trying to mask depression

I registered at an online dating web site recently and filled out a profile. I described the person that I used to be in between bouts of depression, rather than who I am in my life now. I'm realizing that it's dishonest. It makes me sad that the profiles that the web site robot matches me with are all bright, educated, creative, interesting, active, humorous, "normal" men. I doubt very much that they would be interested in a very depressed, very anxious woman living on SSDI in a disheveled little house.

I haven't dated or been in a relationship in many years, and it seems that it is still out of reach.

I also have been trying to prepare for leading a craft workshop and every time I sit down to experiment with the materials, I get so rattled and paralyzed. I'm worried about pulling it together for this teaching commitment next month. It's so disturbing to see what's become of me. Depression, anxiety, and ADD post-menopause is not a pretty picture.

I'm just venting here. No need to respond. I just need to get some of this pain out of my system a little. I'm still in therapy. My Pdoc prescribed lamictal today. It didn't work in 2006, but nothing has worked. The thinking is that paired with prozac, it helps with treatment-resistent depression. I'm so, so slowed down, and lamictal causes more cognitive fuzzyness. The dating site and trying to make a doll for the workshop is triggering me badly.

I'm sorry that I haven't been very active, sociable, and supportive of others around PC these days. It concerns me, as I've already received so much love and kindness from folks here, and I'm so grateful.

((((((((lavie)))))))) Just want to say that you give tons of support here and I for one am very grateful for that.

Also, re the dating site, I think everyone embellishes their profile to some extent. And I would bet that some of the bright, educated men you've been matched with are hurting on the inside too.

Not only that, you are ALSO bright, educated, creative, interesting, funny, and all the other things you've listed here as attributes of the potential "matches" for you. You really, truly are.

I'm not saying that depression and anxiety aren't serious issues. Of course they are. But millions of people with all kinds of mental illness are in relationships. It just isn't the case that only "normal" people get married. Just look at me!!!!

As I say, I'm definitely not trying to minimize the problems of living with depression and anxiety. Just wanting to make the point that emotional problems do NOT mean that relationships are out of the question.

I think it's GREAT you've registered with this dating site. Really great. I hope so much that you go on some nice dates. I honestly think you're selling yourself way too short because you have SO MUCH to offer. You really do.

Really hope the new med combo helps too (((((((((((((lavie)))))))))))))))

lavie, I'm with sundog, you're selling yourself short. You have a lot to offer, not the least of which is your huge heart. These men aren't perfect either, nobody is.

Have fun, be yourself, and enjoy meeting people.

Cyran0

Absolutely Lavie! Don't feel bad because you are not always the person you used to be--in some ways, you are no doubt better. You undoubtedly understand yourself and the world around you better, even if you are struggling with depression. You express yourself so well--you must be highly intelligent as well as creative and caring. I don't know you well, but I see lots of attributes to admire. Do enjoy exploring meeting men and possibly forming new friendships and relationships.

Hope the new med combo works for you. You deserve a brighter future!

There are lots of people who try and mask their depression, and most everyone dresses up their appearances and profiles to reveal only their best side. You are not alone, and you are much, much more than your depression.

I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. I get fed a steady stream of women who seemingly have much more figured out than I do. I still make the attempt at sending out messages, but with little luck. But I suppose that's better than not making the choice to try again and again anyway. My advice is take a chance. As has been mentioned already, people tend to put on only their best faces when filling out those profiles. People are much more complicated than can be easily described on a dating site.

Thank you to everyone who replied. You are all so kind and compassionate. I've always believed that everyone else looks great, and feels confident, has great friends, lovely homes, while I don't fit in anywhere. This has been going on my entire life. I'm trying to find acceptance for what I can't change, trying to change what I can. It's SO hard for me to let others know the parts of myself and my life that cause me shame and embarrassment. My impulse is to withdraw and hide. Yet, there's a healthy impulse as well that seeks connection. It's such a push/pull. Thanks again for your wonderful supportive comments.

I've always been the same way. ((((lavieenrose))))

Cyran0

I've always believed that everyone else looks great, and feels confident, has great friends, lovely homes, while I don't fit in anywhere. This has been going on my entire life. I'm trying to find acceptance for what I can't change, trying to change what I can. It's SO hard for me to let others know the parts of myself and my life that cause me shame and embarrassment. My impulse is to withdraw and hide. Yet, there's a healthy impulse as well that seeks connection. It's such a push/pull.

I feel the same way lavieen rose.

Hello, Lavieenrose!
My own thoughts of myself.

How I wish either the dating or the workshop (or both!) would provide you with people who send you positive messages about yourself. Being depressed means the messages may not get through properly, but at least they would be in the air and you might breathe them in.

I'm especially picturing you doing the doll-making. You will be taking a few inanimate materials and transforming them into something that may bring joy to another life. From the workshop, how many of those dolls will bring smiles and happy thoughts to how many people? Over the years, the skills you impart may grow and multiply and touch many lives for good.

May the best successes be yours, Lavieenrose.

Thanks CyranO, Kiffy and Rohag. I appreciate it. It is hard for messages to get through. I've gotten so much positive feedback over a lifetime. I don't understand why it doesn't alter my self-perception. Still, I feel less alone when I read your comments.

I still haven't been back to the dating site since I started this thread. I think that this dating thing is going to move v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y for me.

Hey, move at your own pace. You have all the time in the world.

Cyran0

Same here, definitely.

I've always believed that everyone else looks great, and feels confident, has great friends, lovely homes, while I don't fit in anywhere.

I am discovering that many people who don't suffer with depression also feel this way and they mask their true feelings too. If we could only learn their secrets for appearing just fine!

lavie, you are still that person you described at the dating site. right now tho it's clouded by the depression that distorts who you think you are. i applaud your at least trying to meet men with similar traits,education, etc as you. that shows a willingness to change and grow back into a butterfly.
i'm so glad i've gotten to know you here at pc. we have so many things in common, not just our love of art. when i went on SSD i felt guilty being at home. my T suggested i do some of my painting..something i had put aside when i worked. well i'd hyperventilate when i'd sit down with my paints. T suggested that i do it for 5 seconds then get up. next time, increase time. it desensitized me from my anxiety and fear of the "unknown." i had lost all confidence of me just being me rather than being "productive" me. a lot of time has gone under the bridge since then. even if you only have a mustard seed of hope, your seed will grow. just be gentle and kind to yourself as you do a friend. i know you feel discouraged but i know you can regain joy. how do i know? it happened to me.
i'm so glad we're friends, lavie. always here for you. i felt i have let you down cause i get all over the forums and forget sometimes to say hi in a pm. hugs and i'll make a sincere effort to drop by more often to chat.
you are a very special person in my book and i've relearned how to value my opinion. that's my story and i'm sticking to it.

i think im unlovable sometimes because of mental illness too but i know at the end of the day, those so called "normal" people arent perfect, and people with mental illness can be in relationships and get married. i dont think im the best at giving advice but when my anxiety is high and i have to go somewhere i just get up and throw myself into whatever i have to do that day. my anxiety starts out high but it gets better as the day goes on. kinda like what madisgram said, people with anxiety and phobias are more likely to overcome certain obstacles if they face their fears......its hard but it helps me deal with the anxiety.

Hello, lavieenrose. Have you hunted down the cognitive distortions, debunked and extirpated them?

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/15-...e-distortions/
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/fix...e-distortions/

Thanks to everyone who commented. Halfswede, thanks for identifying. Caretaker Leo, I'd love to learn how "normal" people just carry on without exposing their insecurities.

Madisgram, I'm so honored to have your friendship, and to benefit from what you've learned in your recovery. That "blank canvas syndrome" can be so intimidating. Perfectionism is such a bane. I also feel often that I'm not being a good friend to you and others at PC, not making much contact. I aim to do better.

Sopunkrock, thanks. I need the example of folks like you who despite anxiety, get up and get out, facing the fear. It is the only way to get back on track, and stop hiding.

Byz, thanks for the reminder re cognitive distortions. I'm getting a bit better at talking back to them from a more rational and hopeful perspective. And thanks for the word "extirpate". I thought that was something treated with laxatives.