[FW82]

I'm having one of my bad weeks right now, and I just don't see the point.

Around 5 years ago I've made myself a promise to end it all when I turn 30. Of course I won't do it when I have a good life by then (basically a good job and a relationship). 3,5 years have passed since I made this promise to myself, and things haven't gotten better. My life is filled with doubt and fear, and I will never get over it. But now, time isn't on my side. The clock is ticking and nothing changes.

I am trying to get out of this depression, but I always fall right back in. Sure, I've had my good days, even good months. But I've never been truly happy. I've always kept everything pretty much to myself, so noone would hurt me. But someone came into my life, and I trusted her. I fell hopelessly in love with her, and she knows everything about me. There was a connection, but we have never had any physical contact. I felt on top of the world, until she betrayed me.

That was half a year ago. I can't get over it, and I feel like such a loser because of that. I realised then, that I'm just to f***ed up to have a chance of leading a happy life. I will never meet someone, and if I do, I will probably find some flaws and just leave her. Or I will hang onto her, like she's my only hope. Either way, it isn't good. And, of course, it's purely hypothetical. I have to be realistic.

I don't have any goals that I want to achieve. I just keep going like this until I'm 30. I am seeing a T for half a year, and I also applied for group therapy. So I am trying to change things. People say that I have changed over the last 6 months, but I still feel the same.

I think the idea to stop at 30 has really settled deep into my brain. It seems like the only logical thing to do. I have only told my T this, and I think it scared her. I told it in a calm and reasonable way, which probably is much more scarier than the depressed, emotional way. I think it will scare other people as well, so I don't tell it to anyone.

Even starting yet another thread makes me feel like the biggest loser. When I joined PC, I was supposed to make little baby steps, and help others while getting better. In reality I just keep falling into depression.

I am sorry for wasting your time.

[Earl Sweatshirt]

Your life sounds really challenging and tough to cope with right now, but AT LEAST you at least have a general idea of what you want: an honest girlfriend, a good job, and to be "truly happy." Both of those things can be had by you, no matter how sh#tty you feel right now.

What I want you to be aware of is that there are still things you want that you haven't gotten yet. Working towards them (even if the journey is difficult) will be worth it in the end.

Well dude, I tried suicide in the past and just ended up blacking out, waking up, and not remembering where I was; it seemed like a dream. I think I might even try it again just because I don't even want to be happy because I know it is just another experience I can have as a human being and eventually things come to an end.

Below is what you said...

I'm just to f***ed up to have a chance of leading a happy life. I will never meet someone, and if I do, I will probably find some flaws and just leave her. Or I will hang onto her, like she's my only hope. Either way, it isn't good. And, of course, it's purely hypothetical. I have to be realistic.

With an attitude like that, it's going to be pretty tough to get where you want to be. Relationships take work for everyone, so "finding flaws and leaving" and/or "hanging onto her" are not the best strategies to employ. Maybe try changing up the way you approach things and be conscious of what you are doing so that you don't end up doing/getting exactly what you DON'T want...

I don't have any goals that I want to achieve. I just keep going like this until I'm 30. I am seeing a T for half a year, and I also applied for group therapy. So I am trying to change things. People say that I have changed over the last 6 months, but I still feel the same.

Although you don't have goals you want to achieve, you pretty much expressed the interest that you'd like an honest girlfriend/relationship, a good job, and to be "truly happy." Why not set some goals to get those things? Therapy is great, but it's not a cure all, fix all, or magic trick from The Prestige. You've got to take personal responsibility by accepting your situation, clearly defining what you want in life, and working towards it.

A lot of people are depressed because they can't get what they want. Life is not THAT easy. If people all got what they wanted, what would be the point in even living? It would be too easy. If you feel like you haven't changed over the past 6 months, you maybe haven't. Why not try something new so that you actually feel some change?

Best of luck sir.

[Rohag]

Hello, FW82! Just my opinion: Time spent pondering difficult questions is not wasted.

Depression, doubt, fear, deeply grieving a relationship -- has your psychiatrist addressed how you are feeling in light of your father?

[FW82]

Thank you for your replies. I'm feeling a bit better now. I'm trying the best I can, and that is not a lot. I just don't have the qualities to chat to strange women, or to feel better.

I generally hate people. People lie and they betray you. Just when I thought I found someone who I thought could be trusted, I got stabbed in the back. Which leads to my initial thought that people can't be trusted. I know that is no way to live, so it's better to just quit. Even when I type this, it seems like the only logical thing to do.

Also I don't have any goals in life. I can try to set some goals for myself, but I know I will never reach my own goals. I just need to do everything perfectly, and when I fail, I get depressed. I have always had the goal to be happy, but this just seems like an impossible goal, since I never even came close.

People have always said that I have great potential, and I started to believe it somehow. But when you reach 25 and have dropped out of college, you'll realise that you totally f***ed up.

I don't think my father is the issue. He's dead and buried now, and he has been the perfect excuse for me to act very withdrawn. I now realise that he has never been the problem, I was. So I can't blame him, I can only blame myself.

I guess I'm just waiting for a miracle to happen. Because I am unable to change by myself.

[Earl Sweatshirt]

Originally Posted by FW82

I generally hate people. People lie and they betray you. Just when I thought I found someone who I thought could be trusted, I got stabbed in the back. Which leads to my initial thought that people can't be trusted. I know that is no way to live, so it's better to just quit. Even when I type this, it seems like the only logical thing to do.

Hate people? Man that's not a good attitude to have. There are plenty of good people in the world that are trustworthy and honest. If you haven't experienced/interacted with them. As someone who knows people that are extremely honest and trustworthy, I can tell you that they are out there. In order for them to befriend you though, you have to be honest/trustworthy yourself. If you lie, cheat, compete, etc these sorts of people are going to avoid you.

Originally Posted by FW82

Also I don't have any goals in life. I can try to set some goals for myself, but I know I will never reach my own goals. I just need to do everything perfectly, and when I fail, I get depressed. I have always had the goal to be happy, but this just seems like an impossible goal, since I never even came close.

You should just set one goal and work towards it everyday. Don't set a bunch of goals, it's too tough, especially when you are just getting started. If you say "I know I will never reach my goals" that's on you... At least you recognize you want to do everything "perfectly." All you have to do is stop doing it - you realize that it's holding you back. Just say that it's okay to not be perfect. As an FYI: being happy is not an impossible goal...

Originally Posted by FW82

People have always said that I have great potential, and I started to believe it somehow. But when you reach 25 and have dropped out of college, you'll realise that you totally f***ed up.

Everyone has potential, it's the people that use what their given that do things. You can always go back to college - it's not that complicated or "totally f***ed up" like you say. Just re-register and go back...

Originally Posted by FW82

I don't think my father is the issue. He's dead and buried now, and he has been the perfect excuse for me to act very withdrawn. I now realise that he has never been the problem, I was. So I can't blame him, I can only blame myself.

I guess I'm just waiting for a miracle to happen. Because I am unable to change by myself.

You need to take responsibility for where you're at even if you didn't cause yourself to be this way. Taking 100% responsibility for where you are at is the only way things are going to improve. Waiting for a miracle to happen isn't going to change anything.

Don't dwell on where you're at, focus on what you want and work towards it. It's not easy, but you can get there and overcome what you're going through if you try. You always have the conscious choice to change... Just like you can decide whether you want to turn right or left at an intersection. You have a choice, it's up to you to make the choice to do activities that improve your situation instead of choosing to stagnate/stay trapped.

Best wishes.

[FW82]

A few months have passed now, and I can't say I'm doing a lot better. I'm doing a little bit better though.

I have a job now, but it isn't as much fun as my old job. Also, I don't feel "at home" there. Like I belong there. I know I should be happy that I have a job, but I just want more.

I don't ever want to be the guy that spends the rest of his live in the same office, I want to keep moving and reach the top.

But I'm not doing that for myself, I'm doing it to prove everyone wrong. The "unemployment office" wouldn't help me get a job, because I was too "depressed". The woman I was (probably still am) in love with turned out to be a gold-digger, so I want to show her I can make money too. And those backstabbing ex-colleagues never gave me any support, so it was easier for them to fire me. I want to prove all those people wrong!

I think this is the wrong motivation, but I don't have anything else to keep me going.

It's either this, or die.

I know this is not the right way to live, and I know I'm falling gradually into another depression. I only have 2 choices now: go on like this, knowing I will breakdown. Or count down the days till I'm 30.

I apologize for yet another negative post, but I just need to get this off my chest. I don't really talk to anyone, I pretty much live like a hermit, because it's safe.

Any advice would be great, but don't feel obliged. Thank you for reading this.

[SoupDragon]

Hi FW82 - I too set myself an ultimatum to end it all unless x,y,z happens - I swing between really being overwhelmed with those thoughts and feelings and feeling more robust.

I have done a lot of reading about suicide and there are a few things that I hold onto in the hope if I got near the edge these would help me to hang on for a little longer.

The reason I started seeing T was because of these thoughts - I wouldn't give a monkey's about how other people would feel if I wasn't here, but I had a strong visual image of my kids confused faces standing at a grave side and I couldn't do that to them.

When I am in the depths of it, it is really hard to be rational, but when I am clearer headed I recognise all those depressive symptoms of all or nothing - either I will be really happy or really sad, dead or alive and I am working hard to find a mid ground.

I have done a lot of reading around mindfulness and buddhism in general and I have also found some really insightful things in books by Pema Chodron, such as The Place That Scare You which I would recommed to anyone.

At night I also look out into space and see all the stars and planets - out of all the millions / billions of them, ours is the most special planet of them all - I also think about the history of this planet, of the millions of people who have experienced life and I can feel fortunate that I have been given this chance to experience life.

How wonderful if life were full of happiness, but I have also read that we learn most about ourselves in times of difficulties. So I have had a mental shift from thinking that my life is only worthwhile if I am happy and loved, for me now, life is about learning about myself, being interested in myself, trying not to judge, not to escape, but just being interested. Interested when I feel down, when I have those awful thoughts and images and when on occasions I find myself smiling.

This gives me a purpose, a focus. It is not easy, had a real wobble last week, but somehow I keep plodding and learning.

There is a saying I have heard alot about suicide being a permanent solution to a temporary problem and I also hold onto that.

You have created a threat to carry around with you and that must be tough and I can see how that part of you could back you into a corner. I wonder if it is true that you only have 2 choices, I can see 3,
1) dying,
2) staying the same
or the missing one being
3) to not die, but to choose to live and learn to not stay the same.

I hope your T and group therapy are useful to you. I have just been contemplating discussing my stuff with T and I am also worried that it may disturb T and I want to protect him, it can feel very lonely.

I can't say I hate everyone, but I have major trust issues, I don't trust anyone - working to trust T, but that is very difficult at times, still haven't let T get anywhere near holding my hand in 18 months. I switch between feeling scared of this and of being interested in my reactions to others - I get in a better place when I can be interested.

I am sorry if this is a bit of a ramble, I know what I want to say, but it doesn't always flow well.

Take care - Soup