I am sad.

Since getting out of the hospital, I have been in and out of immobilizing depression. I am spending way too much time on the computer, but it seems to make me feel less alone.

I don't expect anyone to find the state of my mind all that fascinating. I don't. May I re-express my gratitude for any feedback that is put here.

Possibly, I'm disturbed - anticipating going to a job assignment on Monday. Maybe, I'll come home Monday and be able to say: "Hey, it went okay, and I'm over the initial fear."

Meanwhile, I'm brooding over this, that, and the other thing.

I sent a gift and didn't hear if it was received. In this day and age, when it only takes a few seconds to send an email saying that something sent was received, I am reading something more than just negligence in not hearing from the recipient. Am I being small minded?

I can see how one would be nervous and anxious about any new job/assignment. There are so many unknowns. Will they be nice? Will they like me? Will I be able to do the work? especially hard when one is not feeling one's best. I know you have some physical concerns. Hopefully you can take this weekend to rest up. Do you have any good luck/comfort charm/photo you can take with you on the assignment?

As for not getting any thank you for your gift...my mother used to send my niece and nephew gifts and sometimes would not get any thank yous either, so she sent them an article about the etiquette of such things. I'm not sure if I could do that myself but at least she expressed her feelings. and I don't think you are small-minded. it is a bit rude not to thank someone for a gift.

I've clung to this website because I've felt so forlorn and forsaken today. There is always someone here willing to respond and encourage and comfort.

I must find someplace to find some company in my community. I don't know where to go.

I have wondered the same thing. I have some apps to volunteer but that involves training sessions etc.. if you don't mind waiting a bit. or how about the library? or take a fun (free) class? or check your city's websites for social activities..(look who's giving advice...I am in the same boat)

Sorry to hear that, I'm 23 and have had depression since I was 9.
My dad is the main cause of that, he verbally abuses me and my mom
Just makes excuses for him. I don't trust men in general. They say you
Want to marry a man like your father? That's not true, I wouldn't want
To be him. Hang in there, you can always message me, im here

Until you do, keep clinging. I'm hanging on here for the same reason, and I love that 1. I am so not alone. 2. I am meeting new people that I can sometimes help. and 3.There is so much encouragement and comfort around here.

How nice you all have been. From my heart, I thank you. I'm sorry you are having your own troubling issues. It does sound as though you can understand how I am, because you have experience feeling this way, too.

My house is so messy. I just did dishes that were piling up over days. Paper plates all over the place. I collected and discarded them. I took out the trash. I don't feel much better. I went really low this time. So hard to come up. I'm in decline and I know it. I'm never going to be how I could once be.

Why does someone who doesn't want to talk on the phone to me, or email me, bother to send an birthday gift to me. (Well, someone went on line and had something sent to me from an on-line gift place.) It's not anything I have any need or use for. I want to say, "Don't bother." I guess I won't do that. The gift was sent to comfort the giver, not to comfort me. I feel like boxing it up and sending it to the person who ordered it. But I won't do that.

I know how petty I sound.

I feel like telling this person to just make a donation to the Humane Society in my name in the future. I will probably donate these rather pricey knick-knacks to the Humane Society Thrift Store. I know I sound bitter. Still, I literally have no use or space for what I received.

I'm barely managing to get by from one month to the next, and this person shows off having money to burn by buying these haute couture fancy name brand items of bric-a-brac. One item was expensive candy. It reminds me of Marie Antoinette, "Let them eat cake." I know how terrible I sound. Forgive me for unloading here. I just felt like I was gonna bust. Trying to refrain from sending a note that could create enmity from now until the grave.

Vent all you want. It's better than sending the gift back and creating a fight. I like the idea of donating the nick knacks, but I personally would eat the chocolate if it's the kind you like. Another thing you could do, if the nick knacks are the kind you can do this with, is take a hammer and smash them. That should get a lot of your ill feelings out!

Hang in there, Rose, and keep posting. We are here to listen.

(((((Rose)))))

Rose, you are appreciated here! Hang in there and keep posting

(((((Rose)))))!

I'm sorry you're not feeling well. I send you my best wishes!

I went to a new job assignment yesterday, and got shown the door an hour after arriving for being too slow at my work, plus not really knowing what I was doing. (Yes, they had cause.) Yesterday, I really did not want to live. Still, here I am. I just say "only think about this minute right now" and that is how I keep going. I think you are all such nice persons to post so kindly, and I am glad to have this place to come to.

Hearing/seeing something nice when stuff is hurting kind of bad can counteract an awful lot of pain . . . for me, anyway.

Was it your birthday? Mine is coming up. I feel like I have a target painted on me. I want to celebrate it with my PC pals because I am with you people everyday, right? But I kinda hate the way people think they should or have to call me now, or have the right to call me now. If I haven't talked to you all year, do you think maybe there's a reason, huh? Like maybe even that I can't handle it? A cousin called me this week and because I laughed and made a joke, he said, well you must be alright. Who died and made him Judge Judy?

I'm sorry your job didn't work out, Rose. Thanks for your notes on my page, I was on the library computer today and finally saw them!

My T was practically crying when I told him I was looking forward to "spending" my birthday with my PC pals. I think in a good way! He says you're all such good people, we share such meaningful stuff. I was like, really? But he did, he really meant it. He loves you guys.

Rose, I am SO SORRY the assignment didn't go well!!! Please accept a few hugs from me, and remember how many of us care about you here!


~Buggs

I woke up very sick yesterday. It was a reaction to the meds I took before going to bed. Something to do with the combination of Neurontin and Seroquel added to what I already take. Plus, I was on a pain killer for my neck.
I was very sick.


I'm improved a lot today, but still very under the weather. This is the 3rd time in the past year and a half that I've had a bad reaction to psych meds. This one was a doozzy. Yesterday, I couldn't walk straight when I got out of bed.

I don't think layering on any more meds (polypharmacy) is in my interest. They are just reinstalling meds already tried and not found helpful. With each new resident pdoc, new meds have to be ordered, or they feel they are not doing anything. I have needs that are unmet, and meds won't meet them.

When I get over this (tomorrow - I guess) I don't ever want to feel how bad I did yesterday again . . . . not from psych meds. (Heart rate over 120, unstable walking, flu-like feeling all over. I did not get the flu.)

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time with your meds! I wish I could help, but all I can do is send you a few hugs.
Hope that makes you feel a little better.

Besides sad, I am scared. My employment has been scarce. I did not do well on my last job assignment. Now, I'm scared to go out on another assignment. Also, I am not so well. I have an orthopedic problem and it, now, hinders me, which is kind of new. I feel like I just got much older practically overnight. I'm sore and distressed, mentally and physically.

Mainly, I am extremely depressed about my potential to make things better. At times, I am in despair. A doctor has advised and encouraged me to apply for SSDI. I'm so intimidated by that whole process. Meanwhile, I come on the computer just briefly, because I get too much pain pretty quickly.

Oh Rose! I'm sorry you're hurting physically, too. The doc that advised SSDI, was he a pdoc? If you can get your md and your pdoc to agree you should be on disability for two different reasons, you might have an easier chance of getting it.

Buggs - Thanks for the tip. My regular primary care physician has been the one to advise me to apply for SSDI. He says that I am probably "slow" on my job and not performing adequately due to depression. (They dismissed me from the clinic site for not keeping up with the pace.)

I have a new resident pdoc. I have no idea what he will say about this issue. People tell me that I would have a right to expect him to be supportive.

The pain in my neck is disabling, and it has caused me tremendous anxiety. The anxiety seems to lead to horrible depression. I have been in bed the past 36 hours and that has eased the soreness. I must not stay on the computer for more than a few minutes.

I have lost over 5 pounds this past week. I am eating very little and don't seem to care, as long as I have some juice or water to drink. I am shivering with nervousness at times.

I have paperwork to follow up with, but I don't even know where all the paperwork is. My apartment is becoming a mess. I have no idea where my cell phone is. I don't even go out to check the mail. I am afraid that, if I apply for anything, I will lose my Unemployment Insurance check. Also, I fear that the fact that I am collecting Unemployment will undermine me making any claim for disability.

I get into the most horrible state of mind. The worst ideas coming to my head, and I try and read to change my thought pattern. I feel exhausted.

I blame myself for everything. I think I am only in this fix because I have not been trying hard enough to make a go of things. I want to ask a sister about her ability to potentially help me financially, if I get into a jam. But I am afraid to call her. We are not close. She has told me, in the past, that people get depressed, only if they let themselves be. She has told me that my main problem is that I "dwell"on things too much. In my family, my being depressed was always something I had to not talk about.

Rose, I remember someone mentioning about an advocate. Is there an agency that can answer your concerns and guide you to the right help?

I called someone at an advocacy agency whom I have spoken to in the past. My call was not returned.

Well. The call was returned. My faith in this advocacy agency is restored. I'm glad.

Hi Rose,
I just wanted to let you know I am here and listening. I hope you are feeling a bit better today. I can really relate.
This is textbook depression. It is so hard. I feel so angry at the state of our country and our healthcare system that we cannot get help if we are too sick and exhausted to fight. But keep taking deep breaths. Focus on the moment only. Try not to think too far into the future. Self-care is the most important thing right now. Be the kindest to yourself in every way you can. Are you on medication now? Btw, if possible try to make sure you are getting enough vitamin D. I had awful anxiety when I was deficient. This same type - the shaking kind, awful stress hormones at full peak constantly, meds are supposed to help with this but I think vitamin D is also very important. Many hugs today.
Elana