[akekaomen]

well back to my old depressed state. This one is strange or maybe different than the others. I don't like going to sleep at night and hate waking up in the morning. I'm exhausted all day and can barely get through work. I'm trying my best to fake my way through work so no one notices that I'm really not thinking clearly at all.

After using up nearly all my time off, I finally built up enough to take today off as a depressed day, but of course, that's only one day of relief. I'm now not wanting to go to sleep because I know I have to wake up very early (less than 6 hours now) to get ready for work. Not looking forward to the train again. Every day twice a day 2 hours each way. My long-term goal now is to find a job closer to home, but that means taking a significant pay cut. That's not so easy to take when I'm the only one working and barely supporting our family as it is. But I'm going to see if I can get something close to home anyway. I'm not a robot and my family knows they have to compensate for me making less money.

Being depressed and unmotivated makes it hard to relate to others (or feel related to by others). I don't know anyone who is successful in my career field who is depressed like me. As far as I know everyone else just copes with it just fine. It really does feel like it's just me since there are so many people that take the same trip in to work just as far as me and cope. Why not me? I don't know. It's like hell is in my backyard. I'm not in it, but I can see it clearly. I could go there and completely break down into horrible depression and ruin my life (not go to work and eventually get fired). For now I'm going to just watch the hell in my mind's backyard. I'll turn away from it and go back to my day feeling it calling me, but I will not do what my feelings want me to do (sleep and do nothing).

Writing on here helps even if no one can fix the problem. My docs can't change anything, so it's all about me finding a way to cope. As my therapist said at the end of a session, "good luck finding something that works for you." Yes good luck to me indeed. I have a family that needs me, so I survive and continue for them. The kids are growing up fast and I want them to have good memories of their childhood with me as their father. Trying to make more money won't help that and pushing myself to advance in a career I hate won't help either. There's nothing wrong with taking a job that's a step down and taking less money because of the market difference in regions. I can't afford to move closer to my current job, so I'll make my long-term goal to have a job here so I can be with my family more.

This is my emotion. I will feel it, but I will not act on it.

[Rohag]

Hello, Akekaomen!

Four hours of commuting per day... Sure, I know people do that, but I certainly couldn't.

Originally Posted by akekaomen

My long-term goal now is to find a job closer to home...

Sounds entirely reasonable to me.

Originally Posted by akekaomen

As my therapist said at the end of a session, "good luck finding something that works for you."

Aren't therapists supposed to help you find "something that works for you?"

[SoupDragon]

Hi, sorry things are so difficult right now. Wow sounds like a really tiring day with that long journey and I really get the faking it at work - I struggle at work everyday and am terrified one of these days the spotlight is going to fall on me and I will get rumbled.

I can really relate to the things you have written and I just keep going and have faith that oneday things will feel better, even hope for enjoyment, and this dark cloud will be more manageable -

[kaliope]

gee, your therapist certainly isnt helpful. i went thru a period where i absolutely hated going to work each day so i found a positive in it - i love my paycheck- and refocused on that everytime i thought negatively on my job. it went on for a couple months but focusing on my paycheck made it more tolerable until i passed through that mood because i really do like what it do.

i would focus on those four commute hours. bring something along that can help you relax and enjoy yourself because you can make them your hours. use the time to read some good books, books on tape, music, guided imagery, knit, crochet, journal. if you could do something during that time that made you feel good, that make you look forward to that time on the train it would go a long way to improving your outlook toward work and life in general i would think.

[akekaomen]

I talked with my therapist about it and he just asked if I expected him to come up with an answer. I told him I know he can't, but it still felt hopeless leaving like that. I know it's up to me to find a way to recover and cope, but it would just be helpful to feel like it's not some hopeless endeavor.

As far as the commute, it's been hardest because I don't like to go to sleep at night, so I'm very tired on the train. I used to try to do things, but mostly I now just listen to music and either count or actually try to sleep. Guided imagery is very hard for me to do - I've tried a few times while in a partial hospital program. The connections are the worst with the commute. After the train, it's wait around for a subway and then a shuttle bus. These days I try to be comfortable, so I won't push myself into crowded places anymore. I'll wait for the next bus if I have to.

As far as the paycheck, I don’t care much about it anymore. I don’t see any of the benefits because the apartment we have we can barely afford and it’s so small that my 11 year old is supposed to room with my 4 year old and that doesn’t work anymore. Now my 4 year old sleeps in my bedroom and I’m on the couch in the living room. There’s no place for me to go when things are stressful. I’ll often listen or write music on the computer to block everything out. One nice thing has been that when I am able to cope with the smallness, I can really enjoy the kids and I look forward to that.

I can probably trace this whole episode back to two major factors. Given that I’ve always felt generally down, I typically had the ability to just find ways to cope. It wasn’t perfect, but functional. Now I’m barely functional and hoping to not fall apart. I’m a manager level, so I have a lot of responsibility that I’m not good at taking care of in this state.

Back to the source: I realize the posts are long and probably not read, but it’s helpful to write things out (putting on words in DBT skills). My p-doc tried to bring me down off a dose another p-doc had for one of my meds. It was technically at an off-label dose, but had been kind of working overall when it was bumped up to that level (years ago). When I went down, I noticed things weren’t as easy as they used to be and of course my current p-doc brought things back up to the old level. I haven’t really ever gotten back to any kind of baseline, which is probably partially due to the other issue that came up.

My therapist was having me talk about my childhood, which I think now is not useful in therapy. I’ve got 45 minutes to talk and if we get to an emotionally charged area, I can’t do anything when time’s up except leave and go back to work. Well some of the things that came up made a lot of connections about things going on now and it put me in some kind of strange place. Basically I just couldn’t accept that things are the way they are and want to fight it.

My descent ends with me on leave from work to go to a partial hospitalization. I gain decent coping skills, but the feelings never go away. It’s just a hard process to go through. I’m fighting now with whether I should accept everything or fight. I want a mentor or someone to just tell me what’s best for me, because I can’t think clearly. My job is good, but frustrating. I can gain a lot of value from it, but mostly I now get frustrated and angry because I feel incompetent and frustrated that I work so hard, but certain others get to waste time investigating things I’ve already proven won’t work.

I have an interview for a place near home, but because it’s a pay cut it may not work out. Also it’s a step down. I worked hard and gave a lot of energy toward advancing and now I’m looking to step down. It feels permanent, but I know it’s not. It doesn’t stop me from trying again later.

[akekaomen]

I wasn't doing well for a while, but I'm kind of bouncing back up a little. I'm not motivated to do anything responsible except what I want, but at least I have some motivation to do something. I've been making very short lists of things to do at work and trying to be less hurtful to myself about not being able to get everything done. The fact is that I was able to do a lot a while ago and I can ride that for a little while.

My wife has been very helpful after I told her I needed something to hope for and that saving even a little money each paycheck makes me feel hopeful. She's started working on ideas to cut corners, which made me feel good. I know it's not going to last forever, so I'm going to try to enjoy not feeling horrible while I can. I still feel on a razors edge though. Like any one thing can devastate me, but I have to remember that I can't see the future.

The point is, I got up, went to work and am working and trying. That's a big deal for a person with depression and a success. Everyone else can be a superstar, I'll try to be happy with getting through my day.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by akekaomen

One nice thing has been that when I am able to cope with the smallness, I can really enjoy the kids and I look forward to that.

This is wonderful! The timing of my depression made it possible for me to be more available for my son at an important time in his life.

Originally Posted by akekaomen

...I'm going to try to enjoy not feeling horrible while I can.
...
The point is, I got up, went to work and am working and trying. That's a big deal for a person with depression and a success. Everyone else can be a superstar, I'll try to be happy with getting through my day.

Yes. These are genuine victories.

[akekaomen]

This weekend felt like a failure because I really couldn't handle being at home. I was out sick on Friday too, but happy to be sick so I didn't have to go in to work. Of course being sick meant that I couldn't get to my p-doc appointment scheduled for last friday and I'm becoming more convinced that the meds aren't working or not as effective as they used to be.

I've lost interest and have no drive or goals. This has been transient in the past, but now it's lasted months. I can get to a point (as noted above) where i can appreciate some things, but the fact is it seems this isn't just about me failing to use coping skills. I've been tracking the skills I've been using to cope on a worksheet, so I am trying.

Yesterday I wasn't even comfortable in my own skin. It was like I wanted to burst out of myself.

Back up and at work again today. I will try again and not let the weekend truly get to me. It wasn't a failure, but just the way I acted and felt. I could have acted differently, but didn't. I can only change now and the future, so don't judge the past.

[mt1971]

I'm glad you were able to get up and go to work today, and not judging the past. I didn't go to work today, but I'll be there tomorrow. It's encouraging that you haven't given up, and are trying to find ways to cope. It gives me hope that I will pull out of the dark place I'm in right now.

[akekaomen]

Originally Posted by mt1971

I'm glad you were able to get up and go to work today, and not judging the past. I didn't go to work today, but I'll be there tomorrow. It's encouraging that you haven't given up, and are trying to find ways to cope. It gives me hope that I will pull out of the dark place I'm in right now.

I'm sorry you are in such a dark place right now. Thank you for your comment. It makes me feel that rambling on has been somewhat helpful to not only myself .

I think being non-judgmental is really hard. I use those words all the time in my head. I call everything stupid and it just is part of me now to the point I'm stupid. I know the CBT type stuff - change your thoughts; change your feelings, etc..., but it doesn't make it easier to not judge. When depressed, you really don't have the mental energy to fight, but that's what you have to do is fight your brain.

[akekaomen]

Continuing my stupid ongoing saga, I've got in to work and now things just went down hill. I hate this because I really hate everyone around me and don't want to be some stupid leader around here. I want a job that gives me less responsibility. Too many people depend on me - my family, people at work.

I'm getting those thoughts about wishing my family would just leave me or I would just get fired so I'd have a reason to really destroy my life. My career's probably over anyway since I can't even do the work.

Ok one minute now not Ok. What the HELL!?

[akekaomen]

So it seems that a lot of my current depression is stemming from this childhood emotional abuse thing. It's frustrating because I'm not even sure how to get over this and I imagine it will take years.

I told my T that I wanted to just stop compensating on purpose. I wanted to take a break from being able to get to work, function in society. I won't of course, but the idea makes me feel good sometimes.

It always sounds so cliche, but I guess it's true, I didn't get enough love/attention from mom and dad, so I'm now screwed up. Damn!