[wi_fighter]

I just want to climb under the covers and sleep the rest of the day. Forget about finances and work requirements and kids and pets and exes and the lawn needing mowing and the dishes needing washed and laundry being folded.

I can't do it all today or tomorrow or this week, so I don't want to do any of it. It keeps piling up and I'm now I'm surrounded by garbage. I have no motivation. I'm not even stuck in neutral. The wheels aren't even spinning. I'm in park.

I really, really, really dislike this.

[h0kie]

((((((((((Shirley)))))))))) My day is blech too. I'm sorry you're having a bad time. How aboout if I mow your lawn for you? If I could, I would. PM anytime. Spinning wheels and getting no where is horrible.

[silver_queen]

((((((((((((((( wi ))))))))))))))))))

That sounds similar to the state I was in earlier this year. I think of it a bit like being paralysed. It's like you can't do anything and you don't want to do anything, and the times you do want to do something you can't do it anyway. It's a tough time to get through. I don't know what advice to offer since I never found a cure for it, but I do understand what a bad time it is to get through.

Moms just don't get enough credit. I'm not a Mom myself but I watch Moms at work and my hat is off to all of you. I'm too selfish to be a Mom.
So, just take some time to pat yourself on the back, Shirley. Enjoy your little vacation and you'll be back on your feet before you know it.
((((((((((((MOMS))))))))))))))))

it sounds as if what had me by the neck, and shaking me, has you now. i am so sorry. i know exactly what you're feeling. it sucks. if i could, you know i'd come up and do it for you. sending big hugs..xoxox pat

[wi_fighter]

It's not *quite* so bad when the kids are around. It's just so damn quiet during the day that sometimes I get really depressed because I'm all alone.

My shoulders were really achy today, and I got feeling sad because I don't even have anyone to give me a backrub unless I pay a masseuse.

I'm frustrated with my job too. For some reason they keep giving me the medical oncologists who are impossible to understand, and I really don't need to listen to them talk about people dying all day long. I want to get my quota in for the day so I can relax with the kids, and I'm just not up to it.

gosh I so understand..I am separated and there is noone to give me a massage..wish that we both had someone to do that for us..and anyway there is no time, not with being a mom..thinking about you and truly caring.. there also..

[Parker10]

Sorry you are feeling so blah. Its the pits to feel like that , but glad that the kids make it better when they are there !

[jmo531]

Shirley,

Lately you have been taking some real positive steps. I think you need to give yourself a break and take it easy for a while. People need to take it easy. We always expect so much from ourself. We always try to over do it. It is ok to relax.

I know what you mean. Hate feeling stuck. Hate feeling like there is no energy in your body. I feel the same and I can relate.

Hugs

[(JD)]

((( fighter)))) I'm in. sigh.

[wi_fighter]

((((((((((CK, Jen, Sky))))))))))
Thanks. Sorry to hear you're all in the same state, though.

(((((((((((Parker))))))))
Thanks. Yes, it's definitely the pits.

I'm tired of being on an emotional see-saw. I go from feeling down in the dumps to so-so to laughing when I'm with the kids, all in the course of a day or even a few hours. If the kids weren't here, I don't know that my mood would ever lift. I live in a town of 3000, so why do I feel so isolated?

[wi_fighter]

I feel like a load of bricks just fell on top of me. It's so darned expensive to take care of our health needs. Eye doctors and specialists and counselors and medication and booster shots and dentists.......

Everything fell on me at once and everyone wants to be paid at once, and I can barely stay on top of the recurring bills as it is right now because I'm putting in the bare minimum workload right now. I just can't pull out of this pit. I start to feel a little better, and then something dumps another shovelful of dirt on me.

The tears are running. I just want to be strong and take care of everything and it's just so hard.

[dexter]

>>Everything fell on me at once and everyone wants to be paid at once, and I can barely stay on top of the recurring bills as it is right now because I'm putting in the bare minimum workload right now. I just can't pull out of this pit. I start to feel a little better, and then something dumps another shovelful of dirt on me.

That's where I am right now too wi_fighter. Feel like I had a foothold just a couple of months ago, but now realize it was only in loose sand and everything is coming down.

And the worse it gets the more I don't want to do anything about it.

I'm still hanging in hoping for a solution. Hope you are doing the same.

[wi_fighter]

Dexter, that's exactly where I am. I have the capability of putting in as much overtime as I could dream of, and could get all of the extra bills taken care of in a matter of weeks. I'm just having an extremely difficult time doing it. Like I somehow keep thinking if I don't do anything, everything will just disappear, or I'll win the lottery without playing it.

I keep tearing up, and that's not helping matters, because then I can't see the computer screen to do my work.

[dexter]

>>or I'll win the lottery without playing it.

Yes I know that feeling, hoping that everything will get better or work itself out on its own. But when you think about it, the "working out on its own" solutions are all very bad , so that just adds more stress and more desire to climb into bed.

I haven't been able to get to work in over a week now, either because of it. They just sent me some work I can do at home and I'm going to tackle that right now. At least it will give me something to do other than stay in bed.

Did you read my post update in Depression (what the heck forum am I in right now? Is it depression or health. Darn I can't remember).

Although I have no family to help out and no friends in the area, some distant friends did call social services to visit me last night. They wanted to put me in the hospital... I am not resistant to the idea of the hospital right now but I am resistant because of the idea that if I go into the hospital for a week, things will just be one week's worth worse when I get out with regard to my mail and bills.

Talking with them helped reassure me that in the state I am in, I am not coping well and therefore not dealing well with the situation... and that if I could get stablized in the hospital I would be better prepared to deal with the bills.

That gave me some hope by reminding me of the role depression plays in feeling that it is all hopeless and that I can't do anything to dig myself out of this hole.

I'm not in the hospital, instead they are going to try a new program in NJ where someone will come to my house and I'll be treated like an outpatient. At least it is something for me to look forward to rather than just sitting and waiting.

I'm hoping you can find some relief too. To you see a T regularly? Or is that a problem with your medical bills too... Maybe he can offer suggestions to help cope, and if you can cope better you could find a real foothold on this.

Good luck

[wi_fighter]

I started seeing a counselor through the county last week. He wanted to see me again this week, but didn't set up an appt. because he was going to see if he could get me in to see the psychiatrist for a med eval. close to the same time to save me an extra trip. Well the med eval isn't happening for another month, and the counselor never gave me a second appt.

Luckily that's not going to add more stress. They have me on sliding scale and the most I have to pay is $180 a month, but they said they realize even that can be a lot, so as long as I even pay $5 a month, as long as I do it consistently, that's all they ask.

I buy scratch off lottery tickets every so often, and lose every time, so I know better than to empty the bank account to try and win power ball. LOL You know how some people will buy $20 worth of tickets and they're all excited because they won $5? "No, you just lost $15. "

P.S. I never buy that many tickets. $5 tops, and that might be twice a year.

[dexter]

If you need to, call the counselor back and set up another appointment for sooner so you don't have to wait the month.

I hope you can feel good about the fact that even though things seem so bad, you are able to take steps to get help for yourself. That is a huge thing. Both as being something good that can hopefully get you back to feeling better, and ALSO as having the strength not to give in to those feelings that everything is hopeless and taking the initiative to go see a doctor, work out a pay schedule, etc.

[dexter]

I feel very similar about the lottery too. I had a friend in college who refused to ever buy a ticket. I respected his feelings but never really understood them.

Later on in life I realized how poorly my parents managed their money and my mom would always say "if only I won the lottery" and it began to sound like they were always in financial trouble NOT because they spent their money on extravagent things they couldn't afford, but rather because of the "unfairness" of not winning the lottery. My mom would sometimes sigh that we had no luck. I told her I believe that people make their own luck. For example by being careful with their money and not wasting it all hoping to win the lottery.

I've come to terms with that and I do play the lottery once in a blue moon (usually when something catches my eye) but I am careful, especially in the state that I am in now, when it is natural to feel as if I have bad luck and things are going so stressfully, that I don't give in to the feeling that I "deserve" to win the lottery or something. Does that make sense?

I think I'm just rambling...

[wi_fighter]

Dexter, it made perfect sense.

I was thinking, I'm in the same boat you are regarding hospitalization. It probably wouldn't hurt for me to just get away from this house for a couple of days to focus on me and figure out what combination of services I need best, but a week off work with no sick days or vacation benefits or insurance would just increase the stress that much more. Bit of a catch 22.

[jmo531]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Shirley)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I can relate with the "emotional rollor coaster". Ups, downs, numbness, overstuffed with emotions. When will it quit, huh?

I did hear one thing you said, very important. When your with your kids they make you laugh. That is a good thing. If there is one thing you can hold on to for hope, let it be that. The happiness, joy and laughter you feel when you are with them. Your a strong lady. Being a parent is one of the hardest things in this world, next to being a SINGLE parent. Your doing great. Your doing what you need to do. But yes, I know how it feels. I hope you get some peace soon.

Huggles,

Jen