medical staff see the bigger picture. lynn09

[madisgram]

lonely, reread your post. here are suggestions that may help. you stated you were negative in thought. that would be counterproductive, imho. when we're in a depressive cycle it is often difficult to see our way out tho. it takes so much mental energy. make a pledge to yourself to not use any negative words and if negative thoughts creep in, start doing something...mop floors, sing out loud, vacumn, etc.
taking long walks may reduce your anxiety over all this or even more strenuous excercise. it helps the brain to send out signals of a sense of well-being. another thing that helps me is to watch america's funniest videos. for a brief time i laugh and that also helps. for real.
lastly patience is needed cause it's often times the only thing we can constructively do. it takes time to get the right mix of meds and time for them to kick in. ya don't want to shoot yourself in your foot.
if you don't feel you can do these things or anything else to help, call your pdoc...he may tweak your meds again or have you go back to the hospital to observe and meet with you. many of us deal with depression and can relate to what you're posting. be kind to yourself. it's a chemical imbalance that's going on. i hope you can feel some results of your efforts real soon.

[Lonely in Va]

I have never had any reactions to the majority of meds I have taken however AD meds are new to me since I have only been on them for approx. 2 years and have only taken a few different types. This morning after taking the higher dose of effexor xr and the welbutrin I felt a little tired but after about and hour or so I noticed I could not keep my hands steady several hours later that has stopped. I have my kids this weekend and even though I love them and I am glad they are here I am still very much in my what seems to normal for me mode which is not too good. I have gotten pretty good at hiding my thoughts and feelings since I have learned nobody outside of a hospital or caregiver seems to really care. I know I should be doing something different when I am in my moods however exercise as far as walking even sitting for long periods is not something I can do anymore due to Chronic/ severe knee pain. My other problem with doing something I have no money so even if I wanted to go for a drive to a park somewhere I have to consider the amount of gas I use. I am not making excuses it is just my reality. It seems that most of you have been treated for quite sometime and have gotten over the hump so to speak me on the other hand I have a very long way to go, you cannot turn of in a manner of a couple of days or months which has taken many years to develope. I have tried so many things and it seems it is better to set myself up for failure then to reassure myself that this will work ( either way this turns out I will be prepared for it ). Sorry about being so negative if it was not for my kids and my mother I would not be here. I have no friends nothing I have caused my mother a lot of grief not as much as I have caused myself and I always am thinking if I was not here how much happier people would be and that would be if there was someone who actually cared. Maybe things will change and I know I need help but then again who am I?

[Lonely in Va]

I posted this on the anxiety forum. To me its amazing when I went to see the Psychiatrist and explained everything to him and what I was going thru he upped my meds and also told me if I get in crisis mode go to the ED of a local hospital for help. I had my children this weekend it was a lot of fun but deep inside me I was feeling rotten. When my ex. picked up the kids and I was alone I started shaking from being so nervous and felt everything was closing in on me. I called a Mental health line and was told to go to the ED of a local hospital. So far this would seem to make sense however I got there at 7:30 pm and did not see someone from M/H till around midnight. I told this person all that was going on and started crying. She went to check on availabilty of any beds just as I knew this was going to happen their were none anywhere at any of the hospitals when she came back all she could really say was to check into some diifferent therapy such as PTSD and EMDR treatment. She was nice but she said because I was not actively trying or had any immediate intention of doing harm that there was nothing that could be done. I walked out shortly there after. I had the feeling this was going to happen and being as negative as I am I was not surprised. No matter what I do to try and get help it seems that there is a big flag somewhere on me that says do not bother to help me. Before I left I told the M/H nurse it proves my point no one cares and she said lots of people care and of course I said prove me wrong which she could not. I did make another effort today and called my Psychiatrist's assitant nad explained what had happened how I am feeling etc, she hopefully understood and told me she was going to call the hospital and see what she could do. I did get a call back and I am supposed to get back with her this afternoon after my pain mangement appointment and see if she can get me a room. Any bets that this will fail also?

[lynn09]

Hello, Lonely in VA. I think madisgram made some very good suggestions. Any kind of aerobic exercise that increases your heart and respiration rates causes the brain to release endorphins (feel-good hormones) and adrenaline into your system, and provides your brain with increased oxygen, as well. Even though your physical activity is limited due to your knee pain, there are exercises you can do sitting or even lying down that will increase your heart and respiration rates (upper body exercises using little hand weights, yoga, and other stretching and relaxation exercises).

Laughing does the same thing, as well as doing anything that you find pleasurable - reading, listening to music, watching TV programs and movies that you enjoy. Watching comedies usually helps; however, I know that sometimes when I'm really depressed watching comedies just irritates me more, so I switch to other genres that I like (art, science, sci-fi, etc.). It doesn't matter what you do as long as it's something you have an interest in and you find uplifting that can disrupt the negative thought stream and get your brain manufacturing and releasing endorphins, etc., into your system. On the other hand, negative thoughts cause the brain and body to release stress hormones into your system inducing the "fight or flight" feelings, increasing anxiety, etc. Your thoughts actually do have a physical impact on your body's functions.

Your frustration with the healthcare system is shared by most people these days. Unfortunately, it is really imperative that patients advocate for themselves - but sometimes that is just more than we can handle, so it's equally imperative that we construct a support team of healthcare professionals who are willing and able to advocate for us - certainly a simple concept, but simple does not necessarily mean easy. I'm sure you've heard the old expression, "You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find the Prince." In other words, you may have to go through a few doctors, Pdeocs, and therapists before you find the ones who "fit" with you and will advocate for you. Even though this is a frustrating and time-consuming process, we're talking about quality of life here - the quality of your life and the lives of those around you.

If you give up at this point, there is no possibility of any facet of your life improving, and the quality of your life and the lives of those around you can only be impacted negatively; keep trying despite the obstacles you encounter and the opportunities and possibilities for positive outcomes for everyone are endless. Even though I concede that realistically the risks of further hardships also exist, those risks are inherent in the lives of every living creature. There's just too much to lose by giving up and too much to gain by persevering - and it is in persevering that you gain the strength to push on further.

Just like a muscle is made stronger by constant exposure to a resisting force, so your will and determination are made stronger by exposure to the resisting obstacles you encounter. In this same way, you can also reprogram your thoughts and retrain your mind to a certain extent by resisting the negative thought patterns and replacing them with more positive thought patterns. Again, simple, but not necessarily easy - especially with chronic depression. It takes time and practice, but the more you do it the easier it gets to impose your will on your own thought processes.

Try this - every time a negative thought comes into your mind, stop and deliberately come up with a positive thought to counteract it (whether you believe it or not) - exerting your will on yourself is self-discipline which takes time and practice to develop. Just keep at it and eventually you may see the balance shift. Anything that brings about positive progress is still progress.

Please keep posting and let us know what measures your Pdoc is taking to advocate for you. lynn09