I am sad.

Zurian: It's really great when, after struggling with some difficulty, you are lucky enough to discover a resource that improves your ability to cope. If it is not too private, I wonder what was the nature of the problem you were having that you found yourself better able to cope with after reading material in the book by Doctor Sarno. You said that it contained "information" that your "found helpful." Can you share something about how you were helped?

That's their failure, not yours. If they had any professional honour, they'd stick by you.

I'm not sad now. I am doing better. Partly, it may be because I love this time of the year. I think, also, I have gotten to a higher level of understanding what it takes to have a better life. I really have to work hard and not neglect things. I need to respect that life only gives a so much time to accomplish things, and I need to get better at moving on from task to task. All my life, I have treated "TIME" as if I had access to an unlimited supply. I have to budget my time. That will be a real challenge for me!!! I have to face that there will be bad consequences, if I don't.

Today, I gave one task priority and am working at it. I need to hurry up, though. I keep lavishing attention on unimportant minutia. I think I have a mental disorder in that regard, like a form of obsessiveness/compulsiveness. Actually, that is a diagnosis I now have, thanks to an observant and attentive resident. I can't use it as an excuse. I have to manage it.

At the psych center, they ended up keeping me as a client, but switched me to a different clinic. That probably is for the best. I always have a hard time with "change." I tend to resent when things in my life get changed by others. Often, that is just me being stubborn and stupid.

I thank everyone above for their interest in encouraging me. It is much appreciated.

Always remember: the one in therapy is the sanest member of the family.

I have an upper spine problem that got much worse on Christmas eve. I came home from a church service with my back and neck causing me a good deal of discomfort and I was unable to finish my gift wrapping. I have only lately been having a problem that actually limits what I can do. I broke down crying, and my significant other was not very supportive.

We got irritable with each other and it was not a very nice Christmas for either one of us. I'm sorry for my part in the friction that developed. I'm disgusted with myself. He just left to go back to his own place. We were mean to each other. I was worse than he was.

My right arm is hurting more from me typing, so I better end this.

I feel very bad about myself. I feel very guilty. I feel very unloved. I want to tell him I am sorry. It will be true because I am sorry. I'm sorry for both of us. We hurt each other.

I am seriously depressed.

I'm not qualified to advise you, but I merely remark that the easiest thing to change would be the way you dress.

I think the remark above is inappropriate.

Sorry about the over-reacting. After thinking more about it, I don't think the poster above meant that comment in a bad way.

I am in very bad shape.

I went to the psych hospital last evening. The nurse talked to me and then put me back out in the lobby waiting where it was terribly cold. After hours of waiting, I went home without having seen the doctor. The nurses were agreeable to let me leave. The nurse who assessed me had said that she didn't know what it was that I wanted them to do for me.

They always say that. I never have a good answer. I am seriously depressed. It's disappointing because I had been doing pretty well for awhile and I thought it was going to last longer.

I don't have an appointment to see a pdoc until February. I don't have any T. They say I am "low acuity."

I hate going over to that place. I only go over when I know I am in very bad shape and potentially unsafe. I don't make exaggerated threats.

It seems like the message is "Come back when you are really an imminent threat to yourself." What they don't understand is that I would not come in at all, if I had made a decision to act in a dangerous way. A decision is a decision.

Sounds so much like me....

Broken59 - May things get better for you, too. Thanks for understanding. (((Hugs)))

I didn't mean to leave this thread hanging like this. I improved a whole lot since the end of November, with some ups and downs.

The holidays were pretty good - an improvement over the past couple of years. Now I anticipate starting a new job and am glad about that.

Last night I took down the Christmas tree. It's in 3 pieces on the floor of the living room. I am getting all glum now. Such a start contrast between having all that prettiness and what the place looks like now. I gotta try to not slide down into the blues.

I forgot about this thread. December was pretty good. At times, it was very good and continued up until a week or so into January.

Now I am very depressed and worried. My tree is in 3 peices on the floor around me. I feel so sad looking at it. All I am doing is crying.

Somehow, the pages in this thread are out of order and I am all confused reading it. I really need a hand to pull myself up out of the pit, and there isn't anyone nearby. I don't like to whine and moan excessively. All PC members have their struggles. Mine is getting the better of me at present, and I feel hopeless.

Life doesn't seem so bad today. I worry what bad things could happen in the future. But, mainly, I'm glad nothing really awful is wrong right at the moment.

i felt i was doing well too, and then stuff began to happen and it feels like i am sliding down really quick. when i feel alone, i think no one wants to be with me and it makes me angry if i let it. of course i don't want to be with anyone either except shadow, my yorkie...

As recently as 3 days ago, I was doing at least fairly okay. I saw on the thread about things we do right that I cooked myself a good breakfast. That wouldn't have happened if I was down in the dumps.

I am way far down in the dumps today and have been since yesterday.

What this web site helps me to see, by holding my thoughts, is that I get way down and then eventually get over it. Then, eventually, I get way down again. It's amazing over how short a time, I can go from one extreme to the other.

I guess that's why family members got sick of hearing about it a very long time ago.

Figuring that I will eventually "get over it" helps a little, but - in another way - it doesn't help. I know that "getting over it" just gets me in position for the next tailspin. Tailspins are very bad emotional downturns that I experience.

An issue at the moment is me going back into a work environment. I got hurt real bad by a series of employment failures. I don't think it would be going too far to say that, after the last one, coming on the heels of others, I have been "traumatized." This was suggested to me by a good person I met at the Unemployment Office.

I went into the hospital for severe depression and anxiety a week ago. It was awful. I lied to get out and told them I would be fine at home. I am better off at home. No one, except the admitting doctor, talked to me about anything. They just want to try one new med after another.

I don't think all the meds in the world are going to make me brave about going to work at a new job. I don't know where I can get any kind of help other than meds. I don't even think yacking with a T about how horrible it is to lose a series of jobs is going to make any difference either. ("Well, you can discuss stategies about how to gird up your loins for going back into the fray, and yadda yadda yadda.")

I am safe in my apartment now and I don't have to go anywhere scary today and so I am not too terrible off at this exact moment. If I think about the upcoming job assignment, then I get to thinking that, if I don't manage to get through it, then I will not want to live.

Sounds pretty melodramatic. The "talispin" however, is very real and I am very much feeling like someone cornered at the edge of a cliff.

Hey cin. Stuff happens, & that's when you gotta have a support system--a sponsor really helps--to scream at. That's what they're for, so the anger triggersat them in-the-face. Shadow's just for hugs, snuggling--the good things.

Hey Rose - I hear ya. I felt like my last firing was just that - my last firing. While I was still there, I was saying stuff like, how much more can a person take? Afterwards, I described it as being at the end of my rope. I know it sounds crazy, but I really did have everyone against me. I was investing in the wrong people - wrong T, wrong friends, wrong family, even the wrong job - I had had an opportunity to move and I didn't take it. Stupid stupid stupid. I didn't mean to hijack, I just wanted to say, life WILL take women of a certain age and beat the crap out of them. Heck of any age, really. And many men aren't faring that well these days either. But at least we have each other, right? Sorry I haven't been in touch - my sleep study last friday totally freaked me out anxiety-wise and I forgot everything I was doing, and I have another sleep study THIS friday.

From yesterday to today, I have improved significantly. I try to figure out how I manage to get somewhat better. I do believe the Neurontin (Gabapentine) is doing something good for me. In addition, the mental bad weather just seems to clear eventually. I don't feel as scared today as I did yesterday. I think the medicine kind of did it. Hard to be sure.

hankster - thanks for the affirmation. The funny thing is that I had a substantial history of solid success in employment situations before the failures started occurring. I did invest in "friends" whose values I did not share, and I did follow them into job situations that, perhaps, were not the best fit for who I am. Handling the chaos was easier when I was younger. I would emerge from a bad situation into a far better situation. An experience of failure would often lead to an experience of success. I would leave what wasn't working out for something else that often did work out well for a decent interval of time.

I feel like the referee is counting and soon will say "TEN" and I can't quite get up.

But today the prospective job doesn't seem so scary. (Is this the Neurontin?)

I feel better staying in my own apartment and not being with other people who really don't have a good influence on my state of mind. I bought a caller ID box so I can see who's calling before I pick up the land line.

I'm home and have a sense of "peace." Maybe I can build on that. Some professional psycho-therapeutic support would be a help. I was promised something like that, and, then, it just didn't happen. Now I get told - "Oh, there is an 8 month wait for therapy."

I lost my "peace."

I don't feel well.

So sorry to hear that. You were okay there for a day. Did the orientation get you down again? It sounds like you had to work with a bit of an idiot yourself.
Here are a few hugs to help:

Thank you, BuggsBunny. Yes, the orientation did get me down. I had to smile at what you said above. Often, people who have seemed very difficult to deal with on jobs, when I didn't know them well, ended up being not so bad at all. This person struck me as kind of a lonely soul, herself. We might end up working together just fine, if I can make myself just give it a chance. She's kind of obsessive, and possibly has a hard time relating to people. It's sad when someone seems to build up self-esteem by knocking others. We all have our faults. If being a bit crusty on the surface is the worst of hers, I've dealt with that before and gotten past the initial discomfort. She does seem genuinely conscientious, as am I. We might end up liking each other. I've had that happen in the past, when it seemed the most unlikeliest of outcomes.

Well, look at that. I just about talked myself into a better frame of mind.

Thank you for asking how it went . . . and helping me to lighten up.

Hugs to Buggs!

A little encouragement can make all the difference. All replies are much appreciated.

Maybe you have found a friend. How wonderful