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  #76  
Old Feb 23, 2012, 08:29 PM
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Rose76 Rose76 is offline
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Elana05 - thank you for your words of caring and encouragement. They help so much to just hear a voice that isn't condemning me. I will try to do as you advise.

I am supposed to take 2000 International Units of Vitamin D every day for my osteopenia. I have been negligent about that lately. I don't even brush my teeth when I should. Thanks for the reminder. I will go take some Vit D right now. And some calcium.
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Elana05

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  #77  
Old Feb 29, 2012, 03:37 AM
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I think about trying to find another job and I think that I don't want to attempt to do that. I don't want to be rejected again. I think I would rather go be homeless. I can't imagine even being interested in trying to do anything again. Maybe if I could go work in a sheltered workshop - like Goodwill. Anyway, my rent for March is available. I hate to leave my apartment. I must put out the trash now. I have to make myself.
  #78  
Old Feb 29, 2012, 09:35 PM
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My goal for tomorrow is to go swimming at an indoor pool. If I actually succeed in making myself do it, then I might believe there is hope for me and all is not lost. Spending so much time in bed, depressed, has me feeling weak. I really do need some physical rehab to be able to regain the ability to maintain some normal level of activity. I got so run down, it is hard to even leave the house to buy a loaf a bread. It is hard to take out the trash. I don't have the strength to vacuum or stand at the sink long enough to do more than a few dishes.

So I was going to join a gym, but didn't have much interest in it. Then I got the swimming idea. That used to always make me feel happy. I hope it still works. Something tells me that this could be the key to unlock the door of the prison that I've been in. It's such a bad place to be and I want to get out so badly. I had been thinking that I would give up my life just to get out. Then I had to go out to the bank, which was hard to do, and while out - I remembered I would only have to take a short detour on my way home to visit the fitness center. Something told me to just go look at the pool. I did, and now I can't wait to get into it.
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  #79  
Old Feb 29, 2012, 11:03 PM
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TerryL TerryL is offline
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Rose, if you like to read autobiographies--I enjoyed reading "Swimming to Antarctica" by Lynne Cox.
Thanks for this!
Rose76
  #80  
Old Mar 01, 2012, 12:04 AM
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Thanks TerryL - bio's are my favorite things to read.
  #81  
Old Mar 08, 2012, 04:14 AM
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On March 1, almost a week ago (a Thursday,) I did get to a pool, as I had made my goal the day before. It was helpful. People there were very nice. Three days later, I felt uncommonly well.

I have become extremely depressed, again, over the past few days. It so happened I had an appointment with my pdoc this afternoon. I thought it was good that I would be seeing him, since I was feeling such turmoil. It felt like trying to talk to someone who was a million miles away. I left his office very disturbed and upset.

Since coming home, I've just gotten in worse and worse shape. To the bunch of meds I'm already taking, he has added Tegretol. I had some faith in him, but now I feel I have to be careful not to depend on him. I have been having frequent med changes over the past 18 months that I have been going to the facility where I get my care. I am on my 3rd pdoc. I got really sick from two meds that I was put on (lithium and Ritalin.) It was me who figured out that those two meds were making me sick.

Twice I had gone to Psych Emergency complaining about being sick from Lithium (loss of fine motor control, difficulty with balance and walking) and was told that my symptoms had nothing to do with the Lithium and to keep taking it. Then I got really sick with diarrhea and, finally, I was believed that I was becoming sicker and sicker on the Lithium. I am having pretty severe sedation from Seroquel. The pdoc's response, today, was to add Tegretol, rather than increasing the Seroquel even higher.

I don't think these people are even responsible about how they are medicating me. I am on 6 different Psych meds. (Plus, I am on other serious meds for medical issues.) I got kind of scolded for becoming upset about so many meds. The pdoc said I should either "be willing" to keep trying things, or else stop coming there for care. I have been willing to follow every order they have written.

I don't think it is unreasonable for me to be frustrated. Since starting to get treatment there 18 months ago, I have gotten worse. My treatment consists of nothing except medication. I get no therapy. I just go back in 9 weeks to see him again. Since losing another job recently, I've been extremely despondent at times, and in real crisis financially.

My regular MD, my PCP, seems to have more real concern. He has encouraged me to file for SSDI.

I am afraid to go to sleep right now. I am afraid I of how I will wake up. It's a pattern with me to get worse overnight when I have a lot of anxiety. Recently, I woke up with a heart rate of over 120/minute. It seemed to be caused by medication, and improved when I took lower doses of some meds (with the pdoc's agreement.) Now I feel intimidated that this place will not be supportive of me applying for social security. Even with a supportive doctor, it can be very hard to get a claim approved. I feel like he was kind of threatening me by saying I might want to stop coming back there. I will be very careful of what I say when I go there again. Back in 2004, when I was a patient there, a pdoc said to a group I was in that "Rose emits toxicity." I think this place has a culture of patient abuse. That may sound strong, even unbelievable. They know I am alone with no family for thousands of miles. I'm not really prone to paranoia, but I am afraid of them. I would be afraid to ever go there again for inpatient care.
  #82  
Old Mar 08, 2012, 05:29 AM
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I have just read that Tegretol can interfere with meds I am taking for my osteopenia. I have worsening kyphosis of a part of my spine and I have serious pain from it at times. So to me the treatment of my bone density problem is very important.

I am afraid to tell the pdoc that I don't want to take the Tegretol. I don't want to take this drug. I think I am already taking things that are causing more harm than good - like Seroquel that makes me overly sedated. I have read that, if I apply for SSDI, I could be in trouble for refusing any psych treatment. I think I do have some rights to not have to accept everything. This is becoming frightening to me. I have so much stress from being unemployed. An ocean of medication is not going to undue that stress. I live in fear of losing my apartment. At age 59, it might make more sense for the psych center to help me be eligible for financial help, instead of pushing so much medication on me. I wonder if a lawyer might be more what I need than what I am getting at this psych center?
  #83  
Old Mar 08, 2012, 07:05 AM
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Rohag Rohag is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
I don't think these people are even responsible about how they are medicating me. ...

My regular MD, my PCP, seems to have more real concern. He has encouraged me to file for SSDI.

...I am afraid of them [the psych center people].
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose76 View Post
I have just read that Tegretol can interfere with meds I am taking for my osteopenia. ...

...I wonder if a lawyer might be more what I need than what I am getting at this psych center?
YES. I believe you need both a lawyer, one who specializes in SSDI claims, and a social advocate who can stand up for you in the face of those you have reason to suspect.

You have limited energy and psychic resources to navigate the "system." There's nothing wrong in obtaining assistance. I wish you success, Rose76
__________________
My dog mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it.
Thanks for this!
Rose76
  #84  
Old May 29, 2012, 09:07 PM
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Rose76 Rose76 is offline
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Here I am, again, feeling sad. I live alone, and I am finding it hard to be home by myself.

I did get a law firm to represent me, and I did file a claim for SSDI. It just went in last month. Now I am living in a kind of terror over what is going to happen to me.

I haven't been looking for a job. What resources I have will run out by the time autumn comes around.

I am on a waiting list to be assigned a case manager at the place where I get my psych care. About a year and a half ago, I did have a case manager there, briefly. She said that I did not seem to need any help and that I should forget about even trying to get SSDI. It seemed to me that she was probably right.

After my last job failure in February, my primary care doctor advised me to apply for SSDI. I was kind of stunned when he came out with that. I had not really discussed my psych issues with him because I see a psychiatrist. But they are both in the same system, and my PCP can read all the notes on me, written by the pdocs at the psych center.

He said that he would be very supportive of me with the SSA. Somehow, I don't think this is going to work out. I just seem too competent in too many ways.

I am very scared. My work as a nurse did not measure up to the standards of the over 13 employers who hired me over the past 15 years. That's all I've ever done. I will be 60 on my next birthday.

When I was 56, I took a course to do something medical oriented that might be less demanding. I can not even do that. During the course, I kept hearing from others that I lacked confidence.

Once upon a time, I was a valued employee.

My only friend is the man I used to live with. That didn't work out, but we stayed close. We are friends. He is still my sig. other, and I am his. He is elderly and poor and could not really help me. He is content living alone. I felt pretty okay living alone when I had a job. Now, I feel like this apartment is a mausoleum. It feels bad to be here by myself.

I have no friends. I have little contact with family. I was socially avoidant as a child, and that has become very characteristic of me in recent years. My sig. other doesn't like to come to my apartment because I don't have the good movie channels. He is handicapped and watching TV is what mainly fills his day. Next month, he will leave town to travel a long way and visit with his adult children and other relatives. I will be here by myself.

With no job to go to, I will be very alone. I am crying here and wondering how did I manage to end up so bad off. I think of every bad, or foolish, thing that I ever did and I think that, somehow, I handled my life so poorly that this is how I now am.

I am afraid that I will lose my apartment in the fall. I am afraid of becoming homeless. When I became involved with an alcoholic man, I never thought that I might someday need someone to help me take care of me. I knew there was no security in my relationship with him, but I thought that I didn't need that. I thought I would be able to work, until I was old enough to collect social security.

I am in the worst predicament of my life. How it will end - I don't know.
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Puffyprue
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