[Nocturne]

Hi, I could use a little help. I have been in treatment for depression for about 6 months now. For a while, I was feeling great! The sessions with the therapist & the meds were really making the old me come back to the surface (if you know what I mean).

I feel like I have started sliding back down over the last couple of weeks & my wife wants me out of the house “the sooner the better”. I thought I had a lead on a place to go but it fell apart on me. I just started looking for a place again but the rents are WAY out of my range. I need to get out quick & don’t want to end up in a shelter. Anyone got any ideas?

If you need more details, or whatever, please feel free to send me a private message.

Thanks for you help!

Noc

[SeptemberMorn]

Hey, Nocturne. It may feel as if you're lost but you're not, really.

How do you feel about being pressured to "get out the sooner the better"? You need to be good to yourself and not jump off that cliff without looking. If you can, why don't you try talking to your wife and ask her to give you some time to find a place. I'm sure even the courts would allow you time to find a place to go.

Good luck... and I hope you keep posting. With all these great minds, someone's sure to find an answer.

<font color=blue>Don't die with your music still in you.</font color=blue>

[kvinneakt]

I am very sorry about your trouble.

I don't like your being kicked out! Why does not she leave?

<font color=blue>[b] Wherever you go, there you are[b]<font color=blue>

[bevers]

Is your wife asking you to leave because of the depression?

She needs to know depression is a sickness, like any other illness.
She needs to stop pushing you..... I know your lost and very low,
tell her you need time to find anew place to live....
Don't give up going to your psychiatrists and keep up with the meds.
It will get better.... ..... stay in contact with friends who understand
including this group here...

Bevers

[Nocturne]

You guys are asking the right questions. I’ll try to answer them; why doesn’t she leave? She has always been more financially responsible than I. I just can’t handle money; it’s one of the biggest issues that I have been trying to deal with. Even since I have been in treatment, I’ve screwed up another credit card. I just can’t control myself, I spend like an alcoholic drinks. So if we not want the house to foreclosed on she needs to stay here.

Does she know that depression is a sickness? Yes she does. I have been dealing with her physical disability for 7 or 8 years now. She would say I haven’t done a good job of it but I have tried. So I have been diagnosed since the end of March with a psychological disability & she was supportive for about 4 weeks. I just don’t understand it! I thought she was my soul mate for many years & when I really need her help she is slamming the door in my face.

I’m not perfect but I am trying to make thing better for our relationship & myself & when I ask her what she is doing to improve things all she can say is she is watching me to see if I succeed. I don’t think it can work without a real effort on both of our parts because I see that we have both brought us to this point. We just started couple therapy last week & now she wants me out. I’m not leaving until after our next session & even at that, I don’t know where to go.

To make matters worse, we have a beautiful 4-year-old daughter. I don’t know if my wife has the strength to be the primary caregiver for her. I don’t know that I am the right choice either. I came home the other day in the middle of the afternoon & found my wife in bed & my little girl with free rein of the house. I don’t think that is acceptable. Using the TV as a babysitter is bad enough but to actually go to bed knowing that she is up & no one else is there seems dangerous to me.

I thank you guys for listening to me vent. I only have 2 people that I can dump all this junk on & I feel like that’s all I do these days. Nice to have a group that knows what it’s like to bounce things off of.

Noc

[Rapunzel]

This is so sad. Do you still love your wife? It sounds like she's not giving you much of a chance. I don't know what to say to help you except to consider me one more person who is sending good thoughts and best wishes your direction. Somehow things will work out for you.

Have you told her that you are trying but it will take both of you in order to succeed? What does your counselor say about her not giving you support, and about you moving out?

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

[LMo]

Rapunzel - well wait, though. I don't want to criticize Nocturne in any way at all, because I can clearly hear the suffering that he is experiencing. But, I wouldn't say that his wife isn't giving him much of a chance -- this has been going on for quite a long time, and remember that he has a spending problem. That can take a HUGE toll on anybody's marriage, regardless of whether depression is in the picture.

Nocturne - I'm sorry that things are taking a turn for the worse. I remember you posting several months ago, when your wife originally asked you to leave. You posted right before you moved out (I think you were going to stay in your truck -- I was encouraging you to at least find a friend to stay with). It seems like a lot has happened since then, including you moving back in! It's a shame that your wife can't stick to her decisions (move out... ok, you can move back in now... now move out again), because I'm sure it is really disrupting to any progress you are obviously trying really hard to make. Also for your daughter -- you are definitely doing the right thing by being concerned about your wife's ability to be a single caretaker.

I'm glad that you're seeing a couples' therapist. Hopefully he/she will be able to help mediate a fair interim solution until you can work things out for the long term.

I'm thinking of you,

LMo

We are ALL going to be a-ok!

[LadyDragus]

first off, she sounds like she needs help too..

I do not know what state you live in, but where I live that is called "child endergment" very bad thing, for any parent to be in bed, and the child up running around let alone at 4 years old..
Couple counsling is a great idea, but you need to find out why?? she is saying she wants you out. if you hvae been supportive of her problems why cant she be supportive of yours..
That is just wrong, a marriage is a 50/50 thing not 100 on one person it does not work that way. Trust me I have been there before, and it never works out, one or the other needs to change..
It sounds like you are trying, messing up on a credit card is ok, as long as you cut it up and never use it again!!!!!!!

Ok, you both need to fiqrure out if you are or can stay with each other. If not, then she needs to give you the time to find a place you can afford so you will be able to pay child support if that is asked for.. You both need to think eveything over before you "jump of a cliff" or dive head frist into a deaper debt or deperssion on both of your parts......

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[heidu]

Nocturne, we haven't met yet so hello :O)
I can only speak from my point of view so stick with me and see if you can relate to any of this.

What I need from my husband is a sincere apology from his heart with the understanding that he did wrong and wants to change. Then I need to see sincere and honest effort.
It's obvious that you are getting help by going to counseling and taking meds. That's a really good step to show your wife you want to improve.

I also have to agree with Lmo, the problems in your marriage have been going on for awhile and alot of anger, hurt and resentment can build up. For me in my marriage, I was so unhappy and constantly dissapointed. My husband is trying but he has alot of growing to do and it is a slow process. I know it also takes alot of effort on my part because he screwed up so badly he can do 5 things right but one wrong and the one wrong is the one that gets focused on because it brings up alot of hurt again. It is very hard to forget and sometimes to forgive and it takes time.

In my personal situation I am doing my part by trying to be rational about the stituation. I am trying to deal with the problems that my relationship caused for me. I am trying to be a little more open but I am afraid my husband isn't getting much from me. When I see him truely trying and sincere then he gets an inch but he has to have given a mile. She said she is waiting for you to succeed. We all have different levels of what success means to us.

Maybe you could sit down with her and tell her what you want to do to make things better and ask her what "success" means to her. It's alot of pressure on you if you don't know exactly what is expected of you.

If she does want your maariage to work and you are wiling to do whatever you can to remedy the problems then she will also need to understand that it will take time and you will make mistakes. The most important thing is that you don't give up and you don't give in. I don't believe success is reaching the goal but how you have dealt with the obstacles along the way.

It sounds like you have a serious spending problem and that can be very hard on a relationship. With counseling and will you can beat that and your wife will need to see you really making the effort. When you are spending you are putting her and your daughters security in jeopardy. You are making the future unstable. You are taking away from them things they could have or need. It must be very hard on your wife to deal with it. I know I would have a serious problem. It's ok to have a little fun sometimes but I know how an alcoholic drinks so I can't even imagine.

Your wife may be suffering from some depression herself. Has she in the past ever left your child unattended? Maybe with all the stress of what's going on she doesn't have the strength and maybe she will make mistakes too. I hope you can work together and do what's best for your child. Maybe you could tell her that when she needs a break you could take your daughter for some hours so she can rest or do something for herself.

It does sound like she is hanging on to your relationship for whatever reason and she did say she was waiting for something from you. It sounds like you have to give her a reason to believe in you.

I'm gonna end this for now. It got WAY longer than I intended. I just related more to how your wife may be feeling and wanted to give you my thoughts.

Hugs and best wishes,
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[Nocturne]

First off, let me say thanks to you all for your kind (and otherwise) words. I know I have a responsibility for what’s going on. I also know it is not 100%. All I have been looking for is some support from her. I have been working on beating this depression since late March / early April. I feel like I had 2-weeks where she was “tolerant” to what I was going through, not even really supportive.

I feel some of the behavior I have seen from my wife has not been rational. When I approach her on this she gets very defensive, thinks I’m trying to document that she has psychological problem. Nothing could be further from the truth; I really wanted this to work. This has been a crappy week for me emotionally :-(

I’d like to answer a few of your questions that have remained unanswered:

Lmo: Don’t worry about being too truthful for me, I can take it & need to ( a dose of reality). You have a good memory & I didn’t end up sleeping in my pickup, combination of good friends & family.

Lady Dragus: Thanks for your words; they show me someone else is looking at this about the same way I am.

Heidu: “waiting to see if I succeed” is just an example that she is doing nothing to help correct the problem. When I was out of the house for 18 or so days this summer, we both made lists of things we needed from each other. I was expected to agree too everything on her list but she would not commit to doing anything that was on my list. Just so you know, I had items like “go out with your friends at least once a month” & she had things like “do more of the housework”. I just don’t understand her anymore.
“tell her that when she needs a break you could take your daughter for some hours…”
This is automatically assumed whenever I am at home. If I’m home, I get up with my daughter at least 6 out of 7 days. I bring her to preschool 2 days a week partly to give my wife a break. Where’s my break?

I don’t know what’s going tomorrow, but we only need to make it to Monday morning, our 2nd couples session. Thanks again for the input & well whishes, they really help!

Noc

[SeptemberMorn]

Nocturne, just adding another couple of pennies of my own. Like Heidu said, it sounds like your wife has issues of her own, like depression. If she has a physical disability and you have been a support for her, then she may well feel threatened and afraid of abandonment. At least, it sounds that way to me. She may be reacting to the situation from fear and maybe some hopelessness. Sounds like she is depressed, too. From what you've said, this has been going on for some time and the both of you could very well be exhausted emotionally. That creates even more depression.

I'm with Lady D. Leaving a child unattended while you take a nap is child endangerment! Is there a grandmother or a trusted friend who could watch your little girl for you? Maybe if the three of you spent a weekend alone, away from each other, you could get some rest from everything and come back somewhat refreshed.

I can feel your need to hang on until your next couples' meeting. When it comes your turn, express your feelings by starting out saying "I feel..." Don't accuse your wife of anything. Keep it personal. Example: "I feel very concerned and frightened to know that my daughter was left unattended for ... (however long it was.) ... I feel panicky and dejected/rejected when I'm asked to leave on a moment's notice. ... I feel ___ when I don't have anywhere to go."

Good luck. We're all pulling for you.



<font color=blue>Don't die with your music still in you.</font color=blue>

[Nocturne]

This is the other half, NOT Nocturne. I feel very strongly that I have to reply to the accusation that I left our beautiful 4 year old daughter running "free rein" around the house while I slept mid afternoon. In the first place, the doors were locked and the upstairs gaited (by me, not Noc who forgets) and our home is very child proofed (by me, not Noc) and I had the FLU. I was shaking and unable to get my sister or my friend to come over, Nocs folks "are too old" according to them to watch their granddaughter, and so to stop the shakes I was laying AWAKE on my waterbed while our daughter played on the table and watched tv and came in to see me every five minutes or so. Noc, you can either tell the parts of the stories you've left out or you will not get the help that you need. The fact that you wrote this in this way and have never felt the need to be sorry for any of the things you have done or leaving our beautiful daughter in a house where I can't afford to turn the heat up more to warm up is evidence of that. I wish that things were so much different and that your actions were the same as all these wonderful stories. But they are stories and the actions don't support them.
Not Noc

[Duchess]

woooooooo
Hello Noc ~ Not Noc
what's going on.......this is some serious stuff that can tick the wrong trigger. I hope everything is well in the Noc House hold. not being married, I'm an old soul stuck in this young body..... you guys really need too sit down and try too come too some agreement,
CHILD@HEART: your Daughter is your main concern!
It's a cruel world out there. you guys are her ROLEMODELS and you hold the key too her future. think of HER. Noc Depression is something Cureable within time. Physical Disabillity is a life time of suffering.
What Disabilitys does she have?? Nocs Wife??{ maybe a little support and comfort could push him too feel better to want too do more.
CHILD@HEART...................
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Duchess~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ABOUT THE NINTH HOUR JESUS CRIED OUT IN A LOAD VOICE, "ELOI,ELOI, LAMA SABACHTHANI?"~WHICH MEANS~"MY GOD, MYGOD,WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?"
~MATTHEW27:46.
MY GOD,MYGOD WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?WHY ARE YOU SO FAR FROM SAVING ME,SO FAR FROM THE WORDS OF MY GROANING?~ PSALM 22:1