Looking for someone that's interested...

New here, and really don’t know how this works. I’ve got to get this out of my head, so here goes.

I’m SO TIRED of being lonely and alone. It’s gotten to the point where it’s actually a physical pain. I’ve completely shut myself off from my limited family (sisters) and the few friends I think I have because I can’t handle listening to them tell me how excited they are about the Holidays. Most know that I’ve been going thru another one of the dreaded med changes, and it’s not going very well. Haven’t seen the T for several months, because I’ve been seeing the doctor every 2 weeks, trying to sort out the meds. She want to go back to something that had worked for me in the past. The first attempt didn’t fare well, so, I’m titering down AGAIN, and will try another one starting in a few days.

I’m fully functioning on the outside: going to work, keeping the house clean, taking care of financial responsibilities. Taking Ativan to get through the day. But inside, I’m just a bundle of tears. Broke down in the shower this morning again.

I just need to keep my chin up, and continue to go thru the motions until we find a fix. It’s just getting really, really hard.

Thanx for listening.......

Meds can hold you together but only therapy can cure you.

Why do you feel so bad on the inside?

Aren't you happy with your friends/social circle?

Or are there deeper things going? Personally I was unhappy about baggage I had from the past... bad childhood experiences I couldn't remember anymore. I don't know if that's the case with you, but you should try to find out where that unhappiness is coming from?

Knowledge about the reasons why you are unhappy is the first step to feeling better.

I spent 17 years married to what turned out to be a very mean man. Was physically isolated from all friends and family, and was made to feel that no one wanted me anyway (can you say emotional abuse?). Got out about 2-1/2 years ago, with the self-esteem of a gnat. Been working on it, but it took a long time to get that low; recovery isn't gonna be fast.

Hell, I even made it through cancer last year.

When I'm like this, I just push people away. Don't want anyone to see me like this. Force of habit, I guess.

Is this a medical or a psychiatric doctor doing the med-sorting? And you're not seeing your T because of the doctor--so you've been changing drugs around for several months? It doesn't sound as if your doctor and therapist work together. Am I right?

You really need to be getting on with your therapy. Skipping a week or two to tweak meds might make sense, but going several months without therapy may explain in large part what you're suffering now. Further, to have your meds constantly changed on you over a period of months is not something our systems can usually tolerate. This alone could account for your being a bundle of tears.

She's a psychiatrist, and she's very good. I paused with the T because I get tired of making so many trips down to the clinic. Maybe that was not a good idea on my part.

I'll try and schedule with her next week (eventho I've got to back to see my shrink on Tues).

Can I call her a shrink on this board?

i see both my psychologist and my psychiatrist each at least once a week. when it's bad, it's BAD. as long as insrance covers it, get all the help you can. my psychologist is great - she'll even tell me to call her once or twice a day when things aren't good - like now. only 1 problem - she's on vacation for 2 weeks - out of the country. isn't it amazing how timing works out so FREAKING well?!?

Oh I'm sure psychiatrists have been called worse on this board.

I understand the sadness and the lonely feeling. It's okay that you feel that way. I know it feels bad, but it's not permanent.

Yes, you may cry in the shower (I always seem to cry in the shower too, don't ask me why!), but you haven't folded. You're still making it. You're doing it.

It *is* hard. Sometimes insanely hard, and not at all fair, but we do it - and keep on doing it.

I know you may have heard this 1000 times, but this time will pass. I will take too long to pass for sure, but it will.

Things will improve.

My only advice would be to try to put yourself in a position for things to improve more quickly.

I'll be honest with you, sometimes therapy helps when I'm depressed, but sometimes it doesn't. I would reach out to your therapist and get some advice nonetheless.

Also, to kind of snub the holidays, each year I make a concerted effort to find the absolute ugliest, tackiest decorations I can find. My house is filled with truly awful, but altogether hilarious, stuff. For me, that helps - a little levity in the dark. Usually they are quite cheap too!

I do this too! great minds DO think alike! And I used to cry in the shower a lot.

It doesn't matter if it was a good or bad decision then. but what matters now is that you make the bets possible decision that you think could help.

It sounds like you're really hurting. I think it would be a good idea to go to T now. T can work on one side, meds can work on another. The sense I get is that therapy can work sometimes without meds depending on the individual, but medication alone just isn't as effective unless you have a therapist by your side (for most people).

Just a thought - that going to the clinic every week might be stressful but if it helps you get better its worth it.

Wow.

Guess I'm not alone in this after all.

I LOVE the tacky Xmas thing. I've recently moved, and everyone in my neighborhood puts up lights. My house stood dark until last night, when I threw a net up on a bush. Something tacky would probably put a smile on my face.

Thanx for the idea.....