Vomit

Sorry for the mess you will read and see below.

Yesterday was great!

But i am terrified and tired right now (i know, a weird combination). I should not be an adult. I should not be alive even. Yet i am. And i am involved in so much. Any moment the house of cards will fall, and more will see all this mess that is me. I just can't or don't want to be or do better it seems. It makes so much more sence to be bad. I am bad.

Yesterday I:
-made it to work on time
-helped with set up and clean up well
-thoroughly involved as part of the team (not just "a student visiting and doing a co-op")
-got positive feedback and helpful critism on activites and assignments implemented at the co-op
-and enjoyed the satisfaction of checking off tasks off my LONG to-do list of work and school and everything else...

This week though has just been horrible. A pile of nerves. Breaking down in classes all week. Failing everything. Not going to work. Not following through on any other necessary responsibilities. Hating GOD's response to forgive and be gentle so i can be more open to love. Hating my doubts and fears. Hating all noises around me of functionality and day-to-day routine...

Others say attend and keep going to get more and learn more. You learn by doing and make mistakes and improving. All those others are positive, looking at great potential that is possible and have time avaliable to dream and continue. This is especially true in working with children - preschoolers, kindergarten children, schoolage, youth - and one is just in awe of them exploring and experiencing and smiling and progressing. Outside of me seems to be noisy with everyone functioning and continuing in some way.

Inside and within though is just a painful fog of words and images and memories and judgements and all is just wrong. I am wrong. I am bad. I am screwed up. And it hurts. Yet, when I close up and cry and cry and cry because the surrounding pain and sobs - which sound really loud when i curl up in a ball and clamp my hands over my ears - make sence. Restores equilibrium. Resets myself as negative which seems more true than the random flukes of "great days".

I am sick. In too many ways. I realize now that i have just been falling more and more since the new year, since January, since i turned 25 (December 29th). The anxiety seems to be that bad. Why? I should be well and do well and continue. How? To do more be more and do/be good. How? By not being, doing, and continuing as me. Not just: try "going on autopilot" or start a new day by being/doing whats right. But as far as: I should just STOP.

I dont want to ground, think about the positive, try to "appreciate" or "be grateful", or consider any other therapudic skills to be "okay" with me. I don't want to be bugged anymore about how triggers hurt - like classes on child abuse and how important ECE teachers can be, leading me to wonder about what about the people left behind that weren't helped by CAS. I don't want to deal with how I am no longer litterally beaten or cussed out by those that know me the best, yet am bashing myself inside by myself. Really, the more and more I think about it, the more and more i just HATE everything about me. The fear, shame, rage, selfishness, irresponsibility, disobedience, mess, ugliness, sickness, worthlessness forever swirl around and around until all i literally want to do is throw up and vomit.

I wish all the badness that i am could be torn and cut out. Then i could scrub and clean at the raw wounds. The wounds will kinda scar and heal due to the abrasive disinfection. Yet the scars, as repulsive as they would be, could also keep everyone away as there would now be physical proof of how bad i am. As opposed to those asking "What's wrong?" or "I'm not sure what you are saying/seeing because that is not what i say/think of you..."

I am s#!t. So screwed up and bad and wrong. Seriously, how much longer should/could i continue. I want to/need to just give up, quit and stop.

Again i am sorry that you have to see/read all of this mess that makes no sence. I don't know what's my point. For now, i can no longer keep this all in. So *BLAUGH!* *while curled up in a bawl*

(small voice - i am sorry everyone )

You are a special person, notablackbarbie.

(((notablackbarbie)) - I'm sorry you're in so much pain...life really is hard sometimes. I hope it gives you a little relief to let it out. Please don't be too hard on yourself. It sounds like you have a heavy schedule and you honestly are doing more than I have this week. Sometimes we're our own worst enemy. No one is perfect and I pray things get easier for you.

When thoughts like that have come up for me, I've always found (eventually! ) that there was only one question worth asking: "How, exactly, do I know that?" I'm not sure how much good my answer would do you nor how ready you are to hear it right now. Rather than get in your way at all, I think I'd better let you work on your own answer awhile.

It sounds to me as though you're measuring yourself against some standard and the result points to one of two things: you don't fit the standard very well, or else the standard doesn't fit you very well.

I go to the store. I try on a shirt. The shirt doesn't fit. "I'm sorry! I'm the wrong size for this shirt! I should never have come in here!"

You don't suppose... (Nah, it couldn't be!) ... that for some reason you might've picked a standard to measure yourself by, that wasn't ever going to fit you...?

As I understand it, Groucho Marx was known to say he didn't want to belong to any organization that would accept him as a member. Now, that guy had high standards!

Sorry?! I thought you did some really cool sharing there and I wanted to thank you!

notablackbarbie,

I hear the not wanting to "think positive" anymore. Sometime I just get so tired of that... I am also struggling with feeling really really small, wanting to take up as little room as possible. You know that idea, though, that depression is anger turned inward? My T is always asking, could this be anger? Anger so deep that you think it could tear everything apart so you turn it inward toward yourself? What if it is REALLY INTENSE ANGER that is totally justified. You don't deserve to have it turned back on you. You have a right to your emotions. You are not bad. You are human, you are important, you are working on yourself which shows strength and responsibility.
I just got this book and have found it somewhat helpful... I have been looking at books about shame/guilt too but they all seem to be missing something. Idk.

http://www.amazon.com/Dance-Anger-Ch...9383022&sr=1-1

Firstly: all of the mess i vomited on here has typos. What a f@<kup i am.

Secondly, to all of you here on PC: i must be as blind as a bat = wtf are you all seeing and what am i missing for you to respond in these ways ^^? Why are you not disgusted or irritated or repulsed by me? And i just remember now that before leaving work yesterday getting a group hug from the children. Because...??...they dont know how to see me as bad yet and i shouldnt contaminate them further by being in their presence...

Thirdly, hating me makes the most sense because i am stupid in too many ways. I am stupid at home, at school, at work, while traveling, and in each day to day moment. I am stupid because of all i do, all i dont do, and how slow and behind i am compared to others. I am stupid with my selfishness, dreams, worries, fears, hesitations, guilt, and shame. I can never do or be enough. I hate me because i am a hopeless and worthless waste.

"Look, mommy, the emperor hasn't any clothes!"

"Look, mommy, notablackbarbie hasn't any badness!"

You might have even higher standards than Groucho did.

*reading all of this above*
I am sorry for all of this pointless convoluted circular reasoning presented. I really just make no sence at all. The more i continue, the more i reinforce the fact that i am so SCREWED UP!!!

Aarrggh!! I hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me i hate me...

Hope tomorrow is better (will be today when you read this). You are an articulate and expressive person. You express yourself better than most could. Hope peace finds you in some form, that you are able to see some of the good about yourself.

g'afternoon all *yawns and waves*
Slept for 13hours after crying myself to sleep. I have an appointment on tuesday with T, so ima just print all of this off and hand it to him and see how we go from there. Tommorow - monday - i have to catch up on a lot of hw before going back to classes and co-op for the rest of the week. As for today, i am just here right now...besides eating a LATE breakfast, i have no idea what to do for the rest of the day. All the mess and waste and s#!t is still there and here, i am still screwed up and bad...yet...??

OK... but then we are all screwed up and bad with you.

Depression tells you that you are the worst person alive. You know, it says the same thing to me - sometimes in my dad's voice, sometimes my stepmother's. Maybe? the key is to try and separate that voice from your own.
I have been trying a prayer lately.
"Lord, help me have compassion for myself."

just blah now...
could be doing so much more right now but also am just sitting here unsure and afraid...

notablackbarbie,

I wish you felt so much better about life and yourself than you do right now. It is possible for that to change, even if you cannot see how or why. And if that changes, all the "reasons" and "evidence" that seem to prove the truth of what you feel will also change. And then you will be living in an entirely different reality, and you will have an entirely different reality reflected back to you from others.

I believe you need to hear right now that your brain, that all your emotions and thoughts, are telling you lies, and that at many times, maybe almost every waking moment, you do not have the power anymore to challenge those lies. You need to hear that it is all lies, and also that you cannot fight against them the way you would against lies coming from outside.

But I know that hearing this can also be incredibly invalidating, as if what you were feeling and thinking is not real or justified. But it is real and it is justified. The pain comes from somewhere and does in some way reflect some sad realities. There are good reasons to feel the way you do, and it would be cruel to say that you should not feel that way.

But you do not know where your depressive and shameful emotions and thoughts really come from, and so, instead of dealing with the source in the way you are capable of, you have been spinning your wheels for so long that all you can conclude is that everything is wrong, and especially everything about yourself.

This all happens to us depressives, and even non-depressives, without our being aware of it. There are parts of our brain that are devoted to surviving crises, and when a crisis is sensed, those parts take over. They hijack our conscious thoughts and feelings. But when the crisis is not plain to see, or we perceive something that resembles a past crisis, those parts of the brain cannot solve the problem, so we are constantly in a state of crisis. And depression has been well described as being caused by the belief that you have problems that cannot be solved.

You also need to hear that it is not your fault for getting stuck in this, that it does not mean you are weak or fatally flawed. It is a hazard of being human in a world that is often just plain dangerous. You are a survivor. You have what it takes to survive, and that means you also have what it takes to make the most of the life given to you.

hiya hopefor? and welcome to PC

...thanx for your feedback, but ima have to be quite honest, i guess, because of how messed up my head is (alongside everything else) : for some reason ^this^ makes no sence to me

Beyond that, im just a pile of nerves and uncertainty and don't really know what to do next...

Didn't want to hijack darkpurplesecrets thread Do you ever wonder????..... so ima respond here to you and others as well that have also said something similar...:

Seriously, how are you so open and okay with HOPE? How does HOPE not scare or terrify you??

Every day hope does scare me. I imagine it is all in vain. My mom was always getting crazy ideas in her head. Well - not that crazy, but every week or month it was something new: new job, new place to move to, new business idea. Since it was just the 2 of us I hoped right along with her. I supported her in every dream she had. Then I watched it "fail" every time and I watched her become depressed again and just keep drinking. So hope is dangerous for me. But... I realize I have to change the way I see hope. For me, hope is small. Self-doubt is mostly what takes up my mind. But hope is the tiny flicker of light, not so much about "tomorrow" but that I can be loved and accepted by the universe just exactly the way that I am.

How does hope terrify you?

...it just never lasts.

And it doesn't just fade away like 1 needs to refuel a car for it to work. Life could be okay. Then you crash. The accident report shows that you crashed because you weren't paying attention or being realistic. You are punished - judgement, rage, rejection, ripple effect, shame and guilt. You learn to prevent making a mess in any way because all that happened is YOUR FAULT AND YOU ARE BAD, STUPID, SCREWED UP.

THe logical solution after failing too many times and being bad in too many ways is to just stop.

So it really doesn't make sence to me to be distracted by hope or joy or whatever because it does just eventually lead to destruction - that is me destroying too much when i fall back into reality.

It does baffle me to see others hopeful though. That's why its easier to be by myself so i don't bring others down. It is also disorienting sometimes when i'm with children. This same mindset above can't and shouldn't be used on another 4 year old who just so happens to be dumping out all lego pieces and blocks to find the green train with silver stripe because that train works the best on the "curvy peices (tracks), see!". This same mindset can't and shouldn't be used on a 7 year old who's been told not to share snacks because of allergy concerns because that child helped make 3 muffins being broken into pieces and passed around to everyone ("I helped pick the blueberries when i went shopping with mommy and daddy and then i added chocolate chips and then they melted. Thats why its all swirly brown and blue!"). This same mindset can't and shouldn't be used on a 14 year old because the eyerolling is telling you that they are bored, don't need to be lectured or patronized, and are wondering when will they get a chance to respond...

But i am a hypocrite. And full of s#!t. Selfish and foolish. Disgusting and repulsive. Pointless and worthless with all the mess I've created and all the mess i am...

It sounds to me as if the biggest risk for you is that you'll get distracted from watching the road -- into either hoping you won't have an accident, or beating yourself up for being a bad driver.

"Being realistic" is a term that people tend to apply to many widely different attitudes and activities, not all of which are even compatible with each other. You can easily get so busy "being realistic" about what a bad driver you are and how likely you are to get into an accident, that you don't even notice you're drifting into the wrong lane. To me it seems more "realistic" to ignore for the time being whether I'm a good driver or a bad one so that there'll be more of me present and available for actually driving the car.
In that case, back to my earlier question:

How do you know that?

Well, yeah, but how do you decide what to stop? You seem to be thinking in terms of "don't do anything any more" while I'm pulling for "stop judging yourself". Hey, I know one way to resolve this: I have an idea! I have an idea!!

Why... don't you... treat yourself... as if you were one of those kids!

WATCH THE ROAD, WATCH THE ROAD!!!

I couldn't help notice some skill, psychological insight, and sensitivity demonstrated in your comments re the 4-, 7-, and 14-year old. Where did that come from, if everything about you is bad and worthless? By the way, I identify with the problem of depression convincing its' victim of utter worthlessness, with the ceasing of making effort, in order to avoid further failure and humiliation, and with hope as an almost alien concept.

I appreciated Foolzero's, hopefor?'s and Elana's comments, as well as all the others.

*inhales*

So my appointment with T is in less than 2 hours. I am printing this all off and handing it to T to read. Maybe later, my head will work more to process more of all the feedback - here, in PC chat, in talking to my mom (who's been asking a number of times "What's wrong?"). I am not sure how much i have actually been conveying with just talking...or if i make any sence at all.

After that is school.

I. Am. Scared.

*shaking in *

You write with passion what I speak to myself in silence.

I can relate. Or she'd say, "you shouldn't be depressed."
Hope your session goes well.